Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever

The story is nothing more than a full-on parody of the Harry Potter books, but this time, all references to magic are removed and replaced with nothing more than blatant realism. 14-year-old Harry Hames Moffer is an orphan living with his paranoid relatives when he is invited to attend Warthogpox High School. Harry meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer, and they investigate the unpopular Larry Dobber books, which Hollyword could turn into a movie if they don't act fast.

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16. Chapter 13: What's in the Closet?

After being rescued from certain death by skeleton-ducks, Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde left the Sand Dunes and went home. Mr. and Mrs. MacLean fussed over him, but Lars and Sierra refused to even go near him. Harry guessed that they weren't too happy to see him alive, nor did they expect him to survive his encounter with the skeleton-ducks. Nonetheless, all of that was nothing compared to what was going to happen next.

"What the curse were you thinking to stay in the Sand Dunes?" Jill snapped at Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde as they walked to their first period class the next day. "You had me worried sick! Those skeleton-ducks could have eaten you all and no one would have noticed!"

"Well, we didn't have much of a choice," said Pun. "After Mr. Silch pushed us into the Sand Dunes, we hid in the caves until Tafrin came to rescue us. Besides, did you seriously think that the others wanted us around after the restricted section debacle?"

"Still, you could have done something sensible, like CALLED FOR HELP," Jill snapped at them. "Also, Pun, you need to get out of that wheelbed and start walking before your legs quit working. Harry, you need to quit being such a loser. As for you, Hildegarde, comb your hair. It's embarrassing!"

She stormed off to the classroom before the others could get a word in.


Do you remember the part where the headmaster spoke about the third building? Let's go back to that part again so we don't forget: "And a word from the mayor of this town regarding his last tour of Warthogpox High a few months ago: he says that the third building is strictly out of bounds for anyone who doesn't want to suffer an unfortunate death."

That speech had happened on the first day of school, where Snibblepore had given out the list of rules and regulations at Warthogpox High School. That meant that no one was allowed to go into the Third Building at all.

Yet, there were three students who would break that rule and cause all sorts of trouble for themselves, their fellow students, and the entire school in doing so.

Now you know.

Let's go on to the next topic.


Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde were walking down the hall, as Tarcey and Junia had made it clear that they were unwanted in the classrooms or the library. Not since the incident that had happened yesterday when they accidentally destroyed the "forbidden section" in the library and exposed scores of non-Larry Dobber books to the general student population. For that reason, the kids went wandering down the halls once again, knowing that if they were caught by Mr. Silch a second time, they would find themselves in even more trouble than they already were.

This time, however, they would find themselves even closer to their goal of finding the magician's crystal.

Pun said, "I really think that we should listen to Jill. She seems to know what she's talking about."

"That's a bad pun, coming from you," said Harry. "Even I wouldn't go there, and I'm not that one who's stuck in a wheelbed."

"Enough, you two," said Hildegarde. They glared at her. "We have a crystal to find. Plus, it's not nice to make fun of handicapped people."

"You should talk," Pun snapped at her. "Plus, the 70s called; they want their Afro back."

"Yeah, yeah," said Hildegarde. "Let's search this closet right over there. I heard that that's where they keep the good stuff."

The others agreed and they all went to the closet that was by the stairs leading to the third building. Harry opened a door and saw that there was an array of magical material that Mr. Silch had confiscated from students many years earlier.

"Look at all this junk!" Pun cried out in amazement. There were magic wands, cards, tomes of magical books, and all kinds of other things that were related to magic. Pun said, "I knew that the teachers in this school were hiding something! This is a conspiracy, I tell you!"

"You're right, Pun," said Hildegarde. "The teachers were obviously hiding something. Why else would they tell us not to go into the third building?"

"I think there is a good reason why they are trying to keep this magic stuff away from us," said Harry. "Maybe it had something to do with my parents' deaths?"

"Obviously," said Hildegarde. "They can't call you family's deaths an accident without having something to cover up. What do you think they could be hiding?"

"I think we need to talk to Headmaster Snibblepore," said Pun. "Maybe he knows about what's going on here."

"I hope," said Hildegarde. "I hate to be him when Harry finds out the truth behind why his parents are dead."

Harry nodded; he knew that it was high time for him to solve the mystery of why Hames and Linny Moffer died and why he was living with the Dourfeys for 13 years. All the same, he knew that he wouldn't necessarily like what he had to hear once he confronted the headmaster about his family...

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