Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever

The story is nothing more than a full-on parody of the Harry Potter books, but this time, all references to magic are removed and replaced with nothing more than blatant realism. 14-year-old Harry Hames Moffer is an orphan living with his paranoid relatives when he is invited to attend Warthogpox High School. Harry meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer, and they investigate the unpopular Larry Dobber books, which Hollyword could turn into a movie if they don't act fast.

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12. Chapter 9: A Trip to the Library (that doesn't go so well)

Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde slipped through the halls of Warthogpox and headed towards the library. So far, they didn't run into ay student, but they had a difficult time getting past the school's hall monitor, Marpus Silch.

No one liked Mr. Silch, as he was old, fat, and ugly. Even the teachers and staff detested Mr. Silch for that matter, as they blamed him for students being caught in the halls, despite the fact that they had a hall pass, and unceremoniously given all-day in-school detention. For the last ten years, many people, most of them parents of Warthogpox students had unsuccessfully tried to get him fired.

Right now, Mr. Silch was looking for Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde, who were chased off the school due to the essay calling for people to stop reading the Larry Dobber books and the children to quit whining over the latest toy and video game that they saw on television.

Better yet, kids under the age of ten were told to stop watching TV altogether, lest they resume their whiny behavior and begging for toys and games that they do not need.

Mr. Silch grew suspicious when his children stopped watching TV and took up reading instead. Instead of begging for the Larry Dobber books, they instead began reading Kercy Mackson & the Asgardians and The Children of the Bread Ping series (also known as the Narlie Tone series). Then when his oldest child told him about Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde's essay (which called for all children and adults to stop reading the Larry Dobber books), he went through the roof and decided to catch those troublemaking kids for essentially destroying childhood.

The three aforementioned children had made it to the library and began going through as many books as they could. None of the books contained any reference to the Magician's Crystal. Harry was just about to give up when Hildegarde noticed a "forbidden books" section in a corner of the library. "Could that be where the book about the Magician's Crystal be hiding?" Harry cried out.

"I don't know," said Pun. "If the sign says forbidden, then that means it's forbidden."

"Your sister must spank you far too many times," said Hildegarde. "Let's go."

They slipped into the forbidden section and began leafing through books that the library had tried to hide from the students. "The Starvation & Fight to the Death Games?" cried Hildegarde as she glanced at a book. "Really?"

"What about the Atalan Swan series?" said Pun as he picked up another book.

"And there's the matter of the Soul Taker Trilogy," said Harry as he held up a book. "Who is hiding all these books and why are they hiding them?"

"Blame Larry Dobber," said Hildegarde as she pulled out another book. "They want kids to think those books are great and to heck with every other fantasy out there."

"I once read this news article about how the Larry Dobber phenomenon destroyed some town in Nedava," said Harry as he pulled out another book.

"What is going on here?" a voice called out.

"Hide!" Harry hissed, and all three of them hid under the table in the forbidden section. Mr. Silch began to pace the room, hoping to catch students who had been cutting classes by hiding in the computer lab. He wasn't even concerned with three students hiding in the forbidden section at all.

"Let's get out of here," Pun hissed as they quietly crept from their hiding spot and headed toward the main section of the library.

Just then, a book spontaneously fell off its bookshelf. Then, an entire wall came crashing down. "RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!!" Hildegarde said in the loudest of whispers.

As the kids fled, the walls in the forbidden section eventually collapsed and fell to the ground. Everyone in the library turned around and saw the entire forbidden section come to life. Then, before Mr. Silch could stop them, a large group of students had rushed towards the bookshelves and cheered as the books they picked up did NOT have the words "Larry Dobber" in them. Harry looked behind him and saw students and teachers alike cheering as they read books that were NOT Larry Dobber. Also, all the 100 copies of the Larry Dobber books soon found their way to the garbage can.

Harry turned to Pun and Hildegarde and said, "I think we're off the hook now."

Little did he know that the moment that he said those worse, Mr. Silch came from behind them and said, "I knew you did this, you miscreants! You just can't stop hating Larry Dobber, can you? You'll pay for this, yes you will. Now, come with me..."

Harry shrugged as he, Pun, and Hildegarde followed Mr. Silch out of the library. He was sure that the place that the hall monitor was taking them to was not a very good place at all...


At the same time, Jill was sitting in the library by herself, also trying to find books about the magician's crystal. So far, all she could find was the books Pixies of Asia, Advanced History of Curses, The Pocket Guide to Magical Water Plants, 1001 Magical Creatures, and Fortune-Telling For Fun and Profit.

Not exactly magical material here, she frowned, wondering to herself is this a mistake? Should I really be trying to find the magician's crystal? She knew that her mother would go through the roof if she found out that Jill had somehow gotten herself wrapped in Harry's schemes; she had reminded Jill that Harry Moffer was the sole reason that her grandfather had died in that car accident the night she was born.

"Well, maybe I should give up now," Jill said to herself as she set aside Mystical Herbs of Belarus. "This is pointless. There's no way that I will be able to find the Magician's Crystal in time. I might as well go back to rebelling against society..."

Just then, she heard the crash and jumped up from her seat. She saw scores of students scrambling to the Forbidden Section of the library and grabbing books. Jill shook her head as she saw Tarcey and Junia grabbing as many books as they could. "I guess they've cooled down," she said to herself. "Now to convince them to tone down the Harry-hating..."

Little did she know that Domro Wilfy was also in the library. He was the one who pulled down the walls of the Forbidden Section, hoping to crush Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde. Jill frowned as she glared at him, not noticing Mr. Silch seizing the Grim Trio and leading them out of the library. Had she looked at Harry for even one nanosecond, she could have prevented so much of what was to come...

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