4. I wanna end it here!
It kills me. And I wish it would really kill me. The thought that I am the one who killed my parents. The thought that I am the reason my brother does not have any family now. The thought of being the "unwanted one". It kills me.
"Just kill yourself. Why do you need to stay in a world where you are not wanted?" A harsh voice said inside of my head. "Kill yourself. Don't you hate it?! your life?!"
I looked around me. darkness ate up the place. Silence invaded my room. I was scared. These voices were killing me.
"Do it! Or do you not really wanna die? do you like being the one who killed her parents?"
I reached for the little cutter. rolled up the sweater's sleeve. My wrist. Skin so pale and fine. I don't wanna live anymore. I don't. I cut a straight line through my wrist. blood trickled down. nice and cool. Maybe my past will trickle away with it?
"deeper you dummy. This won't do anything."
I cut deeper a couple of times, but none of them tries reached my veins to kill me.
"Uhh never mind. Lets try something else. See that cupboard over there? It has pills. Take as many as you can from them."
Ok. I reached for the cupboard, ignoring my bleeding wrist, and took as many my hands could hold, then galloped them all at one. I drank amounts of water to swallow it down. what now?
"looks like that did not do anything. Can you see that bottle of bleach over there? This is our last chance. And it WILL work. You will feel that pain nicely hurting you, relaxing your body parts. You don't need to go through a lot. You will be dead soon."
I crawled to the bleach bottle. opened the lid. It was a kind of yellow-ish green-ish colour. I lifted the bottle to my mouth and top a sip.
"more stupid more!"
I gulped as much as I could but then I could not take no more, I started vomiting so much. My insides felt like they were tearing me apart. Nicole opened the door of the room and saw me vomiting, with the bleach bottle next to me. She exclaimed, "LIZ DARLING!! OMG!!"
I was then taken to the hospital.
"Don't do that again. Dont give up yet! It is not too late! You can still change things! you can still Correct your mistakes."
A voice in my head said. Who is that to tell me what to do??!
"You can still look for a family. For Louis. You can still make it work"
Louis is not even a relative. Why would he have to deal with me!
"Committing suicide is not the answer. Please! Stop hurting yourself. Stop doing all of this. please. You can make it work. You were not the reason of your parent's death. Your dad was horrible. He scared you off. You were not the one!"
Is that true...Can I really make it work?
When I started feeling like I can correct things, my past kept coming back to me. In the hospital, in a bed, I started screaming, pulling my hair, trying to make my part go away.