Harry Moffer & the Dumbest Story Ever

The story is nothing more than a full-on parody of the Harry Potter books, but this time, all references to magic are removed and replaced with nothing more than blatant realism. 14-year-old Harry Hames Moffer is an orphan living with his paranoid relatives when he is invited to attend Warthogpox High School. Harry meets Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer, and they investigate the unpopular Larry Dobber books, which Hollyword could turn into a movie if they don't act fast.


14. Chapter 11: For Some Insane Reason, Tiny Ponies Are Featured In This Story

Now we move to Jill Roseberry, who was alternating between being angry with Harry Moffer and feeling sorry for him.

She knew that Harry was wrong to "rock the boat", as she had warned him not to do several times in this story, but that boy just couldn't help himself. Even worse was the fact that he had dragged Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer down with him.

Something had to be done.

That night, after the entire neighborhood went to bed, Jill sat up on the couch in the living room, waiting for the inevitable missing child alert to come on the TV. None came. She looked out the window, hoping to see someone putting up missing child posters on the lampposts outside. So far, the lampposts outside her house were bare.

I guess no one cares that Harry Moffer has gone missing, Jill thought to herself as she climbed down from the window. This treaking mullocks, when you think about it.

She frowned as she grabbed her coat and went outside. The weather was unusually bright for an autumn night, and she really didn't want to be seen outside. After locking the front door, Jill hurried to the local park, where she could start her private search for Harry and his friends.

She was halfway up the block when she saw a tiny pony appear in front of her. It wasn't like the multi-colored ponies that she liked to watch on TV. In fact, it was just a regular pony, but only smaller. It ran off as soon as it saw her.

"Get back here!" Jill cried out as she chased after the pony.

The pony ran until it led her to the spot where the Mysterious Sand Dunes began. Jill stared at the dunes and then at the pony. "I take it you don't want to go in there, do you?" she said to it.

The pony stamped its right front foot and shook its head. Jill wasn't too thrilled to go down into the Sand Dunes either. She did not want to go down there and find three bodies.

"Jill Roseberry? What are you doing here?" said Mr. Natterbeak as he saw her while out on his nightly walk.

"Harry Moffer is lost in the dunes," said Jill.

"Indeed," said Mr. Natterbeak as he shook his head. "Good riddance to him."

"How could you say that?" Jill cried out in anger. "He could be dead or worse! You know what lives in the Sand Dunes? Our ancestors came here and stole the land from the Indians. Their priests put a curse on the dunes and claim that anyone who wanders into the dunes will never get out."

"Serves him right," said Mrs. Plimsoll as she joined them. "He destroyed your childhood, that's what he did."

"No," said Jill in protestation. "We kids destroyed our own childhood. By being whiny, greedy, and selfish and not being appreciative of what we truly have, that's what we did. That's why kids today are messed up. Also, I am lucky to have my mother, but Harry doesn't have any parents at all. What do you say to that?"

The silence following Jill's rant told her the answer. No one ever wanted to know what it would be like to grow up without any parental guidance at all. "To that I reply, touché," Jill finished her sentence.

By that time, Jill's mother and other concerned neighbors showed up at the edge of the dunes; Jill had spread a rumor about Harry Moffer being trapped in the dunes with Pun Teasley and Hildegarde Lamer. Tafrin shook his head as he came to the spot where the search party was being formed.

"I knew that this was a bad idea when I saw it," said Tafrin as he surveyed the Sand Dunes. "Mr. Silch has certainly done it this time. We better scurry on down and make sure those kids don't end up hurt."

Everyone else agreed and they all formed a huge search party chain and went down the hill. Jill began praying that whatever happened, she wasn't too late in rescuing Harry and his friends.

Meanwhile, Harry, Pun, and Hildegarde were sitting in the cave, as they had been doing for the last few hours that they had been thrown into the Sand Dunes. They knew that the Sand Dunes were off limits, but it didn't matter now because Mr. Silch had tossed them into the Sand Dunes and there was nothing in the world that they could do about it. None of them had eaten anything and they were sure that someone would have noticed that they were missing by now.

On the other hand, that was nothing compared to what was going to happen to them next.

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