I find myself in a dark secluded place;I begin to wander around.Where am I going?I have no idea,there's absolutely nothing around me or in plain sight except darkness.Everything here is so empty,it feels lonely and abandoned.I continue to wander,I can hear the echo of my footsteps but it doesn't bother me.
I continue to walk and I see a faint light not far ahead.I recognize this light and I begin to feel fear creep up within me.I can't allow this light to haunt me any longer,I have to confront this now or it will never end.I take a deep breath and allow myself one step.I pause for a moment;I clench my hands into fists working up the courage to take another step.I do so and I approach the light slowly.With every step it seems to grow stronger and brighter but I can't allow fear to take hold of me now.This ends here.
I continue to walk towards the light;I am eventually face to face with the light.It's just a ball of light and it is gently bobbing up and down.I stare at it and then I hear a faint whisper say my name.I show no reaction to this,I just remain staring at it with my eyes wide open.I don't know why but I feel drawn to this light,I take a step closer and I can't help myself when I slowly begin to reach for the light.My hand is just inches away from the light,I hold back any fear I may have and don't dare to stop myself.The tip of my fingers are so close to coming in contact with the light.I hesitate and pull back slightly.No,not this time!I reach again and don't bother taking my time.My hand and the light finally meet but the second they do the light's radiance grows brighter and nearly blinds.I can see the light expanding and it swallows up the entire darkness that surrounds me.
I open my eyes and I blink a couple of times.I find myself in an unfamiliar room.I look around me,it looks like a girl's room.I get up and I see the door,I go over to it and open it.When I open it I find a girl standing in the hallway but she looks like she's hiding herself behind the wall.I walk out the room closing the door and I walk towards her.
"Hey are you alright?"
"Hello?Can you hear me?"
"Hey can't you he-," I reach for her shoulder but instead of grabbing it my hands goes right through her.I pull my hand back and I freak out.I look to my hand and then I look down at the girl.She looks like she's watching something.I begin to hear screaming,it sounds like a man and a woman.I walk out of the hallway and then I follow the screaming.It's coming from what appears to be the living room;when I walk in I see two adults yelling at each other,they must be arguing.I wonder if they know their daughter is watching them.I think of ways to try and stop their arguing for their daughter's sake but then I realize if their daughter couldn't hear me then they probably won't either.Can they even see me?The answer to that is most likely no.I walk closer to the adults arguing close enough so I can see their face only when I do I am in shock.The two adults arguing are my mother and father.
I'm so overwhelmed that I end up falling back.I stay on the floor watching them argue.All their shouting hurts my hears and I sit down covering them with my hands.It suddenly hits me,if they're my parents then the girl must be...me.I look towards the hallway entrance and I see the younger me peeking at the corner of the hallway entrance.I can only see her eye and a hint of her face but I already know what she's feeling.Scared,worried,concerned,sad...all the same emotions I felt on that very day.I look back to my parents still yelling at each other.My dad is trying to calm my mother down but she's lost it.She's crying and yelling,her face is red and covered in tears.
"I can't believe you would do something so selfish!I thought you loved me!"
"I do (Your mom's name),please hear me out.I'm so terribly sorry I didn't mean to!"
"Did you think about how any of this would make me feel?Or (YN)?"
"Of course I did but at the time I was just...I was stupid,please forgive me."
"Forgive you?Do you honestly think I can forgive you after what you've done?I'm heartbroken,I can't believe you would do this to (YN) and I!"
"I meant no harm to come to either of you,I'm sorry.Please just calm down."
"Don't tell me to calm down!Put yourself in my position and see how you'd feel!"
"Can't we just work this out?"
"No,just get the hell out of my house!"
"It's our house,"
"You lost the privilege of calling this your home after what you did!"
"(Your mom's name) please,"
"Get out,I want nothing to do with you!Just leave for good and don't bother trying to see (YN)!"
"You can't take my child away from me!"
"I forbid you to see her!"
"She's not just your daughter!Dammit (Your mom's name) don't do this over some stupid mistake I made!"
"(YN) deserves a better damn father than you just leave us both alone!"
"(Your mom's name),"
My mom is pointing at the door instructing my father to leave.He looks down and I can hear my mother breathing heavily.My dad finally says, "Alright...I'll leave the two of you forever.I just want you both to be happy." My mom says nothing,she just remains with her finger pointing towards the door.My dad begins to make his way towards the door.He grabs hold of the doorknob but doesn't do anything,he just looks down looking as upset as ever.He opens the door and stands for a moment then says, "Goodbye," He takes his first step out the door and then leaves closing it.
I immediately get up and rush over to the door,I look back at my mother who is sobbing hysterically on the floor with her face buried in her hands.I feel a cold tear run down my cheek at the sight of this.I immediately wipe it away then take hold of the doorknob.I open it instantly and rush out the door in hopes of finding my dad.Instead of finding my dad outside the door I end up finding myself in some strange room.I look around me and I'm nervous.Where am I? "Dad," I call but there's no response.I look around the room some more,I can't seem to find an exit any where so I guess I'm trapped.
I suddenly hear footsteps and the sound of a door opening,so there is an exit.I look to where I hear footsteps;they're coming down stairs,is this a basement?Soon enough I see a figure coming down the stairs,I look closely to see that it's my dad. "Dad," I say.I watch him make his way down and he stands in the middle of the room for a moment.His expression is blank and he looks so empty.I feel pity for him looking the way he does.I walk over to him and stand right in front of him but he can't see me.I allow a small smile to form across myself,I'm just glad that I'm able to see my dad again. "Dad I miss you."
My dad then moves over to a desk and takes a seat in a chair.He begins to tap his hand on the desk and then he shoves his face into the palms of his hands.I begin to hear soft whimpering sounds coming from him.I walk over to him and I place a hand over his shoulder,I don't feel anything so I'm sure he doesn't either.He begins to tap his hand again and then he lays his head on the desk.When he lifts his head again he sits still and places one hand under his chin making it look as if he's thinking.He then leans forward and puts his hands together placing them over his forehead.I can tell that something is bothering him but what?Maybe he's still upset about the argument with my mom.He then opens up one of the desk drawers and I see a family picture.It's us...my mom,dad,and me.We all look so happy,I see a smile on his face and this makes me smile as well.His smile quickly disappears and I begin to feel a bit concerned.He opens another drawer and in this one there is a gun along with some bullets.He takes the gun out and a single bullet;he puts the bullet in the gun and just leaves it lying on the desk for some time.Throughout all of this I find myself continuously looking back and forth from the gun to my dad.I feel a knot in my stomach made by the sight of the gun twist but I don't do anything.My dad takes the picture and looks at it again smiling,his smile soon turns to a frown and he begins to weep.My dad then takes the gun and he looks at it for a good five seconds;when he's done looking at it he holds it up and then he holds the gun towards his head.My eyes widen at the sight of this but I take no action,I'm too much in shock to do anything.My dad's final words are, "Forgive me (YN)," he then pulls the trigger and the gun goes off shooting a bullet right though his head.I jump at the sound and it's when I see my dad fall from his chair to the floor that I react.
"DAD!" I rush over to him and kneel down on the floor,I look to the side of his head and I can see the bullet wound;the sight of it disgusts me and I can see blood beginning to spread all over the floor.I feel hot tears begin to form in my eyes and I shut my eyes not wanting to allow a single tear to drop.I bite my lip to fight the whimpering but I can't hold on any longer.I then let out a soft whimper and I shut my eyes tighter but it's not enough.Tears begin to stream down my cheeks and I can't stop myself.I look down at my dad and then I look around the room;it slowly begins to close in on us.It won't be long until this darkness swallows up everything.I then see a light not too far ahead,maybe that can be my escape.I look to my dad dead and gone;I can't bear to let him go.
"Somebody help please!"
There's no point in calling for help nobody is near.I'm all alone.I shut my eyes tight for a moment and when I open them my dad's body is nowhere to be seen. "Dad?",I say.I'm still in the basement alone sitting on the floor.My dad is gone;the thought is stuck in my mind.He's been gone fore a few years now,it shouldn't bother me this much.The scene of my dad shooting himself begins to play in my head and it replays in my mind.I feel tears form in my eyes and I begin to feel my body shaking.I can't control any of this it's too much!I try so hard to fight it but I can't take it any more;all my emotions I've been bottling up this entire time have gone over their limit and are ready to burst.I let out a scream and I begin to ball my eyes out.I look around me and darkness begins to close in around me,fear takes over and I wonder what's going on.The darkness encloses me and I feel like I'm suffocating.I can't breathe.I can't think.All I can feel is the pain of the haunting memory with images of it continuously popping into my mind.
"AUUUGGHHHH!HELP PLEASE!SOMEONE HELP ME!"
I begin to feel myself being shaken and it only frightens me more.I begin to hear a faint echo but I can't quite hear it clearly.It begins to grow louder and louder,then it becomes clear to me, "Wake up (YN)!Wake up!"
I open my eyes and to my surprise I see my mother looking at me;fear and panic show in her expression.I breathe heavily and I sit up in bed.I look down unsure of what just happened.
"Are you okay sweety?"
I stay silent and continue to breathe heavily.I feel heat and sweat on my body.
"(YN) let me hel-,"
"NO!" What she was about to say triggers something in me,it reminded me of my nightmare with those angelic voices constantly offering me help.
"I just want to-,"
"I don't care I don't want it!I don't need it!"
"(YN),please calm do-,"
"Don't tell me what to do!"
"We can work this out together,everything will be alright."
"No it won't!Nothing will ever be alright!And how dare you try and tell me we can work this out!We will never be able to work this out!"
"Just let me help you."
"Help me?!How can you of all people possibly help me when you can't even help yourself?!"
My mother looks at me in shock.I breathe heavily,that screaming really took all the breath out of me.I notice pain in her eyes and I begin to see tears form in them.It is then when I realize what I've just done.I just unintentionally told off my mother.I feel like I just swallowed a giant pill...The feeling of guilt slowly begins to take over my body.
I look down and clench my hands into fists.I feel a sting in my eyes and I allow a single tear to run down.What have I done?I hurt her...I hurt her.I finally let out, "I'm sorry." then I immediately get out of bed and grab my shoes.I rush into the living room and put them on;I leave outside of the door and run off hearing my mother's shouts for me to come back.
After I finished eating breakfast I head upstairs and lie down in my bed.I kept thinking about last night;it was a lot of fun and I'm glad (YN) had a good time too.She looked really pretty last night with her dress and makeup but she's pretty everyday even if she doesn't know it.Maybe I could pay her a friendly visit,I'm sure she wouldn't mind.
I get ready and I head downstairs.I tell my mom I'm going to go visit (YN) and she teases me like always but I don't let it bother me.I walk out the door and leave making my way to (YN)'s house.On my walk,I begin to think of last night.Images of her and flashbacks of us dancing together begin to come to mind.I smile at the thoughts and I don't know what it is that begins to stir inside of me but I like it.
I make my way over to her house and soon enough I can see it not too far ahead.I jog over to it eager to see her answer the door for me.I approach her house and once I'm standing right in front of her house I knock on the door awaiting for to her answer.I hear the doorknob jiggle around then it opens,I get over excited expecting to see (YN) but instead I see her mom.
"Oh Ryan it's a surprise to see you here."
"Sorry if I'm being a bother,"
"Is (YN) here?"
"I'm afraid she's not."
"Where is she?"
She looks down upset and I begin to feel concerned.
"What's wrong?Did something happen to her?"
"She had a nightmare and started freaking out.I tried to calm her down but I couldn't."
"Freaking out?What do you mean freaking out?" I'm really concerned now.
"She started screaming and she looked scared.I guess she couldn't take it anymore and she just left."
"Left?What do you mean left?"
"She took off running somewhere.I don't know where she is,I tried calling the police but they say they won't do anything unless it's been twenty-four hours since she's been gone."
"I'll go looking for her."
"Yes,I'll bring her back I promise."
"Oh thank you so much Ryan!" She pulls me into a hug and then she lets go.I begin to leave and I hear her say, "Make sure she's okay!"
"I will.",I say then I jog off.I begin to think of all the possible places she could be.The only places I think (YN) has ever been are school,her house,and my house.She's obviously not at her house or mine and I doubt she's at school.There has to be some other place she'd want to run off to.Some place quiet where she can be alone,it's still early so a lot of places are still pretty vacant right now.Then it hits me,the park!I'm so positive that she's there,she has to be!I run faster and faster pacing my breath.While I'm running I can't help but wonder why she left?
Since I ran,I arrive at the park in no time.I look around but I don't spot her anywhere.It's a big park,she has to be here somewhere.I run around looking for her but she's still nowhere to be found.I was so sure she was here!There has to be somewhere here I haven't looked.Wait that's it,the playground!If she's not there then she must not be here.Well only one way to find out.I run over towards the playground.I get there and I look around.She's still nowhere.No this can't be.She has to be here!Where else could she be?I look around desperately trying to catch my breath after all of that running.I look all around but I don't find her.Just when I'm about ready to give up and leave I remember the swings.I head over to where the swings are and I see a figure sitting in one of the swings looking down moping.I approach them quietly and I know it's her.
I look down feeling guilty,upset,alone,and sadder than ever.I can't believe I let my nightmare take control of me like that.I've done so well for so long so why did this happen to me?I've sealed away the emotion and pain for so long,I can't go through this all over again.The pain is too much!I couldn't control it,I guess I truly am a weakling just like my mother who suffers from the haunting memory everyday.Is that what will come of me?To allow myself to be sunken into deep depression all because of my tragic past.I'd rather just not feel anything at all than be depressed;it's what I was doing before but I guess it didn't work.
I suddenly hear a sound coming from my left and I feel the presence of someone near.I look and to my surprise I see Ryan sitting in the swing beside me.He smiles softly at me and I just look at him still surprised he's here.
"What are you doing here?"
"Looking for you."
"Well you weren't home and your mom told me you were out."
"Well actually she said you ran away but I thought I could try and sugarcoat it." I smile softly at his joke then I look down still feeling upset.
"(YN) what's wrong?"
"You ran away from home and your sitting here alone on a swing moping.Don't say nothing is wrong when something clearly is."
"It doesn't matter."
"Yes it does!Yesterday you were this happy girl having fun and now your just sad and upset.Please talk to me."
"I can't Ryan..."
"Why can't you?"
"Because it hurts,you don't understand."
"I do understand but maybe talking about it will make you feel better.I'm sorry but I won't let it go this time.I want to help you."
"Why can't you just let this go."
"I can't let something that's bothering you this much go."
I don't say anything I just look down not wanting to talk.I then feel him place his hand on my chin;he gently lifts my head forcing me to look at him.
"Please talk to me..."
"I don't think I can..."
"Just let me in,"
"I don't know how..."
"Talk to me,I promise you I will listen.And if you begin to hurt inside,I'll be here to comfort you."
He smiles softly at me and hands me his pinky saying, "I promise." I take it and I smile softly at him.
It grows silent for a moment.I close my eyes and I take a deep breath;when I exhale I open my eyes and look down.
"When I was growing up,my family was really close.It was just my dad,my mom,and I;we were all really happy."
I pause for a moment.
"Growing up,my parents seemed really in love with each other.I know that's kind of a cliche but my parents always seemed like the perfect couple."
It grows quiet again,I'm not sure if I'll be able to talk about the painful part.I take another deep breath and close my eyes. "Of course happiness can't last forever."
I take another moment to pause gaining the strength to continue.
"When I was in middle school my parents started growing a little distant.I didn't let it bother me because I just figured they'd be back to their usual selves in no time.Like any other teenager I was wrong...My dad would come home late and always get unexpected phone calls.My mom and I never thought much of it at the time.Eventually my mom caught on and she found out that my dad had been having an affair."
"How long was the affair?"
I sigh and say, "Three months,"
It grows silent.
"Anyways my mom decided to confront my dad about the whole thing and at first he denied everything but eventually caved in and admitted he had been cheating.They were arguing in the living room while I was ease dropping in the hallway.I knew exactly what was going on,I wasn't a kid but at the same time I couldn't believe it."
"I'm sorry to hear you had to go through that."
I chuckle softly and say, "That's not even the worst part."
It's quiet again and I try to fight the pain of the memory.
"After my mom told my dad to leave he said he said he'd leave for good.Of course I thought that just meant he wouldn't see us anymore...My dad lived home alone for a while and I guess he felt really guilty about what he did."
I stop and I feel the sting in my eyes return.
I bite my bottom lip not wanting to let out a whimper.
"One day,my mom and I were watching the news.A bunch of different news stories came on,then we heard on the news that a man committed suicide in the basement of his home.He was found lying dead on on the floor with a pond of blood surrounding his body..."
I pause again and I begin to tremble.I bite my bottom lip even harder fighting the whimper so eager to escape from my mouth.
"It was my dad...He shot himself."
"(YN)," I can hear the pity in his voice.
"They said the bullet was shot to his head and the only things found at the scene were bullets,the gun,and family picture of us...They returned the picture to my mom and me but we really didn't want it.It was just a reminder of the happy family we could never be again."
"(YN) I'm sorry,I didn't know."
"Of course you didn't...nobody knows.That's how I prefer it,I don't want people's pity.After the incident there was too much attention on both my mom and me so she thought it'd be best if we moved.When we did we it was like a fresh start for the both of us.I decided to be alone;I thought it was for the best so at school I didn't talk to anybody and I kept to myself.It helped in healing the still fresh wounds of the haunting memory but somehow I would always feel..."
"Yeah,eventually I just got used to being alone and I didn't mind it so much.As long as I didn't have to deal with the memory of my dad I was okay with it...but now it hurts all over again."
I let out a long awaited whimper and I feel tears begin to stream down my cheeks.I'm so weak crying out in public like this,and in front of Ryan too.He probably thinks I'm some loser with a lame life crying out for attention and this is not the image I want for myself.I try to control my emotions but I can't,everything I've been holding back for the past few years is bursting out and it's too much to contain.
"I-I-I'm s-s-sorry Ryan.I-I-I d-d-didn't mean to..."
I continue to cry and no matter how badly I wish to stop,I can't.I then feel him put his arm around me,I look up to him with tears still streaming down my cheeks.He is smiling down at me.
"What are you sorry for?You don't have to be sorry,you went through something so painful so you're just expressing your emotion.I know it hurts now but when all this emotion is released you'll feel a lot better.Trust me."
"But it hurts Ryan!"
"You've been bottling it up for so long that all your emotions you've been holding back are bursting out right now.It's okay,just let it out."
"But I'll cry and crying is weak!I can't c-cry.I can't!"
He then lifts my head by my chin and makes me look directly at him.
"It's okay to cry." He then places a finger on my cheek and I can feel him gently wipe a tear away.He pulls me close to him and holds me in his arms.He then says, "Everything's okay now,I'll comfort you."
Time passes and the entire time Ryan holds me as I weep into his chest.I have to admit even though I'm crying and releasing all of this pain that has been bottled up in me,I enjoy this.Ryan holding me in his arms while my face is buried in his chest,it's all so nice.I feel safe,like he's protecting me.Eventually I'm all cried out and my eyes feel dry,they probably don't have any more tears they can shed.My nose feels a little runny and I'm pretty sure I look awful.I remove my face from Ryan's chest and as I pull away I notice a giant tear stain on his shirt.He looks to his shirt and sees it as well.
"I'm sorry,I kind of ruined your shirt."
"It's okay don't worry about it.As long as you're okay,that's all that matters." He smiles at me sweetly and I smile lightly back.
"I probably look terrible huh?"
"No,you're just as beautiful as you are any other day."
"You...you think I'm beautiful?"
"That I already knew."
"I also think your funny,sweet,and nice."
"Oh,that I didn't know.Anything else?Haha." I say the last part as a joke.
"You're really an amazing girl (YN)."
I'm caught off guard by what he said;I then look to his eyes and I stare at them for a moment.I look down to his lips and they begin to tempt me.I suddenly begin to feel an urge build up inside of me but I can't seem to find the courage to do anything about it,at least not looking at him.I look back to his eyes then down to his lips again.I close my eyes and impulsively lean forward to kiss him.Our lips meet and I plant a sweet gentle kiss on his lips,I slowly pull back and open my eyes to see his lips right before my eyes.I suddenly realize what has just happened.I kissed Ryan.I just kissed Ryan.Oh no what's he going to say?What's he going to do?I look down embarrassed and say, "I should go."