46. Chapter Forty-Six.
I am afraid to be with him.
After the guys leave I let my smile fall and I bite on my lip. Jenny is in her room looking for her phone and I go upstairs and knock on her door quietly. "Jenny?" I ask and she mumbles something in reply. I walk into her room and chuckle at the mess she created. "I am scared." I whisper and she quickly turns back around and gasps when she sees my face. "What happened? Did Ian do something?" She asks and I shake my head, sitting down on her unmade bed. "No, it's not him. Its me. I am letting him get too close. I don't know why and god you should know how stupid I feel right now for doing it, we haven't even been together for a month or anything and I already changed everything for the lad. " I explain and she smiles at me in sympathy.
"It's not bad to let people close." She says and I shake my head. "It is. I have trust issues. I let him see so many things, I let him see things no one ever saw before, not even you and he tells me he won't hurt me but that scares me even more." I exclaim and she hugs me. "I think its good that he is close." She says and I shake my head. "You don't understand. It's bad it's very bad. I have worked so hard to be that strong girl everyone is afraid to be with and now I feel like I am getting so weak for him. " I tell her and she shakes her head. "You're still the strongest person I have ever known in my life, you're just letting yourself be loved."
I bite my lip and chuckle. "But I can't let myself be loved!Letting yourself be loved meaning letting the person get close again and when a person is close it hurts more when he leaves. It's not as easy at it seems letting someone get close to you when you have trust issues. Remember how long it took me to trust you? And it's different with love." I tell her and she frowns. "I guess. I just don't know how it feels." She says and I smile at her. "All I needed was some company. And you're an expert at keeping company." I tell her and nudge her on the shoulder lightly, she giggles but I still see that she is not fully happy.
"I don't understand why guys pick what they see as a challenge? " She mumbles and I look at her weirdly. "I mean Ian could of easily had any girl who would tell him everything in a matter of a second, but he chose you and he is loving the mystery around you. I don't understand it. "She shrugs her shoulders and I chuckle. "By any girl you mean yourself don't you?"I ask and she nods her head. "But it's okay I understand him. " she replies and I nod my head. "Not all guys like that. Some guys like easy-going relationships where they don't have to guess what goes on in their girlfriends lives. " I tell her and she pouts. "Look at Anto. He is one of those lads who wants to know every single detail from his girl's life. I am sure he wouldn't want you hiding things from him." I tell her and she nods her head.
I look down at my hands and frown then I realise that no matter how long Jenny is with someone else she is still in love with him and no matter how hard she tries she still gets jealous and as a result of my thoughts I decide that from now Ian will know just as much as he can guess. I am not telling him any of the thoughts of mine nor am I sharing any things from the past with him. If he wants to be with me, he will be with me. And if a couple of secrets push him away, well then be it.