After that momentously embarrassing moment with my mom, I received my allowance and was able to get my babes some fuel and a toothbrush. The rest of the week slipped away without any detentions. I went to the parking lot where James and I decided to have the lessons. He either showed up high, drunk, or 'busy', but there was one thing that really surprised me, he was always there before me. For this week I gave up on him, he seemed really hopeless, but I'll always show up because I have a month of detention to skip. I know it's despicable for me to use him like this, but he's doing the same, so it's fair trade.
The long awaited day of the week has arrived. Saturday. It is now half past two. Thirty more minutes until the appointed time. I spent most of the day searching for pick-up lines that weren't cheesy and I found some weird stuff, such as:
You still use internet explorer, I see you like it nice and slow.
There's this movie I wanted to see and my mom said I couldn't go by myself.
I put the STD in STUD, and all I need is U.
Obviously these were all fails, so I resorted to contacting my oracle, Leyla.
I entered Leyla's room without knocking, because I was desperate and running out of time.
"What the hell are you doing in my room, without f**king knocking?" said the Queen of French. She was lying on her bed, staring intently at her laptop with a dreamy look.
"Sorry, I just need your help." The words pained to leave my throat, I did all sorts of things as I waited for her response. Scratched my head, looked at the ceiling, looked at my feet, looked at her lava lamp - her lava lamp looked rather strange, it had a cable, it had a handle, it had vine looking designs, it was straight and it didn't have lava and it was opaque... and it was a dildo. I'll never look at her in the same way.
"What do you want?" She didn't even bother to hide her annoyance or show some interest. "If you want dating advice, I'd say you're sleepwalking."
"Well, I'm actually here for dating advice." I whisper-yelled my concern, because I was embarrassed. This caught her off-guard and she gave me a disbelieving look.
"You're jokin', right?" The disbelief in her eyes was so much that I felt offended. "Who's this girl that has probably been paid to go out with you?"
"Hey, girls actually ask me out, but I reject them because I-"
"You are gay, I know little brother." Her rude interruption really put me down, and no I am not gay. "Let me correct myself, who is the guy worthy enough of gainin' your acceptance?" She said with so much joy, that it was unnerving.
"Actually, Leyla, I'll just go ask someone else. You really are something else, huh?" Rage was eating up my insides and I wanted to give Leyla a chunk of my mind. I just took deep breaths and left the room, but just for the fun of it, I slammed the door loud enough that my mom had to yell a warning which I ignored.
Back in my room with Google. I called Hugo and he said he was too busy, Dave wasn't an option, because I wasn't in the mood to hear deep thoughts or how girls are snakes and they'll trick you tillt he day they die. I called a lot of people, but they were all somehow busy. There was one number that I could still try. James Nicholson. Never thought I'd need his help, but he'll probably be busy right now like everyone else, smoking, drinking, getting... 'laid' as he puts it.
I grab my phone and call him.
James Nicholson... Dialling
That went on for a good ten seconds before he answered.
Hello? Who is this?
Uh... Hey, this is Jeremy.
Jeremy? Do I know you?
Uhm, yes, yes you do. I'm the guy who tutors you.
Oh, you. You bailed on me on all the lessons this week. What the hell is wrong with you? If I fail any of my tests, you'll be in some deep-
I get that your education is important, but what I have to ask is more important. I need your help.
This is interesting. The nerd needs the help of the druggy. If you need some weed, I'm loaded. Need some t*ts, they're just a phone call away.
Could you please shut up and listen!
Someone's in a bad mood today. What can I help you with?
I-I need s-some advice on d-dating.
Well you came to the right place, turd. Judging by your desperation I'm guessing the date's today.
Yup, It's today in a couple hours, and why did you call me turd?
I heard from some kid that it's your nickname. Well, that is not important. Listen to my next words carefully, the next words can determine your success or epic failure at this date. Even though my advice is awesome, you will probably fail.
Well, thanks for the words of encouragement.
Anyway, for the actual advice. First, you have to make sure you take to a nice place. Nothing cheap like McD's. She's a woman, she deserves-
My door burst open and Leyla walked in, "I'm here to help you with your failure of a date." Why does everyone think I'm going to fail? I don't fail at tests, then why would I fail a date?
I put my finger to my mouth, to tell her to can it. She gave me a disbelieving look that was worse than the previous one. she grabbed my phone and ended a very, very important call. Now I was the one giving her the look.
"How dare you do something so foolish. Oh my god, Layla!" I was so frustrated. His advice was actually sounding good and useful. Now I'll definitely fail at this.
"Calm your man boobs. I'm here to help." She said it with a content tone and she had the victorious stance of a hero,but she was the exact opposite at this moment. "So who is the girl? I'm not going to tell you any of my clever jokes, I'm serious this time."
"Carmen," I said it almost like a whisper.
"Carmen, who?" She was really asking me that?
"Carmen, Carmen." I said it as if repeating her name would make her realize that I'm talking about my crush, and it worked.
"Carmen, Igor's sister. Carmen, your crush!" She said in an extremely high-pitched voice causing me to cringe. "How did you get of your virgin ass and ask her?"
"I wish you could stop talking like that." I said with a shake of my head. I told her the whole thing from the outburst about her looks to the almost being raped and beyond.
"My little brother is going on a date with his crush." she aggravatingly said.
"Maybe we could go on a double date, You, me, Carmen and Igor. Awkward but cool."
"That won't be possible, 'cuz Igor and I ended things." For someone who is talking about her break-up, she didn't look particularly sad. Even Miley Cyrus showed some emotion.
"Why did you guys break-up? He got to boring for you?" I was asking the same usual questions. She either gets bored or finds someone better.
"There is some new booty that needs taking," I guess it's the latter. "James Nicholson." Her eyes became distant, just like when she was staring at her laptop.
"Well, I hope you get it?" I said dubiously and raised my thumbs.
"Well, brother let me give you some award-winning advice on how to get girls."
I wonder who's advice I should follow? Leyla, she knows what a girl wants because she's a girl or James, he knows a lot of methods because he's done them all. Both are veterans.
At McDonald's, for the past hour or so. Eating some random burger, and they forgot to put the patty. I'm eating a salad sandwich with a single leaf of lettuce. These employees lack appreciation for their customers.
Just like how Carmen doesn't appreciate you.
I took a cab home. I wished it were raining, so I could say that the Earth is feeling just as disappointed as I am, but no, the sun is shining bright with no cloud in sight. Everyone around me seemed to be smiling for no freaking reason.
When I finally got home, I was called by my sister to find that Carmen was in her room. I was shocked, but I didn't show any emotion. Just keeping a bland face.
"I waited for you at the meeting place for about an hour," I said in a defensive tone, I sounded like I was apologizing, but I don't have a reason to apologize. "But you never showed up. I guess you might have been too busy." I gave them a half smile and started to walk out.
"Wait, Jeremy." said Carmen. Her sweet melodic voice gave me brief sentiments of joy. "I went to about 5 different McD's but I couldn't find you in any of them. You should've told me which one." Now that I think about it, I didn't tell her exactly where. "So, I thought maybe your sister knew, so here I am asking your sister where you might be." She looked apologetic. I feel bad because... because... I don't know why I feel bad, I just do.
"He's right there," said Captain Obvious.
I remembered James' first advice, don't take her somewhere cheap. "If you still have the time I'd like to take you somewhere."
"I'd love that." said Carmen as she kissed my cheek. And now... I'm blushing in front of my crush which my sister said is a sign of weakness and that it is a turn off. "I like it when you blush, you look cute." She winked at me. My buddy in my pants was trying to make a run for it, but I tamed him before things got out of control. All these emotions our quite foreign, for I didn't get them very often.
So far James' advice is working. James - 1 ; Leyla - 0
I don't have a car, so I had to borrow Leyla's convertible which is black and pink (mostly pink). Driving this car is quite embarrassing, and I hate the fact the fact that it can't weave through traffic as easily as a bike, but luckily for me, where we're going isn't too popular.
We drove with the cover pulled back. The wind mingling with our hair. We listened to the radio and sang along to a few Owl City songs, but the one song that really got us going was As Long As You Love Me by Justin Bieber. I hate the song, she hates the song. I only know because it gets me out of bed fast, she knows it because her friends are obsessed with him. It became a competition to show us which one of us suffered listening to it the most by trying to sing the whole song perfectly.
"I told you I listened to it more." She gloated. A dazzling contagious smile danced on her face and I caught it too. "Where are we going?"
"A place where revenge is served," I gave her a cross-eyed smile.