Fire 2

"We can forget all of the bad things and then start new."
"Is that enough for you."
"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"As long as you do, it's always enough for me."

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18. Wake up

I was screaming, but not into a pillow I was screaming into the empty room, an empty house. I walked into my kitchen Vodka sat on the counter. I was dreaming that whole time. I felt the tears slowly start to burn my eyes. 

"FUCK!" I swung the bottle into the wall and screamed. It felt so good. I opened the cabinet and threw every last cup glass plate and bowl at the same wall. When I got to the last glass my hands were shaky and I slammed the glass on the counter, shattering the glass into my hand. "OWWW." I screamed. Fuck it hurt. It hurt so bad. But my heart hurt more. I looked at my bloody hand and laughed. "I'm going insane."

"You are." Ryan said from behind me. I spun around he looked startled. "What did you do?"

"Like you give a shit. What'd you do the whole time you were gone? Fuck Rhianna?! Ahh!"  I had balled up my fists making the glass that was stuck in my hand cut deeper.

"What? Let me help you with that." He turned his attention towards my bleeding hand.

"Cut the shit Ryan, once a cheater always a cheater."

"I never cheated on you."

"BULLSHIT RYAN!"

"Sh. Baby let me fix your hand." The tears streamed down my face as he wrapped his arm around my waist and cupped my injured hand.

"Don't call me baby." I sobbed but I knew he couldn't understand me. 

"Sh." He put my hand under the faucet.

"Oh fuck! OUCH!" 

"Sh..." he told me. "I would never touch another girl in my life. Because I have you."

"You- you don't h-have me. You left!" 

"You told me to." I cringed. "I left because it was better for you. I'm only concerned about you. No one else. Not even me." 

"You still..."

"You told your friends you didn't love me so yes I got drunk and I said things. I can't really do anything if you don't love me right? So I planned on leaving this morning. But I couldn't do that, because no matter how much you don't love me I will always love you." 

"Ryan I-"

"Always." He used tweezers to pull the shards out of my hands. Before long they were all out. He walked to the bedroom and came back with the first aid kit. I sat in silence as he wrapped my hand. He pushed his hands into his pockets.

"I'm a mess," I finally spoke, "without you." He pressed his forehead to mine.

"So am I." 

"Kiss me." I begged. He pulled me into him and brushed my hair out of my face.

"No." he sighed. I took a deep breath.

"No?"

"No." I grabbed his face between my hands and pulled his mouth to mine.

~

"So then... What the fuck are you guys doing?" Jessica asked.

"We're... Starting over."

"Starting over like what? Being sex friends?"

"No like our relationship."

"So the engagement.."

"Is off."

"No! You guys were supposed to get married and have babies!"

"I know but.."

"Oh my god! You're pregnant! You are aren't you?! Holy shit!"

"I don't know yet, I might be. I threw away my birth control pills. And then he came over one night and... I don't remember a condom."

"I'm gonna be an aunt!!!" I rolled my eyes as she squealed.

"No no you don't know that."

"But I do! You have to be! It might be twins. You know people who get off birth control have a better chance of twins? Oh my god! I bet they're boys! We have to-"

I zoned out around then. She's so annoying planning my baby shower with no baby.

"Look I haven't had morning sickness so odds are I'm not."

"You didn't have morning sickness last time."

"Yes I did."

"No."

"Yes! I did you never knew because you didn't see me pregnant."

"But Justin did."

"Not in the morning."

"Morning after." 

"No I refused to let him stay the night. I was... am still in love with Ryan and Justin staying over just felt wrong."

"Oh, Guilt, yeah that's what I felt when i cheated on Ben with Jack."

"You guys have been doing it for that long?"

"Yeah I know it's horrible but I'm happy now."  She looked at me with a smile of... sincerity? 

"What are you hinting at?"

"I'm not hinting at anything I'm just saying that you don't have to be happy with Ryan..."

"No. Not with Justin. Definitely not Justin. I am happy with Ryan. God I'm fucking insane without Ryan. Look!" I showed her my hand.

"Holy shit what happened?!"

"I broke a glass. Crushed it with my hand. I had the most wonderful dream that we went back to normal... and then I woke up and broke all my glassware." I bit my lip as she stared at me in awe.

"Damn." she shook her head as if she were imagining what I had just said. "You really are crazy over him."

"Insane."

~

Back home was awkward. We were always talking about the past. What he lingered on, what I lingered on. It would start calm and then...

"YOU HAD SEX WITH HER AND CAME INTO OUR HOTEL ROOM TELLING ME YOU LOVED ME! I COUNT THAT AS CHEATING!"

"WE WEREN'T DATING UNTIL I CAME INTO YOUR ROOM AND TOLD YOU I LOVED YOU!"

"YOU GOT ME PREGNANT!"

"YOU KILLED OUR BABY AND HAD SEX WITH JUSTIN! WHAT WERE YOU TRYING TO MAKE A TWIN?!"

"OH BULLSHIT! WHY WOULD I DO THAT I DIDN'T EVEN WANT YOUR BABY!" I panted.

"This is good we're getting it all out. Keep going." 

"Did you have sex with anyone when..."

"No I already told you that!"

"WHY ARE YOU GETTING SO DEFENSIVE?!"

"I'M SO SICK OF YOU THINKING I'M A CHEATER!"

"WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN WEEKS WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO THINK HUH?!"

"IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE MAD ABOUT?! SEX?! THAT'S ALL YOU WANT ISN'T IT?! SEX ALL THE GODDAMN TIME! WELL BABY I'M TIRED OF JUST SEX. I WANT TO TALK TO YOU!" 

"You wanna watch a movie after this?"

"What movie?"

"You know what movie."

"Nemo?"

"Yeah."

"Sure. Are you hungry right now?"

"Yeah, I can make something if you want."

"You don't have to." 

"I want to."

"Okay... we can make burgers?"

"And fries!" So yes this is my new normal. It's actually really calming. i call it scream-o therapy. 

"I Lo-"

"I love you." I always make sure I say it first now.

"I love you more."

"Impossible." I grabbed his hand and pulled him into the kitchen.

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