I bit the inside of my cheek.I wasn't sure how to respond so I just nodded. "Okay well for starters I just wanted to ask if your alright,are you okay?"
"Umm yeah...I'm fine." He looked at me unconvinced.
"Okay can we talk in private?"
"Don't you have your mom waiting for you?"
"I'll tell her I have stuff to take care of."
"Well where do you suppose we talk because the campus is just filled with students."
"I don't know."
"You certainly planned this out well."
"Look I'm sorry okay I just...I want to know what happened?"
"What do you mean what happened?"
"Seriously?You're going to say that?" I show no reaction,I just cross my arms over my chest. "Okay your friendly,smiling,and talking to me one day.Then the next day you decide to just avoid me?"
"I wasn't avoiding you." Okay I lied but still, who admits anything these days.
"Okay so then what were you doing if you weren't avoiding me?" I remained silent and just looked at his face.His expression was a mix of confusion,concern,and nervousness. "Look I wanted to talk about this in private because I wasn't sure if this was something personal, but if it was I wanted to make sure I respected it.So are you going to talk or not?" I looked around looking for Michelle's car.I spotted it and she was looking at us from the window.
"You're mom is waiting for you don't want to hold her up any longer."
"You are not avoiding this (YN),please we have to talk."
"What if I don't want to talk."
"Maybe talking will make you feel better." I highly doubt it.
"Look your mom is waiting I don't want to make you two delay anything."
"Then she could take us somewhere, I'll explain to her.Just let me give you a ride home then we could talk about it there."
"I don't want a ride."
"(YN) you're being really stubborn.I'm trying to be a good friend and help you out here." There's that mention of that word again, "Friend".
"Ryan please just go.I'm done talking about this."
"Well I'm not.Lets just go somewhere private okay?"
"Ryan I don't want a ride,with this kind of tension I really don't feel like being in a car with you and your mom okay.I'll feel really uncomfortable.Especially since your giving me a ride, it just won't feel right."
"You don't want a ride...fine then." He looked around and put his hands in his pocket. "Wait here,please.Promise me you'll wait here." I looked at his face, an expression of desperation on his face made me want to promise him and not leave.
"Okay,I'll wait." He ran over to his mom's car.I saw them talking then it looked like they were saying goodbye.
Ryan ran back over and his mom drove off. "Ready to walk?" I looked at him confused. "I'm walking you home."
"What about you?"
"I can just call my mom later to pick me up at your house."
"Yup so you want to walk and talk or just walk in complete silence then talk at your house?Not trying to sound rude but I'm just asking which you're more comfortable with." How about you just go home and leave me alone.
"Umm can we talk about this at home,"
"No problem," He gave me a smile.We began to walk and it was really quiet and awkward.I didn't want to say anything and I wasn't sure if he did. "So this is nice weather huh?"
"Kind of cold,"
"Oh here let me," He them removed his sweater and wrapped it around me.I looked up at him uncertain of why he did what he did.
"Aren't you gonna get cold?"
"I'm fine,I'm more concerned about you.Besides I got some muscle I can flex and I think that helps you stay warm?Haha not too sure." I looked at him and smiled.He noticed and smiled back.His sweater really did help.I felt warmer.
For the rest of the walk it was dead silence.Once we got to my house I walked up to my door and took out my keys. "Umm do you want to talk about this outside?"
"Inside is warmer?And more private.."
"Well it's your house I mean I don't know which you're more comfortable with.Just asking."
"Umm I'm fine inside." I opened the door and we both walked in.I handed him his jacket back and he shoved it back, "I'll take it back when I leave." I hung his jacket on the coat rack and then I took a seat on the sofa. "Are you going to offer me water?Or allow me to sit?"
"Oh I'm sorry,uhh I'm not used to having company over."
"Oh well,if it helps you usually offer your company something to drink and ask if they're comfortable.Haha."
"Well you certainly know a lot about this."
"Where I used to live my mom had company over all the time she would tell me to behave and basically make me the butler for the night." I give into a weak laugh.He looked at me and smiled.I looked down.
"So uhhh do you want something to drink?"
"Hah,you're cute.No thanks I'm fine." He smiled at me again. "Hey your blushing."
"I am not!"
"Such defiance in your reaction.Haha your blushing.You're cute."
"I'm only blushing because you keep calling me cute."
"So you admit you were blushing?"
"Hahahaha!(YN) your just so sweet and innocent I can't help it.You're too cute."
"You're bright red.Ahah."
"Okay I'll stop." He does.It grew quiet and we both sat there.I began to rub my hands. "So umm (YN),I uhhh wanted to talk to you." I bit the inside of my cheek again not wanting to continue. "Look you should know I'm really confused here."
"Look when I met you we were smiling and being friendly.I liked it.Then the next day you just avoided me.I was unsure of what to do so I just let you be.I thought maybe something had happened to you or some personal issues.I even thought maybe I might've done or said something that made you feel uncomfortable so I settled down and gave you your space.Now were here talking,smiling,and I think were having a good time.So now...I'm really confused." I looked into his eyes then broke lock of his eyes looking down. "I really just want to know what's going through your mind right now."
"I'm not very good at expressing."
"Please (YN),at least let me know if I offended you or something.I don't want to go on like this its just too confusing."
"I understand that you're confused...and I'm sorry but I really don't want to talk about this."
"You see that's what I mean,you're sweet and friendly then the next thing you snap into someone completely different."
"How would you know?"
"Because your not being the you I know. "
"You don't know me!"
"Yes I do!"
"No you don't!You barely met me!You couldn't possibly know a thing about me!"
"Well I can't unless you let me help you!I'm here for you (YN).I know we only met a few days ago but I really like your company.You're a nice person and you seem really friendly.Plus your adorably shy and I just think you would make a good friend.And if you you like me,then I think you wouldn't be disappointed in having a friend like me." That word again..."Friend".Since when did I ever want a friend?How did I get myself involved in this mess.
"Ryan look...the only reason I was friendly to you was because you were new.And you were friendly to me so I didn't want to be rude.Look I'm sorry if you took it as if I wanted to be friends but I can't."
"What do you mean you can't?"
"I can't be your friend okay,I can't."
"Because what?" I won't tell him.I can't.I don't want to.I just want him out of my house now.
I stayed silent and he tried to get me to talk, "(YN) please stop avoiding this!Just let me know if I did something wrong to make you mad at me or just tell me whats bothering you.Please,I promise I'll be right here for you." I looked at him he looked so sincere...serious and so vulnerable.
"Ryan if I tell you,you'll just think I'm making up things and you'll hate me."
"I would never hate you...besides you can't hate someone you barely met right?"
"Well you can't be friends so suddenly either!"
"That's why I want to get to know you better but your being very subjective about this.What's wrong with getting to know each other a little better.I like you...I think you like me?" I show the smallest hint of a smile,but he notices. "See I make you smile and you make me smile.That's what friends do.Tell each other things.Laugh,cry,have fun."
"Well we're not exactly friends now are we."
"Why do you have to do that?I try to talk to you and then you respond with an attitude."
"I don't mean to.It's just..."
"Just what?Are you going to tell me because it honestly seems like your avoiding this and I am not ignoring this.I'm just going to keep on urging you until you say something."
"Look I'm just not a people person okay!"
"You seem pretty friendly to me."
"I told you I was only trying to be polite now you want to be friends and its too much!"
"Well I'm sorry for being a transfer student to a new school trying to make some friends."
"Just leave this alone please."
"No!Not until you tell me what your problem is.I already told you I'd help you.Just let me help you.I can't help you if you don't help yourself first." I just stayed quiet and folded my arms. "Did I do something to get you upset?"
"No it's not you."
"Then what is it?"
"It's just....it's me."
"That's a breakup line(YN).We're not a couple.I'm just trying to be a friend."
"Well maybe I don't want a friend okay!I am better off alone!"
"Just tell me what's wrong!" I was so frustrated and angry by this point he truly wouldn't just let this go.
"I told you I'm not a people person!"
"Then why are you avoiding me?You seemed friendly with me.If you don't want to be anybody else's friend then at least try to be mine.You seem okay with me.Just open yourself to me."
"That's the problem!I can't!"
"What do you mean you can't?"
"I just can't"
"Either you can't or you won't."
"Well then it's both!"
"Why can't you?"
"It's just too hard." "How?Why won't you?" "Because...I don't want to."
I then begin to feel a huge pain in my chest growing bigger and bigger by the second.The memory begins to replay in my mind.I feel my eyes sting.I shut them tightly and I fall to the floor. "(YN)!Are you okay?" He kneels down by my side and wraps his arm around me. "(YN)?" I shove my face into my hands and I begin to weep.No I can't be weak!No emotion!Don't let him see.Please just stop crying!Be strong.Fight it!I have to fight it!I am battling myself in my mind and the replay set in my mind doesn't stop no matter how many times I try to force it to end.Why now?This hasn't happened in years!Please just make it stop!I don't want to feel the pain and agony.Why now?Why here?Why did this have to happen?I then come to the conclusion that it was all Ryan's fault.It's his fault if he hadn't talked to me.If he hadn't been so friendly.If he hadn't tried so hard to try and fix things when he only made everything so much worse.I was filled with so much pain and anger. "(YN) are you okay?"
"Can I do anything to help?"
"You've done enough...please just go."
"But I want to hel-,"
"Does it look like your helping me?!" I turn my face towards him.I'm certain I am a mess but I don't care!
"I'm sorry I didn't know."
"Yeah you definitely didn't."
"Just let me help you.I'll be right here."
"No...I don't need anyone.I just want to be alone."
"Sometimes it's better to vent your feelings.Especially with a frie-,"
"Don't say that!We're not friends!We never were!Never are going to be!So just forget it!"
He then gets up and I hear his footsteps. "I'm sor-,"
"JUST GET THE HELL OUT!" I looked up pointing my finger towards the door.He looked at me and I saw pain in his eyes.It looked like he wanted to say bye but he didn't bother.I begin to cry into my hands.I hear footsteps and then the door closes.
I am weak.I truly am my mother.I can't fight this.It's been built up for too long and now it just exploded out.It's all Ryan's fault.I would've been fine if he hadn't come into the picture.I eventually stop crying but my eyes still sting.I look in the mirror and I look a mess.My eyes are puffy and red as well as my nose.My face looks tired and worn out.I look beat down.I wash my face and brush my teeth.Its really early but I had no energy to do anything else but lie down.I get into bed and lie down.I eventually fall asleep.
"Auuuggghhhhhh!" I awake from my sleep to the sound of my mother's scream.Her nightmares again.Its only 3 in the morning.I walk to her room and find her sitting up in bed awake.
"Oh (YN), it was just a bad dream.Go back to bed I'll be fine." She reassures me with a smile and I head back to my bedroom.I lie down and hear my mother's scream replay in my head.I cover my head with my pillow thinking it'll help but of course it's no use.I force my eyes shut and try to fall back asleep.It helps but I awaken from a nightmare.The same dream I had a few nights ago with the light.Only instead of angelic voices I heard sad voices.As if they were saddened by the fact that I would never open myself.I find it strange that I awaken at the exact time I did before.I ignore the thought and get ready.I eat breakfast and then head for school.
School is same old same old.In 4th period I get nervous.I look at the door expecting Ryan to walk in any moment.I remained staring at the doorway and eventually he does show up.I quickly look away.I look at him again, he walks to his desk and takes a seat.I wonder if he hates me now.He probably does.I then notice people taking their seats near Ryan and they greet him.Figured they'd become friends anyways.Well now he has the friends he so desperately wanted.
In 6th period I am surprised when I see Ryan at his desk.I'm usually here first.I look at him and he notices then I immediately break eye contact.I take my seat and look down.I feel extremely uncomfortable.I wonder how he felt.Doesn't matter,I have to remain focused and not on school,I need to maintain myself to not show any sign of emotion.When class ended I pack up.I drop my pens.I roll my eyes and kneel down to get them.As I reach for them my hand touches another.I look up and my eyes meet Ryan's.We look at each other for a couple of seconds then he looks down and I do the same.He grabs my pens and we both get up.He hands them to me without a word.I want to say thank you but I'm in no position to talk to him,and I'm sure he feels the same.I grab the pens and put them away.I watch him leave the class and my stomach begins to feel uneasy.
I walk home and feel my mind racing again.I fight it off for the time being.The day passed by.I begin to go through some old family photos.I see some of me and my cousins.Some with my aunts and uncles and even small family gatherings.I smile at them and then I come across a photo of my parents and me.I see my mom on the right,my dad on the left and me in the middle.I must've been 5 or 6 when this was taken.I look at it for a moment and then I feel the sting in my eyes.I gently close them and feel myself about to whimper.I start to cry and I scream throwing the photo to the ground.