All I ever wanted to be was…
I stared at the first line of the essay I was supposed to write for my college application. I made a bunch of faces and tried thinking back what I wanted to be.
My father and the band were in an interview, so Carl and I were stuck backstage. I sighed and turned to face Carl, he was typing away in his laptop, he was so focused that I was sure he wouldn’t even feel if I threw him a brick.
“Go back to your essay Esther.” Carl said not taking his eyes off the computer screen.
“I don’t know what to write.” I sighed. “I don’t know what I want to be.” I complained.
“Bullshit Esther.” Carl said facing me. “I think you are the only girl that really knows what she wants to be.”
“No.” I said.
“Esther.” Carl said. “I’ve known you since forever. You never believed in princesses and princes, you wanted to be the person who killed the dragon, not because you wanted to find your prince, but because you wanted to save someone, whoever it was. You always want to be different. That’s what you want. You want to be unique and remembered because of it. It’s not selfish, it’s intelligent, because even though people say that you do charity and stuff for the sake of your father, it isn’t true. I’ve heard you complain about tours and yet you are still here.”
“Carl.” I frowned. “You make no sense, but I know now what to write.”
Carl smiled and returned to his laptop. I sat facing mine and hoovered my fingers on top of the keyboard, until I was sure.
All I ever wanted to be was me. It sounds strange and I know, but the truth is, that if I don’t know what I want to be, how can I be me? Since I was young, I was always thinking ahead. I remember the age when little kids want to be either a princess or a prince, I didn’t want to be a princess. What is the point of being stuck in castle with an evil witch, waiting for a random stranger to come and save you?
I wanted to be the person who killed the dragon, not the prince, no, a random stranger saving someone from danger. The next thing I wanted to be was a superhero, but not with super powers that I gained from aliens or from magic. I wanted to be a superhero that helped people by giving away food, cloth, toys, anything. I wanted to be a hero who helped the old people cross the street.
Now, that I’m older, I want to discover myself, and I think that the only way to do it, is trying new things. I don’t want to be known by the media as they know me now. I want to make sure that when people talk about me, they talk about the real me.
I thought that all I wanted to be, was to be like my father, and a surfer. I wanted to have a family, and I swore not to leave them.
You know what. Scratch all of that. Yes, I want to be me, but the real thing I want to be, is to be better than my own mother, better than her and her stupidity. I won’t walk away just because I don’t like the fame, or because problems are coming, I will stay and fight like a real warrior, the dragon is the problem, and I am the one who holds the sword.
“Esther?” Ralph asked as I typed down the essay.
“What?” I asked not taking my eyes off the screen.
“You are going to ruin the keyboard.” Ralph said. “What are you doing?”
“I’m typing an essay on what I wanted to be.” I replied shutting down the laptop. “And you wanna know what I want to be?”
“What?” Ralph and Carl asked at the same time.
“I want to figure out that.” I exclaimed. “I don’t know what I want to be. Don’t give me that face Carl. I know I want to be different, I want to be me, but I don’t think that I want to be inside a classroom, I’ve never been. I want to travel around the world, and learn things that I can’t learn in a classroom. I want to enjoy the life I’ve got. I want to make all my dreams come true.”
“Then don’t apply.” My father said out of nowhere. “You don’t have to do something because people expect you to do it”
“But I thought-“
“You thought what?” Gordon questioned.
“Esther dear.” Guile smiled. “We have always know that you don’t belong in a class. You’re someone with too much curiosity and you need to feed it, why do you think you always came with us on tour?”
“Because my mother walked out on me.” I replied. “And because the one time you guys left me, I got the babysitter to run away and almost burn the house.”
“Yeah.” My dad chuckled. “But also because every time you are on tour, you learn something new and your eyes lit up with knew knowledge.”
“So I really don’t have to apply?” I asked.
“No.” Everyone replied.
“Well then.” I said. “Is the interview over?”
“Yes.” Ducky replied. “Why?”
“I’m in the mood for a small soundcheck concert.” I winked.
I was practising my piano skills on top of the stage, whilst everyone got ready for the concert. The people from the arena wanted to kick me out, but when they realised that I am Esther Gunner, they left me to it. I was playing a song that I heard my father play a while ago. I learned to play the piano by ear. When I was two, I think, my father was playing a song on the piano, and when he stood up to do something, I walked over the bench and started playing what he had done, it took me like three minutes to figure out the song, but I did, and since that day, my father taught me.
“Esther.” Mike appeared in front of me. “Concert starts in two.”
“Sure.” I replied closing the piano.
“What were you playing?” Mike asked as we walked to backstage.
“Dunno.” I replied. “My father was playing it a couple of days ago.”
“So you don’t know how to read the sheet?” Mike asked.
“I know.” I replied. “But I usually play by ear.”
“I didn’t know that.” Mike smiled.
“No one apart from Enoch and I.” I replied. “Now you know.”
“I’ll keep the secret.” Mike crossed his heart.
“Thank you.” I smiled and walked to the lobby turning on the x-box.
I was playing some Soul Calibuir with Carl, when the music from the concert stopped. We paused the game and turned around staring at the television that let us observe the concert. My father was walking to the piano and everyone was sitting down with smiles on their faces. My father only played the piano to sing happy birthday to someone, and I’m sure it’s no one’s birthday today.
“I know you are all wondering what is going on.” My father spoke. “I’m pretty sure that my daughter and Carl are staring at the television confused.”
“Hell I am.” I replied even though he couldn’t hear me.
“Esther.” My father said. “This song I’m about to ask the guys and I to play, is for you. Remember the interview you overheard and I said that I had a song for you?”
I walked to the stage, the light shinning on me, and my father’s face with a huge smile.
“I do.” I replied. “Are you going to play it now?”
“I will.” My father smiled. “I heard you playing it on the piano earlier.”
“Oh.” I replied blushing.
“How was she?” Guile questioned. “She didn’t even know it was.”
“Esther learned to play the piano by ear.” My father replied. “Then I taught her how to read the sheets.”
“See what we told you.” Ducky smiled and I rolled my eyes.
“This is for you Esther.” My father said and started.
You are a princess in my heart,
and I care for you so much.
I love the fondness in you eyes and your tender little touch.
I looked at you when you were born,
and knew then straight away,
that I would be forever here
to watch you grow and play.
You bring to me a heart of joy,
and memories so great,
and a powerful sense of fatherhood that no one can debate.
I watch you sleep and dream of things that I can only wonder.
That innocent look upon your face just makes my heart grow fonder.
I see you run and jump and shout and calling out my name.
No love that I have ever known could ever feel the same.
No suffering or tragedy nor deeply seated pain
could ever over shadow the bond that we retain.
And so my little princess before you go to sleep,
Remember I am your daddy and I am yours to keep.
I might be the daughter of a Rockstar, but I still will be his little princess…