Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever

The story is nothing more than a full-on parody of the Harry Potter books, but this time, all references to magic are removed and replaced with nothing more than blatant realism. 14-year-old Harry Hames Moffer is an orphan living with his paranoid relatives when he is invited to attend Warthogpox High School. Harry meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer, and they investigate the unpopular Larry Dobber books, which Hollyword could turn into a movie if they don't act fast.

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18. Chapter 15: No Heroes Allowed at Warthogpox

Before we get to the ending of the story, we have a few things to go over.

Such as what happened to Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde after the discovery of the (fake) magician's crystal in the third building.

The next day, everyone had returned to Warthogpox High, only to find out that the third building had been destroyed and Mr. Silch was directing the construction crew in removing pieces of what had once been the building and carrying them away.

Tarcey Pate and Junia Brown approached the Grim Trio and said, "Really, jerks? You just HAD to destroy the third building, didn't you? And you didn't even have the decency to apologize for your actions either. When we get done with you, you won't be setting foot in any high school in the Utined Skakes!"

"Now just a minute here," said Neramill as he approached the group. Everyone stared at him. "You can't just ban Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde because they caused all this trouble. If anything, they are heroes because they stopped a madman from getting the crystal and taking over the school. Now, what do you say to that?"

"I would say that they are heroes," said Jill. "They stopped a madman from taking over the school. They saved the library and made sure that we kids can read whatever we want, whenever we want. They faced down the skeleton-ducks and lived. And who are you to tell them what to do?"

Everyone stared at her, feeling quite ashamed of what they had said to the trio. "Now, it's time for the assembly; Professor Snibblepore has some huge announcements to make."

Everyone quickly rushed to the multi-purpose room, all anxious to hear what the headmaster had to say. As soon as the students all gathered in the room, Professor Snibblepore said, "It has come to my attention that there have been some rules that have been broken here at Warthogpox High. The rules regarding the Larry Dobber books have led to the library being closed because the students refuse to check out books. I have never made the rule of reading only the Larry Dobber books and anyone who claims that I made that rule needs a time out. I also did not sanction the building of the Restricted Section in the library; in fact, I had no idea that the structure was there in the first place. I know about the confiscated items that were in Mr. Silch's closet and I will be giving back the items shortly. Mr. Silch will be disciplined for his actions and the superintendent will be investigating the incident of him pushing Harry Moffer, Pun Teasley, and Hildegarde Lamer into the Sand Dunes.

"And while we are discussing Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde, they have broken many of the rules that are placed in the school. They went into the closet, pulled down the walls of the Restricted Section in the library, set foot in both the Third Building and the Sand Dunes, and for good measure, told all of you to stop being children. I don't know about the last one, but I do know about the rest. Let it be known that on this day, Harry Moffer, Pun Teasley, and Hildegarde Lamer have been suspended from Warthogpox High School until further notice."

Everyone gasped in horror as the judgment was announced. After all the good that the Grim Trio had done for the school, they were being suspended for breaking the rules. Jill saw Hildegarde sobbing and Pun looking tearful. Harry had a look of indifference on his face. Jill said, "You can't be serious, sir. You would suspend them after all they have done? This sucks!"

"There's nothing I can do about it, Jill," said Professor Snibblepore. "They broke the rules, so they must be punished. So until the end of the month, or however long a month is, Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde are suspended. That is all."

At once, the entire school broke out into protest. How could this have happened to Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde? Sure, they may have broken the rules, but the broken rules did do some good for everyone, or it would in the long run.

Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde were upset as they were escorted out of the multi-purpose room and taken to the detention room, which would be the place where they would be staying for the rest of the month. The room was tiny, with only eight desks, a table, and a file cabinet. The walls were covered in graffiti. There are no windows, as the windows were covered by bricks. The floor was tiled, or it would have been had the floors been cleaned once in a while. The room itself was so gloomy that no one wanted to be in there, not unless they were sick of school or something stupid like that.

Mr. Silch said to them, "You'll be in here for a long time. If you're lucky, maybe your parents will take pity on you and beg for your remains. Except for you, Moffer; I'll just toss you back into the Sand Dunes and let the skeleton-ducks eat you. You're a disgrace to orphans everywhere."

With that, he walked out the door, shutting and locking it.


As soon as they got back to the Falconslug Room, Jill turned on Tarcey and Junia. "How could you have done this?" she yelled at them. "You knew that I was protecting them be it the fact that they were rocking the boat. Why did you do this?"

"Our mothers were also killed in that accident," said Tarcey,

"Just like your grandfather and Harry's parents. How could you forget that? Harry Moffer killed your grandfather!"

"He didn't," said Jill. "It was Gourd Maldycart who destroyed your families! If you want to blame someone, blame him!"

"Maldycart didn't do it," said Oscar. "If anyone wants to know who did this, it was Snibblepore! How did he know so much about the accident? He had to have caused it!" Everyone stared at him, not believing a word that he was saying. "You see, this whole story was just a mind trick that Snibblepore has played on us, and we fell for it like the saps that we are."

"This is shameful," said Jill. "How did I not see this coming? I was so careful, so precise, and then this happens. How did this happen?"

"Snibblepore is a bad man," said Neramill. "People who do bad things must be punished."

"Indeed," said Jill. "Let's get him!"

Jill, Oscar, Tarcey, Neramill, and Junia slipped out of the homeroom as the other students were debating and headed toward the detention room. Along the way there, they chanced to notice Professor MacFordlepad, Professor Snibblepore, Professor Dibble, and Mr. Silch arguing in the cleaned up and restored library.

"Have you lost your mind, Halfus?" Professor MacFordlepad screamed at him. "You would suspend my students without asking me? You completely ignored me! Now how will you explain to their parents that they have been suspended?"

"Athira, I know that they are your students, but they deliberately broke some rules," said Professor Snibblepore. "If it were up to you, you would have simply given them detention and be done with it. On the other hand, Marpus here wanted them expelled, which I won't allow. Dom here is of a different mindset."

"I'm leaving," said Professor Dibble as he stepped forward. "Those foolish brats exposed my past, which I wanted to keep hidden. Now everyone knows who I was. I can't live with myself knowing that they know my stage name. I was known as Gourd Maldycart."

Jill sucked in a breath; she had no idea that he too was in the accident that killed her grandfather. All the same, she would deal with it another day.

"What do we do now?" Tarcey frowned as the others stared at Jill.

"Back to the classroom before they see us," said Jill. "I won't risk us getting into trouble for their sake."

Everyone nodded as they quickly rushed back to the classroom. Rescuing the Grim Trio would have to wait.

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