As the day passed by something inside me began to grow.Not pain,or joy,or an uneasy feeling;it was more of a familiar feeling...only not really a feeling.I wasn't sure what it was.When I grew hungry I made myself a quesadilla with some things in the fridge.Once I ate I watched some TV and I began to feel sleepy.I went to go wash my face and as I washed my face I looked into the mirror.No expression at all,just a blank,dull,lifeless expression.My expression was just so...so...boring.I didn't bother to think about what was building up inside of me or how lifeless I looked with absolutely no expression on my face.When night came I got ready for bed and drifted off to sleep;in the morning I woke up to my alarm,glad this time it wasn't my mom who had awaken me.
I rolled out of bed and got ready for school.When I was all set to go I ate a banana and head off to school.As I was walking I felt like I was expecting something or waiting for something.I paused for a moment and looked all around me.I was uncertain of what I was feeling or even why I was feeling it.I decided to just head off to school and not worry about it.Once I got to school I head straight for my 1st period;I was surprised to find nobody waiting outside out the classroom;nobody except one person not even in my class.There he was leaning against the door with a crooked smile on his face but it suited him well.Derek slowly began to approach me but I spoke up making him stop, "What are you doing here?"
"Now (YN) is that the kind of reaction I deserve after everything that happened between us.",he said completely sarcastic.
"Nothing happened between us."
"Are you sure about that?Because I'd just love to refresh your memory." He smiled and I remained with a serious look on my face.He slowly began to approach me again but I remained still. "I've been thinking about you a lot you know."
"Nice to know,but I can't return that favor."
"What?Have you been thinking about Ryan?"
"No...I've been spending time to myself and that's how I like it.It's better this way." He looked down at me but still I remained serious with no other sense of emotion being expressed. I could see a bit of annoyance in his expression then I heard it in his voice.
"Yeah alone,I'm sure that's way better than associating with people."
"People are rude." '
"Not if you meet the right ones.And I'm sure I can help you sort those out."
"I think I can manage that on my own."
"Let's see then.What am I?"
"A nuisance." I see his expression turn blank and I can tell he isn't pleased with my answer.
"Can you please move out of the way,I'm trying to get to class."
"(YN) why are you so judgmental?"
"Maybe because I don't like you."
"What made you not like me?"
"Lets see you kissed me,you tend to bother me,you don't know when to stop,you can't take a hint,and you upset Ryan." There's a bit of silence but then he speaks.
"Ryan?That's all you're really concerned about isn't it?Well look here okay,you had the option to push me off when I kissed you and I believe you could have made the decision all on your own to NOT kiss back but you did anyway so who's really at fault here;I'm sure you had just as much to do with poor Ryan's feelings as I did." I don't know why but everything Derek said builds up such anger in me.He's right of course,I did have the choice to push him off and end everything before anything really happened.I could have chose to not kiss back,but I did anyway.Derek saying all of this to me brought a great feeling of guilt within me and I hated it.I noticed he placed his hand on my cheek and began to stroke it gently.I looked up and my eyes met his then he gave a sweet smile. "Sorry about that...and everything else.I don't want you to hate me because I really like you." I remained motionless and my face gave no hint of an expression.He stroked my cheek gently and then he began to lean in close.I knew what was about to happen and what he was trying to do.As he came in closer I began to slowly close my eyes and he did as well.Once I figured he was close enough I opened my eyes wide open and shoved my hand right into his face.It wasn't long before he realized and he backed up looking at me with a raised eyebrow.
"What the hell?I thought we were in a moment."
"The only moment you'll be having with me is in your dreams because in reality I want nothing to do with you." He looked at me with anger in his eyes.I stared at him intensely then broke the eye contact by walking towards the class room,just then he grabbed my arm and had a firm grip on it too.I looked up to him with dead serious eyes. "Can you let go of my arm please." I said with an unpleasant tone.He didn't say anything,no response came from him.The second I felt his grip loosen I pulled my arm away aggressively and then walked into class.I took my seat and looked towards the door a bit paranoid that Derek might be standing right there,I was wrong of course.Once class started I let the day go on just as it used to.
In 4th I walked into class and took my seat.Some students stared at me for a moment but I felt their gazes quickly disappear.When I noticed Ryan walk into the room I watched him as he took his seat,he must've felt someones eyes watching him because he looked back and I quickly looked down to my desk.After a bit of time I looked back up and looked to Ryan to find he was facing the front of the class.Watching him only made me feel more guilt but I couldn't help but watch him.I heard footsteps walk into the classroom and turned my attention towards it.They were Derek's footsteps,I looked up at him and he was looking at me.Our eyes were locked on each others then I got caught off guard with a sweet friendly smile he was giving me.I watched him take his desk next to Ryan,I glanced at Ryan and noticed he was staring at me with a blank expression.Our eyes met and locked onto each others for a moment.I felt uneasy and decided to break the eye contact so I looked down awkwardly and I started fidgeting around with my pen.I looked back up to see if Ryan was still looking at me but he wasn't.I felt somewhat relieved but a bit disappointed.
In the middle of class I realized I had been looking at Ryan for practically the entire period whether I took a quick break so no one would notice or maybe I zoned out while looking at him then snapped back into reality.Either way I was looking at him back and forth this entire time.I began to grow this urge to talk to him.Maybe he's forgiven me by now.Maybe he had some time to think things out and sort out is feelings.By the time there were 5 minutes left of class I decided to talk to Ryan.I packed up everything early so I could go up to him before he left class.Once the bell rang I grabbed my backpack and walked towards Ryan's desk where him and his friends were all packing up.All of their attention turned towards me;I was standing right behind Ryan ready to tap his shoulder when he turned and faced me.Our eyes met and he broke the silence with a friendly smile.
"Uhh, what's up?"
"Oh I just wanted to talk to you."
"Oh about what?"
"Just stuff...you know like friends do."
"Yeah," This was a terrible decision and an extremely awkward moment.Maybe the fact that Ryan's friends were all there made it seem this way.I noticed Derek pop up behind Ryan and he looked at me.I glanced at him acknowledging his presence but quickly looked back to Ryan.I figured maybe if I smiled it could break the ice.I gave the best smile I could and I guess it worked because he smiled slightly back.
"Ryan are we going?",one of his friends said.
"Yeah I'll catch up with you guys just wait outside." They all walked out of the classroom and I looked down then right back up to Ryan.He put his hands in his pocket and we both just stood in awkward silence.I watched as his friends walked out he door.The last one out was Derek.He looked at us and then walked out.I looked to Ryan who had noticed Derek staring at us as he left the room.
"Is your boyfriend scared I'm gonna take you from him?", he said sarcastically.
"He's not my boyfriend."
"Oh right you guys are trying to keep things on the down low got it." His sarcasm rubs me the wrong way.
"Why won't you believe me?"
"Gee I don't know maybe because you kept things from me and lied.
"What did I lie about?I told you everything didn't I!"
"Yeah,right after you had your fun even after what I told you.That's called betrayal by the way,and when someone does it to you,you usually don't talk to that person ever again."
"Ryan please can't we just be friends and talk like we used to?"
"You jeopardized that friendship the second you let Derek shove his tongue down your throat."
"Ryan can we please just talk and fix this?"
"There's nothing to fix.Besides you prefer being alone and friendless.It's best that way."
"It's done.Please just leave me alone.It's for the best."
"I just want to talk to you."
"There's no more to say." And with that he walked out the class.I felt like I had been spit in the face.Ryan hated me.He hated me.Hate is such a strong word.I only knew the guy for what, 3 weeks and I managed to get him to hate me that's honestly disappointing and sad.Being caught up with everything I didn't even notice Mr.Johnson was in the room the entire time.
"Having boy troubles?"
"Well I wouldn't say that."
"Do you want to talk about it?" I was uncertain about venting to a teacher.I wasn't even sure if talking to a teacher was a good idea but I mean who else could I talk to.I didn't really want to vent but I decided to just sit and talk with Mr.Johnson to not appear as a snotty teenager.I grab a chair and pull it close to his desk then take my seat."(YN) right?"
"Yes." Wow even my own teacher is uncertain of who I am,says a lot about how unsocial I am.
"So what's the problem here?I'm not sure who the enemy is here,you or Mr.Dawson."
"To be honest I guess you could say it's me." He looks at me surprised,either shocked that I am the one at fault or surprised I admitted the truth.
"He thinks I betrayed him."
"And you didn't?"
"Well...I did but at the time I wasn't thinking.He has every right to be mad at me and to not want to talk to me ever again." Mr.Johnson studies my face probably trying to put together the pieces.
"I won't be nosy and ask you about the issue but I will say you are not a terrible friend."
"But I hurt him."
"You may have hurt him but unlike other people you admitted the truth and you even admitted you are at fault.Do you feel guilty?"
"Of course I do,if I could go back and stop myself from doing what I did...I would,but I can't change the past.Science hasn't gotten that advance yet and this isn't Back to The Future." He chuckles softly at my small joke.
"(YN) I think you're a nice girl and a good friend.Ryan...he's hurting right now and needs to sort out his emotions.Maybe later on he will be willing to forgive you,but right now you should try your best to just give him his space.It's what he needs right now.Do you understand?"
"Yeah...I'm pretty sure I do anyway."
"I hope this discussion helped a bit."
"Oh it was very helpful.Thank you." With those last words I left the classroom and went to my tree.I sat by the trunk and did some homework.I finished what I had been assigned so far,so I figured I'd sit against the trunk and relax for the short time remaining of lunch.I looked all around me and noticed different groups of friends.They were all laughing,smiling,and just having a good time.This,of course,made me think of Ryan.All the laughs and smiles we shared were definitely fun times.I thought of all our good times together and smiled slightly with the thoughts playing in my mind.I began to feel more guilty knowing he was always smiling and I had to be the one to wipe that smile off his face.The bell suddenly rang and I snapped out of my thinking.My mind was blank,I got up and grabbed my backpack heading off to class.
Once I started heading to 6th period I was glad that the day was almost over.I walked into class and took one quick glance to Ryan.Just ignore him and leave him alone.It's for the best.Remember what Mr.Johnson told you,he needs his space so that's what I need to give him but how much space can he really get when he has to end everyday sitting right next to me?I walk over to my desk and force myself to not look to my right or give any signal of how badly I wanted to.Mrs.Jacobs decided to give us an in class assignment for the entire period and if we did not finish we would take it home for homework.She gave us the option to work with a partner or to work alone.I,of course, decided to work alone.I remained seated at my desk while other students moved around to sit with their partners.I guess Ryan decided to work alone too because he didn't move at all.I suddenly heard a girl's voice speak up and being nosy I decided to eaves drop.
"Hey there Ryan."
"So do you think you could help me with this assignment?I'm kind of stuck and I think we could both get it done faster if we work together."
"Oh sure take a seat." I looked slightly to my right trying not to make it obvious and saw the girl turn her the desk in front of Ryan around facing his,she then took a seat in it.
"I'm Angie by the way."
"Nice to meet you...umm not to be rude but how do you know my name?"
"Oh well you were introduced to the class because you were new haha.Plus a lot of my friends tend to talk about you."
"Really what about?"
"Oh all good things don't worry.Hahaha."
"I'd better hope so." They worked on the assignment together and discussed the questions.They even had some random off topic discussions every now and then.I had to admit they were really getting on my nerves.The way they were talking and laughing was extremely distracting as well as annoying.I felt like glaring at them or telling them to work some place else but I held it in because I didn't want to be rude.I finished my work in no time and was the first to turn it in.There were about ten minutes of class left and I didn't have anything to do.I took my seat and pulled out a book in my backpack to read.I opened the book to the last page I was on and looked down pretending to be focused on my book but instead I was paying very close attention to Ryan's and Angie's discussion.
"We have to get this done or else we'll have homework."
"We only have a few more left so it wouldn't be much homework anyways."
"I'd rather not have any like a normal person haha.You strange person."
"Being strange is not bad in fact to be different is to be great."
"And who said that?"
"Some dead guy.Haha."
"Ryan you're too funny!"
"Thank you thank you very much.", he said it in an Elvis Presley voice so that made Angie crack up.I just can't stand this any longer.
"Oh my god seriously stop it.You're going to make my stomach hurt."
"It wasn't that funny come on."
"Let's just get this done." They struggled on the last problem with only three more minutes of class.Only a few students had finished after me which wasn't surprising because practically everyone in class was having their own discussions.
"Hey umm do you know this problem?" It's only a short matter of time until I realize she's talking to me.I look to her with a blank expression. "Do you?"
"Let me see." She hands me her paper and I read the last question.I give her the answer and she thanks me.The two of them turn in their paper and go back to their seats.The entire class was just talking with their own little groups of friends but Mrs.Jacobs didn't seem to mind,there were only a few minutes left anyways so it didn't matter.
"So Ryan why'd you move schools?"
"Umm just some stuff with my mom's job."
"Oh well then I'm very glad you had to move.It's great meeting new people,especially ones like you."
"Like me?Haha what do you mean?"
"Well you seem sweet.I know you're funny.And I think your personality is something I would like."
"I hope so,haha"
"Don't hope I can already tell,you're a sweet guy.Maybe we should get to know each other better so I can prove it to you."
"Haha sure.I'll prove you wrong."
"You realize you're basically just calling yourself a bad person by proving me wrong haha."
"Hahaha,awww you're so cute!"
"I am not."
"Yesh you are!",she said it in a baby voice which only irritated me more.
"Haha am not."
"Look you're blushing!Haha how sweet." The period ended with the sound of the bell and their laughter.I was so annoyed by this point and I just wanted to tackle Angie to the floor.She annoyed me the most.She's so loud and obnoxious.I can't believe Ryan would even bother talking to her.I just wanted to.....wait no?What am I saying?I don't even know her,how could I judge her so quickly?All because she annoyed me with her in class discussion with Ryan I am willing to assume she is some stuck up snob.That's so rude.How could I do that?Why would I do that?What was happening to me?There was a feeling stirring up inside of me and I knew it wasn't guilt or sadness.Not even pain or anger.This feeling was different,it was like a mix of emotions and I was unfamiliar with it.As I walked off of school campus I kept wondering what this feeling was.It just kept building up more and more each minute that went by,it was aggravating to feel this and not know what it was.I soon got home and went into the bathroom.I looked in the mirror and splashed my face with warm water.I began hearing Ryan's laughter along with Angie's I even heard Mr.Johnson's voice with his closing piece of advice today.I shut my eyes trying to get their voices out of my mind but it didn't work.I just kept hearing their laughter then I shut my eyes even tighter shutting everything out;it worked this time but the feeling was still stirring inside of me.What is this feeling I just want it to stop!What am I feeling?This question just continued to ramble on in my head and then it came to me.I have never felt this way before,this emotion is nothing I have ever experienced.I have experienced pain,anger,hate,sadness,joy, and pity.I have suffered from these many different emotions but this was the absolute worst and one I resented the most.My emotions were being manipulated by the cold hard stab of jealousy.