As I awoke the next morning I had such an uneasy feeling.I figured it might have been the leftovers I ate last night but something told me it wasn't.I tried to find every little excuse to be absolutely certain it had nothing to do with Ryan.I didn't want to think or worry about that right now.All that mattered was that it was Wednesday and I had school.I went to my mother's room to check on her.She was fast asleep.Must have worked late.I crept up to her bed slowly and quietly.I leaned down and gave her a soft kiss on the cheek.I smiled at her and left the room closing her door quietly.I got ready and then I ate some cereal.I quickly grabbed my backpack and headed to school.
Throughout the day I was dreading to go to my 6th period.During passing period for 2nd I heard someone calling my name.I looked and saw Ryan calling out to me waving at me.I quickly turned away hoping he didn't notice I saw him.I went to class and took my seat.In 4th period I sat at my desk.I stared at Ryan's desk.I began to feel more uneasy.Just then someone slapped their hands onto my desk.I jerked up and saw Ryan.I gave no reaction to seeing him. "Hey miss me?" No actually I really wish you weren't here.He noticed I was willing to give no reply.Then he studied my face. "Is something wro-," He got interrupted by the bell.Then the teacher told the class to take their seats.Ryan went back to his seat.During the entire period I could feel someone's eyes completely focused on me,I knew it was Ryan and I didn't care.I just did what I had to do and ignored the feeling.
Once the bell rang I packed up and burst out the door as if there was a fire and I was rushing for my life.I went to my tree and did some homework I had been assigned.I felt at ease and relaxed.I had no worries.I completely ignored the fact that I only had two more periods to go until I had to deal with Ryan again.When lunch ended I went to class and the unease came back.Once the bell rang for 6th period I felt like I had swallowed a giant pill and I couldn't digest it down.I walked into class and I thought to myself,You can pull through this.Just don't be rude.If he keeps bothering you make small talk.As little as you can.I took my seat and I looked down at my desk.I heard Mrs.Jacobs having a conversation, "Well you're here on time."
"I promised,haha." I knew it was Ryan I just didn't bother looking up otherwise it'd look like I was glad he was here.I just continued looking down and ignored him taking his seat right next to mine.I felt his eyes on me again but I shook the feeling.
Eventually I noticed the feeling of his eyes focused on mine went away.Either I got so used to it or he had completely stopped.Whatever the reason I was glad I didn't feel at unease anymore.When class ended I began to pack my things.I dropped a few of my pens and I looked down at them.I was ready to pick them up when I saw two hands reach down for them.I looked up and my eyes met Ryan's.I just froze,fearing he was going to confront me about why I had been ignoring me but I was wrong.Instead he simply said, "I think you dropped these." I held out my hand and he gave me my pens.
He got all packed up and ready to go,then he was about to leave when I suddenly said, "Thanks," He paused for a moment then looked back at me.He gave me a half of a smile then he left.I put my pens away and left class.I was leaving the school's campus when I noticed Ryan getting into his car.I bit the inside of my cheek hoping he didn't notice me,not wanting him to offer me a ride.Once the car drove off I felt a great relief and I began to walk home.I felt extremely glad I handled myself well today.I had the smallest interaction with Ryan today.
As I got home thoughts began racing through my mind.Ryan never really tried talking to me at all today.Only in 4th period but I ignored him.And when I dropped my pens,I'm sure he was only being polite.I don't think he would've spoken to me if it hadn't been for that.Maybe he came to realize I wanted nothing to do with him in my life or maybe he came to the conclusion I truly was a snob but I didn't want that impression given to him.Maybe I could try being friendly with him,but he may mistake my being friendly as a way of me wanting him to be my friend.I'm sure he might understand if I explained to him.But what if he thinks I'm just giving him lies and he doesn't understand.The only way he could truly understand is if I told him what I've been through.My unwanted memory of that day.Telling him would make him and other people see why I am the way I am.Alone,quiet,shy,careless,with no emotion.I may as well be a mime.I wish I could explain to Ryan,I mean he is a nice person and I don't dislike him in anyway but I just can't tell him.I won't open myself to that memory again.I must conserve it within myself.I won't feel or express any emotion.I have to be strong,I can't be weak like my mother who lets her memories of that day eat her alive not allowing her sleep or a normal life.Being unsocial may not be normal but if its what helps me that's what I must do.I can't let myself be open just because one person decided they wanted to have some kind of interaction with me.I won't allow myself!That's just the way it has to be.I tried my best to avoid the thought for the remainder of the day.Eventually I stopped thinking about it.At night I went to my bedroom and fell asleep.
I was in an empty world.Secluded with open space.I wandered around looking for any sign of life or humanity.I squinted my eyes,it was extremely dark.I didn't know where I was but I just kept walking,it seemed as though I had been walking in circles.Nothing had changed.Suddenly I saw a glow.I squinted and looked closer.A light maybe?I walked over to it.As I stepped closer and closer the light grew stronger as did my curiosity.I was only a few feet away.I didn't dare take another step further unsure if I should.I took one step forward and the light beamed.I fell back.I stared at the light but I had to know what it was.I slowly got up and crept up to the light.I stared at it and it was somehow drawing me closer.I began to see the light grow bigger,brighter,and stronger!My eyes dazzled.I had stopped approaching it but the light was coming closer.Was it coming towards me?I wasn't sure I just stared.As it was only a few feet away from my face,I took a step back.The light then stopped.Maybe it sensed I was afraid.Everything was still for a moment but the light remained glowing bobbing gently up and down.I stepped forward again and the light came a bit closer as well.It was about an arms distance away just tempting me with its miraculous glow.I tilted my head examining it.I circled it only in examination.I took a deep breath.I slowly began to reach forward.The light remained bobbing in place.I paused at one point but continued reaching.As I was reaching the light's glow grew even brighter than before.I had to take a step back and cover my face.I began to hear soft angelic voices.They whispered, "Open yourself to me." "I want to help you." "(YN),don't be afraid.I want to help." I was in complete shock.I felt the pit of my stomach twist in knots.I reached slowly again but the glowing drew me back.I flung my arm back.The light began to fade. "I only want to help.Please let me help." I stepped closer to the light. "Are you ready to be open?",it said. No, I won't open myself especially to some random light. "Please let me help.You only have to open yourself.Say you'll open yourself."
"N-n-," was all that I could seem to mutter.
"Open yourself (YN),you must."
"Please.I only want to help you."
"I don't want any help.I don't need it."
"I don't know you you!I don't know what you are!Leave me alone!"
"Let me help you!" The voices began to shout at me.I was so scared.I shook my head.The light began to approach me.I stepped back and I fell back.I began to crawl backwards.
"I'm scared leave me alone!"
"You need me (YN)."
"I don't need anybody!I'm fine on my own!"
"You're wrong.You need more than you know." I continued to crawl back and the light continued to approach me.I felt myself stop.I was against a wall.I had no way to escape.I shut my eyes tightly and held myself into a ball.The voices then went away.I looked up.I was alone again.It was dark and abandoned.I tried to expand my arms but I was cramped into what seemed like a box.I banged all around.I was trapped.I began to call for help.Then the voices came back. "I wanted to help you but you didn't want it." "You said you were better off alone,and alone you shall be." "Lonely isn't it?Trapped alone in the dark.But that is your world, as you desire it."
I began to bang. "Please!Let me out of here!Let me out!" I screamed and banged!Hot tears streamed down my face.I was alone and trapped.My shouting didn't help neither did my banging but I continued to do so anyways. "Let me out!Let me out!Please!I want to get out!"
I opened my eyes wide awake.I felt my body full of heat.I felt a nasty pit in my stomach.I sat up.I looked around me.Everything was dark I could feel my heart pounding inside my chest.My eyes began to adjust to the dark.I saw dark figures and shapes around me.I was in my room.I reached for the light and switched it on.It was all a dream.Just a dream.I couldn't believe it,it felt so real.I realized my entire body was covered with sweat.I looked at the clock.It was 5:47 AM.I decided to just get up and ready now.By the time I finished it was around six.I made some microwave oatmeal and ate it.I went to go check on my mom.She was fast asleep.I gave a half a smile and then I left.At school I was myself.Boring,quiet,studious.I managed to get through the entire day the way I used to.In sixth period I took my seat.Ryan walked in later but I ignored him completely.Seemed like he was doing the same.He never once tried talking to me.I went home after school and did my homework.A day just the way it used to be.A day of no socializing or conversing with anybody for any reason.
On Friday it was just that.No talking.No worries.No weird dreams.My weekend was pretty calm.I stayed home and did some homework.I watched some TV and that's about it.That was my typical weekend.On Monday I headed to school.The day went pretty normal until after school.I left the class and headed outside of the school.I began to walk then I heard my name. "(YN)!" I looked back,not surprised to see it was Ryan calling my name.I stopped allowing him to catch up with me.We both looked at each other with blank expressions. "Listen ummm can we uh...talk?"