Did you honestly think I forgot? I'm the one that made the promise, of course I didn't forget. I saw you two days ago at the corner we promised we'd meet each other at. I was there the entire time. You don't actually look as bad as you think you do. Granted you have lost a lot of weight but your curls as still as perfect as always. You still wear that stupid bandana I always hated. But you are the only one who can look good in that ugly piece of fabric. I guess I was just scared. I was the one who left you. I assumed you didn't want to see me, I killed our child and ruined what we had. I got up around 7:30 because I couldn't sleep either but I still needed my sleep. After all, I barely sleep as it is. I got ready but I really looked at myself for the first time in those five years. I too had lost quiet a bit of weight, you could faintly see the outline of the bone structure that was keeping me together physically. My hair reaches about mid-back and it's still a multitude of colors just how you liked it. It's gone more of a wavy rather than the straight I had in the past. I'm still as short as I was if not shorter. I pulled on the beanie you gave me a month before we broke up and headed out the door. The poor thing has holes in it and is a washed out grey but it still keeps me warm like you used to. I got into my car and started the engine. It was actually really cold maybe my heart was rubbing off on the environment. I made my way downtown and saw you standing on the corner of Rosemount Street and William Ave. You had your head ducked down in case someone like me recognized you. That jacket still looks huge on you. I walked past you twice but you seemed too deep in thought to notice it seems. I walked past you a third time bumping into your shoulder but you still didn't seem to care. I then proceeded to the cafe and sat down. I ordered the hot chocolate you always loved. I guess I wanted to lure you in with the smell of old times. This cafe was where you toke me on our first date. I remember your mum dropping us off and making jokes. But then again, it wasn't much of a date since you had Hailey at the time. It was raining like it always does as we ran inside. You ordered for me and I ordered for you. I smiled as I thanked the waitress who brought by my hot chocolate. I looked out the window and saw you standing there. Tears welled in my eyes as I saw you checking your phone. I let the tears fall down my cheeks, not caring who saw me. It was my fault. You are this broken because I left. And I am so sorry. I will never be able to apologize enough. I shouldn't have overreacted when you left. I was just fed up with life at that point. It was the hate and the publicity and the stress and the fights and the drunken nights all added up together. It just filled up my glass and it overflowed. I didn't mean to run away. I guess I thought that if I left the house that nothing bad would happen. Like I would get back old times, I just wanted back the Harry before the fame. Which was so beyond wrong. I was questioned about every detail from every magazine and media site. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to be held by you but I left you. I left you when you needed me. We needed each other so much and I guess we were both wrong. It's still not your fault that I lost the baby. I should've been more open about how I was feeling and not kept it inside. That's what really killed Lilian Rose. It was all my fault, not one drop falls on you but it's too early in the letter to talk about that. Once I left, I stayed at a hotel near the countryside. The one we passed on the way to dinner on our anniversary. I stayed there for a bit until I got called out by my mom. She told me that it wasn't ok to leave you and that I needed to return to you. I knew she was right, it's just, I was scared. I didn't want you to lash out on me again and chances happened to be in my favor. You were already in Ireland. I guess the tour started earlier than I remembered it would. Maybe I was holding you back from the last world tour. I toke that time to go to the apartment one last time. It was a week after I left you and I remember it so clearly. The wounds still as fresh as that night. I climbed the stairs like I used to because you would call me lazy when I toke the elevator. I had the key on my keyring, still to this very day. I stuck the keys in and slowly turned in case you stayed home. I knew you weren't allowed to but just to be sure I slowly turned and pushed the door. It still squeaks, you really should invest in some oil. I looked around the apartment and felt the tears crawl back into their rightful place of my eyes. I breathed in and was greeted by the smell of you. The water in my eyes fell to the ground and pooled near my socks. I remembered to take off my shoes because I knew how much you hated shoes prints on your wood flooring. I walked into the kitchen and felt as if you were there with me. I turned around slowly, in fear, that if you were there, you'd get scared off and not want to talk with me. Of course when I turned around, you weren't there. I made myself a tea and sat on the couch for a bit. Mainly because I wished you were here to hold me and keep me safe whilst the thunder rang outside the living room window. I looked around the room and smiled at the pictures of us around the living room. All of those silly ones of you made me laugh. The sound echoed throughout the halls and it was an unfamiliar sound. It felt like I haven't laughed in such a long time. I still haven't, not a real one, it's almost like you're the only one who can make me smile and mean it. I finished my tea and got up. I collected my clothing items from the bedroom and I left one shirt in exchange for the one I toke from you. I packed it into the suitcase I had brought. I put in the makeup you insisted I never needed. I miss your constant bugging of asking why I even needed the substance. James just tells me that I need either more of it or a different kind. I laid down on the bed and remembered all of the bitter-sweet memories. The light aqua colored walls seem to be crying as well. The ceiling fan still had the dust on it from never being used. But you insisted on buying the darn thing. The writing above the bed still held my heart. It was a cursive black writing which simply stated "It feels right so let's do it all together." I clenched my eyes together and balled my fists at my side. How could I have been so stupid? I screamed in out in frustration and almost hit the wall. Maybe I do need to start hitting up the gym again? Dragging my suitcase behind me, I made my way downstairs. I left it there and went back upstairs. I walked past our room and into what would've been our daughters bedroom. I closed the door behind me and slid against the door landing on the white plush carpet that had only been walked on a select amount of times. My head against my knees as I looked down. I cried and cried in that room. It hurt so much. My baby was gone because I was too stupid to talk about how I felt. It felt like I had sat there for hours before I looked up. My hair was wet along with my shirt and the top part of my pants. My eyes wandered the light pink room. They landed on the adorable outfits that I had received from the baby shower a few weeks before. I don't think I'd be returning these anytime soon let alone you. I stumbled up and felt the blanket that was laying on the crib side. It was so soft and fluffy and could've made anyone feel loved and happy. On that day, it didn't do the trick. This room was ready for a baby to be put in it. The wall above the changing table had "Lilian Rose Styles" written above it in cursive along with butterflies and flowers. She would've been the perfect flower child. I still laugh about that. After a bit longer, I left the room. I placed my cup in the washer and grabbed my case filled with my belongings. I looked around one last time and walked into the hallway. I wiped the mascara off my face and toke deep breaths in and out, trying to compose myself until I got inside my car. I walked out of the building and saw photographers almost everywhere. I hid my face with my hair and ran to the car. I sped back to the hotel and bumped into this guy. That guy is known as James. We got to know each other but we toke it slow, very slow. At first it felt like he was using me for fame but that feeling quickly vanished about 3 years ago when he toke me to meet his parents. They live in California, just to my luck. We ended up staying there for quite a bit but I could't take living there without you. I snapped out of my thoughts when the lady at the diner told me they close in 5 minutes. I glanced at my phone and saw loads of messages and above all I saw it was 7 in the evening. I looked out and saw you still standing there with your head down although you would look up every now and then. I got up from my spot and thanked the lady who gave me my chocolate. She stopped me and told me that you would still accept me even after what happened. I had no idea how she knew or how she remembered me after such a long time but it made me smile knowing that someone other than me still had faith in us. I gave her a hug which she quickly returned and I left. I shrugged on my coat and adjusted the beanie. The cold nipped at my face as the tears began to well again. I chocked back a sob as I walked past you for the fourth time that day. I should've just ran up and hugged you. I should've just used my damn words and maybe I'd be in your arms right now, but I didn't. I was terrified that you might not even remember me. At that point, I remembered James and how much he cared for me. I realize that he doesn't love me at all, in fact it's the total opposite of love, but I owe him. I have to stay with him. I miss you so much. I want you to hold me again. I want my clothes to smell like you. I want to kiss you when I'm happy or sad or when I want to. I wish I wasn't so stupid and used my words. I wish I knew for a fact this was actually you. I wish I wasn't a punching bag for everyone. I'm so sick of being abused by every person who comes into my life. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought that up again. Here I am fucking things up again when I finally got the chance to be in your life again, even if it's just for a little bit. These past five years, I was hoping that you forgot about me. I hoped you moved on from me and made new friends. I mean, I still see those magazines with you and godknowswho it was last week. Maybe that's what led me to believe that you forgot about me. I wish you knew how badly I wanted to call you back or tweet you back or just see you. I wasn't allowed to. James may seem like a great guy but he's not. He's not you in any way and you're all I want. I'm writing this letter since he's out and I couldn't stand not talking to you anymore. I don't hate you nor did I ever, I was just frustrated. He's bound to be back soon and he can't catch me writing this, I'm already terrified enough as it is. God, I love you so much and now I'm truly realizing how much I missed you. All this time, I've repressed the heartbreak. I hope its not too late to fix things even though it probably is. I'm sorry, for leaving you, for killing our child, for damaging what we had, for everything even if it wasn't my fault. Please go eat some food and try and laugh, I'm worried. I still love you and I care about you.
P.S I'm sorry for breaking down, write back fast, I have more to tell you<3