I woke up the next morning practically gasping for air,it was that nightmare again.It took me a while to calm myself down,I decided to start getting ready.When I finished getting ready I ate a small breakfast and then sat on the sofa waiting.I suddenly hear a shriek and rush into my mother's room,I nearly freeze at the sight of her.She is moving around in her bed and she's covered in sweat.She continues to scream and wail out.I remain still for a moment and just watch as my mother suffers from her unbearable nightmare.I can hear her scream echo in my head and I instantly snap back into reality.I head over to her and she's screaming as she squirms around practically like a baby.I then firmly place both hands on her shoulders and begin to shake her but she doesn't awaken.
"Mom wake up!"
"Mom!",I continue to say this but it doesn't manage to awaken her.
"Mom wake up it's not real!"
She still doesn't wake up and continues to allow her nightmare to torment her before my eyes.I feel a sting in my eyes and I shut them tightly fighting the tears but it's no use.I have to allow myself for my mother's sake.I allow the tears to stream down my face and I continue to try and awaken my mother.
I can't take it anymore,she's driving me nuts over here.I've tried so hard to awaken her already what else was I to do?I looked down at her and thought of a possible solution but without even thinking how stupid it was I decide to do just that.I yell out, "ENOUGH!" and then slap my mother across her face.The screaming has stopped and I look down at my hand.It's red and throbbing,I didn't think I used that much strength in the slap but the evidence is all over my hand and apparently on my mother's right cheek.I can practically see my hand mark bright pink upon her cheek.I begin to breathe heavily and then watch my mother carefully hoping that she's awake.I see her roll over and her eyes are wide open.She must be able to see the pain on my face because she looks guilty.I don't even bother to say a word,I have nothing I want to say to her right now.She looks at me with her weak tired looking eyes and I just stare at her blankly.
I look at her cheek and then look back to her eyes.I say nothing and then leave the room.I grab my backpack and open the door;I nearly jump when I see Ryan standing there before me.I look him in the eyes but remain with a blank expression.
"(YN) is something wrong."
I choose to not speak up and then just look down.
"I heard screaming,it sounded like it was coming from here."
I remain with my head down making sure that I am not wiling to talk.I then feel his hands on my cheek and he gently lifts my face making me look up to him.
"(YN),your crying.Why are you crying?"
I shake my head and bite my lower lip.
"We don't have to talk about it it's okay."
He then places his thumb below my eye and wipes a single tear away.He smiles sweetly but I can't smile right now.
"Are you at least okay?Please be honest with me."
I look into his pleading eyes,no matter how badly I want to just avoid anything related with this topic,I can't help but feel like he deserves to know if I'm at least okay.
I bite my bottom lip even harder and tightly shut my eyes.
"(YN) are you okay?"
"No," I finally let out.
I then bury my face into his shoulder and weep.I feel his hand on my head stroking it gently and another on my back holding me close to him.
"It's alright I'm here now.Just let it out,it's okay to cry."
He is speaking to me in such a soothing tone and it makes me feel comfortable,I can sense that he's being understanding at the moment.He continues to hold me and stroke my head.It definitely helps to make me feel better and his voice just makes it so much easier to calm down,but every time he said, "it's okay to cry" I ended up crying even more.
Of course we had to head to school but Ryan said it was fine if I wanted to lean on him as we walked to school so I could get out all the tears.I wasn't too sure about the idea but he insisted.I asked him if he could wrap his arm around me as we walked and he said he didn't mind,as long as I felt better.I definitely want to stop crying because I don't want to cry and risk other people seeing,it's not normal for me to cry and I'd hate for people to see.
As we walk onto the school campus I realize I am feeling much better than earlier.Ryan walks me to class with me still leaning on him as his arm is wrapped around me with his hand placed a bit above my waist.Before I know it were right in front of my classroom,I rather enjoy this to be honest.I mean if Ryan and I were to walk with me leaning on him and him holding me everyday,I wouldn't mind.
"Are you feeling better?"
"I'm glad your feeling better." He then flashes a sweet smile and I feel immediate joy rush through my body.
"You gonna hold up?"
"Y-yeah,I'm fine now."
"Okay,just remember you'll see me in fourth okay?"
He then begins to walk off,I watch as he is about to turn down the hall but I call out his name, "Ryan!"
He looks back to me and we both remain still looking at each other for a moment.
"Th-th-thank you...for everything this morning."
He then smiles and says, "What are friends for.",then he continued to walk again turning down the hall.I smile to myself and then head into my classroom.Flashbacks of this morning begin to play in my head.I look to my hand,it's not pink anymore but it's a bit numb.I gently begin to rub it with my other hand.When class starts the flashbacks stop and I make sure I have my full attention on school now.
The day passes by and soon enough I find myself sitting in 4th period.I noticed Ryan walk in and he looks to me as he walks in then takes a seat in his desk.I look to him and he is looking back at me he has a look of concern on his face.He then mouths to me, "Are you okay?"
I nod and reassure him with a smile,he half smiles and then gives me a thumbs up.He turns his attention to the front of the class and I do the same.For class we have some more class presentations so we just watched them.At the end of class I pack my things and I see Ryan in the corner of my eye.I look to him and he smiles at me.
We both walk out of class and then head to my tree.We take a seat and I lean against the trunk.Ryan looks to me and then I notice him bite the inside of his cheek.He looks bothered by something.
"Is something bothering you?"
"Uh,kind of but I don't want to worry about it now,I'd rather just hang out with you and have us enjoy each others company."
"You sure you don't want to talk about it?"
We just sit and talk for lunch,pretty natural.
"So my mom wanted me to tell you she really enjoyed having you over."
"Haha do you find it hard to believe?"
"Well not really,I mean you say she loves me so I guess it's expected from her haha."
"Haha yeah,I think she wants to adopt you.Haha,your the daughter she never had."
"Come on,your mom loves you."
"Yeah she does haha,I guess she just gets eagerly excited over you since you are my first-,"
I sit and look at him,he is looking down with a blank expression and I study his face curiously.
He instantly snapsback into reality then he looks to me and smiles.
"Sorry,I kind of...uhh,spaced out."
"So umm what were we talking about?"
"Your mom,then you started saying I was your first..."
"First what exactly?Haha"
"I don't know you tell me,your the one who said it haha!"
"Oh just forget about that haha I already did."
For the rest of lunch we just sat and talked then when the bell rang we both head to class.5th period went by pretty slow today but once the bell rang I was relieved to go to 6th.I walked into class then took my seat next to Ryan.At the end of the period I packed all of my things and waited for Ryan.I noticed Angie in the corner of my eye and turned my attention to her.She was walking out of the classroom and I began to feel a bit of guilt grow within me.I watched her leave the room and I slowly began to bite the inside of my left cheek.
"Hey (YN),over here."
I looked To Ryan,who was calling my attention.
"Sorry I was just...distracted by something."
"You sure it's not someone?"
"What do you mean?"
"I saw you looking at Angie.Is everything alright?"
"Yeah I just uhh...feel like,I uhh,I don't know."
"Come one tell me."
"I just felt...guilty...looking at her."
"I don't know."
"Maybe you feel bad that you don't like her?"
I thought for a moment and thought of a crazy idea,I wasn't sure if it'd help but it was worth a shot.
"Ryan could you do me a small favor?"
"Could you uhh...ask Angie..."
"So you want me to ask Angie out?"
"On a date?"
"Then what do you mean?"
"Just uhh,ask her to hang out with you...as friends..."
"Are you sure?"
"I just feel like it might make me feel better."
"Well I'll do it but only if,"
"If you're sure you're okay with it."
"What makes you ask that?"
"Yesterday you got upset over the idea of me liking her,and I was just kidding.Plus you did admit you felt like she was replacing you."
"Well now I know she wasn't...And she's not going to right?"
"Haha aww that's cute,you're still worried she's gonna steal me from your life?"
"Well,it's a possibility!"
"Haha no worries (YN),you're the only girl in my life."
I smile at his sweet comment and he smiles back.
"That was nice of you to say."
"It's the truth,I could be friends with tons of other girls but none of them could of ever be as awesome as you."
I feel myself blush slightly and I look down.
"Th-thanks for that haha,it kind of made my day."
"So you should probably go to Angie,don't want you to lose her."
"Okay,I'll see you tomorrow."
And with that I watched him leave,I suddenly felt the guilt slowly begin to fade away but then I began to feel to cold feeling of jealousy grow inside of me.
I rushed to the front of the school and then I looked all around campus.I let my mom know I was going to hang out with a friend today and she didn't mind,I started looking around for Angie.I spotted her not far talking with some friends.I rushed over to her and she probably spotted me in the corner of her eye because she looked towards me along with her friends.
"What are you doing?"
"I was just talking with my friends.What about you?"
"Oh I actually came to see you."
"Yeah I was wondering if you aren't busy or anything,maybe you'd want to hang out."
I saw her look to her friends then back at me and smile.
"I was actually going to go to my friends house,"
"Oh that's cool another time maybe?"
"Well actually you didn't let me finish,I was supposed to go to my friend's but if you want to hang out I'd be more than glad to."
"Oh sounds great where do you wanna go?"
"Oh umm where ever is fine with me."
"Okay cool let's just decide on that while we walk?Shall we?"
She looked back to her friends and they smiled at her then she walked off with me.
"So where do you wanna go?"
"Umm why don't we go to the park for a bit?"
"Sounds cool with me."
We walked to the park and the whole time we were just talking and laughing at a few things here and there.Although I was having a great time with Angie I couldn't help but think about (YN);the thought of her getting jealous over me and Angie wouldn't go away and no matter how hard I tried,it just remained stuck in the back of my mind.We soon arrived at the park and Angie showed me her tree climbing skills a few times,I was pretty impressed.Once she was done with that she led me over to a bench and we took a seat beside each other.
"Hey Ryan can I ask you something?"
"What made you...want to hang out with me?"
"Oh well actually,it was (YN)'s idea."
"Yeah,she thought it'd be a good idea for the two us to hang out."
"Oh," She looked down.
"Can I ask you something else?"
"Are you and (YN)..."
"No,everyone seems to think so though."
"Your right about that,a bunch of people constantly ask each other if you two are together."
"What do people say?"
"Some say they don't know but of course others say you guys definitely are."
"Can I ask you something now?"
"What is it?"
"Do you believe them?"
"Well no but then sometimes when I see you two together,it's hard not to believe it."
"Because you guys are just together practically all of the time and you two are always smiling together and having a good time."
"But were friends,isn't that what friends do?"
"Well yeah but I mean you being a guy and her being a girl just makes it seem that way."
"But there are tons of girls and guys on campus that are just friends and nobody says anything about them."
"I understand but I mean it's because it's (YN)."
"What's wrong with (YN)?"
"Nothing it's just...she never socializes with anyone.And that's why when you came around,people saw you two talking and hanging out which just led to the whole rumor in the first place."
"It doesn't matter to me anyways,at the end of the day I know what the truth is.Let people believe what they want."
"Can I ask you something else?"
"Yeah,what is it?"
I am struck by the question and I'm not sure how to react.
"Why do you ask that?"
"I was just curious...it seems that way."
"Why do you think I like (YN)?"
"I don't know,just something I was picking up.I mean the only reason your here with me is because she asked you to right?"
"You see?You even do things she tells you do."
"Well it was a favor,besides I didn't mind doing it because I got to hang out with you and it was fun right?"
"Yeah,I guess so."
"Well gee I guess I'm not all that fun to be around then."
"No it's not that haha!Really,I had a great time with you I just wish...it was for me."
She looks down and I kind of feel bad I scoot closer to her and put my arm around her resting my hand on her shoulder.She looks up at me and I smile.
"Look I didn't have to come here,I wanted to.Even though (YN) asked me to,it's something I'd do anyway."
She suddenly smiles at me sweetly and I feel a bit warm inside.She is slowly starting to lean in and I'm kind caught up in everything,before I know it I'm starting to lean in too.Just as I close my eyes (YN) pops into my mind and it's of her yesterday when we were about kiss.I quickly open my eyes and pull back.I look to Angie who is still leaning in with her eyes closed.She realizes nothing has happened and opens her eyes.
"Is something wrong?"
"No,I'm sorry I just...I should go."
"But,we just got here."
"I know I'm just sorry for what was about to happen."
"Well I'm not."
I look to her with a serious expression then look down.
"I'm sorry but I can't."
"It's because of her isn't it?"
I look up and she is standing now with her arms crossed.I get up and look to her with a blank expression.
"Look Angie,I'm sorry but I can't go through with it."
"I knew it,you do like her."
"No it's not that,it's just-,"
"I don't think (YN) would like it very much."
"Okay you know what,I get it.I'm uhh....I'm gonna go now.This was...fun.I'll see you around Ryan."
And with that she left.I felt really bad now,I pretty much led her on with that almost kiss.What's with me and kissing?Is it something the universe doesn't want me to do?I mean first there's (YN),and I've tried kissing her twice already but now Angie too.Then again it's different for both,when I first tried to kiss (YN) I pulled myself back before anything really happened because I was mad at her at the time.The second time I tried kissing her my mom kind of ruined everything by walking in on us,but would anything have really happened if she hadn't?And now Angie,I don't even know why I was going to kiss her and to be honest I don't think it's something I intended on doing?When I was about to kiss Angie,there wasn't really an atmosphere around us but when I was about to kiss (YN),both times,I kind of felt lost in a daze.However,something is really bugging me;why is it that when I was about to kiss Angie,(YN) popped into my mind?Probably because I knew (YN) wouldn't be to fond of the idea.That has to be it,I can't really think of any other possible answer.
The second I got home I started on my homework,I finished in no time but now I was stuck again with nothing to do.I watched some TV but this whole time,ever since after school,the thought of Ryan and Angie together was boggling my mind.I just couldn't fight it and make it go away.I know it was my idea in the first place,but I didn't think I'd end up being bothered by the idea.I'm such an idiot!I know I don't like the idea of Ryan and Angie together so why would I ask him to hang out with her?!Just because I feel a little bad for not taking a liking to her doesn't seem like a very good reason to make Ryan go spend time with her.
I tried to shake the thought of out of mind but each time I tried,more thoughts about the two of them just began popping into my mind.What if they hug each other goodbye?Maybe he walked her home or maybe they're at her house...what if she made him a home cooked meal?Maybe they're not at her house...but then could that mean they're at his house?No,then she'd meet Michelle.What if Michelle takes a liking to her?Then again she may not,but if she did would that mean she would start urging the two of them to start dating?Auugghh!Why am I making such a big deal out of this,it's only frustrating me more!I need to just shut out all thoughts on the whole thing!I try hard to force out all thoughts related to Ryan and Angie,it surprisingly worked and I found myself sighing at the relief of having all those thoughts out of my mind.I sit back and watch 10 Things I Hate About you;it's at the scene where they're playing paintball and are about to kiss.I'm watching the screen with my eyes and as they begin to kiss,I suddenly imagine that it's Ryan and Angie in the movie kissing each other.My jaw drops and I feel my eyes pop wide open,I practically jump out of my seat.I look around me and quickly grab the remote,I face it towards the TV and turn it off.I am thoughtless for a moment,then after some time of silence to myself I begin to question whether or not they really did kiss.Could they have...maybe they already did?But Ryan said,those things to me.
I can practically hear his voice inside my head telling just like he did earlier,"you're the only girl in my life" and "I could be friends with tons of other girls but none of them could of ever be as awesome as you";sure he said those things but did he really mean them?He is a guy after all,but he isn't like other guys out there...guys like Derek.Ryan is nothing like Derek,Ryan understands when you want to be left alone and he'll give you your space;Derek can't take a hint and just constantly bugs especially when he's not wanted most.I suddenly begin to remember Derek and that one day he kissed me butI let him.In the end it just led to Ryan being mad at me and wanting nothing to do with me.If he kissed Angie,would I feel the same?Honestly,I'd prefer not knowing the answer to that,because for me to prove whether or not I'd act the same way...they would have to kiss and I really don't want that to happen.Call it a selfish desire to never have Ryan and Angie kiss but people are selfish aren't they?I then find myself thinking about my regretful predicament with Derek and I begin to think that maybe it'd be fair for Ryan and Angie to kiss.Maybe I deserve to feel the way he did,then we'd be even right?Maybe only then,will Ryan truly forgive me for everything that happened with Derek but he already has,hasn't he?