As I walked out of the school I felt my eyes burn.The sting was too much.I couldn't fight it.(YN) had let Derek kiss her and she even kissed him back!I couldn't believe this,even Derek didn't say anything about this.Did they want to keep things a secret?Maybe they're secretly dating and didn't want anybody to know.Well it wasn't very smart of them to make out during lunch in public if they're trying to keep things on the down low.How could (YN) not tell me?She even continued on with Derek after I told her how I felt about the two of them.I just wish she could've been more considerate.I hate this feeling and it's all her fault.
I spot my mom's car not far ahead and go up to it.I opened the door and got in.I took my seat and put on my seat belt. "How was school?" I don't answer instead I look to her allowing her to see the puffiness around my eyes and the red that had stained them from my crying.I see her eyes widen and she gasps. "Sweety are you okay?"
"I'm fine mom just take us home." She looks at me for a bit longer then turns her attention to the road.Once she starts the car,I feel relieved.
The drive home is quiet,my mom doesn't even bother letting out a single word.I just look out the window the entire time not really paying attention to anything.When we get home I unbuckle my seat belt and get out of the car.I open the door taking my backpack with me.Leaving the door open,I head upstairs and toss my backpack into my room.I go to the bathroom and lock it.I looked into the mirror and couldn't believe what was I seeing.I felt like I was looking into my past.The tears,the puffiness,the red,but more importantly...the pain.I must've gave my mom a mini heart attack because seeing this is definitely something you don't want to see.I looked terrible and I felt like crap.I only wish (YN) could see me like this that way she could see what she did to me.Such an awful thought but I don't care.
I turned on the sink allowing the cold water to run.I poured some into my hands and splashed it onto my face.I did this a couple more times then I dried my face with a towel.I looked into the mirror again checking if I looked better than before.Not great but an improvement.I shoved my hands into my face out of exhaustion and gently began to rub my face.I was interrupted by a knocking. "Ryan,are you in there?"
"Yeah mom I'll be right out." I splashed my face one more time quickly drying it after and then unlocked the door.I slowly opened the door expecting my mom to be standing right there but instead there was nothing.I stepped out looking around and then turned off the lights.I went into my room and hopped onto my bed.I buried my face into my pillow and just lay down for a moment.Once the moment was gone I got up and grabbed my backpack.I started on some homework,it helped as a good distraction from what was stirring up inside of me.
After a couple of hours I finished my homework and put everything away.I just laid down again this time resting on my back with my hands below my head.It wasn't long until I heard my mom calling for me.I got up and head downstairs.I saw her standing with a weak smile on her face. "Dinner is ready.Are you going to eat?" I nod and head into the kitchen for plates and utensils.I reach for the plates when my mom stops me. "It's alright you can go sit.I'll get everything set." I look at her and ask if she's sure and she just says yes so I go to the table and take my seat.I wait for her to set the table,when she finishes she takes her seat and we both begin to eat.It's pretty silent at dinner but my mom as usual is the first to speak. "How do you like your pasta?"
It grew silent again but my mom spoke out again only this time with something more serious. "Are you feeling okay Ryan?"
"I'm fine mom honest."
"The truth Ryan.Please."
"I am your mother god dammit now tell me the truth!"
"There's nothing to tell!"
"Ryan I mean it!Now tell me what's wrong.You agreed you'd tell me what's going on in your life so I am begging as a concerned mother.Please just talk to me." I can tell by the desperation in her voice she is referring to that time.She's worried things will go back to how they were before.I don't want her to worry.I reach for her hand and grab it.I smile to her reassuring her that I'm okay. "You looked so upset earlier...I was scared for you."
"I'm fine,I promise you nothing like that is bothering me."
"Then what is?I am your mother I have the right to know when your down and what's bothering you."
"Mom I don't want to talk about it I'm sorry."
"Ryan I am your mother."
"And I am your son who loves you very much but doesn't feel like wasting anymore tears.I'll sort it out on my own.I'm fine,honest." She looks to me and I smile.I get up out of my seat and go over to her giving her a hug. "Thank you for your concern but I'm okay.I promise.I love you mom!"
"I love you too Ryan now go finish your dinner." I go back to my chair and finish eating the rest of my dinner.
At night I get ready for bed and then lay on my bed.I begin to think of (YN) and Derek.The thought annoys me and I get a feeling of hatred towards them but I'm almost 99.9% sure I don't.I shut my eyes tightly and (YN)'s face suddenly comes to my mind.Her smile,hey eyes,the sweet innocent way she blushes.I suddenly hear her laughter echoing inside my head.The thought brings a smile to my face but I quickly shake it off realizing I need to stop.Thinking about her and Derek isn't healthy for me and imagining her in my mind isn't either.I sit up in bed look around my room.I begin to remember the day she was over my house and we were in the room talking.I was pretty open with her,I mean I didn't give her to much insight into my life but I did tell her a fair amount of information about myself.I even opened up about my dad which I really don't enjoy doing.It's funny...I'm open with (YN) but she was never open with me;she never even told me about her and Derek.Oh no I'm thinking about her and Derek again!Stop it!I gently close my eyes and force the thought out of my mind.As I open my eyes I have no thought's left in my mind.I hop back onto my bed and allow the mattress to shake a little.I hear something drop to the floor and I get up to see what it was.It was the picture of my dad.I stare at it then slowly reach for it.I pick it up and sit on my bed staring at it some more.I begin to think of my childhood and my dad.I begin to imagine the day he left replaying in my mind.I begin to think of my mom and how unhappy she was being with him.I feel my eyes begin to tingle softly and I feel the tears beginning to form;I allow a single tear to run down my cheek later followed by streams flowing upon my face.
The guilt I felt was overwhelming.It was as if a tiny bug crawled inside of me planting eggs withing my entire body and as the eggs would slowly hatch the feeling grew stronger and stronger.I couldn't help but feeling awful about what I had done to Ryan.He must've felt betrayed judging by the look in his eyes.He never looked so upset,he was always smiling,friendly,and happy.He was just Ryan a funny,sweet,silly and friendly guy who always seemed to be smiling.I just couldn't believe I had been the one to take that smile away.I tried talking to him but I don't think he wanted to hear anymore about my incident with Derek.Well if he hates me then let him hate me.I guess this is easier for me,no one will be accusing me of dating somebody and I'll go back to being the loner girl spending lunch by my tree with no one but myself.
Wandering around my house I kept feeling that maybe leaving Ryan alone is for the best.He clearly doesn't want to talk to me or have anything to do with me and I'm tired of trying to explain when he doesn't want to hear another word.I prefer being alone anyways,things will go back to the way they were and everything will be fine.I can only hope that there won't be another unexpected dinner with Ryan and his mom,that would be extremely uncomfortable and awkward.
I head to my room and do my homework.I have nothing to do for the mean time so I just walk around my house exploring things I was already aware of.I realized I didn't go into my mom's room.I stare at the door and it looks as if it was getting bigger.I suddenly begin to hear my mother's screams echoing inside of my mind bringing an uneasy feeling stirring inside of me.I shook my head wanting my thoughts to be gone leaving my mind empty.I slowly approach my mother's door and stand a few feet away from it.I take a few more steps until I am a fair arms distance away.I look to the knob and slowly begin to reach for it.I gently turn it and open the door slightly.I take a deep breath and open it widely.I stand outside my mother's doorway observing her room from a distance.I take a step inside then enter.I walk around the room noticing a few things I never had before.There were pictures of me and her in her room and a lamp by her bed.I walked over to her bed and saw some sort of stain on her pillow.I looked closely and figured it was probably built up sweat stains from her nightmares.
I look around some more and go to her closet;I open it up and start going through her clothes.I find it quite odd to find appealing clothing in my very own mother's closet.She tends to dress quite blandly.The nicest she's ever dressed is the night Ryan and his mom came over for dinner.I come to find the exact dress worn that night stunning as ever.She looked incredibly gorgeous with her hair and makeup.I look at the dress some more and pull it out of the closet.I study it's design and style then place it on top of my body wondering how it would look like on me.I bite the inside of my cheek and begin to imagine myself in the dress.I wonder how it would look?Trying it on seems like such an immature and silly idea but I go ahead and do so anyways.It fits a bit loose in some areas obviously since the dress was my mother's with a more grown and developed body than mine.I look down to my feet and hold the dress from the sides.I only wish I could see myself.
Still wearing the dress,I begin to look more in my mother's closet.I notice some random light in the closet and at first I think its me but I continue to see it.It's coming from the very back of the closet.I reach and feel something.I pull it out to find that it's a mirror,a full body mirror.I place it against the wall and stand in front of it.I wonder where this came from?I don't recall my mother ever having a full body mirror.I stand in front of the mirror and look at myself in it.I start to do terrible mini poses and I begin to laugh at myself because of how ridiculous I look.I start making strange faces and that only makes me laugh even more.I felt like such a child,so carefree and joyful.I suddenly began to realize I have never really laughed...at least not by myself.Ryan was usually the one to make laugh...he was actually the first person to make me laugh since back then.Thinking about Ryan makes me feel guilty so I quickly shake the thought and go back to my mini model show.I begin to twirl around and sway.This was pretty fun,being carefree and goofing off in my mother's dress.I decide it was time to put it away and for the fun to end.I took off the dress then dressed back into my clothes I was wearing before.I put the dress back on the hanger then put it away in the closet where I had found it before.I was about to leave the room when I realized the mirror.I had to put it back or my my mother would know I was in her room,I don't think she'd really care but I had to put it away anyways.I can't just leave it out for my mother to put it away.I was the one who got it out so I'm going to be the one to put it away.I tightly hold on to the mirror and carefully put it away.As I placed the mirror down I carefully made sure to fix everything so that it wasn't messy and disorganized,by doing so I must've hit or shaken something because something came crashing down to the floor.
I panicked and squatted down to the floor.It was just a box.I opened the box to make sure I didn't break anything.Luckily nothing was broken but the box was messy.I figured the tumble had disorganized everything so I might as well just reorganize it back.I begin to go through the box taking somethings out putting them to the sides.Something seems familiar about these things but I ignore the thought and continue to dig through the box.I take out a folded piece of paper and being the curious nosy teenager that I am I open it.
Roses are Red Violets are blue
like flowers need sunlight
is why I need you.
The sky may be gray
but to me it is blue
all because I am always with you.
I will always love you.
I wonder what this was for and why it was in my mother's box but it was a sweet poem.I continue to go through the box and come across a ring.I notice it's engraved so I look closely so I can read it.It was engraved, "Forever and Always" in a fancy looking font.I observe the ring closely and then place it on my finger.I guess my mother's dress isn't the only thing I'm trying on today.I removed the ring soon after and then put it to the side.As I continued to go through the box I found a few old pictures of my mom,she actually looked happy unlike the zombie that she seems to be moping around like today.I even found some white lace like material and some dead flower petals.When I came the bottom of the box I didn't see anything else but I was wrong.I came to notice that something was facing down.I grabbed it and lifted it facing me.It was a picture frame and it had the word "Family" on it.It held a picture of my mom,dad,and I.The frame was shattered and cracked,most of the cracks fell upon my dad.There was a crackled shatter over his face barely allowing me to see his face.I gently ran my finger over the cracks.A broken family,what a perfect representation for my life.A broken family...yup that's what my life turned out to be.
I look around me and saw the things from the box scattered around me.I realized the box was basically a collection of things from my mother's and father's past.The ring was probably a present,the poem was clearly a romantic gesture for my mother made by my father,the flowers were probably a small gift to show he cared, and the white lace was probably a piece from my mother's wedding dress.I look around and see more nick knacks that were obviously things related to my father.I don't know why but I began to feel so angry.I saw a baseball on the side.It was old and dusty.I grabbed it and picked it up lifting it to my face.I remembered the ball,I had thrown and caught this ball so many times as a child.My dad's lucky baseball.He would play catch with me all the time even as I got older but I didn't mind.I rather enjoyed playing catch with him it was just something we did for some father daughter bonding.I rolled the ball around in my hand and noticed some black marks.I rotated the ball to see the marks but they were words.I read them to say, "Keep your eye on the ball so you can hit it exactly where you want in life." My dad would always tell me that while growing up saying things like, "Never lose sight of what you really want in life." He basically would give me small talk that summed up to long lectures about life and how to be the best person I can be.I admired him for that and it was motivation for me to be the best person I can be but of course all dreams come and go.Like leaves go with the wind my ambitions and goals went with the way of my life but unfortunately life is cruel and not always fair.