Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever

The story is nothing more than a full-on parody of the Harry Potter books, but this time, all references to magic are removed and replaced with nothing more than blatant realism. 14-year-old Harry Hames Moffer is an orphan living with his paranoid relatives when he is invited to attend Warthogpox High School. Harry meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer, and they investigate the unpopular Larry Dobber books, which Hollyword could turn into a movie if they don't act fast.


11. Chapter 8: What's New, Larry Dobber Haters?

The next day, Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde showed up at the football field and stared at Wilfy, Glabe, and Gomex. They were carrying their metal rakes and standing on opposite ends of the field, kind of like a Ceximan standoff. (But they really don't do stuff like that in Ceximo. I should know, I've been there.)

A huge crowd had gathered at the field; all of them wanted to watch Harry Moffer take down Domro Wilfy. Among them were Tarcey Pate and Junia Brown. They were hoping that Harry Moffer's team would lose so that they could expose Harry as a fraud and incite the other students to have him expelled from Warthogpox High.

Anyway, Wilfy said to Harry, "I hope you've got a backup plan in case you get banned from this school. You are so going down."

"Bring it!" Harry snapped as he banged his metal rake on the ground. "I hope you plan to lose!"

"Wait!" Everyone turned around and saw Madame Forch running towards the two teams. She said, "You need two more people to play if you wait to play Kettle Hockey."

"I think we've got more than enough players," said Wilfy. "It'll only be a quick game."

"I'm sorry, Master Wilfy, but you must have five players on our team," said Madame Forch. "That's the rules."

"Fair enough," Wilfy conceded as he scanned the crowd. After a few moments, he selected Blaire Zomborio and Tierran Moxx to be on his team. "Looks like you're disqualified, Moffer," Wilfy mocked. "You can't even get Tarcey and his girlfriend to join you..."

"Never you mind, Wilfy," said Pun. "I've got brothers. They'll be happy to play for Harry. You'll see."

The twins Kred and Morge came out and said, "We'll play for Harry. We're Teasleys; we can handle whatever crap you throw at us."

"We'll see about that," said Wilfy. "Let's get them!"

The audience immediately went to their seats on the bleachers as the two teams met in the middle of the football field. Pun and Moxx went to the goalie posts while Hildegarde, Kred, Morge, Gomex, Glabe, and Zomborio positioned themselves on the field. Harry and Wilfy stood on opposite sides of the field.

Madam Forch said to the teams, "I want a good clean match; anyone who cheats will be kicked out of here faster than you can say Gigglditch. Do I make myself clear?"

"First team to make it to ten points wins," said Hildegarde.

"That's unfair, Lamer," said Wilfy. "We usually count to twenty. What you're doing is insane. It's stupid...wait...it's beyond stupid. It's extortion."

"Try me," Hildegarde said in a voice that said "you better shut up or else I'll ground you into dust."

The game began, with Wilfy's team quickly overcoming Harry's team by using an assorted amount of dirty tricks, cheats, and other things. Within a few minutes, Wilfy's team was dangerously close to getting the allotted ten points to win the game.

At one point during the game, Hildegarde stopped playing and said to the others, "We need a miracle in order to beat those guys."

"Not to worry," said Pun, who was nursing a few injuries that he had gotten by failing to stop Wilfy's team from scoring. "We still have the golden star."

"Good idea," said Hildegarde. "If Wilfy catches the golden star, his team will lose."

"But we only have one point and they have nine," said Kred. "How are we going to beat them?"

"I have an idea," said Harry. Everyone stared at him. "We release the gold star. If Wilfy catches the gold star, there's a chance that we could beat them."

"Are you sure about this?" Hildegarde snapped at him in doubt.

"It may be our only chance to win," said Pun.

"Very well," said Hildegarde. After a few whispered words to Madame Forch, Hildegarde yelled out, "We play again!"

The audience, who at first was watching the game excitedly, was now starting to get bored. That was mainly because Wilfy's team had gotten the upper hand, sending Harry's team to well at the bottom.

"Well, this game is kind of one-sided, isn't it?" said Oscar.

"I'll say," said Junia with a bored look on her face. "This is the most boring game of Kettle Hockey that I've seen all year."

"I know, right?" said Neramill. "I know for a fact that they're going to lose. What a shame."

"Yeah," said Jill. "Well, we had a good run with them."

"Too bad you'll have to find another person to mess with," said Tarcey.

"I agree," said Junia. "Looks like Harry Moffer is finished," said Junia. "So you better say goodbye to him now."

"I wouldn't say that just yet," said Neramill as his eyes followed a corner of the football field. "Look!"

Jill, Oscar, Tarcey, and Junia followed Neramilll's gaze, as did the rest of the audience. There, they all watched in complete shock as Hildegarde and the Teasley twins were slowly losing ground. Pun found himself growing nervous; if they did not stop the other team, their time at Warthogpox High School could be over.

Just then, Madame Forch tossed out the golden star, which went flying across the field. Harry and Wilfy saw the golden star landing in the sand pit and both of them went flying into the sand pit. The others stopped playing and watched the fight. So did the audience.

The moment that Harry landed in the sand pit, a huge sand cloud was formed. All everyone was able to see was the sand cloud; even the teams could only see the sand cloud. They all wondered who was going to come out first: would it be Harry Moffer, the Boy-Who-Rocked-the-Boat, or would it be the rich, spoiled, and popular Domro Wilfy?

Inside the sand cloud, however, it was a different story.

Harry and Wilfy began to wrestle; the golden star lay there on the sand, forgotten. "You're a jergfaxe, Wilfy!" Harry yelled as he and Wilfy wrestled all over the sand, kicking more dust that is sand.

"You are a loser, Moffer," said Wilfy as even more sand was kicked up. "Why couldn't you just stay home and not come here?"

"I was wondering about the same thing myself," said Harry. "Now, get out of my way so that I can win!"

"Win what?" said Wilfy as the sand cloud settled and he was seen holding up the golden star. "Now listen up here, Moffer and listen good: I'm rich, I was popular, I have parents and you're just a useless orphan. There is no way that you will ever win anything."

"I will win everything?" Harry repeated as he smiled at Wilfy.

"What are you laughing at, Moffer?" Wilfy snapped at him. "I hope it's yourself you're laughing at. You're a loser and a fraud."

"But you have the golden star," said Harry, "and according to the rules of Kettle Hockey, that automatically makes you the loser. I win."

Domro Wilfy stood there for a very long time. At the same time, the sand dust had finally settled, and everyone could now see the two boys. They were covered in sand and dust, and Wilfy was holding a golden object in his right hand.

Wilfy knew that he had been tricked. "What the curse did you do?" he yelled as he whaled on Harry.

"You caught the golden star?" Harry offered helpfully. "And in doing so, that makes you the...winner?"

Something inside Wilfy exploded and he lunged at Harry, knocking him over. "YOU SHAMELESS PLUFF!!!" he screamed as he tried to whack Harry with the golden star. "I knew that you tricked me! You knew I wanted to win, but you did this to me! As long as I live, I will NEVER forgive you!"

He stormed away from the field with his teammates as Harry's team came towards him. Hildegarde said, "Harry, you totally tricked Wilfy!"

"You won the game for us!" said Pun. "Wilfy will never show his face around here now!"

"I wouldn't be too sure of that," said Harry. "Knowing him, he might be plotting to get back at me for humiliating him. What he's planning, I don't know."

The bleachers were soon emptied after the game; there was no victory parade or cheering. Apparently, no one was impressed with Harry Moffer's victory over Domro Wilfy.

"Well, isn't this nice," said Tarcey as the kids were the only ones left on the bleachers. "Harry Moffer wins by one point. ONE! If that were me..."

"Stop!" Jill snapped at him. Everyone stared at her. "Remember this, Tarce, Wilfy tried to mess with him and he got what he deserved. Now, there's another way that we can get back at Harry without getting our hands dirty."

"But I thought you wanted to hang out with him," Junia pointed out. "Now you want to take him down."

"Yeah," Tarcey chimed in. "Whose side are you on?"

"I don't take sides with anyone," said Jill. "I'm on my own team. Now, if you would excuse me, I have a crystal to find."

With that, she and Neramill left the bleachers with Oscar following behind them like a huge Chihuahua.

"Well, this is lame," said Tarcey. "How are we going to take down those Dobber-haters now?"

"Leave it to me," said Junia with a wicked gleeful look in her eyes. "I have a plan,"

As it turned out, Harry had the right to worry about Wilfy getting his revenge on him and his friends. Especially when things happened to them later on in the story...

"I can't believe that I'm grounded for a week," Pun frowned as he got off the school bus the next day. He, Harry, and Hildegarde had been discussing their future plans after their roles in the Larry Dobber controversy was exposed to the school.

"Well, your mother's lame," said Hildegarde. "What kind of mother grounds you if you don't like something?"

"Mine does," said Pun. "And even worse, my mother allowed my sister Fanny to spank me until my butt bled. My dad rushed me to the hospital, where I had to spend three hours in the doctor's office getting my butt stitched. Now I can't sit down for two weeks! How am I gonna do schoolwork now?"

He was in a wheelchair, but he had to lay on his stomach. So, it wasn't a wheelchair, but actually a bed with four wheels attached to it and a steering rod on one end of the bed. In short, it was a wheelbed.

Harry frowned as he stared at his friend. He felt sorry for Pun and wondered if this is what having a family looks like, I'm glad I'm an orphan. Harry also thought about the MacLean family, who were forced to take care of him after his relatives, the Dourfeys, lost custody of him due to the perceived neglect that he had suffered as a child. He had absolutely nothing in common with them at all, not with their happy lives and him and his cynical and sarcastic behavior.

Hildegarde shook her head, thinking thank goodness I don't have their lives! She knew that her parents wouldn't even think of letting her sister spank her over a book, and especially over a book such as Larry Dobber.

When the trio reached school, a horde of angry students threw paper balls made from the ripped pages of their copies of the Larry Dobber books at them. Some of them shouted "krolls" and "blosers" and "get out of our school, you childhood killers".

"Well, this sucks," said Harry as he, Pun, and Hildegarde were forced to flee after being chased away from the school by angry students. They were hiding near the dumpsters that were located near the cafeteria.

"Now what shall we do?" Pun moaned as he tried to sit up in his wheelbed, which was hard to do since he wasn't allowed to move at all.

"Look for the Magician's Crystal, of course," said Hildegarde. They boys stared at her. "That'll make them forget about dumb old useless Larry Dobber."

"You're right, Hildegarde," said Harry. "We need to go on an adventure. Things have gotten bad since we announced that we hated Larry Dobber."

"That's the thing," said Pun. "My sister Fanny is a huge Larry Dobber fan and the fact that I hate him was like me stabbing her in the back. My mother gave me an ultimatum: either I learn to like Larry Dobber or she'll disown me."

"Well, that mullocks," Harry frowned.

"Your family is messed up," said Hildegarde.

"What a bluke," said Harry. "Your family is a noke."

"OK, we need to stop talking about my dysfunctional family and find that crystal," said Pun.

"But how are we gonna do that?" said Hildegarde. "We don't even know what the crystal looks like!"

"I do," said Harry. "Professor Dibble keeps a picture of it on his desk. We can take it while he isn't looking."

"Stealing is wrong, Harry," said Hildegarde.

"Whatever," Pun interrupted her. "Now let's hop to it!"

After checking to make sure that there were no students in the halls, all three kids slipped out of their hiding spot. They had a crystal to find.

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