your ultimate crack fic

Every one for crack? Well now they are...
You have Thor, 1D, potc, Tangled, every one.
Not responsable for suffocation, or death of laughing. Enjoy.

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1. Thor

 

Every thing you need to make you cry
Part 1
Thor

It would have been just a normal day in the Stark Tower if Nick Fury hadn't called.

"Avengers assemble!" he had barked, causing the Avengers to look up from where they had all been congregated in the kitchen as his visual appeared on a screen that Jarvis popped out of the wall. "We have a hostage situation in Central Park."

Tony groaned. "Ugh. Can't SHIELD deal with this?"

"No," said Fury sharply. "This guy has a mechanical suit, a bit like yours, Stark—"

"My suits are unique," Tony cut in.

"—and calls himself 'Fred: Agent of War,'" finished Fury. "Please inform Loki that he is required for this mission as well."

"You know," Loki said, coming out from the more secluded section of kitchen for those who actually want to bake, "'Fred: Agent of War' is rather ironic, since Fred means 'peace' in Swedish."

Fury simply stared at Loki for a moment. Finally, he said, "What the hell are you doing?"

"I'm baking," Loki said plainly with a smirk. He was wearing a long, ritzy, green and black apron that was dusted with flour, and in his arms was a large bowl that he was stirring with a wooden spoon in one hand. "And I regret to inform you that I cannot help you with this problem since I have not finished making my cake"

The god received a deadpan stare from Fury in return. "And you just happen to be making a cake when we need you," he said, annoyance clear in his voice.

Loki hummed, "Indeed, that happens sometimes," and went back to his part of the kitchen.

Fury's eye twitched as he turned back to the rest of the team and commanded, "Just get down there and take care of it!"

And with that, he ended the call.

Soon, the Avengers were all hiding behind various trees in Central Park while they assessed the situation.

"Does anyone remember that scene in the third Lord of the Rings movie where they have this big battle right outside the gates of Mordor so that Frodo and Sam can sneak past while Sauron was distracted?" Tony asked suddenly, his voice somewhat altered by the suit he was wearing.

"Yes, we do," Natasha said, rolling her eyes. "Get to the point, Stark."

"We need a distraction," Tony said in plainer terms. "Something that will confuse this guy majorly. And I know just the thing," he added, helmeted head turning to stare at Thor.

Thor gulped.

Fred: Agent of War was telling his hostage about how he was going to blow her brains out once the Avengers finally arrived when the God of Thunder suddenly landed right in front of them.

In the moment that Fred was too surprised to do anything, Thor took a deep breath and reluctantly began to sing:

"A JELLYFISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH! A JELLYFISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLYFISH, FISH!

"THUMBS UP! THUMBS UP!" he yelled, extending two fists with his thumbs up. "A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH! A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH!"

Fred and the random hostage stared, stunned, as the thunder god sang. Meanwhile, unnoticed, Iron Man and Black Widow were sneaking up behind Fred.

"THUMBS UP! THUMBS UP!" Thor yelled again, pointing his thumbs up. "WRISTS TOGETHER! WRISTS TOGETHER!" He put his wrists together. "A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH! A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH!"

Iron Man and Black Widow were now directly behind Fred.

"Hand me the screw driver," Tony commanded, the glove of his suit retracting so that he could better hold the tool.

"THUMBS UP! THUMBS UP!"

"No, the other screw driver," the genius told Natasha, handing the first one back.

"WRISTS TOGETHER! WRISTS TOGETHER!"

"You don't have screw drivers already built into your suit?" Natasha asked as Tony began to slowly unscrew Fred's helmet.

"CHEST OUT! CHEST OUT!"

"That suit is still under construction."

"A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH! A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH!" Thor sang the chorus again.

"THUMBS UP! THUMBS UP! WRISTS TOGETHER! WRISTS TOGETHER! CHEST OUT! CHEST OUT! BOOTY OUT! BOOTY OUT!" the god yelled, now bent over with his thumbs up, wrists together, chest up, and his butt sticking out. "A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH! A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH!"

Behind a tree several yards away, Steve whispered to Bruce, "This is a terrible plan!"

"THUMBS UP! THUMBS UP!"

Bruce laughed. "This is a wonderful plan! Do you see? Tony is already working on the guy's helmet!"

"WRISTS TOGTHER! WRISTS TOGETHER!"

Still being held in front of Fred, the hostage watched the singing god in horror. This was the person that had come to save her?

"CHEST OUT! CHEST OUT!"

On the Helcarier, Fury watched the news feed in horror. He was so going to hear it from the Council.

"BOOTY OUT! BOOTY OUT!"

This was actually one of Tony's better plans, Natasha mused as another bolt unscrewed from the helmet.

"KNEES TOGETHER! KNEES TOGETHER!

"A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH! A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH!

"THUMBS UP! THUMBS UP!

"WRISTS TOGTHER! WRISTS TOGETHER!

"CHEST OUT! CHEST OUT!

"BOOTY OUT! BOOTY OUT!

"KNEES TOGETHER! KNEES TOGETHER!

"TOES IN! TOES IN!

"A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH! A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH!"

In the Stark Tower, Loki watched the tv screen in front of him in amusement as he watched his brother preform the Jellyfish Dance. It was giving him an idea for his cake.

"THUMBS UP! THUMBS UP!

"WRISTS TOGTHER! WRISTS TOGETHER!

"CHEST OUT! CHEST OUT!

"BOOTY OUT! BOOTY OUT!

"KNEES TOGETHER! KNEES TOGETHER!

"TOES IN! TOES IN!

"HEAD TO THE SIDE! HEAD TO THE SIDE!

"A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH! A JELLY FISH, A JELLYFISH, A JELLY FISH, FISH!"

Up on Asgard, Heimdall, Asgard's gate keeper, watched Asgard's prince with a mix between amusement, horror, and dread at telling the king that his son was making a fool of himself down on Midgard. He supposed he just wouldn't tell.

But on the other hand... maybe he would. It was awfully funny, after all.

"THUMBS UP! THUMBS UP!

"WRISTS TOGTHER! WRISTS TOGETHER!

"CHEST OUT! CHEST OUT!

"BOOTY OUT! BOOTY OUT!

"KNEES TOGETHER! KNEES TOGETHER!

"TOES IN! TOES IN!

"HEAD TO THE SIDE! HEAD TO THE SIDE!

"TONGUE OUT! TONGUE OUT!

"A DELLYFWISH, A DELLYFWISH, A DELLYFWISH, FWISH! A DELLYFWISH, A DELLYFWISH, A DELLYFWISH, FWISH!"

Just as Thor finally finished his dance, the last screw holding the helmet together was removed, and Tony lifted it off Fred's head. Fred, however, was too busy staring at Thor to notice.

And as the helmet was taken off, one of Hawkeye's arrows flew through the air and accidentally hit the strategically placed self-destruct button positioned on Fred's neck.

The device let off three long, high pitched beeps, and in that time Natasha dove out of the way while Tony grabbed the hostage and flew to safety just as Fred's suit exploded.

As the Avengers walked back into the kitchen after their successful mission, the first thing that they noticed was the huge, floating jellyfish cake that was levitating over the table. The second thing they noticed was the smug trickster god standing under it.

"Cake, anyone?" Loki asked with a smirk.

Everyone except Thor rushed forward to grab plates. The thunder god mentioned, however, crossed his arms and glared at Loki.

"That is low, brother," he growled. "Very, very low."

"On the contrary, brother dear," said Loki with another smile, this time fakely innocent. "It is very high; it almost touches the ceiling."

Needless to say, Thor ate no cake.

And also needless to say, Fury somehow managed to save Thor's dignity by coming up with some excuse for his singing for the paparazzi.

So, overall, it was good day. Not a normal one, no, but a good one.

And if were to ask one of the Avengers about the incident later, all they would tell you would be: "That happens sometimes."

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