A Teenage Vow

It wasn't meant to end like this. (My entry for the Third Advent thing)

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1. Bulletproof Loneliness

Alex


The red and blue pills felt hot in my palm. Red for fire. Blue for ice. Irony at its best.
A long dragged breath between teeth that burned on its way down. I laughed bitterly. It didn’t sting half as much as these pills were going to.
The car stank of stale cigarettes and old leather. I had always hated this car, from the moment I’d got it. An ugly old thing, the colour of puke and with the attractiveness of a slug. My father had always promised to get me a new one, as soon as this one busted a gut.
Pity. That damn thing seemed determined to keep on going.
I lifted my eyes to look out the windshield. Tesco’s car park was pretty empty. It was hardly surprising considering it was half three in the morning.
Hm. Bit too early for normal 16 year olds. Early wasn't an option for insomniacs.
What's wrong with him, doctor?
Mental trauma
S ui cidal

I imagined that word all broken up. Kind of like me.
Do it, Alex. You were never worth it in the first place. Never. Even your own mum didn't want you.
My stomach twisted and suddenly the amount of pills in my hand didn't seem like enough. I added more. I added more until they spilled over my palm and clattered down onto the floor of the car. The sound was like bullets.
No body likes you, everyone left you...
I couldn't even tell if that was my own brain but I was pretty sure that was a Green Day song.
A flash of headlights. Another car pulled into the car park. I recognised the driver. Tony Howell. Biggest jerk in my year, yet he still drives a crappier car than me. That gave me a nice satisfactory feeling.
Red and blue flashed behind my eyelids as I blinked.
Hollowness.
When I was a young kid, I never expected growing up to be like this.
Do it, do it, do it, do it
The unstoppable chant in my head.
Useless, useless, useless
The first cool surface of a pill brushed my lip. Sweet success burned somewhere in the back of my mind. Some part of me wondered what would be written on my gravestone.
Was I already dead?
The car door slammed and I jumped, dropping the handful of pills. I swore loudly, turning to face the intruder. How dare they interrupt my--
Woah.
 

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