Once the bell rang for 6th period I was a bit eager to walk into class knowing I'd see Ryan.I wasn't sure how this friend thing would turn out but so far I'm liking it.I walked into the classroom and took my seat next to Ryan.I glanced to my right and gave him a small smile and he returned the favor.In class I began to feel eyes watching me.I looked to Ryan but it wasn't him,then I looked around and saw people in class just staring at us.Maybe they were staring at Ryan?But I saw some people's eyes definitely fixed on me.I shook the feeling and got to work.
After class I began to pack up. "(YN) can I talk to you?" I look up to Ryan and nod. "Alone?"
"Sure." I put on my backpack ready to leave but he gestures for me to wait.Once everyone has left the classroom he walks and gestures for me to follow.We go in some other direction I'm unaware of.He leads us to the back of the school,there are ton of students there.I hear him sigh and then he turns to me.
"Know anyplace private?"
"My tree would probably be pretty private right now." He nods and then we walk to my tree.I was right of course,there was nobody there,no people around.We stand under the tree and Ryan begins to lean on the trunk. "May I ask what you wanted to talk about?"
"Have you noticed people looking at you weird today?" I think about the eyes focused on me in 6th period.
"Okay me too.Has anybody asked you anything?"
"What do you mean?"
"Well at lunch my friends said that they've been hearing rumors...about us."
"Us...as in you and me."
"What are they about?"
"Well apparently everyone in school thinks were dating."
It takes me a moment to grasp this, "Dating?"
"Why would they think that?"
"They see us hanging around and walking together.Plus our little yogurt trip might've tipped people off."
"But it wasn't a date?Was it?"
"No...I just invited you to have yogurt with me...As a friend!"
"How many people think this?"
"Well judging by the eyes on me today practically most the entire student body."
"Ryan what do we do?Should we tell them we're just friends."
"That's the other thing..."
"What other thing?"
"People think it's weird that you and I have been hanging out,especially since you never talk to anyone and you're always by yourself." Crap...maybe this friend thing was a bad idea.
"I'm sorry for getting you involved in this Ryan."
"Don't worry about it.I'm more concerned about you."
"Well I was afraid people might approach you and ask you a ton of questions.That would make you uncomfortable right?"
"Yeah..." I look down and I feel his presence closer.I look up and see him right before my eyes.I stare at him and he does too.I look to the side and sigh. "I'm sorry..."
"I thought you were done apologizing for nothing."
"But this isn't nothing.You're new here and rumors are already spreading about you.I'm so sorry Ryan I didn't mean for this to happen."
"Hey,it's not your fault.To be honest none of this would be happening if it weren't for me.I mean I am the one who wanted to befriend you and I did.And now I just want to get to know you better,so me hanging around with you and being seen as 'dating' is really my fault I guess.I'm sorry (YN),I don't want you involved in any of this."
"No I'm sorry,now people are going to make fun of you."
"Why would they make fun of me?" I look to Ryan and cross my arms,I begin to look down.He places his fingers on my chin lifting my head gently. "(YN) why would they make fun of me?"
"Because I'm me and you're you."
"What does that mean?"
"Ryan I'm the school loner,you're the fun cool new kid that people like.Them thinking we're going out will ruin your image." Ryan looks at me seeing that I feel guilty about everything.
"Well who says I care about my image?"
"(YN) I don't know if you think I'm some guy obsessed with perfecting his image and living up to it but I don't care.I'm a major dork and I know it so don't feel bad."
"But they'll still make fun of you because they think you would like a person like me."
"And what's wrong with that?You're a really cool person.Plus you're sweet,fun,and cute."
"You think so?" "Yes.(YN) why do you think you're not any of those things?"
"Well no one's ever told me before."
"Well now you're hearing it from me.And I'm not lying,I'm being straight out.You're pretty,funny,shy,and you have a great personality.It's a shame that no one get's to see it,nobody will ever know the awesome you that you are." He smiles.
"You think I'm awesome."
"Yes I do.Now why don't you?"
"I'm just the loner girl.I've always been that.I'm used to it.Nobody ever really likes me."
"That because you never talk to anybody haha."
"Well I'm used to being alone."
"Well do you prefer being alone or having friends?" I looked at him knowing by friends he means him.I have to admit having Ryan as a friend isn't all that bad and I have fun with him.
"Then why don't you try to be more friendly with people?"
"Because Ryan...maybe they won't turn out like you.I mean I like you but other people...they might be rude or snobby.Maybe even stuck up."
"Well that's why you get to know them first then you can go on judging them.I mean you got to know me and look what happened?Now we're friends." "Yeah and the school thinks we're dating now."
"So what if they think we're dating.It's not like we are and we know the truth if they want to believe in lies then let them."
"But what about you...I'm still worried that people will make fun of you."
"Well it'd only be about being your boyfriend.And it's not the truth so it doesn't matter.Plus,to be completely honest being rumored as your boyfriend isn't a bad thing."
"What do you mean?"
"Like I said (YN), you're pretty,cute,smart,and funny.I can go on and on but I think you get the point.Being rumored as your boyfriend isn't the worst thing in the world and I don't mind."
"No because you're (YN),and you're awesome.You're a fun sweet girl worth dating so if it's rumored that I'm dating you...I'm not ashamed about it.Not even a little bit." He smiles at me and I smile back.
I didn't know Ryan felt those things about me.Hearing him say it made me feel all warm inside.Our eyes became locked on each others,I felt compelled by them urging me closer.I leaned forward a bit more and Ryan did the same.I was in some kind of trance I couldn't help myself.I could feel Ryan's lips only inches away from mine and then centimeters.I wasn't sure what was going on but I slowly began to close my eyes.The second my eyes were shut I imagined my mother crying and yelling.The memory began to play slowly in my head.I instantly opened my eyes and pulled back.I began gasping for air and I placed my hand over my chest.I could feel my heart beating hard and fast.Ryan noticed something was wrong and asked, "What's wrong?" I look at him and my breathing slowly becomes more steady.I put my head into my hands and try my hardest to fight the feeling beginning to overtake me.I shake it off and eventually I feel myself calming down.I look to Ryan and flash a weak smile.
"Umm I'm sorry about that..."
"It's no problem really,I'm sorry about that too."
"Why are you sorry?"
"Well I just think you wouldn't do that stuff and I still went ahead anyway."
"Wait what stuff?" I look at him perplexed.
"You do know what was just about happen here don't you?" I just allow my face to give a confused expression.He begins to laugh softly.
"What's so funny?"
"Just never mind haha okay forget I said anything."
"Wait what stuff you didn't tell me?" "No you'll get all weird.I'm just sorry it happened okay."
We sit in silence for a moment.The silence helped me settle down faster and I felt a bit relaxed just sitting doing nothing.However these rumors going around school just seem to make things uncomfortable for me.I don't think I can handle anymore eyes fixed on me. "Ryan what are we gonna do?"
"I thought we agreed to just ignore them,let them believe what they want."
"But they'll question us,and they'll keep on watching us.I can't handle that."
"I know you can't but I mean what else can we do?"
"I don't know." The only way they'd leave us alone is if we didn't hang out with each other anymore...wait that's it!If we just stopped talking to each other they might leave us alone! "Ryan what if we ignored each other?"
"Think about it,people think we're dating because we're starting to hang out and spend time together."
"So you want to avoid me again?" "No not avoid just...ignore each other.I mean lets not be rude but if we stopped spending so much time together they might just leave us alone and the rumors will go away.Then they won't bother us anymore." Ryan looks a bit concerned.
"Look (YN),I get you're not comfortable with this entire thing but I mean think about it.If we ignored each other and the rumors settled down what are we gonna do after?"
"Well once the rumors settle down we could stop ignoring each other and go back to where we were."
"Right and then people will see us hanging out again and the rumors will just start again." Crap I didn't think of that.What the hell are we going to do? "I think we should just ignore them.If they bother us then say we're just friends and if they don't believe us then that's their problem."
"Ryan that's easy for you to say.I'm not used to being looked at.What if they start questioning me and they won't leave me alone?"
"Hey I know you can pull through it.Come on just be strong.Fight the nerves I'm sure you'll be fine." He smiles and I just look down.I look back up.
"Okay fine,I'll try it your way."
"Thank you.Because you know you'd be totally lost with us ignoring each other." I let out a slight giggle and playfully punch his arm. "Oww!"
"I'm sorry!Are you okay?"
"Kidding!" We both begin to laugh and then leave the school campus.Some students are still on campus and of course they were looking at us but like Ryan said,just be strong and fight the nerves.If ignoring each other isn't the better option then ignore them.
Ryan walks over to his car and calls out to me as I walk in my direction home.I walk on over and see Michelle in the driver seat. "Hello (YN)."
"Hi Michelle it's nice to see you."
"You too hun,would you like a ride home?" I look to Ryan and he shrugs his shoulders.
"Are you sure you don't mind?"
"Not at all.Now take a seat in the back." I open the back door and take my seat behind Michelle's seat.I put on my seat belt and then Michelle makes sure we're all buckled up.After her checking we drive off.Michelle as always starts a conversation. "How was school you two?"
Ryan looks at me and then back. "It was okay."
"And you (YN)?"
"Fine,you know.Same old same old."
Ryan and I both reply, "Nope."
After some more driving we arrive at my house.Ryan walks me out and then we stop at the front door. "Well I guess I'll see you later then."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah I'm fine why?"
"You look kind of down."
"Oh really?Haha." I put on a smile reassuring him that I'm okay.
"Well you're still smiling so maybe it's me."
"Haha alright I'll see you later." I open my door and watch him leave.Once he's in his car I close the door and lock it.
In my house I roam around thinking.Thinking about the rumors,thinking about school,thinking about the memory almost sticking itself into my head today,thinking about myself,I even thought about Ryan.He has already been pretty open with me after only knowing me for a few weeks and barely becoming friends for about three days.I thought this friend thing might work out with no problems but now this.I don't see how hanging out makes people think they're dating.I see tons of students on campus hanging out as guys and girls together.Sometimes I even see a guy with a bunch of girls or a girl with a bunch of guys.So what is the big deal?Why is everyone making such a big deal about me and Ryan anyway?I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I never talk to anyone and I'm usually alone but I don't know why they can't see it as being friends?We haven't done anything that shows some type of signal that were dating...have we?No I'm certain we haven't.Were just two friends spending time together and enjoying each others company.
Later that night I eat some dinner,leftovers of course,and head to my room.I begin listening to some music on my iPod but I get bored and turn it off.I eventually get in my bed and lay down.I begin thinking about the day and how things would play out tomorrow.What if they don't leave us alone?Ryan said to just ignore them but what if I don't have the strength to?But Ryan said he knows I can...Ryan believes in me.I think about this and feel that it seems pretty corny honestly to say that Ryan believes in me after only knowing each other for such a small amount of time.The next thing that pops into my head is after school today under the tree.The daze I was in...I couldn't control myself.I begin to question whether I truly was leaning forward or if it was just my imagination but how did we end up that close?Ryan might've leaned in but I felt like I was being drawn in and compelled by some sort of spell.Well this may as well be Hogwarts then.I start to wonder why I was so lost in my daze,I was staring into his eyes and then the mood just changed.Maybe I was distracted by the different mixed colors of his eyes.Then I begin to see Ryan's face so innocent and with a bit of guilt.He speaks saying he's sorry.Must be my memory from earlier today.I never did figure out what he meant when he told me, I wouldn't do that stuff.What stuff did he mean?Well he's clearly more experienced with society anyways so it makes sense for him to know and me to not.I let the thoughts roam around in my mind and I eventually just fall asleep.
In the morning I awaken to my alarm as usual and get ready.I go to check on my mom.She's asleep and she looks scared.I study her face more clearly and I notice her twitching a few times.I can see the sweat strolling down her face and then it happens.She lets out a scream and begins shouting, "No!No!No!" The sight of my mother experiencing a nightmare brings fear to me.My eyes widen and I step back.My mom continues to struggle moving around in her bed and her screams get louder.I can't stand it I squat down to the floor and place my hands over my ears.I am hurdled in a small ball and I begin to feel the sting in my eyes.I shut my eyes tight trying to imagine happy thoughts fighting the memory trying to come back wanting to invade my mind.I begin to imagine Ryan and his smile.Instant replays of our times together begin to play in my head and I can hear laughter.I hear my voice with a joyful tone.All the memories rushing through my mind.I can barely hear my mom's screams while the voices in my head of Ryan and I overpower her.Suddenly the faint scream is no more.I open up my eyes and I can feel them watery,I was probably about to shed some tears but I continue to fight the urge.I look to my mother who is sitting up in her bed panting for air.Her face is drenched with sweat and she has a sweat stain on her t-shirt over her chest area.She notices me in my little ball on the floor. "(YN) did you uhh...did you-"
"I saw it."
For a moment we remain in silence.I just stare at her,the memory haunts her to this day in the worst possible way I can imagine. "I'm sorry you had to see that.Were you-"
"I'm really sorry it's just hard for me."
"What do the doctors say?"
"You know to keep taking my medicine." She lets out a weak laugh.I know the medicine of course refers to her medication.I've known for years.I don't know why she still bothers to call it medicine instead of just being straight out.I mean the pill bottles are in the trash can and in our bathroom she's not the only one who uses it. "Dr.Tanner was actually asking about you."
"Really," I pretend to be interested by this but I really don't care;Dr.Tanner was my therapist,he also helps my mom.After the incident things became hard for the both of us so my mom thought it'd be best to get a therapist.I of course wasn't for the idea.I mean in the beginning I was open to it telling him my problems and the thoughts that haunted my mind as well as how much I hated waking up to my mother's scream but as time passed I came to realize therapy is for the weak.That's around the time I decided to completely shut everyone out.I'd rather not be weak like my mother who still goes to therapy and takes medication to help her when in reality it seems to make no difference.Sure my mom has settled down a bit from before but she still wakes up screaming from time to time.She of course is friendly to people and goes out with some friends unlike me but at the end of the day nothing has changed.I guess she thinks spending some social time helps her in some therapeutic way,I guarantee Dr.Tanner is the one who suggested it.Sure it may help for the moment,I begin to think about how she was when Ryan and Michelle were over for dinner.I guess it is a useful method but once they're gone she goes back to her hopeless self with the bearing shadow of the memory cast over her like a cloak.
I slowly get up and approach my mom I stare at her and she stares back to me. "What did Dr.Tanner want with me?"
"He was just asking how you're doing."
"Well you can tell him I'm doing fine.I have no need for him anymore if he's trying to get me to get back in there."
"He was just asking about you (YN)."
"Well tell him I'm fine and better than ever." She looks at me sincerely.I just gave my own mother attitude even raised my voice and she still did nothing.She truly is weak.I walk out the door and close it behind me.I get my stuff ready and eat a banana.I throw the peel away then head off to school.Of course I run into Ryan and try to change my mood because I was feeling pretty down since my morning with my mom.We greet each other and walk to school.
As we walk onto the school campus I notice so many eyes on us.I begin to tell myself, 'Your strong,you can pull through.Your not weak like your mother.' Ryan offers to walk me to class but I insist for him to just go to his class.In 1st I feel so many eyes watching me.It rubs me the wrong way at first but I slowly adjust.This happened in each of my classes of course.In 4th I took my seat and saw people watching me.I looked to one girl and she stared at me.I slowly turned my head and looked down.Ryan walked into the room and some students put their attention on him.I watched him and he noticed people staring so he looked towards them then looked down.He took his seat and looked back to me.He waved but didn't even give the slightest hint of a smile.I wave back and then I look down.I notice some of Ryan's friends walk into the room and they say hi to him like always.I try to ignore everyone's eyes then I look to the front of the class.I notice someone walk in and I see it's one of Ryan's friends,Derek I think.He probably noticed me watching him because he looked my way.He just stared at me and I did the same.The intensity of the stare brought great discomfort to my stomach.Even as he walked over to his desk his eyes remained focused on me.I don't think anyone's stared at me this way with such consistency.I stare at him every now and then throughout class and he does the same.Towards the end of class I look up to him and his eyes are already fixed on me.Our eyes lock and we stare for a moment.A smile then comes across his face and he mouths 'Hi',I blink breaking the eye contact and look down to my desk.
The bell then rings and I pack my things.I drop some pens and I reach down to get them but another hand beats me.I figure its Ryan so I get back up look to him and flash a sweet smile but I was wrong. "Well you're awfully cute aren't you." My smile instantly disappears. "Aww don't let that smile fade away just yet.Am I disappointment?Were you expecting someone else?" I say nothing and just stare at his face. "Well anyways I think you dropped something." He then hands me the pens and I take them. "Do I get a thank you?"
I bite the inside of my lip and allow myself one word, "Thanks."
"Anytime cutie." I watch him as he leaves the classroom then I look down and put my pens away.I notice someone staring at me but I ignore.It's just another student but I felt like I was wrong,this stare was familiar and it didn't feel threatening or interrogating.I look up and see I'm the only one in the class.I quickly put on my backpack and walk out the class.As I walk out I bump into someone and fall to the floor.I look up and see him again,Derek. "Need a hand pretty lady?" I just look up at him and he is smiling down at me offering his hand.I take it and he pulls me up. "Sorry about that.I should watch what I'm doing."
"I thought I ran into you?"
"Well then we ran into each other.That sounds pretty fair right?" He smiles at me but I don't smile back. "So where do you hang out (YN)?" I look to him and just wonder why he's bothering me.I've never spoken to him before so why does he choose now to talk to menow. "How about you just show me?" He smiles and I just bite the bottom of my lip again.
I begin to walk off but I know he's following behind me.I don't know if I should feel annoyed or nervous.I soon approach my tree and take a seat by the trunk.I look up and see Derek had followed me this entire time.I just watch him as he takes a seat next to me. "Well this is a nice tree." I just look at him in silence. "So those rumors going around huh?Have you heard?"
This rubs me the wrong way and urges me to speak. "They're not real."
"You say it in such a negative way."
"What do you mean?"
"Well you just make it seem like you're upset with the rumors."
"I am,it's lies and 100% not true.I can't believe so many people believe it."
"I know word spreads fast at this school and so much of it is just a bunch of lies."
"Have you heard anything about me?"
"Any rumors or things people say about me."
"I wouldn't know.I don't talk to anyone."
"You talk to Ryan."
"Well I'm just proving a point.He's somebody and you said you don't talk to anybody so there's a fallacy right there."
"Well aren't you the smart guy."
"I'm also charming,sweet,and a great kisser."
"You seem pretty over confident."
"I could prove it if you want."
"With some demonstration." He smiles and then begins to lean in slowly.This reminds me of yesterday with Ryan but the atmosphere is not the same exactly.I see him close his eyes and I can feel his nose gently against mine.I begin to close my eyes slowly and then I feel something on my lips.I think about it for a moment,it must be his lips as well.I find myself enjoying the sensation that is running through my entire body.I begin to realize this is a kiss.I've seen couples do it around campus and I've seen it in movies.
I can feel him slowly retreating and coming back for more.I wasn't sure what to do but just sit there and let the moment pass.Eventually he pulls back and I can no longer feel anything on my lips.I open my eyes and he does as well.He smiles and I place my finger tips over my lips.I notice them beginning to tremble and he takes my hand in his.He looks into my eyes then he plants a gentle kiss on my hand. "Told you I was a great kisser." I don't know to respond to this so I remain silent.He then begins to lean in again and I am prepared.I close my eyes awaiting his lips to be planted on mine but instead I feel his warm soft lips gently pressed against my cheek.I open my eyes and see him pulling back. "If you want more you could just ask." He smiles and something about his charm brings a smile to my face as well. "You're beautiful (YN),you know that right." My smile fades and I don't what's going on.He just kissed me and I let it happen, I didn't even fight back?I don't even know him.I never talked to him in my entire life and here he is working his charm on me planting sweet kisses on my lips,hand and cheek.He then takes my hand and starts rubbing it gently. "You know you're hands are kind of cold." He continues to rub them and this brings a pleasant feeling to me.He then pulls my hands close to his lips and then I can feel his warm breath on them,before he lets go he kisses my hand again.My mind is absolutely blank.I don't have much of a reaction to any of this and I apparently don't seem to mind.He places his hand on my cheek and strokes it gently,he places his fingers on my chin and gently lifts my head.My eyes are locked on his and he slowly pulls me towards him.He closes his eyes and I look down to his lips.I close my eyes again and then I feel his luscious lips on mine once more.I don't know what came over me but I kiss him back this time and I can feel a smile form across his lips as he continues to kiss me.Once he pulls back I slowly open my eyes and then I see Ryan for a second.I blink and then it's Derek.My mind must've been playing tricks on me.Derek is smiling at me. "Well you know what you're doing.Is this your first time?" I assume he means at kissing and it was.I nod and he smiles. "Well you're a great kisser too (YN),if you want some more practice I'm willing to volunteer." He winks and then begins to lean in again.He gives me quick soft kiss and pulls back.Just then,the bell rings and he gets up.I watch him leave and he looks back flashing me a smile.I get up and walk to my 5th period.In class I couldn't help but wonder why I let this happen and why I saw Derek as Ryan after kissing him that second time.All these thoughts ran through my mind and I was too occupied thinking to even bother about the eyes staring at me.What just happened?I kept asking myself why?How?What?Why did I let this happen?How could I not stop this from happening?What the hell just happened?