Fire 2

"We can forget all of the bad things and then start new."
"Is that enough for you."
"Do you love me?"
"Yes."
"As long as you do, it's always enough for me."

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14. Almost

A/N

To the people who are saying that I need to work on the plot more, I absolutely agree with you. I'm trying so hard rn. Kay? LOVE YOU. xoxo

~

"What are you naming him?" Jessica asked Gabby the thousandth question about her baby.

"Fuck, I don't know, Domino. Why the fuck are you asking me this shit?"

"I'm sorry I just... really like babies."

"Then have your own." she said pushing the last piece of pizza into her mouth. 

"I... no I can't... Jack doesn't want one... well not now anyway. We're too young." she was quick to dismiss it.

"I'd kill to have my baby right now." I rolled my eyes.

"I'm sorry."

"Not like I killed it." Jessica and Gabby said at the same time. Jessica's eyes widened.

"Um. Gabby..."

"No it's fine. It's true, I don't even know why I said that." I felt like the wind had been knocked out of me and everything was going black accept for Gabby, the truth teller, the all knowing, the brutal reality. I'm too use to it now. Too much death, too much leaving and goodbyes. When was the last time I actually felt something? I don't remember... When's the last time I told Ryan I loved him without sex? Do I? Of course I do. I'm over reacting.

"Scar? Did you hear me?" Jessica's voice pulled me out of my thoughts.

"Oh I'm sorry what?"

"She asked if we can order another pizza."

"Oh um... Yeah I don't care. I could eat all night." I gave them a fake smile

"What's wrong?"

"Ryan. I don't... I don't know if I even..."

"Want to marry him?" Gabby read my thoughts.

"That's not what she meant." Jessica rolled her eyes.

"Yes. It is what I meant." Jessica's eyes widened. 

"What?! You're kidding right? You guys are perfect for each other!"

"Really? Are we?"

"Yeah! You're both... you both have that spark."

"Yeah we both just want to jump on each other first chance we get but that's not love. That's lust. We don't love each other."

"Bullshit! You're scared. You've never been in love before. This is love. That's what it feels like baby. And you either like it or you don't."

"Gabby, are you in love with Justin?"

"I don't know. I probably wouldn't have talked to him ever again if I weren't pregnant. We're not getting married though."

"Like ever?"

"Nope." she shook her blue hair out of her eyes before throwing it into a bun on top of her head. "I'm gonna go call the pizza guy."

Jessica and I sat there in silence staring anywhere but each other. She's so bossy. Like my mother was. Telling me who to date and what love was, but I agreed with Jessica. I think I love him but what if I don't? I'd be hurting him on so many levels if I call off the engagement. Am I seriously considering this? It seems insane. Unless he feels the same... Bullshit. He just told me he wanted a baby. I mean I do want a kid someday but... Why is it so hard to know?! 

~

The rest of the night was a blur of baby names and talk of weird cravings. I really wanted to just kick them out but, Gabby was pregnant and Ryan was with Jack and I didn't know if I could handle seeing him. What was he saying about me to Jack? Were they even talking about us? I hope not. 

By the time they all left and Ryan came home I was exhausted.

"Did you take your pill?" The beer was prominent on his breath. i shook my head and stood to go get it.

"Did you have fun with Jack?" 

"Yeah he's funny as fuck when your drunk." he chuckled to himself.

"You got drunk? Why?"

"I have a lot on my mind."

"About?"

"Us." My heart sank. I was wrong, I do love him I know it. He doesn't. "I don't want a kid." 

"Oh." I nodded. "So you want me to take that disgusting pink coat out of my closet huh?" I gritted my teeth to keep from crying.

"Don't get upset." 

"What the fuck am i supposed to do?! Pretend I didn't want one?! Why would you say you did when you obviously don't!"

"Baby I'm sorry."

"Really?! Are you?! Fuck you! Fuck you for lying to me all the damn time. Fuck you for making me love you and fuck myself for falling for it! Fuck everything! Jesus Christ, Ryan. Can you go a day without fucking something up?!"

"No SCARLETT! I FUCKING CAN'T. YOU KNOW WHY?! I'M A FUCKED UP PERSON!"

"AND THAT'S MY FUCKING FAULT?! YOUR DADDY DID SOMETHING STUPID AND YOUR FUCKED UP?! WELL MY PARENTS DIED HOW FUCKED UP CAN I CLAIM TO BE RYAN?! IS IT YOUR FAULT THAT THEY DIED?!"

"DON'T USE THAT SHIT AGAINST ME! SINCE THEY DIED ALL YOU'VE BECOME IS A FUCKING WHORE!" I gasped.

"I don't know you. You're not my Ryan. My Ryan doesn't call me anything like that." the first tear escaped and I couldn't stop the rest of them.

"Scar, I'm sorry."

"Get out." 

"Scar-"

"Go anywhere else, you can sleep in any other room or you can go to fucking China for all I give. Just don't be here." He opened his mouth to talk but then closed it and walked out. I was hoping he would stay in the house at least, but my hopes were shattered with the slam of the front door. On an impulse I ran to the door and outside of it. "Ryan!" I screamed. He turned around to look at me. "It's not safe to drive."  I looked at the ground. "Your drunk." I added. I rubbed my arms. 

"I'll be fine."

"I won't go back inside without you." pathetic I know, but I'm not forgiving him and I'm sure as hell not letting him kill himself. "If you're gonna leave call a cab."

"I said I'll be fine."

"But I won't. If you die I won't forgive myself." he sighed.

"Fine. I'll call a cab." 

 

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