Weeks passed and we had to rehearse again. I felt shitty because my break-up with Harry, and knowing I would see him today didn't make things any better.
I expected Harry to be sad but nothing could prepare me for what I saw. Harry walked in, with big bags under his eyes, and his hair just like it looks like when he wakes up. I wanted to walk towards him and hug him but that would propably make it worse. I felt awful because I was the reason Harry looked like this.
I didn't want to make it akward between us so I just half-smiled at him. He tried to smile back but it was so fake it made me feel upset. I guess I make things akward between us anyway.
Like always Niall was exited about rehearsels. At least he could brighten the mood a little bit. The Take Me Home tour had made Niall more confident. In the beginning a lot of people didn't like Niall and I still don't get why. He's such a sunshine, always laughing and seeing the best in everything. But now they all like Niall, but sadly Niall knows why they suddently like him more: he got his teeth fixed, started to work out, he started wearing tank tops and does his hair in a quif. But what they don't realise is that Niall always has been perfect, with his croocked teeth, his red polo and his feathery blond deyed hair.
Harry just seemed off the whole time. He sang a couple of songs with us but got the lyrics wrong or forgot to sing his parts. The others propably noticed but they didn't say anything about it so they won't upset Harry.
I caught myself staring at Harry regulary, I should stop. But each time I sing a part of one of our songs, I find myself looking at Harry...again...
It was only a week before we had to go touring again. I wanted to, but it wouldn't be the same anymore.
When we were about to leave Harry said he wanted to stay for some songwriting. We thought it was odd, but who were we to stop him? We left Harry in the studio and left the building. Outside Liam took me aside.
'Is something going on between you and Harry?' He asked. Ofcourse he noticed... 'We broke up.' I simply said. 'You guys broke up?' I nodded and walked away before he could ask more questions. I didn't want to talk about it right know and there was also a chance paps would hear us and they would love to spread some bullshit around.
Days passed and it was time to tell Modest! About the break-up. With a lump in my troath I took a shower, got dressed and left for the building.
Inside they were already waiting for me. Jean offered me a seat in his office, and like always, he got straight to the point. 'Are you going to date Eleanor for real now?' Jean, a member of the manegment, asked. I shook my head. 'I'm still gay.' I said. Jean sighed. 'At least things will get easyer now.' Gregor said. I didn't react. 'Do I still need to fake-date eleanor?' I asked. 'Yes, and you just explained why, you're still gay so we need to hide that.' Gregor said. 'But I'm not dating Harry anymore so they won't notice anything about my sexuality.' I protested. 'You are a fag so you will always act like one.' Jean said coldly. 'Giving you a girlfriend will hide it a bit so it looks like you're just a normal popstar.' Jean added. Normal? A part of me wanted to jump up and yell that bieng gay is not wrong and I have right too but I stayed seated and just nodded.
It felt like I had to sit and listen to them for ages. And I felt like a loser, a total nobody after it, but modest always makes me feel that way.
I left the building to go home. When I was about to take a nap, the doorbell rang, it was Liam, he looked concerned. 'You should see this.' He said as he handed me a paper. 'What is it?' 'Harry wrote this...It's a song I guess.' I took it and read it.
Don't let me go
The titel said. When I read the rest of the lyrics it was obvious it was about me. It was a depressing text... What have I done... I asked myself. But I kept reminding myself why I did this. Harry can get so much better, and I'm just holding him back. But still...
I got lost in my mind until I realised Liam was still standing there. 'Thanks for showing me this Liam.' I said. Liam nodded. 'I think Harry really misses you.' He said. 'I miss him too.' I whispered. Liam gave me a comforting half-smile. 'I should go, I promised to visit Sophia before we go on tour again, and that's in a week.' I nodded and Liam hugged me before he left.
Was I making the right descicion? I sat myself on the couch to read the lyrics again.
I promised one day I'll bring you back a star. I caught one and it burned a hole in my hand.
I remembered the moment that we barely knew eachother and I told him he was going to be a star. He told me he would bring one for me too, so we could both be stars together. Now we were stars, but not together. I felt the urge of calling Harry but I stopped myself. He needs to find someone that truly loves him. But then I remembered, I do...but I can't, Harry is propably not even gay.
I just kept thinking and thinking, I needed to talk to someone. Normally I would call Liam. He always cares about us and gives the best advice. The fans often call him daddy direction, that's not without a reason. He's younger than me but it doesn't feel that way.
But I knew I couldn't call Liam, he was propably already out with Sophia and I knew he doesn't have much time to spend with her.
I decided to call Eleanor. Even though she's not really my girlfriend she's still a friend. I often have good talks with her. I called her up and I was happy to hear she wanted to come.
Not much later she stood at my door. I explained the situation and showed her the song.
In the corner there is a photograve. No doubt in my mind it's a picture of you. It lies there alone in a bed of broken glass...
'Does Harry have a picture of you in his house?' Eleanor asked. 'On his nightstand.' I said with a crackle in my voice because I realised it was broken on the ground now.
'why did you actually break up with him?' Eleanor asked. 'Because it wasn't working out... In the beginning it was all cuddling and kissing...but Harry was only sixteen, it could have been just a stupid crush of him, I don't believe he's actually gay, I mean have you ever looked at him?' I said, looking at my lap. 'What er who makes you think Harry is straight?' Eleanor asked. 'I just know.' 'C'mon someone should have said something to make you think that way...' She tried to force the truth out of me. 'Jean of the manegment told me I made Harry believe he's gay but I'm too selfish to admit it.' I said, trying not to get upset. 'That's bullshit.' Eleanor said. 'I don't know... We just tried to hide our love but people started to notice and before I knew it, Larry Stylinson evidence was all over the place. We knew we had to try harder to hide but it caused me and Harry to grow apart...' Eleanor rubbed her hand on my back. 'I know it's hard, but I believe if you follow your heart you will be okay. If you know you made the right descicion, you don't need to be worried.' She said, trying to make me feel better.
But that was the point. I didn't know if I made the right descicion.
Could I possibly just make Harry believe he is gay? I thought back about our first kiss.
*We survived another week on the x-factor. The tirth week already. Me and Harry left the group early to go back to our room. We just lied on the bed and were just so happy and we started a ticklefight. Before I knew it I was lying on top of a giggling Harry, my face just inches away from his. I stared right into his emerald green eyes and it seemed like he stared back. Harry stopped giggling and I leaned in closer, looked at his lips, and the next moment I gentely pressed my lips onto his. Was he kissing me back? But quickly I pulled back. 'I'm sorry I...' I couldn't even finish my sentence because Harry pulled me back and this time it was he who crashed his lips onto mine, and I happely kissed him back*
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'I don't know what to do anymore El.... I sighed. 'just take some time... Maybe time will tell you what's wrong and what is right?' She answered. I nodded. 'I guess you're right.'
'Can I ask you a question?' Eleanor nodded. 'Ofcourse.' 'Can you stay here for a while...I mean just like friends?' 'Yeah. No problem. I'll tell my parents and get my stuff. I nodded and waited for Eleanor to come back.