Don't Get Too Close // Liam Payne AU

They say it's what you make
I say it's up to fate
It's woven in my soul
I need to let you go

Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light
I can't escape this now
Unless you show me how

When you feel my heat
Look into my eyes
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
Don't get too close
It's dark inside
It's where my demons hide
It's where my demons hide
~Demons by Imagine Dragons

~Cover by @Direction_infection5

© Copyright 2014. All rights reserved. This material may not be reproduced, displayed, modified or distributed without the express prior written permission of the copyright holder. For permission, contact Smexy_Payne_Train69 on Wattpad.com

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6. Plans Change

~Don’t Get Too Close~ Plans get Changed

I woke up this morning feeling pumped and full of energy, even though I barely slept last night. I guess I was so excited for today that I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t wait to go to the fair with my friends and have some much needed fun.

I picked up my phone to check the time. It was about 10 o’clock. I still had plenty of time to get ready. I lazily got up and went into the bathroom.

I looked in the mirror, “God, I look so sexy right now.” I smiled, sarcasm clear in my voice. My eyes traveled down my arms and landed on the purple scars again, making my good mood and smile disappear into thin air. I closed my eyes slowly to take my eyes off the scars, breathing deeply.

All of the memories came flooding back after being kept down for so long. The little voice inside my head popped in, helping bring back the old memories, “You were a mistake,” the voice spat. I watched myself in the mirror, tears welding up in my eyes. “You’re never good enough,” it hissed. I let the tears fall down my face. “Everything was your fault. Everything,” it whispered, as if saying those words would lead to my downfall, and they did. I walked quickly out of the bathroom and to my vanity, where I hid a small razor blade underneath my jewelry box. I brought the blade to the bathroom sink; I couldn’t hold this feeling down any longer.

I placed the sharp corner of the blade to my arm, “I am a mistake,” I said and pressed down on the blade, dragging it across my skin. I winched at the pain, watching as the red liquid spilled from my arm. Tears fell uncontrollably down my cheeks, “I am never good enough,” I said and made another cut on my arm. “Everything is my fault.” I said and made one more mark on my skin. I dropped the blade in the sink, looking at the blood everywhere and how it dripped down into the sink.

I sighed, feeling defeated after giving in. It didn’t make me feel any better about myself. It made me feel worse. I was doing so well, but now I just messed all of that up. I shook away all the thoughts, and cleaned up the mess I made. I decided to take a shower before I got ready to go. Most of the time taking a shower made me feel better.   

The warm water cascaded down my back and it felt amazing. All the stress and emotions of the week, and from this morning, were washed away down the drain. I was really careful when washing over my arms. The warm soapy water stung each cut. I washed my hair, body, and face. I shaved a little bit, and I was done in about 15 minutes.

When I got out, I wrapped a towel around my wet body, and went back into my room. I walked over to my dresser, “What to wear. What to wear.” I said to myself as I scanned my dresser for a cute but casual outfit.

I decided on a white tank top underneath a pink see-through shirt with dark blue jean shorts. I threw on a clean bra and pair of panties, then I got dressed in my outfit. I walked over to my vanity and put on some gold earrings, and pink and gold bracelets to match. (**Outfit to the side -->**)

I blow dried my hair and lightly curled it. I put on mascara and some eyeliner to complete my look. I went over to my closet and picked out my pink strapped sandals and threw them on. While I was in the closet, I also grabbed a light spring coat, hoping to hide my cuts. I doubt Niall will buy this because it’s like 80 degrees outside, but there’s always some hope that he will. I set the coat on my bed post, and checked the time again.

By the time I was done, it was almost 11 o’clock. I proceeded down the stairs towards the kitchen to find something to eat before I went. When I walked into the kitchen, I saw a piece of paper on the counter. It was a note for me from my mom.

It read:

Good morning Jules! I got called into work this morning, so I won’t be home until later. Have a fun time at the fair! Love you!

I sighed and put the note back down on the counter. I felt so alone in this big empty house. I felt alone in general. My mom doesn’t understand my pain. Niall barely understands it. I just want someone to understand all the pain and negative thoughts that go through my head. I want someone to understand all the pain and suffering I go through every day. I shook all the thoughts away. I was tired of thinking in that way. I wanted to bring back the positive mood I had when I woke up this morning.

I wandered around the kitchen, grabbing different things, making a breakfast-to-go. I grabbed a bagel, put cream cheese on it, and grabbed an apple. I went back up to my room and sat down on my bed, nibbling away at the bagel in my hand. I checked my phone again, noticing I had a new text from Niall.

To: Me

From: Bestie

Leaving now! Be ready ;)

I replied with an “ok” and checked myself one more time in the mirror. I grabbed my phone, the jacket off my bed post, went downstairs and out the door.

I sat down on the front steps, waiting for Niall. It gave me too much time to think again. I’m tired of thinking. Why can’t my mind just shut out all the antagonizing thoughts? It would make life easier.

“You fucked up! You gave in to the thoughts!” the voice in my head hissed.

“Stop! I won’t give in again.” I said to myself, covering my ears as if that would stop the voice inside my head. I squeezed my eye shut and took a deep breath, relaxing myself. I suppressed all the negative thoughts, like I had been doing for a few months now, and focused on some happy things in life like the fact that I was going to hang out with Niall and Analeigh today. I really need to have some fun today.

Within moments of my head exploding from the negative thoughts, Niall pulled up in front of my house. I ran over to his car, opening the door and quickly hopping in.

Niall turned towards me, “Hey! You ready to have fun today?” he asked with a big smile spread across his face.

“Yes, I’m in need of fun.” I said, trying to force the best smile I could up onto my face, but it turned out to be more of a small smile. Niall looked at me from head to toe curiously before driving away from my house.

“What’s wrong? You look upset.” Niall said, never taking his eyes off the road.

“Rough morning, that’s all.” I said, automatically turning my arm so Niall couldn’t see my cuts. He would be able to see them anyway since I was wearing my jacket. I tried to be as unnoticeable as possible, but that didn’t happen.

“Julina, can I ask you something?” Niall asked, glancing over at me then back to the road.

“Sure, I guess.” I said, looking over at him. He looked as if he were trying to figure out how to phrase the question. This can’t be good.

“Why are you wearing a jacket?” Niall asked, his face was serious.

“I-I’m co,” I started to say, but Niall cut me off.

“Don’t say your cold, Julina. Tell me the real reason you’re wearing the jacket.” He said, still focused on the road.

“I wore the jacket because it looks good with my outfit.” I said but Niall didn’t believe me. He turned to look at me and gave me that “really” look.

He sighed loudly, “Julina, what did you do?” Niall asked, looking over me again.

I sighed, “Nothing.” I lied. I wasn’t going to get away with this one. Niall would find out what I had done, then I will feel even worse about it. I looked down at my hands in my lap, ashamed of what I had done.

“Julina, I don’t know why you try to lie to me. You know it never works,” Niall said and looked over me again. I rolled my eyes and turned my head to look out towards the window. “Show me your arm Julina.” Niall demanded.

“Why? There’s nothing wrong with my arm.” I said, still staring out the window, watching the trees come and go as we raced past them.

“If there’s nothing wrong with your arm, why can’t you show me it?” Niall asked. He’s really pushing me, trying to get me to tell him. I feel like I’m being backed up into a corner. I feel almost like how I did when I was with Liam in the janitor’s closet. I have nowhere to go; I can only tell Niall the truth. I sat there in silence. I really didn’t want to tell him, and I was hoping he would realize that, but he just continued to push. “Julina, you’re wearing a jacket when it’s like 80 something degrees outside, and you tell me you’re cold or that it looks good with your outfit? You didn’t expect me to believe that did you?” he asked. I continued to stare out the window.

“Julina, tell me the truth.” He demanded again.

“This is the truth, nothing is wrong!” I spat. I could feel my eyes getting glassy, so I blinked the tears away. There was a lump in my throat and it started to hurt. I didn’t want to cry anymore, not today. I continued to stare out the window.

“Why are you lying to me? I’m your best friend. You know I won’t judge you Jules. Please just tell me.” Niall said. I finally tore my eyes away from the window to look at him. When he looked back at me, I saw the hurt in his eyes.

“See the hurt in his eyes. That’s your fault. Your fault!” the voice in my head yelled. I shook my head, holding back the tears. I knew if I showed him the cuts, he would be even more hurt. I couldn’t show them to him.

“Julina, if you don’t show me your arm right now, I will stop the car and turn around right now!” he said sternly. I sighed loudly; I didn’t want to go back home, but I didn’t want to show him my arms. Both will bring back the voices inside my head, and I didn’t want that.

“I can’t.” I whispered, barely audible.

Niall looked at me confused, “What do you mean you can’t?” he asked.

I sighed again, “I don’t want you to be disappointed in me because if you are then those voices come back, and I don’t want them to come back.” I said, and laid my head against the window. I tried so hard to hold back the tears that were threatening to spill out. Niall was quiet for a moment, then he looked to me again.

“Do you really want to go to the fair today?” Niall asked.

I looked at him confused, “What do you mean?” I asked.

“Well, I have another place in mind that might make you feel better.” he said.   

“What about Analeigh? I can’t just bail on her.” I said.

Niall shook his head, “Just tell her you got grounded or something so you couldn’t make it.”

I sighed and rolled my eyes, “Where are we going to go?” I asked.

 Niall smiled at me, “You’ll see.”

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