Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever

The story is nothing more than a full-on parody of the Harry Potter books, but this time, all references to magic are removed and replaced with nothing more than blatant realism. 14-year-old Harry Hames Moffer is an orphan living with his paranoid relatives when he is invited to attend Warthogpox High School. Harry meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer, and they investigate the unpopular Larry Dobber books, which Hollyword could turn into a movie if they don't act fast.


9. Chapter 6: The Right Spuff

Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde were soon known as the Grim Trio, for they never seemed to smile or have fun. Everyday, they sat in the back of the Falconslug homeroom and said nothing to no one except each other. Jill, Neramill, and Oscar sat in the front of the room and ignored them, except to remind the trio not to "rock the boat".

Tarcey Pate, the son of Celevus Pate, and Junia Brown did not like Harry Moffer at all. They quickly began plotting the downfall of the "fool-who-lived".

Domro Wilfy and his groupies were content to just continue making trouble for Harry.

Tafrin tried to be a good friend to Harry, but he was far too busy with his work to hang out with him.

This left Harry very little choice but to hang out with Pun and Hildegarde. They weren't the most interesting or the friendliest of people, but it was better than hanging out with himself.

The next week, Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde were meeting in the library, trying to figure out how to "rock the boat", so to speak.

They had taken a secret weekend trip to the hidden village of Wartheaddon, purchased the entire Larry Dobber series, and spent the weekend reading the entire 13,000-page seven-part series. Hildegarde had written a book reports on the books, which went as follows:

"I am reviewing the Larry Dobber series for the sole purpose of reviewing the books. The reason is that I have purchased the books for reading and I found them to be rather lacking in substance if not flavor.

"The first book, Larry Dobber & the Soothsayer's Bone (which was published in Gerat Birtian as Larry Dobber & the Pholospher's Chrone), didn't impress me very much. The hero is a loser, the villain is lame, and who cares about the soothsayer's bone, anyway? Gross!

"The second book, Larry Dobber & the Cahbmer of Sercets, the hero is even lamer than before. Even worse is the fact that he is being chased around by Whinny Pleasy, who is the younger sister of his friend Jon Pleasy. Who in their right mind wants to read something like that?

"The third book, Larry Dobber & the Poisoner of Altazan, introduces the character Goofius Balck, an essentially useless character that contributes nothing to Larry's story.

"The fourth book, Larry Dobber & the Cup of Burnt Oil, is just filed with boring fake teen drama.

"The fifth book, Larry Dobber & the Legoin of the Penguinz, was completely pointless.

"The sixth book, Larry Dobber & the Quarter-Vail Plince, was written why???

"The seventh book, Larry Dobber & the Deadly Hammers, was the worst series finale that I've ever read in my life.

"All in all, this is the worst book series that I have ever read; even the Blightnight Snaga is better than this pile of crap, and I don't even like to read.

"The Larry Dobber series is very bad, and yet, stupid adults buy the books for their whiny snot-nosed brats who don't even know the what word "no" means. What's next? A Larry Dobber movie? Larry Dobber merchandise? Come on, people! We must rise up and put an end to the Larry Dobber phenomenon immediately before it takes over our lives!"

Harry looked over the essay and said, "Well, let's just hope that it works. I hate to see a Larry Dobber movie being made. Who knows what's going to happen next?"

"Well, let's put this essay on as many websites as we can so that everyone who has yet to touch the Larry Dobber books can be informed and we'll make sure to never allow another 10-year-old child to read the books," said Pun.

Needless to say, when the Grim Trio returned to Warthogpox the following Monday, everyone had seen Hildegarde's essay about the Larry Dobber books on the Internet. They didn't like the essay at all, and reacted to it by throwing rotten food at the kids as they walked by.

"What is your problem?" yelled Noona Sarache as she glared at the trio. "Do you not like the Larry Dobber books?"

"Were you beaten by your parents?" said Yallen Hoem.

"I know, their parents hate them because they aren't allowed to read the books," said Giannie Bandon.

"All right, that's enough, stop it!" Jill snapped as she approached them. "You know that I don't like or support the Larry Dobber books, and you should hate them too. Hildegarde was right to call them out for the filth that they are."

Jill's impromptu speech soon had the group feeling ashamed of themselves. She continued, "Larry Dobber is NOT the greatest story of our generation; in fact, we just whined about wanting to read the books until our parents caved in and brought us the books. Now, that wasn't a very good things, right?" Everyone nodded.

"Now, tonight I want you all to go home and apologize to your parents for being a brat and continuing to throw a fit when you didn't get your way. Then, I want you to throw away your copies of the Larry Dobber books and go shopping for some other wholesome books," said Jill. "Make sure to inform your friends and relatives about the Larry Dobber books so that no movie about the dumbest series in the history of literature can be made. Is that understood?"

Everyone knew what was good for them. They scattered as soon as Jill stopped speaking. "Not you three," Jill snapped at Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde as they tried to leave. "We need to talk."

She led them to a teacher's office and locked the door. Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde frowned as she forced them to sit on the floor while she took the only chair that was in the office. "Now, what did I say about rocking the boat?"

"Don't rock the boat?" Harry questioned.

"That's precisely what I said," Jill snapped at them. "Now look at what you've done!"

"What have we done?" cried Pun.

"You destroyed half a thousand childhoods, that's what you did," said Jill. "Now, many of them are so subdued by your little essay that they will never want to read another book for as long as they live. Plus, with the lowest literacy rates in national history combined with a high obesity and bullying rate, our generation will be the first to die out before our baby-boomer parents. The sad thing is, only 10% of us will marry and 5% of us will have children. Now do you understand the severity of your sins?"

Harry was about to respond when he heard voices outside the office door. Everyone else quieted down and waited as the voices of Professor Pate and Professor Quibborus Quinnell were raised. They seemed to be talking about Professor Dibble, who was seeking some object called the Magician's Crystal.

"What is the Magician's Crystal?" Harry cried out as the conversation rose.

"Well, I don't know, since I'm no genius," said Hildegarde angrily. Everyone glared at her. "What?"

"Well, I say we need to find out what is up with Professor Dibble and what is the Magician's Crystal," said Pun.

"Which reminds me, we're late for history class," said Jill.

She unlocked the door and all four students crept out the classroom, unnoticed by the two angry teachers. They had a mystery to solve.

Tarcey and Junia were standing behind Jill; they just plainly didn't like Harry Moffer and his iffy friends. With the publication of Hildegarde's essay about the Larry Dobber books, they read it and immediately they went through the roof. No one messes with their childhoods and lives!

So, they hatched a plan to stop those three miscreants in their tracks. What the plan was, I haven't the slightest clue.

"I really don't approve of Jill's little speech regarding childhoods and such," said Junia as they walked to class. "I know that Jill means well, but who knows whose side she's on?"

"She might be a secret agent," said Tarcey.

"More like a double agent, if you know what I mean," said Junia.

"I say we find a way to get that Moffer boy into so much trouble that he'll be expelled from this place," said Tarcey. "And once he's out of the way, the other two will quit."

They walked into the classroom and took their seats. Neramill and Oscar followed them and took their seats. No one cared to notice them, as they were much too busy discussing the homework assignment. That, or Hildegarde's essay, which continued to have everyone riled up.

"Did you guys do the homework?" Rafael Weiner asked them. He sat across the aisle from them.

"We have," said Tarcey, "and no, you're not seeing any of the answers."

"But I haven't had time to do my homework," Rafael whined. "You don't know what my home life is like!"

"And if you didn't do your homework when you were assigned the assignment, then shame on you!" Junia yelled. "Now, get out of this classroom; you're a disgrace to publicly educated students everywhere!"

As Rafael ran out the room crying, Neramill turned to them and said, "That wasn't very nice, you two. What if he needed help with is homework and he doesn't understand the assignment? You could have helped him, you know."

"Well, I'm not wasting any of my brain cells on people who can't do the assignment right," said Junia. "I have better things to do than to be around people who don't give a crap about their education."

"Same here," said Tarcey. "My father is a teacher, so I must be in top shape academically. It's unnecessary for me to sink even half a letter grade. So, no, no, and heck no! I can't help those who refuse to help themselves!"

At that point, both cynically abusive students turned and saw Jill, Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde walking into the classroom. They didn't say anything to Jill, but they knew that unless they intervened, their only friend would be making the biggest mistake of her entire life...

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