I couldn't believe it...I was jealous.Jealous...why was I jealous?It didn't take long for me to understand that the cause of my jealousy was Ryan and Angie earlier today.This is all their fault,but maybe it's my own fault,am I so weak that I allow my emotions to take over and grow with the lack of control that I have?No,I refuse to be weak.I am nothing like my mother.I have been fine for so many years unlike her who suffocates her life with memories of that day.I can control my emotions and get everything together.I'm sure I was just bothered by the two of them talking the entire period since it was extremely distracting and barely allowed me to concentrate.Yeah that's it,I was simply annoyed.
As the day continued I forced myself to ignore any emotion to enter or stir up within me.I had no homework to do since I finished it all so I distracted myself by walking around and watching some TV.I eventually grew extremely bored and thought maybe it'd be fun to cook something.I googled chocolate chip cookie recipes.I clicked on one and thankfully I had everything I needed in order to bake them.I took out everything the recipe asked for and then I preheat the oven.I started making the cookie dough and it was a bit of work but kind of fun.Once the cookie dough was complete I began to roll chunks of it into little balls.I placed them on the tray with enough space so they wouldn't end up baking together,like the instructions said.
Soon enough I finished making all the cookie dough into balls and placed them all on the trays.I placed the two trays,I had needed to place the cookie dough balls on,into the oven and started the timer for fifteen minutes.As I waited I walked around the house and then watched some more TV.I saw that Pretty In Pink was on so I watched that.As the time passed I grew more and more bored with each minute that passed.I had nothing to do but this is the way things were practically my entire life so why am I bothered by it now?I heard a ding and I headed to the kitchen figuring it was the cookies.I put on oven mitts and opened the oven,I felt an extreme sensation of heat rush to my face but I ignored it pulling out the trays.I placed the two of them on racks so they wouldn't get any surface heated up;I set them down to cool off and went back to watching TV.After some time passed I went to check on the cookies and grabbed a plate;I piled the cookies carefully onto the plate and then took one.I took a bite and I had to admit I was a pretty good cookie baker.I ate two more after that and then I put them away in a plastic container storing them in the fridge.Night approached and I decided to just get ready for bed;it was Friday so it didn't matter if I stayed up late but I had nothing better to do than sleep.I changed into some sweats and a baggy T-shirt then got comfy in bed.I shut my eyes and drifted to sleep.
I found myself in a dark place;it felt eerie and lifeless.I wandered around what seemed like an endless world.This place seemed familiar but I had no memory of it whatsoever.As I walked I began to hear sobbing.I looked all around but saw no form of life anywhere around me.I continued to walk and the sobbing grew stronger;I looked up ahead to see a dark figure not far.It was hunched over kneeling on the floor.I approached it carefully and I immediately knew all the sobbing was coming from this figure.I came towards it slowly unsure of what it was and then I knelt down beside it.It almost looked like it could be a person;I looked at the figure and studied it carefully.I was pretty sure it was a person;I slowly reached my hand out and gently placed my hand on what appeared to be their shoulder.The sobbing stopped and I felt a shudder.My hand remained placed on the shoulder and the figure began to move,it looked up and I saw a face,a human face.I was relieved to find it was just another person and not some monster.It was dark so I could barely see the person's face but I could tell it was a boy.
"Who are you?"
"My name is (YN)."
"Why are you here?"
"I can't answer that question for you,because I haven't even answered it for myself."
I watched him as he studied me probably figuring out if I was worthy of trusting.I suddenly caught a glimpse of his eyes and they were gorgeous looking but seemed oddly familiar.
"Can I trust you?"
"Sure you can." I gave a smile.
"Can I really really trust you?"
"Yeah of course."
"You'll never hurt me?"
I got up and let out my hand for him.He reached for it and took it.His hands were soft and warm.I felt comforted by them being in this place and I didn't want to let go.I felt him beginning to pull his hand away but I firmed my grasp on it.He stopped and looked to me.
"Are you scared?"
"Are you sure?"
"I don't get scared."
"Sure you say that but your only running from the truth."
"How would you know?"
"The sense of your hand,it's tense and a bit cold."
"It's not your fault your hand is cold or that your scared,it's natural so don't apologize when you have nothing to apologize for."
"Just stop apologizing,you don't have to."
"Oh right sor-,"
"Stop it!You haven't done anything wrong so don't apologize."
Something about this discussion seemed familiar but I didn't bother to think about it any longer.I just remained with my hand in his and we wandered the empty world.It was still pretty dark so I couldn't fully see his face but something about him seemed oddly familiar.I began to wonder why he was crying earlier.
"Why were you crying earlier?"
"Because I was upset."
"Just some personal issues."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
"I'd rather not,I'm sorry."
"Oh,it's okay then." We continued to walk but it was silent.I didn't like the silence so I figured I'd just speak up.
"It's pretty dark here."
"Yes but that's why you have people to guide you.Things are easier when working with someone,just as friends make life better."
"Right...friends,I'm not so sure I'm very good in that category."
"Well I've always been the secluded type and I kind of preferred it that way."
"As in the past?"
"Well I guess so...anyways I recently made a new friend but that didn't turn out so great.I guess I'm just one of those people that's destined to be alone forever."
"No one is meant to be alone...at least not for eternity.I'm sure you'll make more friends."
"I'm not very social though."
"Then that's your problem."
"What do you mean?"
"You're your own obstacle in life.Until you learn to be open with yourself then you will be open with others as well."
"I'm not sure I understand?"
"Soon you will." With those final words he vanished into thin air,I felt lost and I was alone.I was definitely scared now.I was alone in a dark secluded place and I had no idea how to leave.I began running around trying to find my way out but it was no use.I looked all around and began to panic.I fell down to the floor and decided to just give up and stay stranded in this empty darkness forever.I looked around and then I saw a faint light not far.I immediately got up and ran towards it.It grew brighter with every step I took and I couldn't be any happier.This was it,my way out I'm finally gonna leave this place.As I came close to the light I began to hear soft whispers.These voices sounded familiar.I continued to run but the sudden sound of a voice saying, "(YN) won't you let us help you?" made me pause and I stared at the light.Oh no,not this again.
"We just want to help you (YN),please let us help you."
"I don't need any help just get away!" I immediately turn the opposite direction and bolt off.My chest is pounding and I really can't think of any other direction to go in but straight.
"Wait (YN) please come back."
I didn't bother looking back,that would only slow me down.I was in a panic and my adrenaline was kicking in.I could hear my heart beating louder and louder.I kept running faster and faster but I suddenly tripped and fell.I could see the light getting bigger and it was moving directly towards me.I was paralyzed in shock;the only thing I could manage to do was let out a scream.
I suddenly awoke in my bed and looked around my room.I was covered in sweat and I could feel my heart practically beating out of my chest.It was only a dream,but I found it oddly strange that I was dreaming about that mysterious light again.I looked at my alarm clock and saw that it was around 5 in the morning.I was far to awake now to even go back to sleep so I sat up in bed for some time.I decided to just get up and do something else.I wandered around my house and then I walked to my mom's door.I opened it a tiny bit and checked on her,not wanting her to have a break down with me in there,I quietly closed the door and then went to the living room.It was Saturday so I had nothing to worry about getting ready for;I went to the living room and turned on the TV.I was scrolling through the channels but couldn't find anything I wanted to watch.I ended up changing it to the biography channel and one of my favorite shows was on,I survived.I watched the entire episode and then it was 6.What could I do now,maybe I could eat an early breakfast.I decided to just eat 3 cookies with milk.
Once I finished my breakfast I still had a lot of time to spare until my mom would wake up,it was the weekend so,like any other person,she prefers to sleep in on these days.I decided to just listen to some music and tidy up the house a little,it wasn't dirty or anything but what else could I do?I managed to tidy up my room,the living room,kitchen,and dining room before my mom woke up.I don't think she noticed my effort to clean the house but I didn't really mind.
"Morning mom,did you sleep well?" Such a stupid question.
"Oh yeah...great actually." She gives a big wide smile so I just give a weak one back.
"Oh (YN) I'm going out today so you'll probably be home alone for awhile,can you manage?"
"I'm pretty sure I mean I'm alone practically the entire week,on weekends your usually here but I'm sure one more day won't hurt." I say the last part sarcastically and my mom smiles lightly then playfully roles her eyes.
"If don't you mind my asking,what are you doing?"
"Just a day out with some friends." My mom is going to spend a day with her friends?How ironic,she lives a better social life than me and yet she's the one most traumatized.My mom made some eggs and bacon;she asked me if I wanted some but I told her I ate already.She ate her breakfast and then hopped in the shower,I just sat in the living room reading a book.She soon finished and then came out in her robe with a towel wrapped around her head.
"Do you think you could help me decide on what to wear?"
"Well I guess so...I don't think I'm like a stylist or anything." She smiled then walked into her room gesturing me to follow her.She was going through her closet and then stopped to look to me.
"I don't know what to wear?"
"Well where are you going?"
"I don't know it's just a girls day out."
"I would dress a bit casual but still look nice,not too nice but a bit over something like a jeans and a top.You should try to wear something comfortable if your gonna be out all day."
"And you said you weren't a stylist."
"Well I'm not."
"Your talking to me like I'm your fashion model and your telling me what to wear."
"I'm just making suggestions." I then started going through her closet and found a pair of jeans.I thought maybe if she wore a nice top and jacket over it she'd be fine.I gave her my suggested outfit and she immediately changed.When she finished changing she stepped out asking me how she looked,I recommenced her to wear some jewelry if she had any but not to go over the top,just like a ring and bracelet maybe even a cute necklace.She took my advice and she looked fine.Now she just needed the right shoes.We went through her shoes and I told her she shouldn't wear heels or boots because she'll probably be walking around and her feet will end up hurting.We found some platforms that matched her outfit and I asked her if they hurt her;she said she wasn't sure so she tried them on and walked around in them for a bit.She seemed fine and decided she'd wear the platforms.At last my work here was done.I went back into the living room and began reading my book again.
My mom got her purse and started getting everything she figured she'd need.She kept double checking things and making sure she had everything.I think after a few minutes she was finally ready.She decided to take a seat beside me on the sofa.I ignored her but then she of course had to begin a conversation.
"So how has school been for you?" I closed my book placing the bookmark inside so I wouldn't lose my page.
"It's been okay,I guess."
"Yeah I mean...same old same old I suppose."
"No boys have asked you to go out with them or anything like that?" Where was she going with this?I mean we never really talked before so why now?
"Nope all the guys at my school are idiots." Derek immediately pops into my mind after making this statement.
"I'm sure not all of them."
"Nope all of them."
"What about Ryan?He doesn't seem so bad." Oh that's right,she doesn't know that Ryan is upset with me and wants nothing to do with me.I decide to avoid telling the truth about what happened at all costs.
"Well he's okay then I guess."
"He's a very handsome young man.He seems like a nice boy."
"Gee mom then why don't you date him." I didn't mean to but my tone came out extremely rude with a hint of annoyance.
"(YN) please don't give me attitude,I am your mother and I deserve your respect." I remain silent and just stare at her.
"I'm sorry...I didn't mean for it to come out that way,honest." She studies my face and she sighs.
"Alright I believe you but I just want to try spending some time with you,I never see you and it makes me feel like a terrible mother."
"Well you're not,I don't mind being alone and like I said before I'm used to it so it doesn't really matter to me."
"Oh okay,just promise me one thing?"
"What is it?"
"If you ever feel the need to talk to me even if it's just a question on homework...please tell me.I want you to know I'm here for you always...even if I'm asleep at 3 in the morning I'll be willing to listen.I'm always here for you (YN)." She smiles and I notice her eyes are a tad bit watery,suddenly I see a single tear run down her cheek.I smile and then give her a hug.
"I promise." I then take her pinky in mine and she looks at me confused.
"It's something Ryan showed me awhile ago,it's called a pinky promise." I give a smile and she does too.We do our pinky promise and then just remain seated.My mom decides she's thirsty and gets a glass of water;she suddenly begins to panic as she barely remembered she forgot to put on her makeup.She rushed to the bathroom with her makeup kit and she comes out of the bathroom in about 10 minutes.She's not wearing too much makeup and you can hardly tell she's even wearing any.She's wearing some mascara and eyeliner along with some foundation and the tiniest hint of blush.I think she may be wearing a bit of eye shadow but it's hard to tell;her look is topped off with a pretty shade of some red lipstick.It's not too dark or bright;it's a lighter shade of red and looks very nice on her.I admire how nice she looks,it's nothing compared to how she looked the night we had dinner with Ryan and his mom but she still looks great.Just then the doorbell rings and my mom answers the door.I hear her say "Hi," and make real small talk then she walks inside with Michelle following behind her.She instantly grows a huge smile on her face once she sees me;she goes up to me and I get up to give her a hug.
"Hi sweety how are you I feel like I haven't seen you around in a while."
"Oh well it's great to see you."
"You too.How have you been?"
"Oh you know same old same old." Seeing Michelle makes me think about Ryan.Is he here?
"Umm is Ryan here?"
"Oh no,I told him I was going to your house and asked if he wanted to come but he said he had too much homework.I tried to convince him by telling him you might be able to help him with his homework and then he could get it done faster but you know how teenage boys are, stubborn and hardheaded." I laugh a little and she joins in for a bit.I guess he really doesn't want to see me,that was probably just an excuse so he wouldn't have to come see me.The thought kind of hurt I had to admit but I wouldn't let that bother me and eat away at my brain any longer.I just had to accept the fact that Ryan needed his space and he's really upset right now.
"So (YN) will you be joining us for our girls day out?" I look down and realize I'm still in my pajamas.
"Doesn't look that way haha.Where are you two even going?"
"Well being new to the neighborhood and all I've been meeting a few new people and I was invited to this girls day out thing.I asked if it'd be okay if I could bring someone else with me and instantly thought of your mother.I was so glad when she agreed to come." I looked to my mom and she was smiling,I gave a weak smile then I looked back to Michelle.
"I wish you could come with us,maybe next time."
"Are you going to be here alone?"
"Oh well yeah..."
"Are you going to be okay by yourself?"
"Yeah I'll be fine don't worry about me,go have fun." Michelle looks at me and then she pulls out a pen and paper from her purse;she begins to write something down.
"Here,this the number to my house.If you have any problems just call,Ryan is home so he should pick up.You could even call if you just want to talk to him or if you want to ask him to come over.I don't mind."
"Are...are you sure?"
"Of course sweetheart,I mean your a sweet girl and your Ryan's friend.Feel free to call the number whenever you want.Paste it on your wall or something if you ever need someone to call whenever you'd like okay?"
"O-okay." She smiles and hands me the paper,I take it and then she gives me a hug.My mom and Michelle tell me goodbye then they walk out the door.I go lock it and then I walk into the kitchen.I look down to the piece of paper with the number on it,I begin to feel so tempted to just call the number but I can't.It's not a good idea...what if I just call to make sure it's the right number?I'm sure that's not a big deal,I mean maybe Michelle made a mistake writing it down.I just have to confirm it.Sure you can think of this as an excuse for me just wanting to hear from Ryan and your probably right but I don't care.I go grab the house phone and look down at the paper again then back to the phone repeatedly.The temptation is killing me and I dial the first number.I begin to bite my lower lip and dial the next number,then the next one.I take a deep breath then dial the remaining numbers.I double check the phone to make sure I dialed correctly.I checked maybe another two or three times then stared at the Call button.I slowly place my thumb over it and then press it.I bring the phone up to my ear and close my eyes taking another deep breath.I hear the ringing and I begin to feel a huge knot twist in my stomach.I place my hand over my stomach hoping to calm it down a little.I bite the inside of my cheek gently out of all the anxiety I am feeling right now.The phone has rung about 4 or 5 times by now and I am beginning to think he won't answer.It rings 3 more times and a huge feeling of doubt comes to me.I decided to just end the call and forget about the whole thing,just as I'm about to bring the phone down from my ear I hear the ringing interrupted.I leave the phone right by my ear and await for an answer.
"Hello?" He answered...I can't believe he answered!The feeling of joy and excitement course through my body.Of course I also feel the knot in my stomach tighten from the sound of his voice,out of the rush of emotion I forget to respond. "Hello?" Say something!Wait no he's upset.He's mad,this will only upset him even more...maybe he won't recognize my voice over the phone call though?God this was such a stupid idea why do I allow myself to make horrible decisions.I'll probably get accepted to Harvard or Yale and turn it down to go to PCC because of my horrible decision making. "Is anybody there?" I open up my mouth ready to allow words to escape it but nothing comes out.I feel like something is caught in my throat causing me to not speak. "If this is a prank call it's not funny and extremely immature." God dammit (YN) say something!Just as I'm about to say 'Hi,' I hear a beep like sound and I know he has already hung up.I look down to the number and grasp it tighter in my hands.I sigh and then walk into the kitchen.I grab a magnet then place the piece of paper on the fridge with the magnet over it.I stare at the number for a moment then I look down.I feel so disappointed right now.I can't believe I let myself do that.It was such a stupid idea and I knew it from the start but I went on and did it anyway.Why do I always do this?I make horrible decisions and sometimes I end up hurting people...like I hurt Ryan.Now I'm the one hurt by my stupid decision.The decision of that phone call,the decision of kissing Derek,the decision of hurting Ryan,and the decision of allowing people to suddenly enter my life because if it weren't for that decision...none of these other decisions would have happened and I wouldn't be hurting the way I am right now.