I'm still in minor shock after that sudden kiss;I didn't even bother to go running after (YN) or call her name to stop.After a brief moment I finally begin to feel my senses returning to me I look to the abandoned swing next to me where (YN) was sitting and I imagine her there crying.I get up and look around me.I suddenly begin to remember that (YN)'s mom is worried sick about her,I hope she returned home.I then rush to (YN)'s house wanting to make sure she's home safe and sound.When I arrive I knock on the door and (YN)'s mom answers it.
"Sorry to be a bother but I just wanted to make sure (YN) was home."
"Yes she came back,thank you for checking.It's very selfless of you."
"Can I see her?"
(YN)'s mom then looks inside turning her head back and then looks back to me,she says, "I'm sorry but right now isn't a good time."
"Oh well is she alright?"
"She is but I think it's best if she doesn't see anyone right now."
"Oh okay,I understand."
"Thank you for your concern though.We appreciate it."
She begins to close the door but then I speak up, "Ms.(Your last name),"
She pauses slightly and looks to me.
"I just want you to know that I'm really sorry about what happened to your family...you and (YN) both must've been through so much."
She understands what I'm talking about and I think she's just surprised that I'm aware of their situation.She smiles slightly and then nods.She then mouths, "Thank you." and closes the door.I'm left standing on the porch with nothing to do but just go home.
When I get home I'm surprised to see my mom standing in the living room with her arms crossed.I bite my bottom lip knowing that I'm in trouble.
"So where were you this morning,huh?"
"I went to go see (YN)."
"Really?What's that on your shirt?"
I look down and I see the big tear stain (YN) left me.
"I was running around a lot so I sweat."
"So you only sweat on the right side of your chest." She says sarcastically.
"The human body is a weird thing."
I then make my way towards the stairs and go halfway up I pause when I hear my mom say, "You know I don't appreciate you taking advantage of my leniency." I then head to the bottom of the stairs and look to her with her arms still crossed over her chest.
"What is it?I told you I went to see (YN),don't you like her?"
"Of course I do but I'd rather that you let me know that you're leaving the house early in the morning so I don't go crazy looking for you when I wake up."
"I'm sorry I didn't want to wake you."
"Well next time mind my bed head and let me know,please?"
"Okay I'm sorry mom,it won't happen again."
"What were you two doing anyway?"
I begin to remember some scenes from earlier today.I have to respect (YN)'s privacy.I'm sure she doesn't want me to go around telling people about her tragic story about her dad.I know that I wouldn't like it so I have to respect her by not telling anyone.
"We just talked about the dance last night."
"Any special developments in your relationship?"
"What?No,were just friends."
I begin to remember the kiss earlier.What was that for?Was it a gesture of appreciation to me comforting her or did she just kiss me because?
"No kisses on the cheek yet or holding hands?"
"Nope,these are a pair of virgin lips." Of course I'm lying I'm not going to tell my mom that (YN) has kissed me before and even earlier today.
"Well alright then,go upstairs and do your homework or something."
"What about breakfast?"
"Make yourself some cereal,your punishment for leaving without my permission is not eating a homemade breakfast."
I playfully roll my eyes and then head upstairs.I quickly change my shirt and toss the one with a tear stain into the hamper in my room.I look to it and the image of (YN) leaning into my chest comes to mind.I find myself smiling at the thought but I shake the thought off immediately after I realize I'm thinking about it.
I head downstairs and make myself a bowl of cereal.As I'm eating,thoughts about the dance last night begin to pop into mind.I continue to eat cereal as thoughts of (YN) continuously pop into mind.I hear my mom say, "What are you thinking about?" and then I snap back into reality.I look to her and she looks to me with a smile.
"What is it?"
"You were thinking about something."
"So what is it?"
"Why do you care?"
"Because you were smiling,must be a pretty happy thought don't you think?"
I didn't even realize I was smiling!I'm so embarrassed.I feel my face warm up a little and then my mom begins to laugh and tease me.
"Were you thinking about (YN)?"
"N-no!Not at all!"
"Look at you!You're blushing!That's so sweet!"
"Mom!I wasn't thinking about (YN)!" Yes I'm lying,I'm not going to admit something embarrassing like that.
"Oh fine finish your cereal."
I finish my cereal looking down embarrassed.When I finish I take my bowl to the sink so I can wash it.I begin to wash my bowl and spoon but suddenly (YN)'s face pops into mind and she's smiling sweetly as ever.I begin to hear her laugh and I can't help but think how cute she is.I suddenly hear my mom say, "Ryan don't let the water run you're wasting it!" It brings me back to my senses and I look down to the bowl and sponge in my hands.I finish washing my dish then I head back up to my room.I start working on some homework,as I'm working I get stuck on a math problem.I try thinking about it but (YN)'s face suddenly comes to mind instead.I feel myself blush at the thought and I try to shake the thought out of my head.I think about the problem some more and I get to work until I finish.When I finish I lie down on my bed relaxing.I close my eyes and then the scene of (YN) kissing me earlier pops up in my head.I immediately open my eyes and then I place my finger tips over my lips.It's almost as if I can still feel her kiss;I don't mind the feeling but it only seems to make me feel a bit confused.I try not to think about it too much but I keep having thoughts of (YN) flood my mind.I'm not sure what's going on but I kind of like it.
When morning came I got up to get ready for school.I ate an apple and then I head over to (YN)'s house.When I arrived I was a bit more eager to see (YN) than usual,I found it kind of strange but I didn't think to much about it.I approached her door and gave it a knock,I awaited patiently for her to answer but she didn't.I knocked again thinking she probably didn't hear it but still no answer.I began to knock a little louder hoping she'd hear.I hear some footsteps and I put on my best smile,when the door was answered I was surprised to see (YN)'s mom.
"Oh Ryan what are you doing here?Shouldn't you be at school?"
"Well actually I was going to walk to school with (YN),is she awake?"
"Awake?Well she's already gone,I'm sure she went walking already.You should do the same,don't want to be late now do we."
"Oh,okay thanks anyways."
I head off to school in hopes of not begin late.Did I wake up late so she got tired of waiting for me and left on her own?Well I guess I can't blame her for that.When I arrive at the school I realize that I had no reason to rush there's still plenty of time to kill.I head towards my class and wait patiently for the teacher to arrive.
The school day goes on and I find myself just wanting the day to end,I was really looking forward to walking home with (YN) for some reason,maybe because we didn't get to walk to school together.When fourth period comes around I walk in and take my desk.I look over to (YN) and wait for her to notice me but she just remains looking down.I just let her be and then talk to my other friends in the class.When the class period ends I pack my stuff and walk over to (YN)'s desk.She's packing her stuff and when she gets up to leave she stands right in front of me with our bodies only inches away from each other.She looks up at me with a blank expression and then she looks down.She then take a few steps back.
"I'm sorry I didn't mean to-,"
"It's cool I'm sorry for being in your way."
"No I'm fine I just...umm never mind."
"Should we go?"
"To lunch at the tree.Shall we?"
"Oh that right I uhh...well I actually have a lot of homework so I want to get as much done as possible."
"Oh want to work on it together?I could help."
"No that's okay I just really need to concentrate alone for awhile.I'm sorry."
"It's okay,I could just hang out with the guys."
She leaves the classroom and I'm left a bit disappointed that I didn't get to hang out with her.Well there's always sixth period and if that doesn't work out we always have after school.I head over to the lunch spot where the guys hang out and I greet everyone.I take a seat by Derek but he doesn't say anything.I hear some of the guys talking about the Buddy Dinner but I don't say anything.I suddenly hear my name called so I pay attention and ask what they want.
"You went to that Buddy Dinner thing right?"
"Who did you go with?"
"Is it (YN)."
"Yeah so what?"
"Nothing,I just saw you two together,you seemed like you were having a lot of fun."
"Yeah I think we both had a great night."
"She looked pretty good in that red dress too.Did you think so?"
"Well she looked nice."
"Nice?You got to see her in a short,red,strapless dress and all you can say is she looked nice."
"Well I just don't want to talk about her in that way you know."
"And what way is that?"
"Well you guys are basically like checking her out.Am I right?"
"Like you don't!"
"I tend to focus more on her smile and eyes."
"So are you two dating or what?"
"No haha just friends."
"Is that a problem?"
"No it's just I thought you two would've developed something by now."
"What is that supposed to mean?"
"Well I mean you two do spend a lot of time together plus she is pretty cute.You aren't attracted to her or anything?"
"Well I think she's cute."
"You haven't even stolen a kiss or two?"
I think for a moment and realize that I haven't stolen a single kiss from (YN),the two times we've kissed was her kissing me;I still haven't kissed her back either but I have to admit there were times where we'd almost kiss that I really wanted to.I decide to stay private and not mention anything about this so I just say, "No,were just friends."
"Don't lie to me Ryan."
"Haha I'm not." Of course I am.
"Well even if he has it doesn't matter," We both turn our attention to Derek.
"Let's not forget who stole a kiss first." Derek then smirks and then he turns his attention to the other guys joining their conversation.
What he said really agitated me but I try my best to ignore the feeling.Derek and I both know that he kissed (YN) and that was most likely (YN)'s first kiss but for him to bring it up in front of me like that and with the other guys around listening is rude.It's also disrespectful to (YN),I don't know why but I'm more bothered that he disrespected (YN) than that he upset me.
In fifth period all I could think about was Derek's remark.I couldn't help myself to try and force it out of my mind;it just bothered me so much.I began to think of (YN) and Derek kissing,the thought truly aggravated me.I knew that the thought of the two of them bothered me before but this time it was ten times worse especially now that I know Derek has a certain interest in (YN) but whatever reason it is I don't know why.He hasn't even talked to her.Honestly every guy that says (YN) is cute and doesn't mind dating her or claims that they like her are all idiots!How can they like her when they don't even know her?I think if they got to know her then I'd understand,she is a likeable person but they've never even spoken to her once or hung out with her like I do!In fact I have every right to like her way more than they do!I mean she's pretty,she's smart.Plus she's sweet and sensitive;she's also adorably shy and easily embarrassed but it all really just helps to make her seem more cute than she already is.She's funny and innocent.She is definitely fun to be around and when she laughs she's like the happiest girl in the world.Just hearing her laugh reassures me that she's enjoying herself and when she smiles I can't help but smile too.Her eyes just cast their own spell on me sometimes but I kind of like it.When our eyes lock it's like were in our own little world for a moment and nobody can ruin it except us.A feeling begins to grow in my stomach and and I start feel a bit warm and fuzzy inside.I like it but I suddenly start feeling myself blush.What the heck is this feeling and why do I find myself enjoying it?It's kind of like being nervous but in a more positive way.This has to deal with (YN) in some way since I just started feeling it while thinking about her but I can't quite grasp what it is.
My stomach began to settle down throughout fifth period but when it ended and it was time to go to sixth...the feeling returned in a flash.I head to class with the feeling still stirring around inside of me;the second I step foot in the room I felt my stomach burst!I looked to (YN) and I began to grow extremely nervous.I walked over to my desk taking a seat beside her and I tried to fight the overwhelming feeling that continued to grow as I sat right beside her.I wanted to say hi but I couldn't bring myself to,I was too nervous.Why can't I talk to her?It's just the same as before,so why am I feeling no nervous?
I went the entire class period without saying a word or even bothering to look at her.If I attempted my stomach would just be flooded with unease and I'd probably end up saying something stupid.Then again I've said stupid stuff in front of her before so why should I care now?!When the bell rang and I was packed and ready to go,I decided to try talking to her.I bit the inside of my cheek and looked over to her slowly.Oh god why slowly?!That will just make me seem like a creep!I see her packing her things so I wait when I see that she's done packing up everything I decide to try and speak but what the hell do I say?!I try to think of a well thought out greeting to say but none of them sound good in my head.I finally just manage to let out, "Hey there," and then I replay it in my head checking if it sounded out of the ordinary.
She looks to me and says, "Oh hi,"
It's silent for a moment.Were the only two kids in class now but I think Mrs.Jacobs is still in the room.(YN) is looking down shyly and I can't help but think how extremely cute she looks like that.
"If your going to flirt please do it outside of my classroom,school is over now so you can leave." I look to Mrs.Jacobs who clearly wants us out of her classroom.I can't help but blush to what she said and I look down hiding my face embarrassed.
(YN) then makes her way out of the classroom and I follow behind.We walk out of school together and begin to walk off of the school campus.When were just about off of the school campus (YN) stops so I decide to stop too.She looks back at me and then approaches me but remains a few feet away.
"Ryan I should probably walk alone.I don't want any distractions."
"I-I'm a distraction?"
"I just...I think that we should give each other some space for a while."
"It's not bad or anything I just think we should stick to ourselves for a while."
"Well my grades have been slipping and I want to raise them up so we should stop hanging out for a while."
"Oh," I don't know why but I suddenly begin to feel a bit depressed.
"It's nothing personal it's just...school..."
"Can I ask you something first?"
"Where were you this morning?"
"What do you mean?"
"I went to your house so we could walk to school but your mom said you weren't there...that you had already left."
"Oh,I uhh left early I wanted to study for a quiz in my first period so I just arrived extra early.Sorry for troubling you."
"Should I come tomorrow?"
I look at her confused.
"I mean umm no it's okay,I think we should start getting to school on our own too."
"So no more walking to school together?"
"Well I guess I'll see you around then."
I turn around and walk back towards the school,I decide to call my mom to pick me up since walking home would be boring anyways and if I did I'd go in the same direction as (YN) for most of the walk.My mom says she's on her way and I just wait patiently at the front of the school for her.While I'm waiting I look around me and see friends hanging out in groups.I wish I could be with (YN) right now walking,talking,and laughing like usual but she doesn't want any distractions.I continue to look around and I saw a few couples around.They're all either kissing,holding hands,or hugging.I begin to think that (YN) and I have done pretty much all of those things but just as friends.I begin to think of her and I start imagining ourselves as a couple.I begin to think of us holding hands as we walk home and kissing each other goodbye when we part ways.I feel a smile come across my face but I come back to my senses soon after I realize what the hell I'm thinking about.(YN) and I are just friends,nothing more.
My mom's car suddenly pulls up and I head over to it.I hop in the passenger's seat and then my mom says, "How was school?"
"Fine," I tell her.
"Does (YN) want a ride?"
"She already went home."
"You didn't walk with her?"
"She said she didn't want any distractions."
"Are you serious?"
"Kids are still using that line?What else did she say she wants to focus on her studies?"
"What the hell did you do?!"
"What do you mean what did I do?"
"(YN) is clearly avoiding you,did you two hang out at school today?"
"WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?!"
"Nothing I swear!"
It grows silent in the car and my mom just says, "Alright,we'll talk about this at home." My mom then drives off and we soon arrive home.We get out of the car and head into our house.When we get inside I head up to my room and toss my backpack on the floor.I head back downstairs and my mom is standing in the living room with her arms crossed over her chest and leaning in a position so that her hip is sticking out.She then raises an eyebrow and I feel a bit nervous about what she has to say.
"What did you do to (YN)?"
"Don't lie to me!"
"Then why would she be avoiding you?!"
"I don't know!"
"Did you do something at the dance?Oh no did you try and kiss her?!"
"Then why is she avoiding you?!"
"I don't-," I think for a moment and then I realize maybe it was Saturday morning.
"What did you do?"
I look down guilty and then I speak. "Saturday when I went to go hang out with her I went to her house but she wasn't there."
"Her mom said...she ran away and I went to go look for her.I found her at the park on a swing by herself...she was crying."
"Look (YN) and her mom went through a traumatic experience and to this day it seems to still bother them."
"They seem completely fine to me."
"I know,they probably don't want people thinking their different or to have pity for them."
"What did they go through?"
"I can't say,it'd be disrespecting (YN)'s privacy and her trust in me."
"Well aren't you the protective guy."
"She's my friend."
"Okay I still don't understand why she would avoid you for that."
"Well (YN) never told anyone about what she went through so when she told me,I guess it opened some old wounds and now she's trying to cope with it.I'm such a jerk making her talk about her past with me like that.I should've just respected her privacy and let it be."
"At least you helped her see she can be open with someone and be able to rely on people."
"I think she hates me..."
"She doesn't hate you,I'm sure she just needs her space right now and in time she'll be okay to being your friend again."
"But I don't want her avoiding me."
"Just for now,it'll be back to normal soon."
"Okay,for her I'll deal with it.Just as long as she gets better."
So I decided to give (YN) her space.It wasn't so difficult at first but as time went on,it got harder and harder leave her alone.It didn't help that every time I was near her I'd get extremely nervous and since we weren't talking I just grew to miss her making the feeling within me develop growing harder and harder to control.Sometimes we'd bump into each other and make a few seconds of eye contact but I would quickly break it since I knew I had to give her space.
Weeks went by without talking to (YN) and I didn't know how much more of this I could take.I wasn't a loner or anything,I mean I still had my friends but I didn't feel so comfortable around Derek.Ever since that rude remark I just don't know how to feel around him anymore.Meanwhile,I was still struggling with having to give (YN) her space and I was still dealing with this stupid feeling continuing to grow inside of me.I thought it'd be gone in a day or two but it just can't seem to go away,only grow!I don't mind this feeling it's just that it really confuses me and I don't know how I should feel about all of it.
After school I waited for my mom to pick me up and I watched (YN) walk home.I guess I didn't notice I was watching her this entire time but I realized it when she looked back and I found her looking to me.I looked down embarrassed and waited for a good amount of time to pass before I looked up again.When I did,thankfully she was back to walking straight ahead on her way home.Why do I feel so depressed watching her go?It's pretty much been like this for the past few weeks,I would leave class without her and watch her leave as I waited for my mom.
I saw my mom's car pulling up so I made my way to the car,I got in and she asked me how was my day I said it was fine and we drove home.When we got home I head up to my room and did my homework.When I finished I lie down in bed with my hands rested behind my head.I began to think of (YN) again but it was starting to bother me.I don't think I can go another day not talking to each other,I really miss her...more than ever.And now I'm constantly thinking about her day and night.Why do I keep thinking about her?I've never thought about her this much before and I'm practically agonizing over not being able to talk to her right now.My mom calls me down for dinner so I try to force every thought out of my mind until it's blank so I can eat dinner in peace.My mom has already served my plate so I just take my seat and we begin our dinner.
"How's (YN)?" Why would she ask that?I was doing fine until she asked that.
"I wouldn't know,I haven't talked to her in weeks."
"Well does she look happy?"
"I don't know.Honestly mom I can't take another day of this."
"What do you mean?"
"I miss (YN) alright,I just want things to go back to the way they were.I miss my friend.I wish she never told me about her dad so that way I wouldn't have to give her space.I know it's a selfish thing to ask but I just want her back in my life."
"You sound a bit over dramatic don't you think?"
"I don't care,I'm tired of not talking to her and I just wish she'd stop avoiding me.Why can't she just talk to me again?"
"Well you did say it was a traumatic experience."
"But why does she have to leave me like this?Can't she see I'm miserable without seeing her smiling face every morning?That I have to go day by day wishing to hear her laugh that I know I won't hear.Having to spend everyday looking forward to seeing her but dreading the day to go on because I know we won't even acknowledge each other.This entire predicament sucks!I just want my friend back..."
It grows silent.
"Ryan can I ask you something?"
"Why am I overreacting?I don't know."
"Do you think that maybe you might like her?"
I don't respond immediately but when I do I say, "What does that have to do with anything?"
"Well you're over here reacting like it's the end of the world."
"I just miss her!"
"You don't need to act out like this though."
"Whatever,you're just trying to tease me again."
"No I'm serious this time,I think you may like her."
"How can you be sure?"
"Well you seem to be overreacting to this,it's normal to miss her but you're making it seem like she's on the other side of the world."
I look down embarrassed.
"Hey,it's alright to like a girl especially when it's a girl like (YN).I can understand why you'd like her,she's a sweet girl."
"She's more than just a sweet girl.She's smart,funny,cute,and her smile just catches your eye immediately.Her laugh makes me smile and I love hearing it.Then there's her eyes that just make you want to stare into them forever.I love that I can goof off with her and just be a complete dork but she won't mind it.And now I can't go a day without thinking about her because she's just this amazing girl that I can't get off of my mind."
"Is that all?"
"What do you mean is that all?"
"Doesn't sound amazing to me."
"Well she is!"
"How can you tell?"
"Because I like her!"
I then see a smile come across my mom's face,she then says, "Took you long enough to realize it."
"You just admitted you like (YN)."
"Yup,you apparently love seeing her smile,hearing her laugh,and staring into her eyes.She's an amazing girl according to you."
I look down embarrassed and I feel my face burning up.I begin to hear my mom laughing but I ignore it.All I can worry about now is the fact that I just admitted I like (YN) and in front of my mom too.
"Don't be embarrassed,I think it's sweet."
"W-what do I do?"
"I would see if she likes you back."
"But were not talking."
"Mmm,Fridays are good days for solving problems don't you think?Until then you can try and figure out what to say."
"What if she doesn't like me?"
"She's crazy if she doesn't,my son is a catch."
She smiles at me and it makes me feel a little better.
"But what do I say?"
"Everything you told me seems pretty good,maybe with a bit more of a romantic tone."
We continue to eat our dinner but I can't really enjoy it.All I can think about during dinner is (YN).I like her,I really like her.I never thought I would come to like her but what if she doesn't like me?What if she does?Will we develop our relationship into officially being a couple?Auuggh!I can't think about all of this now it'll only make me stress out!I just have to wait until Friday,until then I have to think of all the right things to say and how I will say it.Friday is the day I'm going to confess my feelings to (YN),I kind of hope that she feels the same way.