What we leave behind

Did you ever think about doing suicide?

I did.

Did you ever try to kill yourself?

I did too.

Actually you need to emphasize the "try" because when I wanted to jump he appeared.
Sam Miller. And suddenly my life seems so much more complicated but at the same time so much more enjoyable.

But I´ll never get over that one day...the day that changed everything and I know that I´ll destroy what Sam and I have...or not.

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1. Prologue

Prologue

I always knew life wasn´t fair. Whenever you try to take one step forward....
 ...Whenever you try to be happy...
 ...it would push you back ten times as hard...
 ...until you´re standing with your back to a wall.
 No way of escaping.
 No way of living showing.
 And trying not to fall deeper into this numbness.

 

I was pushed back so hard, I already stood on the top of a building.  Somehow ready to jump and then again not. The cars on the busy road to my feet distracted me. I finally closed my eyes - I didn´t want to see my own death. Then I took a step forward. I felt the death coming nearer every second. But I wasn´t falling. There was someone holding me back. A hard pressure against my left upper arm. I opened my eyes. I hung in the air, like Mary Poppins when she used her umbrella. From the sight I felt sick. Someone sighed heavily and I snapped back to reality. After closing my eyes I went into my dreamland. A land where everything was perfect. I wasn´t there. That would explain why it would be perfect. I looked up and saw those wide, blue eyes staring at me in shock. I was paralyzed by them, though my neck hurt from staring up, I couldn´t look away. I grinned my teeth. He was the perfection himself. "Could you please let go off me?!!?", I yelled over the sound of the traffic. Death and sarcasm were the perfect frenemies. It was odd to be sarcastic in such a situation that was: Me hanging from a skyscraper and a guy catching me in mid fall. He narrowed his eyes and pulled me up. he breathed heavily. To his defense: I didn´t help much. I rather struggled like a fish on land. He lay one arm around my waist. "What´s your problem?", I asked breathless. His body was warm against mine what stopped me from thinking properly. "You´re the one having a problem! A big one - I might add!", he shouted. I closed my eyes and counted to ten. "I was on my way of solving it.", I snapped. He leaned in closer. I could feel his warm breath against my ear. "Really?" His voice was low as he said that one word into my ear. I shivered. What should i say now? But I think that his question wasn´t meant to be answered. "Is this your way of solving problems? Jumping?", he asked. I didn´t even need to think about that. 'Yes, it is. When there isn´t any way out...´
 But I wasn´t going to say that to the stranger holding me back. "It´s none of your business.", I said sharply. He exhaled loudly. "Why do you even bother?! I don´t even know you!!", I yelled. He sighed and his grasp loosened. But still he held me back. We were standing hugged as if we were a couple. The best thing was that it actually was dawn. I planned to jump at Dawn because it was soo melodramatic not because it was so romantic. I did not have any experiences with romance. "So...", he paused, seemingly in thoughts, "if I let go off you...Will you promise to not jump?"
 I didn´t know if I still wanted to. He destroyed the moment. And besides: Was my problem really that great? I already had been falling and now my braveness seemed to vanish with every rapid heartbeat. I nodded silently. His arms were gone only seconds after that. My senses were on full charge then. A cold wind made me shiver. I missed the warmth of this strangers body, but couldn´t grow the balls to turn around so I stared into the distance. I could feel his ocean blue eyes on my back. The only detail of his face my brain took in in those few seconds. I couldn´t stand the awkward silence anymore so I turned around. Tears were streaming down my face. This was the first emotional break down since it all started. I tried to swallow the sobs, which were growing in my throat, down. This shouldn´t have happened. When you know there is no other way out you think a lot about it...you know...doing suicide. Three months of torture and humiliation were necessary to make final decisions. I closed my eyes and sank on my knees. I felt an supporting hand under my elbow. "You don´t know how it feels.", I said loud enough for him to understand every word. He got me on my worst day. "Please.", I begged. "Let me go." I put my hands over my face. I waited for something mocking or humiliating - or that he would push me after he saved me.
 Human could be so cruel. Most of them love to bring those, who are different, or those, who they just hate out off no reason, down. They loved to beat on - even if I already was down. I never said a word. I sucked it up and saved it in my mind.

I stared into his wonderful blue eyes again. The guy made a sound as if he was intoxicating. "Isabel? Isabel Newton?", he asked.

In that every moment I recognized who was standing before me. "Sam Miller.", I chocked out and wanted to get pushed by him, though he never said a word against me nor had he done anything to humiliate me. But that definitely would change right now. I stumbled back. "Isabel! Stop!" He took my arm. "Please...please don´t jump." I stopped dead in my track. Sam slowly moved forward. "My Mum is a psych. she sais that sometimes talking can solve a lot. Do you want to talk about it?"

"I can´t anymore!", I cried and stormed past him. Hopefully he kept our meeting a secret, but I wouldn´t swear on that.

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