Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever

The story is nothing more than a full-on parody of the Harry Potter books, but this time, all references to magic are removed and replaced with nothing more than blatant realism. 14-year-old Harry Hames Moffer is an orphan living with his paranoid relatives when he is invited to attend Warthogpox High School. Harry meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer, and they investigate the unpopular Larry Dobber books, which Hollyword could turn into a movie if they don't act fast.


10. Chapter 7: What on earth is a crystal?

When Harry, Pun, Hildegarde, and Jill walked into Professor Dibble's classroom and took their seats, the rest of the class was sitting in their seats, looking completely bored as they watched their teacher lecture about some historical event no one cared to learn about.

Tarcey and Junia sniggered as they saw the Grim Trio sitting in the back of the classroom. They disliked Hildegarde because of her anti-Larry Dobber essay and they detested Harry for other reasons. As for Pun, they could only feel nothing but pity for him, as they didn't like the fact that he was wasting his time hanging out with two losers when he could be hanging out with them instead.

Jill turned to them and glared at them, saying, "Do you mind? I'm trying to do something important here. I can't have you two scheming and stuff behind my back. Not cool, man."

"What's not cool is you hanging out with Moffer and those two tussies," Tarcey whispered to her harshly.

"You know what he did to your grandfather," said Junia.

"Will you two shut up?" Oscar snapped back at them. "I can't concentrate without you two curseheads yabbering about. Can I at least get a decent education so that I can go to college and not have to work as a maid like the rest of my family?"

"Your family are maids?" Junia laughed.

"Shameful," Tarcey frowned.

"Mr. Pate and Miss Brown," said Professor Dibble as he reluctantly paused the class and turned to look at them. "The Magical Age of Dawn should be what you are focusing on, not your little conversation. Now, get back to your notes; I won't have anyone getting any "F's" from my class."

Just then, Jill raised her hand and said, "Professor Dibble, what do you know about the Magician's Crystal?"

Immediately, everyone turned around in their seats and stared at her, as if she had asked the world's most impossible question. Silence reigned supreme as the teacher said to her, "Where did you hear about the Magician's Crystal?"

Jill knew that it was a loaded question; she couldn't possibly bring up the fact that she had overheard Professor Pate and Professor Quinnell talking about the crystal. That would mean that she would have to bring in the fact that Harry Moffer, Pun Teasley, and Hildegarde Lamer had over heard the conversation along with her. With their reputation as boat rockers exposed to the entire school and her own reputation as a nonconforming hipster, she couldn't afford to make any mistakes now.

So she said, "I have heard rumors about it for some time and I want to know if you knew anything about it."

Professor Dibble pulled out a drawing of a gem. This cranberry-sized rough translucent pale red and ice blue crystal is heart-shaped. He said, "That crystal once belonged to a powerful wizard named Gwerris, the Glaive of Thunder. He was known as the most powerful and wisest of the wizards. Yet, he was slain by the adventurer Daer'is, an impulsive young man who knew very little of magic and cared not that he had destroyed the magical world. That act ushered in the age of man, an age which magic is seen as harmful and evil."

"Well, I must admit that's not what I expected," Jill muttered.

"Of course it's not what you expected, you cursing gitch," snapped Hector Moss. "Magic is for losers."

"Are you cursing with me?" Jill snapped back in anger. "You don't curse with me and live! Got it?"

Hector nodded in horror; he knew better than to mess with Jill Roseberry. The teacher continued with the lesson, but Jill's mind was made up. She would have to find that crystal.

One question did remain, though: how to keep Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde away from wanting to find the crystal. She knew that they had already slammed the Larry Dobber books for their bad quality and crushed the souls of scores of Larry Dobber fans everywhere, but Jill had a feeling that the worst was yet to come regarding those guys...

Domro Wilfy sat in the back of the classroom, frowning to himself. To him, there was no way that he was going to ever get along with Harry Moffer, especially since he mocked him and slapped him the moment they first met.

He was planning to make Harry pay for humiliating him.

When it came time for lunch, he, Glabe, and Gomex left their classroom and headed for the cafeteria. Meatloaf was being served today, and Wilfy wanted to get there and enjoy his lunch before Harry and his loser friends showed up.

Speaking of the devil, Harry dared to walk into the place like he owned it. As usual, Pun and Hildegarde were with him. Wilfy knew what he had to do.

"So, Moffer, how does it feel to be the person that no one likes?" Wilfy snapped at him.

"Mind your own business, Wilfy," Harry whined in a tired voice. "You are nothing but a stupid rich boy whose mommy and daddy spoil him rotten."

SLAP!! "How dare you insult my parents like this, Moffer!" Wilfy yelled as he gave Harry a well-earned slap across his face. "You know nothing of having parents! All you are is an orphan!"

"But what if I don't want to be an orphan?" Harry protested. "What if I wanted a family?"

"You couldn't even keep the family that you were given, Moffer," said Tarcey as he and Junia walked into the cafeteria. "You're pathetic."

"You're not fit to be here, let alone attend this school," Junia mocked. "Return to whatever fraggy tinderrock that you managed to come out of and leave us normal students alone."

"But I have a right to be here," Harry began protesting again as he thought of having to leave the school. If anything, he didn't want to go back to the Dourfeys at all.

"HARRY MOFFER, LEAVE THIS PLACE RIGHT NOW OR ELSE I WILL SHOOT YOU!!!" Tarcey yelled as he waved a toy bazooka over his head. Yet, Harry stood his ground, determined to stay in his spot. Tarcey, seeing that Harry wasn't budging, slung the toy bazooka at the other boy's head. The sound of the bazooka hitting the wall had the effect of a huge pen dropping on to a tiny table. "NOW!!!"

Harry knew what was good for him; he turned around and fled from the cafeteria immediately, crying as he went. Junia held Pun and Hildegarde back as everyone else watched Harry leave the cafeteria.

Jill jumped into action immediately and whaled on Tarcey, yelling, "What the curse did you do to him, Tarce? He's Harry Moffer! Bath Meaters flee at the very mention of his name!"

"Who do you think you are to defend that boy?" Junia snapped. "Haven't you forgotten about what he did to your grandfather? Did you know that he caused your grandfather to die?"

"And who the curse do you think you are to imply that Harry had anything to do with my grandfather's death?" Jill snapped at Junia. "As far as I know, my grandfather may have died of a heart attack and not during the accident. You never even met him at all, so you don't know anything about anything!"

Junia looked ashamed as Jill turned to Tarcey and said, "I don't know what the curse your problem with Harry is, but you better cut it out before I am forced to hurt you. Plus, bringing that toy bazooka to school was a dumb idea and you shouldn't have done it in the first place. Also, you shouldn't have tossed it at Harry's head, but that's another issue. Now I'll have to throw it away before Mr. Silch gets his hands on it and we'll never hear the end of it."

Tarcey frowned as Jill took the toy and tossed it into the garbage can that was in the corner of the room. "And as for you, Domro Wilfy," Jill was speaking to Wilfy now, "how can you call Harry a loser for being an orphan?"

"But he is a loser!" Wilfy snapped at Jill. "That little cursehead thinks that he can just baltz into our school and tell us what to do. Well, I won't allow it to happen at all, not even if I have to beat him at a game of...Kettle Hockey!"

At that, everyone in the cafeteria gasped in horror. Kettle Hockey was the most popular sport played at Warthogpox High School and there were no shortage of Kettle Hockey teams that were formed within the school.

To begin, kettle hockey was played on the grass (as opposed to the traditional ice hockey) and the kettlepots served as the goals. The puck was a huge rubber ball and two teams pushed it back and forth using metal rakes. The teams consist of five people. Three of the members is the players, one member are the goalie, and the fifth member had the unimportant job of finding the rather elusive golden star, which was really a star-shaped brick that was painted a bright green. By catching the star, the starcatcher's teams would lose 25 points, rendering the other team victorious.

"So let me get this straight, ghastly hope," Jill snapped at Wilfy. "You mean to tell me that you are challenging Harry to a game of Kettle Hockey with the promise of being rewarded the allotted 30 points and yet losing 25 should he catch the golden star?"

"Well," said Wilfy, "I'd love to see him play to lose." His minions nodded as he said, "Tell him that I'm challenging him to a game next week at this time. Prepare to watch him lose, Roseberry."

With that, Wilfy and his minions turned and left the cafeteria while hordes of students watched in fury. Jill frowned as she turned to Tarcey and Junia, saying, "Well, isn't this nice? Wilfy wants to play a game with Harry. On the contrary, he won't be playing for us now, now that you have hurt his feelings. How does it feel to know that you could have been his friend, but you chose to hurt him instead. How will we live with ourselves with the knowledge that we hurt the one who could have become our hero?"

No one answered her; they were too ashamed to tell her the truth. On the contrary, they knew that they still weren't ready for Harry Hames Moffer to become their hero. Not yet.

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