The rest of the week went by pretty fast and soon enough it was Friday.Ryan and I walked to school together and basically you know the rest.We spent lunch together and Ryan walked me to class after.The same old routine continued for the rest of the day.After school Ryan and I walked together and about halfway he asked me if I wanted to go to his house.I told him I'd go on the condition that he doesn't do anything in front of his mom.Last time was already embarrassing enough,especially since I was in front of my mom as well.We change our route and start walking to Ryan's house.When we get there,Michelle greets me with a big smile the second I step foot through the doorway.
"Hi hun,how are you?" She pulls me into a hug.I hug her back and tell her I'm fine.She tells me she's just cooking some dinner and invites me to stay with them for dinner.I look to Ryan and he shrugs his shoulders with a smile implying to me, "it's your call".
"Well I don't want to intrude on your family dinner..."
"Nonsense!Your practically part of the family,I mean you are Ryan's girlfriend now, and they always say the more the merrier!Besides,it is just the two of us and Ryan isn't much fun to talk to at dinner."
"Mom," Ryan says a bit annoyed.
"I'm doing you a favor here!I'm asking your girlfriend to stay over for dinner,now just be grateful!"
I know that I am,but being referred to as Ryan's girlfriend always makes me blush no matter how badly I don't want to.I just can't help it.
"I will when you stop making her feel uncomfortable."
"Oh where are my manners!I'm so sorry (YN) I was being insensitive."
"N-no,I just need to adjust to everything is all."
"Well why don't you and Ryan head upstairs.I'll leave you two alone so I can finish cooking."
"I'll call you two down when dinner's ready."
Ryan takes me by the hand and leads me upstairs to his room.I walk over to his bed and take a seat at the edge of it.I look to Ryan,who is standing at the doorway, and he is smiling at me.
"Would you like the door opened or closed?"
"Oh I don't really care..."
"You sure?I just want you to be comfortable."
I look down guilty and let out, "Opened,please."
I hear a chuckle escape from him and he says, "Thought so." He makes his way over to the bed and takes a seat beside me.We sit in silence for a bit.I look to him but he isn't facing me,instead he's facing the floor and he looks like he could be zoned out.He notices me looking at him and turns his attention to me then he smiles at me sweetly. "Is there anything you wanna do?"
I lean my head on his shoulder and let out a sigh. "I don't know,you're the expert in relationships here.You decide."
"Well I could suggest a few things."
"Alright,let's hear them."
"We could talk,watch TV,cuddle,kiss,play a game."
"Hmmm TV sounds relaxing."
"I don't know I'm kind of liking options three and four." I let out a slight chuckle and then I lean in to give him a kiss. "I'll cross that one out.That leaves TV,talking,and cuddling."
"What happened to play a game?"
"Oh,I just added something that sounded lame so you'd pick kissing."
"Haha very funny." I say sarcastically. "Well now that you got your kiss what do we do now?"
"There's still cuddling?" He says with a bit of an eager tone in his voice.
"No thanks,I don't want to spoil you too much now."
"Ah,fine then we could watch some TV."
We head back downstairs into the living room and Ryan calls out to his mom telling her that we're in the living room.We take our seats next to each other on the sofa and Ryan grabs the remote.He searches through the movie channels and scrolls through to find something to watch.Ryan's get a bit excited when he notices 21 Jump Street,it was just about to begin too.
"(YN),do you want to watch Twenty-one Jump Street?"
"Umm okay I've never seen it before."
"What?!Are you serious?"
"That's it were watching it!You need to see this movie."
He clicks the movie and the channel changes.The movie begins and I have to admit I'm a bit excited.Ryan seemed pretty eager for me to watch it so I figure it must be good.About halfway through the movie I scoot closer to Ryan and lean my head on his shoulder.I make myself comfortable and continue to watch the movie. "You know you scooting closer to me snuggled up like this is technically considered cuddling."
I look to Ryan with a smile. "I'm sure I can spoil you a bit more." He smiles at me and then plants a kiss on my cheek that has me let out a giggle.He lifts his arm and rests it over my shoulders pulling me closer to him.I have to admit I am enjoying this.I can see why Ryan wanted to cuddle earlier,it's comforting and gives off a sort of mellow sensational feeling.We stayed like this for the rest of the movie but I didn't mind at all.I was actually hoping the movie wouldn't end,but when it did,so did our cuddling.Ryan removed his hand from over my shoulders so I figured I should stop leaning on him.I lifted my head from his shoulder and scoot away from Ryan.
"So how did you like it?"
"It was nice."
Crap he means the movie! "I mean it was nice that you had me watch it.It's a good movie,pretty funny."
"What was your favorite part?"
"I kind of like it when they're all messed up from taking the drug.But I have to admit I liked seeing Johnny Depp steal the show more."
"Too bad he died!"
"I know!That sucked!It was just like bam!Gunshot!Bleeding!Death!" I feel embarrassed after I finish my sentence.I got a bit over excited while talking about that!I sounded like such a kid!Now Ryan is going to think I'm immature.I feel more self conscious when Ryan bursts out laughing.I look down and feel myself blush.
"Why are you looking down?Hahaha."
"Because your laughing!"
"Since when is laughing wrong?"
"It's not,but your laughing at me."
"Only because of what you said.Haha,come on you laugh at me all the time."
"Well I'm a girl and I'm more sensitive than you."
"Aww come on (YN) there's nothing to be embarrassed about.You gave me a good laugh,you should feel happy."
"But it's childish.You think I'm immature now!"
"No I don't.If anything,I think you're a lot cuter now." I look up to see him smiling at me.
"You just showed me that you can get overexcited by things.You think it's childish but I think it's cute.Haha,I think I'll try doing things to excite you now."
I give him a warm smile. "Well that's sweet of you."
"I have been told I am a pretty sweet guy,haha."
"Yeah...you are." He smiles and I stare at his lips.I start to lean in and it isn't long until our lips meet.I kiss him sweetly and I slowly begin to pull away but Ryan pulls me back for more and begins kissing me back.We get interrupted when Michelle shouts from the kitchen that dinner is ready.I pull back and this time Ryan allows me.We both smile at each other before we get up and head to the dining room.Ryan sets the table and Michelle serves our plates.She made chicken Alfredo and it smelled amazing.Ryan came back with drinks and set them on the table.We ate our dinner and Michelle made most of the conversation throughout it.When we finished I offered to wash the dishes.Michelle refused to let me wash the dishes but I insisted and I told her I didn't mind at all.I took everyone's plates and cups then put them in the sink.I grabbed their sponge and got some dishwasher soap.I began to wash the dishes and since it was just a few plates I finished in no time.When I placed the last dish to dry I rinsed out the sponge and turned off the faucet.I put the sponge back where I had found it earlier.Before I could turn around to head into the living room,I felt someone pressed against my back and soon enough I felt two arms wrapped around my waist.I get turned around and I am facing Ryan.He leans his forehead against mine and I notice him beginning to lean in.Before his lips can meet mine I look down.
"I can't kiss you when your mom is in the room right next door."
"Well she isn't here so..." He leans in again but I stop him by placing a single finger over his lips.
"She could walk in any second.I don't want her thinking I'm disrespecting her house."
"You were fine with it earlier."
"It was a in the moment thing!"
"Can't you try to get into the moment?Please???"
I roll my eyes. "You get a peck and that's it!"
"As long as I'm getting some lip action."
I roll my eyes again but this time it's playfully.I am about to give Ryan a peck on the lips when suddenly Michelle walks into the kitchen unannounced.This is exactly what I was talking about.She didn't exactly see anything happening so I was a bit relieved at that but she probably saw what was about to happen.It was just a peck though?Not that she would know.
"What is it mom?"
"Just wanted to tell you I'm leaving.I have to go run a few errands.Watch the house for me?"
"(YN) would you like me to take you home now?"
"No!" Michelle and I both look to an embarrassed Ryan.I give a side smile thinking that was sweet of him even if it wasn't necessarily intentional.
"So (YN),would you like to go home now?"
"Ummm,I think I'll stay a bit longer if that's fine with you."
"Of course.I'll be back.Bye you two." Michelle leaves the kitchen and soon we hear the sound of a door being opened then closed.
I look to Ryan who has a big grin on his face. "I guess I don't have to settle for a peck anymore." He immediately plants his lips on mine and kisses me with force but not too much so I could still enjoy it.A smile forms across my lips as Ryan is kissing me.He begins to slow things down bit by bit and he finishes by pulling away gently.I bite my bottom lip and Ryan leans his forehead against mine again. "Was that to your satisfaction?"
"I don't recall me being the one begging for a kiss."
He smiles and then he kisses me again this time just a peck. "Can't you just play along,I don't want it to seem like I'm the only one begging for kisses here."
"But you are."
"I can't help it you're just too irresistible." He kisses my cheek and I let out a light giggle.He turns me around so my back is against his chest.He wraps his arms around my waist again then he gnaws on my cheek gently tickling it.I giggle some more and then Ryan finally stops,he rest his head on my shoulder while his arms are still wrapped around my waist.Ryan turns me back around to face him and he just stares at me.
"What?" I say with a smile.
"Nothing,I'm just really happy that you're here."
"I am too."
"Do you want to head up to my room?"
We leave the kitchen and Ryan takes the lead as we head to his room.He plops onto his bed and lays down with one arm over his forehead.He peeks from under his arm and I can see a glimpse of his eye;he flashes me a smile.I stand in the middle of the room,Ryan notices and he scoots a bit leaving an extra space on his bed.He pats the empty space as a gesture for me to take it.I walk over to the ledge of the bed and take a seat while Ryan is still laying down.I look at him and I catch his gaze;he smiles at me and I smile back.
"Come here.",he says.
"What?" I ask confused.
"Lay down with me."
"Because that's weird..."
"Since when is laying down weird?Haha."
"It's not,but laying down in your bed right beside you seems...awkward."
"How is that awkward?"
"Well it seems like it is."
"Just try it and if you don't like it,then you can go back to sitting."
"A-alright...just this once." I lay myself down slowly and soon enough I'm laying down right beside Ryan.I place my hands together and hold them over my stomach.I'm facing the ceiling and I'm surprised that I'm actually feeling pretty calm at the moment.I feel someone watching me so I look to my right only to catch Ryan's stare as he smiles at me.
"I am actually."
"You see,you won't know until you try."
We both stare at each other for a moment and then I notice Ryan's eyes look down a bit lower.It isn't long until I realize that he was staring at my lips.Unsure of what to do at the moment I turn my head to face the ceiling again.So there isn't any awkward atmosphere I say, "Your bed is pretty comfy." I begin to feel nervous for some reason I don't even know so I decide it's time to situp.I lift myself and turn my legs so that I am now sitting at the ledge of the bed.I blank out while I stare at nothing in particular.I feel some movement of the bed and then I can feel a presence beside me.I know it's Ryan so I don't bother to look to him.I hear him calling my name,it snaps me out of my daze and brings me back to reality.I look to him with a blank expression.
"Hey are you alright?"
"Yeah,I just kind of spaced out for a second."
I look down at the floor and then I look to my left.I notice Ryan's nightstand beside his bed.I look at it for a moment and then I notice a picture frame that holds a picture of a man in it.I suddenly remembered that this is the picture of Ryan's dad that Ryan once showed me.I recall Ryan mentioning that he keeps this photo as a motivation for himself to become a better man than he ever was.I stare closely at the picture for a moment but Ryan says my name catching my attention.I look to him and he looks at me concerned.
"Is something wrong."
"How do you feel..." I couldn't finish.
"About...your dad." I notice a a look of surprise in Ryan's eyes.I guess he wasn't expecting that.
It's silent for some time but then he finally speaks. "I think I told you before,I believe what I told you was that he was a 'drunken asshole',does that ring any bells?"
"I-I know but you never talk about him."
"What's there to talk about?He walked out on me and my mom when I was still really young."
"But you have that picture and-,"
"I told you what that picture was for already."
"Then why do you ask?"
"Why do you have to get so defensive?"
"I'm not I just don't feel like talking about this."
"Well why not?Did he abuse you or something?"
"No!God dammit (YN) why do you care?!"
"Because I care about you that's why!" He looks at me. "I told you about my dad...even though I really didn't want to." I see the guilt in his eyes and I know now he's willing to talk.
"My dad...my dad..."
I start feeling a little bad as he chokes up. "It's okay Ryan,you don't have to-,"
"No,it's fine.You deserve to know." He looks down and sighs. "I was a pretty happy kid when I was younger but when my dad left us things changed...I changed."
"What do you mean?"
"I used to be just a normal happy boy who would play with other kids at the park and I loved making new friends."
"You still are like that."
"That's because...before I moved here with my mom,I was a different person.And I didn't have any friends."
"I don't understand,you're the friendliest person I know and you're always so happy."
"The me now was never like this before.I used to be the school loner."
"That doesn't make any sense,you're not like me.You never were."
"Yes I was,I was probably worst too."
"I'll start over."
"After my dad left,it changed my world.I knew him and my mom were never happy but still,a parent leaving always has an impact on a kid no matter how old they are.When I realized he was never coming back I started blaming myself thinking I was the cause of my parents unhappiness and the reason that he left.I felt like it was all my fault.Thinking that,my happiness went away.As I grew I would have thoughts that I didn't belong in the world.I felt like I was a mistake and I should have never been born.When I saw my mom upset,I would instantly blame myself and then I'd feel guilty.Eventually my guilt grew into hate,I wanted nothing more than for me to be gone so my mother would be happy.She didn't deserve to be treated the way my dad treated her and I would always think she doesn't deserve to have a problem like me in her life.All these thoughts would run through my mind every single day,even at school I couldn't escape my thoughts enough to even play with any of the other kids.If I was asked to play I'd just ignore them as if I didn't exist and soon enough that's what happened.None of the other kids would notice me or pay attention to me.They'd cut in front of in the lunch lines and they would run directly in front of me causing me to trip.No matter how horribly they'd treat me,I'd always blame myself in the end and think they were doing the right thing treating me as if I didn't exist because I thought I really shouldn't." He pauses and remains looking down.
"Of course I still had feelings,and like you I kept my feelings bottled up inside.In middle school ignoring me turned into bullying and still I'd feel as if I deserved everything that they did to me.They'd call me names and trip me in the hallways.They'd even put stuff in my lockers so when I opened it I'd get a surprise.Over time I kept bottling up everything choosing to not feel anything.My mom worked two jobs at the time so I was home alone most of the time.One day at school I was in the cafeteria and I was walking with my lunch.Some guys went up to me and started crowding me.One of them went up to my face and said, 'Eat shit dick.', then they slapped my tray into my chest and all the food got all over my clothes.Right after that,one of the guys behind me pushed me hard to the floor then they walked off laughing.It was a scene in front of everyone in the cafeteria.When I looked up I saw everyone looking at me.I made eye contact with a few people but I got up and ran out of there.I ran into a teacher and they asked me what happened.I lied and told them that I had tripped and fell into my tray of food.They bought it and send me to the office.The office decided to send me home for the day so I walked home with a blank mind.When I got home I took a shower and changed into some clean clothes.Throughout all of this I kept thinking that the world would be better off without me.I started wondering why I was put on this earth.I felt that I was made as a punishment for my mom.I kept thinking about my mom's life,I just wanted her to be happy.When I finished changing I went to the kitchen and I looked at the knife rack.I approached it and then I pulled out a large knife.I stared at it and as I stared at it I had a bunch of thoughts running through my mind.I decided to go to my room,I'd feel more comfortable there.I went into my room and closed the door.I still had the knife with me,it was laying on the bed before my eyes.I stared at it for some time.Then I started thinking I shouldn't be here.I looked at my wrist and then I looked back at the knife.I reached for it and then I grabbed it.I stared at it for a long time.Suddenly my mom burst into my room.I looked from the knife to her only,when I saw her I saw a look I had never seen before.She said my name and then I saw her eyes start to water up.She ran up to me and pulled the knife out of my hand then she threw it to the ground.She started questioning me and hugging me tightly.She was crying but I felt nothing.I was stiff and emotionless throughout the entire thing.With all her questions being thrown at me,all I could let out was, 'Why are you home early?';apparently the school had called my mom and told her that they sent me home early because I had been in some sort of accident.My mom rushed home when she got the call.The next day my mom took me to see a therapist.I can't blame her though,she did see her son holding a knife locked up in his room.Anyways I wouldn't say anything at first but after a few more visits they got it out of me.I told the therapist that I had been bullied for practically my entire life and how I felt that I didn't belong in the world.I told him I just wanted my mom to be happy.I told him that she couldn't be happy having a mistake like me in her life.The therapist let me out and talked to my mom.He told her everything and this was all a surprise to her.When he finished talking to her she pulled me into a tight embrace the second she stepped out of the office.She told me that she loved me and to never ever think that she didn't want me or that I was a mistake.My mother and I had a few more visits to the therapist together afterwards.My mom ended up quitting her second job and changing her hours at her first job.My mom even complained to the school about me being bullied.She thought that things would get better after that."