I really have to stop,I am practically wasting all of my time worrying about Ryan and finding ways to have some sort of contact with him when he doesn't even want me in his life.I need to be strong willed and not let any urges provoke my actions.I decided I would just ignore Ryan as he wished.It'll be like I didn't know him and he didn't know me.We could just be strangers with memories;I think that idea might work out.For the remainder of the day I just wandered around my house,watched TV,listened to some music and read a little.It was a pretty boring day but what else could I do.As the day grew dark I began to wonder when my mother would return.It seemed as though I had been waiting ages but I knew was only exaggerating out of boredom;I honestly wished I could be back at school so I could at least have something to do other than than just lying around my house all day.
I was sitting watching TV when I heard a car.I hoped so bad for it to be my mother and the second I heard the door knob jiggle around I knew I was right.The door then opened and in walked my mother with Michelle following behind her.They were laughing and had big smiles on their face.I smiled at them and they both greeted me.
"Looks like you two had fun."
"Oh we definitely had a great day.We went to the mall then we went to the movies and after we went to this amazing restaurant that one of Michelle's friends recommended."
"That's sounds great.I'm glad you both had fun."
"Oh (YN) I brought you some leftovers in case you were hungry." I was pretty glad to hear that,I was pretty hungry and the fact that my mother had thought of me while she was out having fun with her friends was a nice thought to hold in mind.
"Thanks,I'm pretty hungry." I took the box from my mom and put the leftovers on a plate.I put the plate in the microwave and let it heat up.
"So (YN) what did you do all day?",Michelle asked.
"Just stay home and watch TV,nothing exciting."
"Did you call Ryan?"
"Oh no,I didn't want to bother him while he was doing homework."
"That's a shame to hear,I just wanted him to spend some time with you since he seems so happy when he's with you."
"You may not realize it but I've been with the boy for 16 years and let me say,I know my son."
"What do you mean he seems happy when he's with me?"
"When he's at home on a typical day he's just not the way he is when he's with you...he's happy.I mean sure he's happy naturally but when you two are together I see a great smile on his face and it's like nothing can take that smile away." Wrong,I took that smile away. "Anyways just seeing him so happy with you made me want him to spend more time with you because I just love seeing my son happy,just like any other parent would with their own child.Ryan is usually happy and smiling everyday but lately..."
She didn't respond,she just stood quiet.
"Ryan has been...acting different lately.He hasn't been himself.I thought it was a one day thing...he came home crying one day and a natural parents instinct is to be concerned.I asked what was wrong but he wouldn't tell me.I trusted he was fine since that was what he told me but he's not cracking jokes like he used to...and his smile looks as if it has withered away.I just wish he would tell me what was wrong with him so I could help but he won't tell me.I just figured if he could spend some time with you...maybe that happy him I've been missing will come back.It's nothing serious and I'm probably exaggerating the situation but if you were a mother you'd understand."
I can't believe Ryan has been suffering this way.He seemed fine at school,I mean sure I knew he was avoiding me but did I hurt him that badly?How could this have effected him so badly?I feel guilt build up within me and I feel like confronting Ryan and telling him to stop making himself suffer.If he did what I did he wouldn't feel anything and his mother wouldn't be feeling like this.I can't help but feel bad for Michelle,after all her son's pain and suffering was my doing.I notice her eyes water up a bit but she holds in the tears;Michelle is a strong woman.
"How is Ryan at school?Do you see anything off about him?"
"Uhh....no,he's fine at school.Talking like always and being funny." I'm of course using this statement from what I saw yesterday during his little in class discussion with Angie.The thought bothered me and I knew it was the jealousy again.
"Oh well...if you see or hear anything....could you tell me?" I looked into her desperate pleading eyes and the guilt grew stronger.
"Definitely,I'll be on the look out." She smiles and pulls me into a great big hug.
"Thank you so much (YN),I've just been so worried about him lately.I'm glad he has a friend like you in his life." I wonder how she'd react if she found out what happened between the two of us.
The microwave finished heating up my food so I took the plate out and began eating.I ate every bit of it and I wanted more after I finished;I guess I must've been pretty hungry.I thought of what else I could eat and then I remembered the cookies I baked.I opened the fridge to find them still in the plastic container.I took them out and opened the lid.I took a cookie and began to munch on it.
"What's that?" asked Michelle
"Oh they're just some cookies I baked."
"You don't bake though (YN)?",my mother said.
"First time for everything I guess.Haha." I gave a smile and held out the container offering them some.They each took one and they praised me for my baking skills.I told them they were better as a fresh batch but they were still pretty good.Michelle asked if it'd be okay for her to take some home and I told her it was fine.I got a plastic bag and put some cookies in it then sealed it tightly making sure there was no air inside;I handed her the bag and she put it in her purse then thanked me.Michelle stayed for a bit longer but then she felt it was already too late;she didn't want to leave Ryan alone waiting any longer so she said goodbye and left out the door.
I had finished my homework after such a long day and I managed to starve myself.I was so concentrated on my work that I chose to ignore my hunger.I head downstairs to make myself a sandwich;as I was about to step into the kitchen I heard a car and I figured it was my mom.Soon enough,she walked in with a box in her hand.
"I brought you some leftovers,I figured you'd might be hungry." I was so glad that she had brought home food;I was starving!
"Thanks mom,love you!"
"Mmhmm...you know I saw (YN)." That's right...she doesn't know I'm upset with (YN) and trying to avoid her at all costs.
I didn't want to let her know what happened or give any hint that I was upset with (YN) so instead I just said, "Oh,that's nice.How was she?"
"She was fine.She asked about you."
"She did?" I said it in a much more enthusiastic tone than I meant it to be.I felt embarrassed.
"Aww are you surprised to hear that your little girlfriend was asking about you?",she said in a teasing voice.
"She's not my girlfriend." She's not even my friend.
"Oh alright I'll stop teasing you and let you eat your food." She then handed me the box of food and I heat it up in the microwave.Once it was ready I took it out and grabbed myself a fork;I began to eat enjoying my meal.Once I finished my mom took out a bag from her purse.It looked like cookies.She placed them on the table and they were so tempting to eat.
"Mom can I have a cookie?"
"Sure go right ahead." I grabbed the bag and opened it up.I took a single cookie then took a bite into it;it was a really good cookie and the sense of my taste buds only made me want more.I ate 3 more and I sealed the bag back up putting it away because I knew I'd probably eat another.I went up to my mom and gave her a kiss on the cheek as well as a hug.I thanked her for the food and then I head upstairs to brush my teeth.I washed my face then head into my room changing into a t-shirt and some boxers.I lay in bed comfortably and soon fell asleep
When I woke up I was a bit disappointed that it was already Sunday and I'd have school tomorrow.I rolled out of bed and head into the bathroom splashing my face with water so I could wake up.I heard my mom calling me down so I head downstairs.She had breakfast ready,which was pancakes and they were my favorite.Sure pancakes are amazing but my mom's are the best and you can't find any pancakes this amazing anywhere but here at home.She served me my plate and handed me the syrup.We both sat down and ate our meal.
"So Ryan besides (YN),have you seen any other girls who catch your eye?" She smiles at me and raises her two eyebrows.I love my mom but I get really annoyed when she wants to talk about girls and stuff.
"Oh come on, stop holding out on me.There has to be some you think are cute,unless..."
"Unless you're different than other boys."
"Different how?" She gives me a strange look and I'm confused at first but then I realize what she means.
"What I'm your mom and I love you no matter what.No judgement here,but I'm a concerned mother and I'd like to know a bit about my son's personal life.I mean I know you're a teenage boy and you need your privacy but would it really hurt to open up a little?"
"Haha,okay mom well if you want me to be more open let me start by saying I am not different than other boys."
"Alright then what girls do you like?Tell mommy."
"I'm starting to doubt you and think maybe you are different,which is nothing to be ashamed of."
"I'm not,I like girls.No discrimination here but I'm a boy that likes girls and enjoys their company."
"Good,now what girls specifically?"
"What girls catch your attention."
"There's no girls."
"Unless your eyes are locked on one particular girl and you don't bother to look at any others."
"Do we have to talk about this?I mean, shouldn't a mom not want her son to date since I'm mommy's little boy."
"You'll always be my little boy but I'd like you to find yourself a nice girl and get some experience."
"Well I'm sorry mom but I think for me to have a girlfriend you'd have to like her yourself for your approval."
"True very true...but there is one girl I already like very much and greatly approve of."
I already knew where she was going with this and what she was going to say but I was still caught off guard when she said, "(YN) seems like a nice girl and I like her very much."
I was so annoyed by this point and hearing (YN)'s name only got me more infuriated.I couldn't help but let the annoyance take over me and the next thing I know I yelled out, "Well I don't!"
It was silent and I felt a sharp pain hit me,it was the guilt of yelling at my mother.I looked up to meet her eyes and they looked saddened.I didn't want to say anything and I didn't want to risk having to discuss this so I quickly got up and pushed in my chair then took my plate to the sink.I rushed upstairs and locked the door to my room.I leaned against the door and I shoved my face into my hands.Why did I have to yell at my mom like that?I shouldn't have let my anger take control of me now I feel terrible and she deserves an apology but I don't want to talk about this and I know she will.I slowly begin to slide against the door and sit on the floor still leaning.I feel so horrible right now I tried to forgive myself by blaming (YN) but that wasn't good.I can't blame everything on (YN) even if she did hurt and betray me the way she did.
I hear a knock at the door but I remain silent.I hear the knock again and choose to ignore it.After some time of knocking my mom has finally given up.I remain seated on the floor and after some time I get up and unlock the door.I open it slowly and step out.I look around for my mom but she is nowhere in sight.I head down the stairs and when I reach the bottom I see my mom sitting on the sofa with her arms crossed across her chest.She notices me and stares for a moment of silence.
"I'm sorry." I finally say.She says nothing and remains with her cold hard stare. "Mom I didn't mean to yell at you I just got frustrated.I'm really really sorry." No response. "Mom I'm sorry!"
"I don't give a damn about how sorry you are or that you yelled at me!"
"Then what is it?" I look at her confused.
"Ryan stop playing dumb with me alright?I know my own son and I have had it with you not talking to me about your problems now talk!"
"There's nothing to tell!"
"That's a damn lie and we both know it!Look me in the eyes now and talk!"
I look down and turn towards the stairs placing on hand on the rail.
"Ryan!" I stay frozen. "Ryan I am begging you.Please talk to me!"
I drop my hand and look to the side.I turn my body to face her and I see the plead in her eyes.I guess I should just tell her.I can see she is agonizing over the entire situation and her assumptions probably make it harder for her.
"Mom...it's hard to tell you."
"Ryan I am your mother.I swear if you do not talk I will not let you leave this house until you do!Now talk!"
I look up and my eyes meet hers.She looks nervous and scared;I wonder if she can see the pain in my eyes.
"I don't want you making a big deal over this.Promise?"
"Ryan if someone is hurting you I have every right to make a big deal about this."
"Well nobody is hurting me...at least not in the way in you think."
"Ryan what's this about?"
"Well it kind of has to do with school...and (YN)."
I see a mild change of expression on her face once she hears (YN)'s name.She doesn't say anything,she just nods reassuring me to proceed.
"Well you see these rumors kind of started up at school and they were about (YN) and I dating.It wasn't true or anything but I was concerned about (YN) because I knew she wouldn't be comfortable with the situation."
"Ryan where are you going with this?"
"I'm getting there.Anyways I kind of noticed my friend Derek trying to be closer to (YN) and I didn't like the idea of it."
"So you were jealous?"
"No!I just didn't think (YN) would want to deal with that.I was just concerned about her."
"Okay let me finish!So I noticed this and I told (YN) I didn't like the idea of the two of them.She seemed to understand but I guess she didn't really care."
"What do you mean?" I look down and feel pain in my eyes.I don't want to talk about this anymore. "Ryan what do you mean?"
"Look she basically betrayed me okay!"
"What do you mean betrayed?"
"She let Derek shove his tongue down her throat and she did it back...even after I told her how I felt about them.She didn't even tell me right away she waited the next day and I had to find out first by some girl I didn't even know.I was just so pissed at (YN)!I still am!"
My mom says nothing and I look down trying to think of other things.
"Ryan when did this happen?"
"I don't know a couple days ago."
"Have you spoken to her since?"
"Not really,she's tried but I really don't want to deal with her right now."
"Did she hurt you?"
"Yes mom she hurt me.Go ahead and tell the principle now."
"Ryan I'm serious.I feel like she hurt you worst than how much this situation can.You two were never dating?"
"No!We're just friends...we were just friends,I mean."
"Ryan you can't just kick her out of your life like that."
"Look some day your gonna look back and regret you completely avoided her.She's a very nice girl I'm sure she didn't mean to,these things just happen sometimes.Trust me I was a teenage girl once too and I understand,especially since (YN) is the lovely looking girl she is it's no surprise that she's getting the attention of other guys."
"But I told her and she still went on and did it.She doesn't even know what friendship is and she's not worthy of mine."
"Fine be stubborn but don't come crying to me when you realize you really miss having her in your life because by then it'll be too late." With those last words she gets up and heads towards the stairs.She doesn't know what she's talking about.If she were in my position she'd understand why I can't forgive (YN),she's only choosing (YN)'s side because she favors her.I should have never been friendly to her that day.Now my mom is on (YN)'s side and I look like the bad guy.If she only truly knew how much she hurt me then maybe she'd view (YN) as the enemy.I don't care what my mom thinks,nothing will make me forgive her or want to talk to her;she betrayed me and betrayal is something unforgivable.
I was extremely bored with nothing to do in the house,my mother and I already ate breakfast and after that we just did our own thing.Tomorrow would be Monday,which was good since I could be back at school with something to do and not be at home bored all day.I was watching some TV when my mom walked in and took a seat beside me.
"So Michelle seems pretty worried about Ryan huh?"
"Do you know anything?"
"Are you sure?She's really worried and I just feel like you'd know something.Did he tell you not to tell us?" I feel bad about trying to avoid the topic but what was I gonna do just tell my mom that Ryan is upset and doesn't want to talk to me ever again. "The truth please." I looked into her pleading eyes and I couldn't help it.I'll just tell her.It can't hurt anyways,and it might feel nice to get it off my chest.
"The truth is...Ryan hates me."
"Okay please don't get mad but I kind of hurt Ryan."
"Well what did you do?"
"His friend Derek happened."
"What did you do?"
"I kind of..."
"Well I guess you could say I had my first kiss..." She said nothing,just looked at me with surprised eyes.I bit my lip a bit embarrassed. "Look I didn't really want to,he kissed me first then it just kind of went from there.Later on Ryan told me he didn't like seeing me and Derek together because it kind of bothered him and I felt extremely guilty because I had already kissed him.I was sure I wasn't going to let him kiss me again but...I still let it happen.The next day I told Ryan and he got extremely mad and said I was a bad friend.I knew he was mad but I wanted to talk about it no matter how badly he didn't.He's still mad at me and avoiding me right now but I've tried a few times to get into contact with him but each time fails.I know he needs his space and doesn't want to deal with me but I just feel so tempted to talk to him and try to work things out.Anyways,I just think I should leave him alone now.He's clearly not going to change his mind and I think me trying to force myself to talk to him only hurts him more and I just want him to feel better.I feel really bad about the whole thing,I really do.I'm sorry mom." She just stares at me a bit shocked to hear what I had to say.
"I think you need to tell Michelle."
"What if she ends up hating me too?"
"She won't,she just needs to know.I'll talk to her if you want." I bite my lip and I just agree with my mom.If Michelle had to know I'd rather have my mom be the one to tell her than me.My mom got up and went to go call Michelle.I felt nervous and scared.I couldn't handle Ryan hating me and now Michele is probably going to.After some time of waiting my mom came back.
"So I talked to Michelle and-"
"She hates me?"
"No...she said Ryan already told her this morning and she completely understands.She thinks the two of you should talk about it and I agree."
"Mom he hates me!I can't,even if I wanted to he wouldn't agree to it."
"Michelle thinks she might be able to convince Ryan."
"No she can't he's upset with me and he doesn't want to see me.He just wants me out of his life.Please your only making this harder on him!I don't want him to suffer any more.He's hurting and I can't go on day by day knowing that he is...all because of me."
"(YN) you just saying that proves you're a great friend to him and you're concerned about him but it's for the best honest."
"No!You don't understand,please just tell Michelle to forget it.Please!It'll only make things harder for him.Please mom please!Just tell Michelle to forget it...please." She looked at my pleading expression and I think she felt pity for me.
"Alright,I'll tell Michelle."
I smile greatly and pull my mom into a hug.
"Thank you so much!"
She pats my back and then gets up to go call Michelle back.I was glad that my mother understood the situation and that Ryan could be left alone now.I won't have to worry about him hurting more than he already is now.What my mom told me began to sink into my mind;she said that I was a great friend but Ryan said I was the exact opposite of that.Which was it?I know what I did was wrong but was me being concerned about Ryan something that could erase my "horrible friend" image.Maybe in others eyes but never Ryan's,and his are the only ones I'd want to see this.I just had to accept that Ryan will never forgive me and no matter how hard I try it won't make a difference.I hurt him and that's all he can see when he looks at me now.I'm the girl that kissed his friend,the girl who betrayed him.I was the girl he could never forgive and I knew he wouldn't.