Days seemed to pass by slower now since I hadn't been talking to Ryan.I kind of miss talking to him and the two of us hanging out;I guess I can't be too upset though,I mean I am the one started avoiding him so he probably caught on and figured I wanted nothing to do with him.To be completely honest it's not that I don't want Ryan in my life anymore or that I'm tired of our friendship it's just...the kiss.
Ever since that day I just don't understand anymore.I'm so confused and I regret everything I did that day.If I hadn't ran off like that,if I hadn't told him about my past,if I hadn't felt so secure with him comforting me then that kiss would have never happened.Why did I even kiss him?It wasn't out of pity or guilt like before;was it a thank you to him for comforting me?I suppose that makes sense but I'm not fully convinced that's the reason.
Weeks went by with me not talking to Ryan and although I wanted to I couldn't bring myself to do so.I was just to embarrassed about the kiss and I still wasn't sure how he felt about it.Maybe he thinks it was a pity kiss and he's mad that I kissed him again.Why did he have to comfort me?It's all his fault for being so considerate and understanding!If it weren't for him...wait no,I can't blame Ryan.It's not his fault.He was just being a good friend.I'm the one who had the free will of stopping myself but I didn't.I have nobody to blame but myself.
It was Friday now and of course my day began with me walking to school.The day went on as it has been for a while now without Ryan.I just wanted to go home and rest.In fourth period I took my seat at my desk and awaited for class to start.I noticed Ryan walk into the room but I ignored him.The bell rang and so Mr.Johnson began class.In the middle of class,I glance over to Ryan and stare at him for a brief moment.I find myself feeling extremely uncomfortable just looking at him so I turn my attention back to Mr.Johnson.
When fourth period ends I pack my things and then I head off to my tree.Lunch goes by slow but I am able to finish the homework I have been assigned for the day.When fifth period starts I just want to be home even more than before.
In sixth period I walk in and I feel my stomach twist a little at the sight of Ryan.I sigh and then walk over to my desk,I think to myself, "Just one more period and you're done for the day." I take my seat but remain with my eyes focused towards the front.
Once class ends I pack my things and I leave the classroom.I head to the front of the school's campus and make my way through the crowd.I finally get through and start heading home but I hear my name being called.It sounds familiar,and I know exactly who it is but do I stop and look back or ignore him and continue home?I decide to be polite and I turn my head slightly so that I see him running towards me.I feel uneasy at the sight of him and I truly wish now that I had just ignored him.
When he's finally reached me he pants a little but has a smile on his face the entire time as he tries to catch his breath. "You're fast," He lets out, "I was gonna try asking you right after class but you took off."
"Don't be haha I'm just too slow."
"Or I could just be too fast."
"Haha,I kind of prefer you being too fast because then it means nothings wrong with me."
"I'm sure I could still find a thing or two,"
He smiles and I give a half smile;I look down right after and silence takes over.I begin to feel my stomach twist into a knot and the scene of me kissing him pops up into my head.This brings me to say, "I should be heading home now."
I pull the strap of my backpack and take one step but then he says, "(YN) could you do me a huge favor?"
I look up to him and raise my eyebrow slightly. "How huge?", I say.
"I just want you to give me your time."
"I really just want to spend some time with you.Do you mind?"
Yes.That's what I really feel like saying right now but the expression on his face and the tone in his voice drive me to say, "No,not at all." A big grin appears on his face and he then he takes my hand but I instantly pull it away making him look at me confused. "We can go wherever you want,just don't take me by the hand like that please." I look down feeling guilty,maybe I could have said something nicer.
"Okay,I'll lead the way then." The tone in his voice only makes me feel worse and I can feel my stomach tighten even more.I bite my bottom lip and just try to ignore any possible feeling I may have right now.
Ryan leads the way but I don't pay attention to my surroundings to see where we may be going.I figured he may want to go to my house and stay there for a bit or maybe just take me to his house.I didn't really mind going to either one.What was really bothering me was what we were going to do.Ryan clearly wants to hang out as friends again but I don't think I can bring myself to talk to him or even look at him.Every time I look at him all I can see is the scene of us kissing,or me kissing him I guess.
We continue our walk but the entire time has been complete silence between us.I guess me pulling my hand away might've created this cold tension.Oh well,maybe when we get there he'll try breaking the ice but do I really want him to?
I begin to take awareness of my surroundings and I notice some familiar things.I come to realize that Ryan has brought us to the park.I stop and speak up. "What are we doing here?"
"You said you didn't mind spending some time with me."
"But why of all places drag me back here?"
"Look to be completely honest...I didn't drag you out here just so we could hang out."
I give a confused expression and then I raise an eyebrow. "Then why did you bring me here?"
He looks down slightly and I notice him biting his bottom lip nervously.
"I'll explain that later,"
"Could you at least tell me why we had to come here and not somewhere else like your house?"
"Well I thought here we would be able to settle everything better."
"Settle?What do we have to settle?"
"Oh come on (YN),you've been avoiding me and don't lie or try making excuses."
"How would you know if I was."
"It's obvious,you haven't talked to me or even bothered to look at me for the past couple of weeks.Plus you don't want to walk or hang out with me either."
"I'm here now,"
"And I'm lucky you are,I thought for sure you'd say no."
"Okay so what if I'm avoiding you?"
"Look I didn't appreciate it at first but I thought I should give you your space.I figured you needed some time to sort out your feelings."
"Feelings?What are you talking about?"
"Look you obviously have to have some reason for avoiding me right?"
I bite the inside of my cheek,nervous at his response.
"Look I know you've been avoiding me and I know the reason why too."
He nods and gives me a look of consideration.
"I'm sorry I had you open up to me;I didn't know you had such a painful memory of your dad.I knew you never wanted to talk about it before but I didn't know what it was.Now I know why you shut yourself out from society and I can understand your pain.I obviously can't understand exactly how you feel but I can help you cope with it.Please forgive me,I can't go on avoiding each other anymore.I miss you (YN)."
I slowly process what he says to me but I can't help but feel confused.What does he mean about me opening up?I get that I told him about my dad and everything but what does that have to do with the situation right now?I try thinking about it some more but I only feel more confused.I am fed up and so I decide to just question him. "Umm what does that have to do with me avoiding you?" He makes a confused expression and the raises an eyebrow.
"You are avoiding me aren't you?"
"Yes I was."
"Well you were avoiding me because I had you open up to me right?About your dad."
Now I'm even more confused.
"Okay let me get this straight,you think that I was avoiding you because I opened up to you about my dad?"
This is completely ridiculous.This entire time I was avoiding him he thought it was because I told him about my dad.I don't know why but I let out a chuckle.I begin to laugh lightly and Ryan just looks at me concerned and confused.
"I uhh...I'm not following any of this."
I let out a few more laughs and I calm myself down.I finally say, "Ryan I wasn't upset that I opened up to you.I wasn't avoiding you because of that."
"Then why were you avoiding me?"
I look down not wanting to speak up.I hear some footsteps and I can tell he has approached me.
I give no reply.Instead I stay completely silent but of course my silence leads to him placing his hand under my chin.I can tell he is going to lift my head so that I am facing him.He has done this so many times before but this time I won't allow it.When I begin to feel him gently start to lift my head by my chin I jerk it away and look down even harder.
"(YN) did I do something?"
I don't speak up.
"Please talk to me.Are you mad at me?"
I respond with the shake of my head.
"Then what is it?Did I do anything that got you upset with me?"
I feel guilty not responding.I manage to let out, "No,I did."
"No you didn't."
"Yes I did."
"Look I'm fine,you didn't do anything wrong."
"But I did."
"What did you do?"
I go back to not responding.
"(YN)," He says my name with a gentle tone in his voice that it almost soothes my ears.I feel him place his hand on my chin again and he slowly begins to lift it but this time I don't resist.When he has lifted my head exactly to where he wants it,my eyes meet his.Our faces are nothing but inches away from each other and I begin to feel nervous. "What did you do?",he says. My stomach twists at his question but I don't bother to look down;I'm too mesmerized by his eyes.I look down to his lips and the scene of me kissing Ryan comes to mind but this time I don't mind it.I stare lustfully at his lips and and I am so tempted to feel them pressed against mine.
I remain staring at his lips still wanting so badly for our lips to meet.I can't help it any longer,I lean in and plant a sweet gentle kiss on his lips.I pull back slowly and then I realize what I have done.I just kissed Ryan,again!This is the second time!Why did I let myself?Why couldn't I just control it and not let this happen!I'm so angry with myself right now.Here I am stealing yet another kiss from Ryan's lips.Am I so selfish of a person to continuously kiss Ryan's virgin lips?I can't bear to look at him now.I feel just like I did after I kissed him that Saturday morning. "I'm sorry,I have to go." I say before I turn away to take off.Before I can even take my first step to leave,I feel a grab on my arm restraining me to leave.I look back to see Ryan grabbing hold of my arm with his eyes focused hard on mine.
"Please don't leave,"
"I-I have to,"
"Because I can't stay,"
"Because I can't,"
"I just can't okay!"
"No tell me what's bothering you?What's the big deal?Just tell me what's wrong!"
"Why do you care?!"
"I don't want to go back to ignoring each other,if I let you leave like this nothing gets settled.We just go back to avoiding each other and I don't want that."
"Ryan you don't understand..."
"Then tell me and I'll try to understand!Please,I can't ignore each other anymore.Why are you avoiding me (YN),the truth please."
I look down guilty and I let out a sigh. "Because..."
"Just spit it out!"
"Because of the kiss okay!"
It grows silent and I can't help but feel embarrassed.I would take off and run right now if it weren't for his firm grip on my arm.
"I'm sorry for kissing you before at the swings and I'm sorry for kissing you just now." I feel his grip loosen but I don't pull my arm away.I decide to apologize one last time then I can leave right after. "I'm really sorry for both kisses.I really am."
Before I can leave he says, "You don't have to be sorry for that."
He shakes his head with a smile on his face.
"That kiss from before helped me in realizing something."
"And what's that?"
"This," He then lets go of my arm and takes a few steps closer to me.He looks down at me smiling and then places both his hands on my face.He leans in and then I feel him place his lips gently on mine.I feel a rush of sensation flow throughout my entire body but it slowly dies as he pulls away.
"You...you kissed me."
"I know.",he says with a smile on his face.
"Because...I like you (YN)."
I am taken by surprise.I know exactly what he means but I still play dumb and say, "What do you mean?"
"Everything about you just makes me feel nice.I love it when I get to see your smiling face.When I stare into your eyes it's like were in our own little world.When I hear your laugh it just brings a smile to my face knowing that you're happy.I like that I can be a complete dork around you and you don't mind.I enjoy spending time with you because we always have a good time.You're this amazing girl (YN) and lately it seems that I just can't get you off of my mind.I like you (YN),I really do.I guess I've known all along but it took a kiss and us avoiding each other for me to realize it."
I'm not sure how to react to all of this,let alone what to say.I've never been confessed to before,I guess Derek has told me he liked me before but that doesn't count.Besides,even if it was a true confession it's nothing compared to a confession like this one.I still can't believe Ryan just confessed to me.I suddenly hear his voice echo in my head of everything that he just said.I feel my cheeks warm up and I know that I'm blushing but I don't bother to hide it or act out embarrassed.
"I'm sorry for my selfish confession,I didn't bother to think how it'd make you feel."
"N-no it's fine.I-I don't mind it really.I'm just a bit surprised that you said all of that to me."
"Well it wasn't easy,haha." He smiles at me sweetly and I try in my best effort to smile back.
"I'm sorry you had to confess to me."
"No I'm really glad that I did.I got it off of my chest so now it's not bugging me as much anymore."
"As much?What's bothering you?"
"Well I mean just because I like you doesn't mean that well...you would feel the same." He instantly looks down embarrassed after his response.I find it kind of cute actually.
"Do you umm..."
"Well here you are confessing to me without being nervous and now you're talking with more uncertainty in your voice than ever."
"Haha I'm sorry but I can't help it,you make me nervous."
"You confessed to me without any struggle whatsoever though."
"Because I wanted it to be perfect so I made sure I didn't mess up.Plus I kind of practiced saying it."
"What do you mean practiced?"
"Well I rehearsed a couple of times with myself and in front of my mom."
"Haha aww that's so sweet."
"It was nerve wrecking haha."
"Well you did a good job you deserve a reward."
"Mmm,can I exchange it for a kiss?"
I feel my face get warm and I don't respond.
"Haha I'm kidding...well partially to be honest."
It grows silent and I'm unsure of what to do now.I don't want it to be quiet like this but I don't know how to act in this kind of situation.I mean Ryan just confessed to me,am I supposed to be acting like it didn't even happen and just talk to him like normal or should I acknowledge the fact that he did and try talking about it?
"On more serious terms right now...could I ask you something?"
"Well I mean I like you and I was sort of wondering if maybe...you liked me too."
I'm caught off guard by what he says.I guess I kind of figured he would end up asking but I thought I'd know how to react or at least know what to say when he did.I think about it for a moment but I feel like if I were to think about it I'd take a long time trying to figure it out.
"I ummm uhh..."
"It's okay if you don't I'll understand."
"No it's not that I don't it's just that I'm not sure.I mean well,I don't know if I do.I have to think about it.I'm sorry."
"So you want me to give you some time to think about it?"
"I'd appreciate it if you could but I feel bad.I mean I don't know how patient you can be and with something like this too."
"Oh well I don't mind.I mean it took me a while to finally realize I liked you haha.I mean it only seems fair that you have some time to figure out whether you like me or not too right?"
"Are you sure you're alright with that?"
"Of course I am,and please take your time.Then when you figure it out and you're ready you can tell me."
He smiles at me so I decide to smile back.I look down and then I look back up to say, "I guess I should be heading home now."
"I'll walk you back."
"You don't have to,really I'm fine."
"It's okay,I want to."
I don't bother to ask why because I already know the answer.Ryan and I leave the park together making our way to my house.The walk isn't silent,we both talk to each other just like we used to and there were a few laughs here and there.When we arrive at my house Ryan walks me to my front door.I put in my key and unlock my door but I don't open it.Instead,I turn around and lean back against my door facing Ryan.
"Thanks for walking me."
"I didn't mind,I liked walking you."
"Well that's not the only thing you like." I say jokingly.He smiles and then he starts leaning towards me.Is he going to kiss me?I close my eyes preparing myself to feel his lips press upon mine but instead I feel them press gently onto my cheek.I open my eyes and I see him pull back slowly.
He smiles at me one last time and says, "Take your time." then he leaves.I watch him walk away.Part of me kind of wanted him to look back just so I could see his face one last time.When he's out of plain sight I look down and think about his kiss on my cheek.I place my hand over the cheek he kissed and then I bite my lower lip.I shake the thought right after then I open up my door and walk into my house.I close the door behind me and lock it after I walk in.I turn around with my back pressed against my door.I lean against it and I start thinking about Ryan.I begin to think of his smile,his eyes,and his lips.I feel myself gently sliding down against the door until I am completely sitting on the floor.Thoughts of Ryan occupy my mind leaving no space for me to concentrate on anything but him.Why am I thinking of him?Is this how Ryan felt when he realized that he liked me?Does this mean that I like Ryan?But if I like him and he likes me then what happens next?Do we stay friends or would we develop into something more?What's the next thing after being friends?Best friends?No,I don't think that would be it in this case.If a guy and a girl like each other then I guess the next thing to happen would be for them to start going out meaning that they'd be...a couple!Ryan likes me,so if I like him then do we become a couple?How would that even be?I barely got used to being friends so how could I possibly adjust to being a couple?I guess Ryan would help me with it just like he did when we became friends but are we really going to become a couple?I guess I have to wait to find out but for now I have to figure out if I like him or not.Do I like Ryan?Do I really?I like being with him and he makes me happy so does that all mean that I like him?I'm so frustrated thinking about this!It's truly aggravating and confusing!I suddenly begin to hear Ryan's voice say, "Take your time." I pause and stop thinking for a moment.I don't have to rush anything.Ryan did say to take my time so I don't have to beat myself over it right now.I'll just see how I feel day by day and when I'm ready I guess I'll find out whether I like him or not.It can't be that hard can it?