Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever

The story is nothing more than a full-on parody of the Harry Potter books, but this time, all references to magic are removed and replaced with nothing more than blatant realism. 14-year-old Harry Hames Moffer is an orphan living with his paranoid relatives when he is invited to attend Warthogpox High School. Harry meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer, and they investigate the unpopular Larry Dobber books, which Hollyword could turn into a movie if they don't act fast.


8. Chapter 5: Sparks, Snarks, & Spells

When Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde boarded the school bus, there was nowhere else for them to go except the back of the bus. No one really wanted to sit with a bunch of losers like them at all.

Along the way, they all spoke about themselves. Pun spoke about how his family was very poor because Pun's father couldn't find a decent job to support his large family and his mother refused to get a job. Hildegarde's parents were better off, but each of them had to work two jobs just to keep up their home and family. Harry didn't speak much about the MacLeans at all.

When they got off the bus and walked through the school's front door, Domro saw them and pointed towards them, saying, "That's Harry Moffer, who's gonna be studying at Warthogpox. Like orphans will ever be accepted here, famous or no." Then he and his audience started laughing.

"Oh, shut up, you stupid jerk!" Jill snapped at him. To Harry, she said, "Rumor has it that Domro's father was once in Don Forpeomort's inner circle!" Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde giggled upon hearing the joke.

"I heard that!" said an older woman as she came out to see the children. The woman said, "Hello, and welcome to Warthogpox High School. My name is Professor Athira MacFordlepad. Before you go to your classes, I will put you in your assigned homerooms. Follow me."

As he turned and followed Pun and Hildegarde into the school, Harry was unaware that within next few hours, his life would no longer be the same...

Professor MacFordlepad led the kids into the multipurpose room. The teachers, older students, and staff were already there. They all cheered as they saw the kids. Harry saw that many of them were staring at him. He assumed that everyone thought that he was indeed Larry Dobber, the hero of the Larry Dobber series. He left it alone; he would deal with that later.

MacFordlepad picked up a giant bowl filled to the brim with cards and said, "When I call your name, please take the card that I will give you and go to the homeroom where you are assigned."

Hildegarde was called first; she was placed in Falconslug. Domro was placed (surprisingly) in Slitherpad. Jill was also placed in Falconslug. A girl named Junia Brown was placed in Daisyroot.

As each child was sent to a particular homerooms (Slitherpad, Honeybee, Daisyroot, and Falconslug), Harry wondered if any of the kids would accept him for who he really was. He knew that they would not; to them, he was Larry Dobber, the wizarding hero. He watched in anguish as Pun and Neramill were both placed in Falconslug.

"Harry Moffer!" Just then, the sound of his name sent Harry hurtling back to reality. Everyone was looking at him. Harry approached the stool warily, just as he approached the Dourfeys when they had a chore for him to do. He sat down and the hat was placed on his head. The hat said, "You're the famous son of Hames and Linny Moffer. Wonderful thing you did defeating that evil Magician. Alas for you, you have lived with a cruel family and you would like to get revenge on them for mistreating you. Sad to say, your parents were in Slitherpad, but I'm afraid that I'm gonna have to put you in Falconslug!"

Harry stood up and walked over to the Falconslug table amid cheers from most of the school, save for Slitherpad. They weren't too happy about this. Yet, Harry didn't care; he was too busy shaking hands with Professor Snibblepore, who was the principal of Warthogpox and sitting with his new friends. Domro frowned and muttered, "So Harry would rather be a Falconslug and hang out with his friends than join me in Slitherpad? We shall see, Harry Moffer. Oh yes, we shall see."

Professor Snibblepore stood up from his seat and walked to the podium. He said, "Now that I have your attention, I will now tell you all about the rules of our school:

Magic and other role-playing games are not allowed.
You must wear the required uniforms while you are on school property.
If you wish to begin training to join any of the school teams, Madam Forch will be starting classes this Friday.
No student shall enter the Mysterious Sand Dunes; we had lost three students last year when they slipped away from the school grounds. It took Tafrin nearly three days to find them and bring them back. So as a safety precaution, you are to remain on school property at all times.
A word from the mayor of this town regarding his last tour of Warthogpox High a few months ago: he says that the third building is strictly out of bounds for anyone who doesn't want to suffer an unfortunate death."
The students all gasped as they heard the last few words, and the rest of the rules were drowned out by the discussion of what could possibly be the object in the forbidden building.

"Anyway, those are the rules and they are to be followed at all times," said Snibblepore after he had gotten the students' attention. "Now, off to class with you."

Immediately, the room cleared out and everyone rushed off to class. Harry wondered if anything, the teachers would be kicking him out of their classrooms within 30 minutes of his entry.

Although to his surprise, the opposite happened.

Within 30 minutes of orientation, Harry and Pun found themselves running to their first class. They had almost missed breakfast that was held in the cafeteria. When they finally walked into a classroom, Jill hissed to them, "You guys are late too? Shame. I was up at the crack of dawn and then I got lost..."

Though she never got to finish her story, because Professor MacFordlepad noticed them and snapped, "Why are you late to class?" Of course, Harry and Pun couldn't say anything; she had scared them half to death. The teacher then said, "Perhaps one of you should have gotten here on time. Now take your seats."

Later that day, the kids were sitting in science class as Professor Pate walked in. He took one look at Harry and said, "So, I believe that we have Mister Harry Moffer here, our newest celebrity."

Harry said, "I hear that all the time."

"They also say that you are one of the most powerful mages who ever walked the face of the earth," said the Professor, "but judging from your appearance, I say that that is a lie, as there is no such thing as magic. Anyway, I believe that you have met my son Tarcey?"

Harry said, "Yes?" He stared at the boy who sat behind him, the boy with the messed-up brown hair, blue eyes, and tan skin. Tarcey Pate glared at Harry and he immediately turned around in his seat.

Pate said, "Perhaps you do not realize this now, but your future and mine apparently are intertwined for some strange reason..." He looked down and saw Jill writing in her diary. "Pay attention in class, Miss Roseberry!" He snapped so loud, it not only startled Jill, but it frightened Neramill and the rest of the class as well.

Within a few weeks, Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde found themselves constantly hanging out with each other. Sometimes, Jill and Neramill would join the trio, but not outside of lessons. In life, Harry had never had any friends, due to his mistrust of adults and hatred of children who still had their parents. He also had to deal with his "normal" relatives and his own useless life. So, the fact that two people such as Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer were actually friends with him was a first for him.

Here's how Harry's schedule went:

Wake up
Get dressed
Avoid any contact with the MacLean family as they ate breakfast (albeit unsuccessfully)
Go to school
Go home
Do homework
Attempt to avoid contact with the MacLean family during dinner (albeit unsuccessfully)
A few days after being admitted into Falconslug, the brat known as Domro Wilfy and his cronies Verman and Gergy cornered him, Pun, and Hildegarde in the halls. Domro said to him, "So that's Harry Moffer, the poor loser who is at our great school. Such typical craziness."

"Yeah, but it's better than being a rich loser jerk like you," Hildegarde snapped. "Now shut up or else I'll punch you in the face."

"Hildegarde Lamer, isn't it?" Domro snapped as he looked at Hildegarde. "Why don't you comb that ugly hair of yours?"

"You better shut your cursing mouth," Pun warned him. "You have no clout!"

"Hmmmm...nerdy clothes, ugly face, you must be a Teasley," Domro frowned at he stared at Pun. "I'm surprised they even let you in here, considering your family history..."

"Leave them alone!" yelled a kid named Oscar Hernandez (who was put in this story just to show you that not everyone who attends Warthogpox High is White, Asian, or African-American). "You're such a jerk to begin with, Domro Wilfy, so why even bother picking on them?"

"Awww, defending these losers, eh, Oscar?" Domro snapped. "Your mother was a rabbit and your father smelled of vaporgerries!"

Just then, Oscar punched him across his face and said, "I'd watch it if I were you. You know not of what I am capable of. Plus, you don't insult my parents and live."

Domro walked off in anger. His minions walked away with him. "You slapped Domro Wilfy?" Jill cried out as she bounced towards Harry, Pun, Hildegarde, and Oscar with Neramill in tow. "You are so brave, Oscar! Somebody needed to deal with him; I was getting sick of him acting like such a stupid jerk."

"Well, who knows about that son of a bog?" Pun frowned.

"He's nothing more than a cursing fliphead," Oscar frowned.

"Now, if you would excuse me, I must go." He then walked away to the shock of the others.

"Well, isn't this nice," said Hildegarde as they watched Oscar leave. "Who is that kid?"

"I don't know," said Pun with a strange look on his face. "But I really don't like how things are going right now. This needs to change."

"Uh, don't rock the boat," Jill warned him. "You won't like it if they find out..."

"That's enough of that," Harry snapped at Jill. "It's tiring to hear that stupid line every cursing time you see me. I can rock the boat whenever I please!"

Jill glared at him as he stormed away with Pun and Hildegarde following him. If anything, she had witnessed a terrible event back in her old middle school about a person who rocked the boat and reported an incident of extreme bullying to the school officials. The results weren't very good, as the informant was beaten and sent to reform school in the south part of Maine.

"They will never learn," Jill frowned as she continued to the library. "It's time for them to learn a lesson about crossing me."

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