I sat crossed legged with the laptop place on my legs. I was typing away some replies to the fans. They have so supportive after Caleb’s death. I was hidden away in my bunk on the tour bus, as we were back on tour. A week later after Caleb’s funeral, Devil Five returned to Europe to continue with their tour.
“She’s not ready for interviews!” My father shouted. “I don’t give a flying fuck is Oprah wants her! She’s not going to do an interview!”
I placed my laptop aside and stepped out of my bunk. My father was on the phone speaking with someone, and he seemed so frustrated. I asked him to give me a week off, a week without being in the spotlight, it is necessary. I walked over to him and place my hand on his arm making him turn around.
“I’ll have Ralph call you later.” My father hissed and hanged up his phone, tucking it on his front pocket. “I’m sorry for shouting.” He added rubbing his eyes.
“Nothing to worry about dad.” I smiled. “Why don’t you go and take a nap? We still have four hours before we arrive.”
“Sure.” He sighed. “Esther.”
“I love you okay.” My father smiled and I nodded.
“I love you too daddy.” I gave him a sweet smile and walked over to Blaze.
Blaze sent me a wink and I sat on the floor facing him and Carl.
“Your father seems off.” Carl commented.
“Aware of that.” I sighed. “He needs a moment to break down and not be strong.”
“Why doesn’t he does that here?” Blaze questioned.
“Cause I am here.” I replied. “He wants to keep the strong face when I am around.”
“But you also keep a strong face for everyone.” Blaze said.
“I’m not pretending.” I replied. “I just don’t want to deal with that. Not right now, not today, nor ever.”
“You’ll have to.” Carl said
“I know.” I sighed. “Just let me leave my free of dealing with feelings time, a little longer.”
Blaze let out a chuckle and stood up kissing my forehead. “I’m heading to bed.”
“Nights.” Carl and I said.
I stood up from the floor and sat on the couch next to Carl and stared at whatever TV show he was watching. We sat there for almost two hours, nobody saying a word, you could only hear the voices from the show and the breaths we took. I am left with the thoughts of Caleb and everything we used to do together, and I can’t help it when a tear rolls down my cheek, soon followed by a couple more. Carl stands up and leaves me alone. A few moments later my father appears, tear stained cheek.
“Guess we can’t be strong forever.” I whisper in a chuckle.
“I guess we can’t.”
I laughed at the lame attempt of Ducky trying to do the split. We are on the stage, Carl, Blaze, and I are watching how they practice for the concert, but as they are on their break they are doing crazy things.
“I thought that Devil Wives and Devil Twins would be for the European tour.” Carl said.
“They are coming tomorrow.” Blaze informed. Just like our brothers.”
“We are having a Devil Family Party tomorrow.” I added.
“How’d you know?” Carl questioned.
“Ralph asked me if I needed to buy a dress.” I replied rolling my eyes.
“You look beautiful with whatever you wear.” Blaze winked.
“Or what you don’t.” Carl whispered and we cracked into laughter.
My father spotted me and smiled at me. I nodded at him and walked up to him. I was ready to go back to normal, I know that the week hadn’t pass, but I had to do it, for him, for Caleb.
“Yes, Esther?” My dad questioned.
“I’m ready.” I replied.
“Are you sure?” He asked with an raised eyebrow.
“Yes.” I replied. “I am sure.”
“Well then.” My father smiled. “Little Devil Five is rehearsing.”
“All?” Guile questioned.
“All.” I winked. “Hey you two!” I shouted to Carl and Blaze. “Get your asses up here!”
“If God, for a second, forgot what I have become and granted me a little bit more of life, I would use it to the best of my ability. I wouldn’t possibly say everything that is in my mind, but I would be more thoughtful of all I say.
I would give merit to things not for what they are worth, but for what they mean to express. I would sleep little, I would dream more, because I know that for every minute that we close our eyes, we waste 60 seconds of light. I would walk while others stop; I would awake while others sleep.
If God would give me a little bit more of life, I would dress in a simple manner. I would place myself in front of the sun, leaving not only my body, but my soul naked at its mercy. To all men I would say how mistaken they are when they think that they stop falling in love when they grow old, without knowing that they grow old when they stop falling in love.
I would give wings to children, but I would leave it to them to learn how to fly by themselves. To old people I would say that death doesn’t arrive when they grow old, but with forgetfulness.
I have learned so much with you all, I have learned that everybody wants to live on top of the mountain, without knowing that true happiness is obtained in the journey taken and the form used to reach the top of the hill. I have learned that when a newborn baby holds, with its little hand, his father’s finger, it has trapped him for the rest of his life. I have learned that a man has the right and obligation to look down at another man, only when that man needs help to get up from the ground.
Say always what you feel, not what you think. If I knew that today is the last time that I am going to see you asleep, I would hug you with all my strength and I would pray to the Lord to let me be the guardian angel of your soul. If I knew that these are the last moments to see you, I would say “I love you”. There is always tomorrow, and life gives us another opportunity to do things right; but in case I am wrong, and today is all that is left to me, I would love to tell you how much I love you and that I will never forget you.
Tomorrow is never guaranteed to anyone, young or old. Today could be the last time to see your loved ones, which is why you mustn’t wait; do it today, in case tomorrow never arrives. I am sure you will be sorry you wasted the opportunity today to give a smile, a hug, a kiss, and that you were too busy to grant them their last wish.
Keep your loved ones near you; tell them in their ears and to their faces how much you need them and love them. Love them and treat them well; take your time to tell them “I am sorry”; “forgive me”, “please”, “thank you”, and all those loving words you know.
Nobody will know you for your secret thought. Ask the Lord for wisdom and strength to express them. Show your friends and loved ones how important they are to you.
Send this letter to those you love. If you don’t do it today…tomorrow will be like yesterday; and if you never do it, it doesn’t matter, either, the moment to do it is now.”
I dropped the microphone and cleaned my tears. I had just poured my heart out on a song I wrote about Caleb. Blaze came next to me rubbing my back. I smiled at him and hugged him. People didn’t know we were dating.
“As many of you know.” I said grabbing my mic. “A couple of weeks ago, my dearest friend passed away. I wrote this song the day I said goodbye to him, the day I there dirt on his coffin. I wanted to give it to him, or to his family, but I just couldn’t.” I let out a sigh. “But now, I am ready. So that is my goodbye to Caleb George, the best of friends.”