Today I stood on that corner you said you'd meet me on in 5 years. I waited the entire day. I woke up around 7 just because I couldn't sleep the night before. I was so excited to see you after all this time. I remember we broke up and you said you hated me and you didn't want anything to do with me. I still cry about that at least once a week. But I remembered that when we were around 10 or 11, we made this silly promise that we'd meet up on Febuary 1st. I thought it was stupid but you convinced me after you batted your eyes. Those eyes could stop wars from happening around the world. You told me that once either of us said we hated each other, we'd meet up in 5 years on this exact spot and see if we still hated each other. At the time, it didn't seem possible for us to hate each other. Hell, it seemed like we'd never hate each other. Everyone always told me that'd we'd be that cliche couple no matter what happened. I'd love to show those people where we are now. Still don't actually hate you to be perfectly honest. I'm still head over heels with you. I never found someone who came remotely close to you. I guess I never tried hard enough. It was around 6 in the evening when I decided that you weren't going to show up. The entire day, I stood in the pouring rain waiting for you. That's not true, about halfway the lady in the shop gave me an umbrella which I gratefully toke. I wondered if I should wait a little longer, you know if case you forgot or something. I waited and waited and waited for you to come along. I wanted to see your bright smile and the way your eyes lit up when they met mine. I just wanted to see you again to make sure you were ok. I needed to make sure you weren't broken like I am. I started to question myself, maybe I was on the wrong corner? No, that wasn't possible. You specifically said Rosemount Street. The way you said it made it seem so obvious. As if I should've known that was our first real date. It was really around 11 at night when I walked back to my dingy apartment which I can barely afford right now. The place still hasn't changed you know. I still have the pictures hanging on the walls. It serves as a painful reminder of how badly I screwed up. I still kept that ratty pillow on the couch, the one you always complained about being 'lumpy'. I will always have that drawer that squeaks when you open it. Oh and that shower handle? I ended up fixing that one, it fell off just like you said it would. I honestly don't even know what I wanted to happen today. I guess I just wanted a chance I knew I didn't deserve. Maybe you moved to California or New York like you always said you wanted to but I was too stubborn to listen. I suppose I love England too much despite my constant traveling. If you did move over there, I hope you are happy. Actually I hope you're downright miserable. Selfish right? I miss you too much to even hear about you loving someone else. After you left the apartment that December night five years ago, I couldn't take it. I went mad without you. But once I realized that you weren't coming back was when I truly lost it. I think the worst moment in my life was when I came home from tour and all of your belongings were gone. Although, I did find a shirt of yours, which up until I accidentally washed it, still smelled like you. Or at least I've convinced myself it did. It's hard not seeing you every day. Or holding and kissing you when I want to. It's hard not being able to comfort you when you cry. I try not to think about it a lot because it still hurts me. I just couldn't seem to wrap my head around you being gone. Even five years later, I can't get it hammered into my head. I still think, almost daily, that you're gonna be here once I'm home or that we can just go out for fun. But then I come back to earth and realize that you, in fact, aren't here. I remember that you're probably better off without me. You probably have a fantastic boyfriend, a great home, and possibly even a family in the future if not now. And this is how I spend my nights. I think of you and hope you are thinking of me even though I know you're not. I shouldn't have gone out that night. I shouldn't have left you when you needed me. I guess I just needed that hour of space before really thinking about it and coming to terms about it. You know that nursery room? I haven't been in it since we painted it and made it perfect. It hurt too much to even walk past that door. I'm grateful that I have my room before it. I wouldn't be able to walk past it every night knowing that our child could've been sleeping in that very room if I hadn't put that much stress on you. Yes, I still blame myself for loosing the baby. Our little girl. I didn't want the paparazzi to hunt us down on our 3 year anniversary. That's why I toke you way out to the country side. You cried so hard when they asked about this girl I had been seen with more than once. I still swear on everything that I never once cheated on you. I love you too much. You were not only my childhood best friend but my girlfriend and possibly the only one who saw past my walls. You knew me inside and out. I barely let the boys in that's how guarded I was. After you left, I didn't let anyone new in. And I even went as far as to shut everyone else out. We had argued so much and then I received the tour dates. Not even a week later, you told me we had lost our baby girl. It was the 7th month of the pregnancy and it was due to stress. The doctors told you that it was rare to loose a child that late in the pregnancy and it had to have been due to extreme circumstances. Before we dated I assume you never had stress. Even during the X-Factor, we talked and during all those tours I flew you out and you never once left my side. It is my fault. I remember thinking of baby names, I quite liked Lily and you seemed to love it too. It was settled, we'd have Lilian Rose.. You laughed because those were both of our favorite flowers but we still loved the name. I vowed that she'd be a stunning little flower child and you laughed so hard. I'll never forget that night of nothing but pure laughter. I'm sorry for rambling and having this letter go on even longer, I just need to get this off my chest before I go completely looney. After you left, I cut off all connections to the outside world. I stopped talking to everyone. I stopped tweeting. I stopped eating for a bit too. I couldn't sleep knowing that you were off not protected. You might not be my girlfriend anymore, but I still care for you. We've known each other since primary school and since then we couldn't be separated. I always thought we'd be stuck with each other. I remember our mums' always joked saying that we'd always have each other but then that all added up and now I don't even have a best friend to talk to. Not only do I miss you being my girlfriend but I miss you as my friend the most. After the final tour closed, I lost touch with all the boys. They all talk and tweet and hang out but not me. They got fed up with my depression and mopping around. They left me. I don't even think I have the fans anymore. I haven't tweeted in such a long time, they probably assumed I'm dead. I might as well be. I've never been so alone. I literally have no one, even my cat left me. And it hurts knowing that you're not. How do I know this? Well my mum and your mum still talk. My mum always tells me "how great you've been doing and how you found that one man", James was it? I guess I hope you and James are happy. I'm glad you forgot about me. I'm glad that you didn't met me here tonight. If you had been there today, you wouldn't have recognized me. My curly hair is still curly just not as much. It's gone more of this flat colour. My eyes don't sparkle anymore, they've gone more of a grey from the amount of crying I've done. I've lost a lot of weight and not nearly as buff or fit anymore seeing as all I do is sit around. I'm still lanky and tall. My smile isn't bright and surely doesn't reach my eyes, although I've gotten my fake smile rather good. Had you been there today, I would've recognized you, no doubt. Even if you changed as much as me, I would've still been able to point you out in a heartbeat. But you weren't there today so I guess I can't say that. I miss you so much. I wish I had the right words to say to you but I don't. I need to hear your voice and make sure you're ok. I need to be there for you. I hate seeing all of these tweets about you and your new doll. I hate seeing you happy with someone that's not me even though he treats you loads better. I hate it all and it kills me knowing you forgot about me., although it probably is for the better. I stood there crying in the rain basically the whole day and you don't even have the decency to call me up and say I'm sorry? You never returned my calls or texts or desperate tweets. I love you Lacy and you don't realize it. It drives me insane when I hear all of these crazy stories and rumors about you and James getting married or being pregnant. I just, I just wish that I wasn't so stupid all those times. I wish I could've appreciated you whilst you were here and mine. I know you won't even bother to read all of this in one sitting just because you still hate me. You may not even remember me or what happened. Five years is a terribly long time. I still don't know what I was thinking when though it was you who left me. But I want you to know one thing, I'm sorry. I know it doesn't mean much, but I mean it. I'm sorry and I want to take it all back but it's been too late. And I realize that this address probably isn't even the right one. I hope it is. I still have so much to write but I have to refrain until I know that it's you for sure. Tell James I said hi even if he doesn't know who I am. You could always just tell him I'm your brother or long lost friend. I still love you and I always will.
P.S I'm sorry for the smudged writing, you knew I was never good at this whole writing thing.