That Feeling

A short story of a harboring feeling deep down of pure wretchedness.

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1. That Feeling

            I could feel it once again. That insuperable sensation crept its way in, driving me mad. But I had to hold it in. I had to hide this uncontrollable feeling edging me on to scream till my lungs exploded. I wanted to let it out. I wanted to set it free for once, and know how the air actually felt like, without any hindrance in my way. Everywhere I go, though, I can only feel the cold aura of the bars that hold me back, and when silence steps in, I fall farther down into the abyss. The darkness suffocates and blinds me, vividly showing me the twisted fantasies I harbor. I want this weight lifted off of me, but the more I push back, the more my arms only grow more tried; but if I stop fighting it, the façade the world has built me up to be will disappear.

            My hands twiddling with whatever is closest, and my breath held in tight, I sit patiently, hoping; begging for the silence to stop. My mind tries to conjure up mundane illusions to conceal me from myself, but the noiseless air starts ringing violently in my ears, shaking out the truth. The idea of actually doing it starts to sound comforting; I could fill this vast hole within me, and maybe feel real. Perhaps I should I do it, and then that would be the end of it. Just to have a taste of it would end this indescribable feeling once and for all.

             This moment is all too perfect as well, convincing me further to just go for it. The emptiness of this subway station was eerie even for me, as a single man stood calmly for his next train to arrive. The flickering lights hardly lit this place to its full extent, nicely concealing me on one of the benches. Nothing was stopping me now, and even though the silence was finally erupted by the echoing sound of an oncoming train, the madness had already overtaken; that feeling pushed me and broke through the bars, and I could finally see through the shrouded vale. This rush pumped through my heart, and my cold blood ran hot.

            I stepped through the shadows that surrounded me, and crept closer to the unsuspecting man. My footsteps were hollow as I once was, leaving no sound to be heard. Covered in sweat, my hand slid down into my pocket where a small knife laid settled in. I never knew why I brought this with me every day, nor did I ever question those actions, but now all made sense. The moment to end it all was now, but suddenly second thoughts barged their way in, causing my heart to nearly explode on my chest. I knew why this was bad, I knew why I shouldn’t be doing this, but inside, deep where I was hidden away, I knew this was right. I wanted to breathe. I savagely push the second thoughts away, and with one swift action, I pulled and flipped out my knife jabbing it sternly into the back of the man’s knee, and then quickly ripping it out to the side. “Rahh!” The man yelled out in pain, desperately trying to figure out what was happening. Oh, how the blood squirted out frantically, soothing my nerves delicately, with his outburst of tears and pain exciting me. But sadly for this man, I was not done.

            For the first time, I forced the air out of my lungs giving me such a euphorically profound feeling, and as with my air, my arms thrust outwards, pushing this random man to his doom. He yelled and fumbled on his way down, wasting away what time he has left. Taking in another breath, I tilted my head up in pure ecstasy. Before I knew it, the man’s body splattered, painting this grim station with the life it deserved. The screams of passengers lifted in pitch with the cringe inducing screech of the buss halting in place. I’m sure they were all horrified as they walked away from my bloody canvas, but I will never be too sure.

By the time the police arrived I was comfortably laying on my bed, breathing with such ease, and taking it all in. Sitting here, in near darkness, I couldn’t hear anything. As I thought about it, the hole in me still remained as empty and painful as ever; maybe even more so now. The old insuperable feeling wiggled its way through the cracks of my heart, but now it was accompanied by a new friend. One that felt even heavier than before.

            I wanted to do it again. Just to have that feeling as before would suffice, and then it would go away forever, I’m sure. My palms were clammy, and my vision blurred as the vale suffocated me again. I needed to get rid of it; all of it. But how? And so soon? My mind raced around in a frenzy, and I was near complete exhaustion. As I was moments from collapsing down, a light knock filled the silence, and then another one.

            “Hello? Anyone there?” A feminine voice called out for my attention, but why? A new sensation hit, but now it made me nervous and actually feel fear. Is it the police? How would they know it was me? Yes, I was brutish about it, but no one saw me; I’m sure of it. I also left no evidence to be found, but a terrifying thought passed through my head, “But what if I did?” My chest was tightening to the point I thought it was going to cave in on itself. I looked towards my window thinking my best solution was to escape down the fire escape, but what if I’m already surrounded? One push and everything is already over? No, it can’t be.

            One more call out rest assured all my worries, “Hello? I could really use some help. I see your lights are on!” And with that, I fell down to my knees in joy. I nearly started to burst out in laughter in my own stupidity, but I remembered I had a lady in need.

            I opened the door wide, revealing I have nothing to hide. There standing innocently was a short blonde girl, with her arms held behind her back. In a sincere manner, I spoke firmly, “What can I help you with?”

            She seemed to be charmed by either my manors or my stature, but either way, she looked at me with a gleaming smile, and wasted no time to speak up, “Sorry to bother you, but I just moved next door, and I’m still moving things around. I have a bookcase I could really use some help moving, and the manager told me if I need help, ask you.”

And like that it clicked. Everything seemed right again, and I could breathe that sweet, sweet air.

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