Once the bell rang for 6th I was kind of glad the day was almost over but for some reason I didn't want to go to 6th.I wasn't sure what it was but something inside me just made me feel uncomfortable I knew it had to do with Derek and all the kissing but I don't know what any of that had to do with my 6th period.I walked into class and I saw Ryan.He saw me walk in and smiled at me and that's when it hit me.I felt like I had just been punched so hard in my gut and I felt like my chest was punctured with a stake.I saw him look at me concerned,I guess I must've gave away an expression that made me seem upset or something.I quickly gave a smile and walked to my desk.I took my seat and then he whispered to me, "Are you okay?"
"You don't seem fine."
"I'm okay honest." I smile and he studies my face closely.
I don't think he's convinced but he says, "Okay." I guess he doesn't want to take things any further risking me having a mental breakdown again.
Once the bell rings I pack up and see some people looking at me only this time with more anger and intensity in their eyes.One girl even shakes her head at me side to side and walks away.I ignore all the eyes and then I wait for Ryan to get his things.We're both ready and then we walk out. "So I saw you and Derek today." Oh crap,he saw us kissing.Now what do I do?Play it cool and apologize,but apologize for what?For not telling him earlier?I decide to just play it safe.
"What do you mean?"
"In 4th period.I saw you guys talking and I noticed he picked up your pens." Maybe he doesn't know about everything that happened at lunch.Just play it cool.
"Oh yeah we uhh...he uhh...I dropped my pens...and yeah." Way to play it cool.He's gonna think somethings up now.
"Why are you so nervous?"
"No it's just I'm really tired from school and work you know.Sorry if I'm not making any sense."
"Hey umm (YN) I actually want to talk about Derek if you don't mind."
"Oh,Why?" I feel my throat begin to swell up and my stomach feels like its been tied in knots.
"Well I mean when you drop things I usually pick your stuff up haha and when I saw Derek pick up your things I don't know it felt weird to me.Then I saw you guys talking and I don't know I just got this weird feeling in the pit of my stomach."
"Why?" "I really don't know it just kind of bothered me to see you two together."
"Oh uhh I'm sorry."
"Haha it's not your fault.I mean maybe it's just me.I mean I'm fine but I just thought I'd let you know since we're friends and all."
"Right what are friends for."
"So what about you?"
"What about me?"
"Have anything you want to share that's bugging you.It might help to let it out.Only if you want though.I don't want to force you into anything you don't want to do."
Was he testing me?Maybe he saw me and Derek at lunch and he wants to test my friendship.But what if he doesn't know and I tell him then he gets mad at me.I mean he even just said seeing me and Derek together bothered him.Then again it didn't mean anything.If I mention that things might be better.I decide to just avoid the topic and move onto something else. "Umm no not really.I'm fine really." I smile and then he looks at me unconvinced again.Oh crap he knows.I'm a horrible person and friend.He hates me now.
As we begin to walk off campus I notice Ryan's group of friends they call him over and I tag along.They all greet him and then their attention turns towards me.I decide to try and be friendly,like Ryan said maybe I can be friendly,get to know them,and then judge them later.I flash a friendly smile and say hi.They all look at me completely shocked,I then notice Derek in the corner of my eye he begins to approach Ryan and I.I feel the knots in my stomach again.Oh crap what if he tells Ryan everything.Derek then flashes me a smile and I smile weakly back trying not to make anything seem out of the ordinary.He says hi to Ryan and then Derek looks to me again. "Well aren't you cute." I am confused but try my best to not show any expression of it.Maybe he was playing it cool too trying to keep everything a secret.I look to Ryan and notice he is looking at Derek with a look of dislike.I guess he really is bothered by seeing me and Derek together.I look away from Ryan and then look back at Derek.I begin to bite my lip but this only makes the tension worsen because me biting my lip had Derek say, "You're cute when you do that.Can I give you something else to bite?" He says this in such a flirty way and then side smiles after.He then raises his eyebrows together once.I look to Ryan and he looks like he wants to punch Derek in the face.
I see Michelle's car pull up and then Ryan says bye to everyone.Ryan asks if I want a ride and I say no.I decide it'd be nice to walk today besides I'd feel extremely uncomfortable in a car with him right now.We all say bye and then the car drives off.I say bye to the guys and walk off.I hear footsteps and someone calling my name.I look back and see Derek running up to me. "Mind if I walk you home."
"Umm why would you do that?"
"Because I want to make sure you get home safely." He gives me a flirty smile and I feel my cheeks warm up a bit.I look down.
"You don't have to walk with me I'm fine on my own."
"But I want to."
"You're seriously going to ask that?"
"Because of lunch.Whether you liked it or not that happened.And I liked it,I'm pretty sure you did too."
"You're definitely over confident."
"But I did prove it to you last time."
"That I'm a great kisser." The fact that he is speaking with such confidence and no trouble talking about this makes me feel uneasy. "So I was your first kiss?How did it feel for you?I hope I made your first kiss an experience you'll never forget." Honestly I hated how confident he was but I had to admit he really was a good kisser.I enjoyed every second of it. "Be honest (YN)."
"It was nice..."
"Nice?Just nice?", he says in a teasing manner as if knowing I'm not being completely honest
"It was great okay!You happy now?"
"Haha,see I knew you'd enjoy it." I can't believe I let this jerk kiss me and that I even kissed him back. "So those lessons I offered, if you want to get better,they're reserved for you." He winks at me and I just roll my eyes.I walk faster and he speeds up as well. "Why are you so pissed off?"
"Because you're following me and I don't want you to!"
"Well then that's too bad because I want to."
"Can I please just go home in peace?"
"Why are you so bothered by all of this?"
"Because I am!"
"I just am okay."
"Is there a reason in particular?Or perhaps a who?" I look at him and he raises an eyebrow as if he knows. "Is it Ryan?You said you two weren't even together so I don't see why it'd bother you." I know that I am absolutely annoyed with this guy but he's absolutely right.We were never together.I didn't really do anything to hurt him.I mean I know he's bothered by Derek and I together but I didn't know until after all the kissing and stuff.And now I'm here trying to make sure it doesn't happen again.Why is this bothering me so much?I decide to stop thinking about it because if I do I'll just over think everything and I am in no position to want to think right now.
Derek continues to follow me and we just walk in silence.I soon see my house not far and walk up to it.Derek is behind me of course.We're on my front yard and I look to him wondering if he's going to leave anytime soon. "You know you live by my friends house.That's kind of cool.Maybe while I pay him a friendly visit I can come see you." He smiles but I don't bother to smile back.He begins to approach me closer. "Why are you giving me signals left and right?" He begins speaking in a calm soothing voice that makes me feel bad for him.I look into his eyes and they're a bright blue kind of like the ocean.I get lost in them and then I snap back into reality. "I like you (YN),and at lunch today I thought you maybe liked me too.Do you?"
"I don't know."
"Then let me help you figure that out." He then places both his hands on the sides of my face and he pulls me in for a passionate and strong kiss.I feel the sensation run through me again only stronger than before.As he pulls away I slowly open my eyes.His hands are still holding my face.I notice my hand trembling again.He takes hold of it and kisses it again. "You see how I make you feel (YN).Can Ryan make you feel like that?"
"I-I've never kissed Ryan."
"Well how do you feel right now when I'm not kissing you.When you see me approach you.When I'm near you."
"I feel nervous...but I'm pretty sure it's only because I worry about Ryan finding out what happened."
"Why do you care if he finds out?"
"Because he doesn't like seeing us together." This brings a smile on Derek's face.
"Well he doesn't have to know.Nobody has to if you don't want them too."
"I'd appreciate it if nobody knew."
"Alright,I won't tell anybody but at lunch people were around us.I'm sure people saw things and word will get around." Dammit!I didn't think about that possibility.If Ryan finds out he'll be so upset. "I'm sorry (YN),I didn't think it mattered since you and Ryan weren't anything." I am extremely worried by now but he has a point.Why would me and Derek bother him so much anyway?I don't know but it definitely bothers him a lot judging by his reaction today after school from what Derek had said to me.
I stop thinking and then I look to Derek. "I'm sorry about getting you involved in this."
"Don't be.I want to be involved.As long as I'm with you.I like you (YN) and I don't think you realize how much." I feel extremely nervous and try to ignore the feeling that came with what he said.I begin to walk to my door and I hear footsteps behind me but I ignore it.I take out my keys and put them in.Just as I'm about open the door I see a hand quickly close it then I turn over with my back against the door.Derek is right in front of me with his body gently pressed against mine.I am pinned against my door and I don't move or do anything.I just stare at him and he does the same.I see a smile begin to appear on his face and he plants a gentle kiss on my cheek. "You're cute when you're nervous." He chuckles softly and slowly begins to stroke my cheek.
"Can you get off p-please?"
"I'll go right after this..." He closes his eyes and begins to lean in.I don't know why I do but I close my eyes and then allow him to place his soft luscious lips against mine.I enjoy the sensation rushing through my entire body and kiss him back.I feel his body pinning me against the door with more pressure but I don't care.After our kiss he slowly pulls back and I open my eyes slightly.I bite my lower lip and he gives a flirty side smile. "I can give you something else to bite." I stare at his lips and he can tell I want his warm lips against mine again.He teases me by leaning in,I close my eyes only to feel his lips placing a sweet gentle kiss on my neck.He looks back up to me and kisses my forehead then he looks down to my lips and gives a sweet soft kiss to my lips.Once he pulls away he goes to the side of my ear and I hear him whisper, "Maybe that will help you figure out how you feel about me." He comes close to my face and gives me one last kiss and then leaves.I watch as he walks off and then I look down.I turn to face my door then open it.I walk in and close it behind me.I lock the door and then I lean against it.I shove my face into my hands and slowly begin to slide down to the floor.If Ryan finds out he will definitely hate me.He won't want anything to do with me.I just allowed Derek to kiss me again and work his charm on me which works very effectively.Should I tell Ryan or just keep this from him?He's confided in me but this is different.I kissed his friend who he specifically told me made him feel uncomfortable when with me.Even after telling me that I still go off and let him kiss me again.I'm such an idiot.I have to tell Ryan.Even if I don't want anybody to know about this I want Ryan to know and I can tell him how bad I feel about the entire thing.I'm sure he'll understand.Ryan is a considerate guy.I'm sure if I explain he won't be as upset.I decide to tell him first thing tomorrow.But what if I ruin his day?Or his morning?At lunch?Then he might be down for the rest of the day.After school?Yes that's perfect but it has to be some where private.I don't want anyone else to hear about Derek and I.I have to be a good friend to Ryan.He deserves to know.
---------------RYAN'S POV--------------- (By the way POV means Point Of View)
At home I couldn't focus on my homework I was too distracted.When I saw Derek pick up (YN)'s things today it rubbed me the wrong way.Then when I saw them talking that bothered me more.And after school when Ryan was flirting with her,I swear I got so fed up right there.I even offered (YN) a ride not wanting her to be around him anymore.What was this feeling?Was I jealous?But of what?Obviously Derek but why was I jealous of Derek?Was I worried that he might steal my friendship from (YN)?That could be it but I felt like that wasn't it.Maybe I'm just not used to (YN) talking to to other people,after all it has only been her and me so far and I like it that way but if she wants to make new friends then I'm 100% supportive.She needs some exposure to society anyways.
At night I am still thinking about (YN) and Derek.Maybe I'm over thinking this too much but when he made those flirty remarks he made it clear that he wanted her.He did say that he would ask her out once but hearing it then didn't seem to bother me as much as it's bothering me right now just thinking about it.I decide to try and relax.I lay in bed clearing my thoughts and eventually I fell asleep.
In the morning I wake up and get ready.I eat a quick breakfast then I head off to school.I was so eager to get to school for whatever reason that I forgot about (YN);I was already on school campus so I figured I might as well just forget about walking with her today.I head to class and then the bell rings later on.Of course people were looking at me strangely but today I noticed some people with sympathetic eyes.I ignore it and in 2nd I see more sympathetic eyes.I even notice some people whispering to each other but they were looking at me while doing it.Why not just hold up a big sign and make it more obvious.When Derek walks into the room I watch him take his seat.I say hi to him trying to ignore what happened yesterday. "Hey so Ryan you and (YN) are seriously not going out right?"
"Just making sure."
"Okay." I ignore the question and just go on with my day.
As I walk to my 3rd period one girl goes up to me and she says she's really sorry.I give a confused look and ask the girl what she's talking about. "Well aren't you and (YN) going out?"
This annoys me but I respond saying, "Yeah I guess."
"Well a bunch of people saw her spending lunch with Derek yesterday by some tree and after school they walked home together.I just thought I'd let you know.(YN) doesn't seem like that type of girl but you can't judge a book by its cover right." The girl then walks off and I feel some anger build up inside of me as well as jealousy.Now that I think about it I didn't see Derek at the tables yesterday.I slowly begin to put the pieces together,that must be why (YN) didn't want a ride home yesterday she wanted to walk home with Derek.They probably planned it at lunch.And that must be why (YN) was so bothered by the dating rumors about us two.She didn't want Derek to find out because she wanted him all along.I feel a giant pain in my chest and I sense betrayal.I thought she was my friend.Why didn't she just tell me she liked Derek?It's not that big a deal and now here I am feeling like crap while she's probably planning another lunch date or some special after school plans with him.I bet that's why he was being flirty with her yesterday too.Trying to show their affections without revealing too much.
By the time I get to 4th period I am filled with so much pain and anger.I don't know if it's directed more towards (YN),Derek,or me.Sure I blame (YN) for not telling me anything but I also blame Derek for wanting her and I know he does.However I feel like I could be at fault for this because if I'd just opened my eyes sooner maybe this wouldn't have happened.If I saw that (YN) was probably only using me to get closer to Derek I wouldn't feel the pain I feel right now.Once the bell rings for lunch I pack my things ready to go.Someone approaches me and I look to see (YN) smiling at me.Seeing her only makes the pain stronger and I feel my eyes begin to water. "Are you oka-"
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah I'm fine."
"If you want to talk I'm here for you.That's what friends are for." Yeah that's what friends are for,going behind each others backs and not telling each other things doing stuff in secret.I take one step and then her faint voice speaks, "Ryan I need to talk to you...in private.Please?"
I look back, "What for?"
"I just want to tell you something,but after school in private okay."
"Sure." I look away and then walk off.
At lunch I go to the tables.Derek is there surprisingly and I really don't feel like talking to him right now.One of the guys starts asking where he was yesterday. "What were you doing yesterday at lunch Derek?We didn't see you."
"I was taking care of some business." Yeah like being flirty with (YN).
"Hey Derek I heard you were walking home with (YN) yesterday."
"So what happened?"
"What kind of stuff?"
"We were just talking and walking alright."
"Sure you were."
Out of anger and I jealousy I open up my mouth. "Yeah I'm sure that's all you two were doing the entire time."
They all look to me and Derek approaches me slowly. "And why do you care so much huh?I recall you saying you and (YN) were never going out."
"Yeah and your point is."
"My point is if you were never together then why do you care whether I fancy the girl or not?"
"Are you sure about that?"
"Yes." I'm lying of course.I understand I have no reason to care about (YN) and Derek but it just bothers me so much.I give a serious look to Derek and he just smiles then laughs softly.
"All right so we're all good then.By the way if you see (YN) tell her hi for me will you?" I don't respond and then Derek goes off talking with the guys.I feel the sting in my eyes but I fight the urge to cry.Call me a wimp but at least it proves I'm human.
Once the bell rings for 5th I bolt up out of my seat and rush to class.When the bell rings later for 6th I feel like I just swallowed a giant boulder and now its going through a difficult time being digested.I walk into class and take my seat.Soon (YN) takes her seat next to mine but I ignore it.She taps my shoulder and smiles at me.I give an extremely weak smile. "Are you sure your okay?"
"I don't know are you?" I give her a sincere look and I look away instantly not allowing her to see my eyes begin to water.I blink tightly and the urge to cry quickly goes away.
When I hear the bell ring I pack up my things and head out the door.I begin to walk in the hallway and then I hear my name. "Ryan!" I look back and see her jogging over to me.I look down and shake my head.I decide I might as well just wait for her. "Can I talk to you for a second?"
I stay quiet then speak, "Seconds over." I turn away ready to walk off then I feel her arm pull me back.
"Why are you acting like this?"
"Why do you care?"
"Because we're friends."
"Really?Do you even know the meaning of that word."
"What are you talking about of course I do."
"Well I don't think you do.Friends don't go behind each others backs.And friends tell each other things instead of being shady and keeping things to yourself."
"Will you please just let me talk to you?" I look into her eyes and she stares into mine with a look of desperation.
"Fine." We begin to walk off and she leads us to the tree.I begin to imagine us there the other day when we were in our moment about to kiss but I quickly shake the thought.I look to her and it looks like she was biting the inside of her cheek. "So what did you want to talk about?"
"Just some stuff."
"What kind of stuff?" She looks down and begins to play with her hair.I don't know why but her postponing this talking really pisses me off and I just speak out rudely, "Oh and does this stuff involve you and Derek?"
Oh crap he knows!How does he know?Did Derek tell him after we agreed to keep quiet about everything?Then again some people were around maybe they saw and word got around.He's really going to hate me now. "Look Ryan it's complicated,if you just let me explain-"
"Explain what?How you used me to get closer to Derek because I'm pretty sure he was your main prize the entire time!"
"What are you talking about?"
"Look it's obvious okay!I heard you two were seen together and he even walked you home.I think I can put the pieces together myself thank you very much!"
"So you know about everything?"
"I'm pretty damn sure now!"
"I didn't mean to kiss him.He just...kissed me and then-"
"Wait you kissed him?" Did he not know this?
"He kissed me..."
"And you just let him?"
"I'm sorry Ryan it was out of my control!"
"How the hell was that out of your control?It's your body (YN) I'm sure you can make it do what you want!"
"Well at first I didn't know what was going on and then the second time he kissed me I don't know I just...I don't know." He looks at me with upset eyes.
"You kissed more than once?" I look at him and I begin to think I've really screwed myself over. "(YN) did you kiss him more than once?The truth please." He speaks to me in a calm voice.I look to him and then look down,this pretty much gave him his answer. "I see...How many times?"
"I don't know..."
"What too much that you lost count?" The way he said this rubbed me the wrong way and made me feel even worse than I already did.
"Seven...", I utter softly.
"Seven...seven times.That's how many times we kissed." Ryan rolls his eyes and then he turns the other way. "Ryan I'm sorry!"
"Did you even think about me while you were making out with Derek?"
"Well...at the moment-"
"Clearly you didn't because you had seven chances to think about me or take into consideration how this would make me feel but I guess you don't care.You have Derek you can go live a happy life with him just leave me out of it."
"Ryan please we're friends,I need you!" Why did I just say that?I guess it was all out of desperation.I really didn't want him out of my life though.
"You don't need me.You already have Derek so you're fine without me!Just go ahead and be his girlfriend.See if I care."
"Ryan please just let me explain everything to you!"
"I don't want to hear how Derek shoved his tongue down your throat.I think I'll pass."
"No please Ryan if you just hear me out.Please...let me explain.Please." I am begging him here and I think he is willing to hear my side of the story.
I ask him to get comfortable before I tell him the entire story.He leans on the tree trunk and I start from the beginning with the pens dropping to the floor to how he walked me home and kissed me goodbye.I didn't go into detail about the kisses not wanting to get Ryan more upset.Once I'm through explaining everything I wait for him to reply but he says nothing for some time.Eventually he speaks up, "Did you kiss him back.Be honest please."
I look down and speak up, "Yes."
Its quiet again and then Ryan speaks up again, "Did you like kissing him?" I look up and see his eyes are completely focused on me.
I just stare and start playing with my hands. "It felt...nice."
"Can I ask you something else?"
"Anything go ahead.I'll answer everything."
"Did you even think about me at least once during all of this?"
"Yes.Honest.I mean not during the kissing but I did think about you.I swear Ryan I did!I even told Derek you didn't like seeing us together."
"So you kissed him...right here under the tree."
I notice him bite his lower lip and then he looks up to me. "You know it's funny...we were here before you and Derek and we were about to kiss...but you backed out.You didn't back out for Derek.Interesting huh?" The tone in his voice just makes the guilt even stronger. "I should go." He looks down and reaches for his backpack on the floor but I act out of instinct and pin him against the tree. "(YN) what are you-" I don't know what was going through my mind at the moment but I just wanted him to know how sorry I was.The only thing I could think of was to kiss him so I do.I plant my lips upon his interrupting his sentence.I'm unsure of how long the kiss lasts but I slowly begin to pull away.I look up at him and see him barely beginning to open his eyes.He bites his lower lip tenderly and I just look at him hoping he has forgiven me. "I don't want your pity." He looks to the side and then he pushes me off.He gets his backpack and leaves.Did I just lose my only friend?He promised me he would never leave me no matter what.He promised...he promised.He promised he would never leave no matter what...so why is he leaving me now feeling more lost than ever.Flashbacks begin to play in my mind.Flash backs of Ryan,Derek,my mom,and the memory that has worked it's way into me this time.It's too much!I can't handle it,I fall to the floor and begin to ball my eyes out.I hurdle myself into my own little ball and and cry.Why did he leave me?I need him now more than ever.Why?Why?Why?He promised me...He promised.