Camp Truidine

The epic comedy, Camp Truidine (Troo-ih-deen) is a novel about a semi mentally unstable goofball named Maezee who finally decides to get back at her school with a massive prank. After pulling the prank she is punished by her mother and is sent to a correctional camp, Camp Truidine. At the camp she meets a special love interest, but he is not what you might think he is. Trouble brews in the camp with cliques that are trying to become rulers once and for all. Maezee in her friends have to work together to stop this madness and bring forth the real leader of the camp, Truidine.

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1. Life in Slugbottom

 

Maezee lives in a rural community called Slugbottom with not much to do.  There is one school and two small neighborhoods.  One neighborhood is home to the rednecks and the other neighborhood is home to the bigger rednecks. 

            The old hillbillies have no morals and live like pigs in a pig sty.  With couches on their front porches of their trailer houses, it began a new fashion statement. 

            Maezee loves the way the old fat people stink like garbage and aspires to be one of them some day.  She is used to the smell of garbage, because her mother, who is more commonly known as “Ma” , works at the local land fill.  Every day when Ma comes home, her body permeates the house with the odor of rotten food and children’s toys that have been outgrown and are miraculously still covered with slobber.  

            Ironically, Ma enjoys making scented candles which she takes much pride in.  She sells her lovely candles at the local Indian gas station, a place which you do not want to be after dark, or in the day time.  Ma has a very prideful attitude and likes to show off her (in their minds) luxurious decorum.  She has lovely porch couches imported all the way from K-mart and silverware from the local thrift store.  Ma always gets into vicious battles with the people of the neighborhoods.  She once got into an argument about whose daughter is the ugliest.  Maezee won. 

            Maezee is a girl who has some mental issues, to say the least.  She speaks in an awkwardly loud voice that comes from the back of her throat.  She has one friend that follows her around like a puppy.  His name is Walter Mcguonovich, the little dirty street rat who can be commonly seen going through people’s mail boxes (not that he would find anything of value) and steeling people’s yard ornaments.  Maezee takes advantage of him and he is completely under her control.

            She has school this morning and wakes up and walks to her kitchen while hearing a noise that would make a grown man cry.  In her community, it is hard to differentiate the men and women.  It is her mother, screaming at someone on her phone.  Ma is in the city council and has very important business to take care of.  Ma is feared by all of the town.  She is a reckless driver and is not afraid to run someone off of the road.  Maezee ate a breakfast of year old bacon and a stick of butter.  She loves butter.  It makes her feel funny probably because expired long before the Vikings came to North America.   

            Maezee gets dressed and walks for the door when her mother shouts “Where do you think that you’re going Cutie Poops?”  Cutie poops is Ma’s nickname for her.  “To school! Duh Ma!”  Ma often makes careless mistakes like this.  Maezee is looking forward to this day at school.  Today is the end of school party.  Last year, the end of school party was a complete disaster.  Nobody had fun at all.  There were no presents, no food or anything.  This year was going to be different.  All of the kids had been planning this event for quite sometime now.  Maezee entered her classroom and screamed “BAH!!!!” Everyone looked with an expression of confusion on their faces.  “I will not tolerate explosive and random outbursts like that Maezee!”, exclaimed Mrs. Butt .  “Now get in your seat.” Maezee put her hands on her hips and said with a smirk on her face , “Blah blah blah!”  Maezee sat in her seat and suddenly heard a farting noise.  A feeling of embarrassment and fury came over her face.  “Who in the world did this to me?”, screamed Maezee pulling out a whoopee cushion out from her chair.  “I will get whoever did this to me.”       Lunch came around and Maezee had a massive lunch with all of her favorite foods:  Cheese, butter and mushrooms.  Walter made his way over to the table.  “What are you doing here Walter?”, she said with a pouty voice.  He could tell that something was wrong.  “Well, lately I feel like everybody is treating me like I am just one of those people who can be pushed around and joked with.”  She took one bite of her butter stick and viciously threw it at the trashcan without looking.  The butter stick went directly into the trashcan effortlessly.  A sudden “Whoa!” broke out through the lunch room.  “I think that you’re the funniest person I know Maezee.”  Murmured Walter.  “Don’t let them treat you like a dog.  Show them who’s boss.” “But how?” , said Maezee.  “I know! You can pull a massive prank on the last day of school and have all of the school talking for the next year!” , exclaimed Walter.  “Sounds good.” Maezee said while motioning a rat in the corner to come to her.  The rats owned the school, which is how the school got its name “Rat University”.  “Squeak squeak!” , went the rat while Maezee picked him up and began to whisper in his ear.  “Take this message to the principal” , Maezee whispered while placing a piece of paper wrapped with a string onto the rat’s body.  The message read “Get ready!  The time is coming and you better put up all of your defenses, for this is the end”.  

            The principal, Mr. Jaguar was apart of one of the wealthier families in Slugbottom.  Him and his family struck oil in a field several decades back.  His face drooped and was covered with sun spots that really showed his age.  He was constantly wandering around, trying to spot out any student who was doing something not within the school guidelines.  Lunch was over and now it was time to go back to her classroom and attend the end of school party.  “Now listen children, there will be no rough-housing, dancing, screaming, laughing, snorting, farting, spitting or urinating in the corner.” Spoke Mrs. Butt with her hands on her obtuse hips.  The kids all knew that this would not be the case.  “Let’s party!” shouted Jewish McColley.  Maezee despises Jewish, she is ‘Pretty Miss Popular’ and always thought of herself above the other students.  All of the students laughed and got up out of their chairs and ran to the counter and got the cookies, brownies and cupcakes.  Maezee ran to the counter as well.  She was in the very back, but still planned to create quite the show. She grabbed a 2 liter bottle of Pepsi and began to shake it rapidly.  Faster and faster she shook the bottle.  The kids noticed and began to chant “Maezee Maezee Maezee Maezee”!  She reached for the lid and aimed it directly at Jewish McCollay.  The class gasped and Jewish’s face went sour.  Jewish knew what was coming.  POP!  Went the bottle and the fizzy liquid exploded from the tip headed straight toward Jewish.  She had no time to escape.  The pop directly impacted Jewish’s face and soaked her whole body.  Jewish began to cry while the whole class laughed.  She ran out of the door and to the bathroom.  The kids continued laughing their heads off. Some even rolled on the ground laughing.  “MAEZEE!!!!” screamed the teacher who favorited Jewish. “Get to the principal’s office this instant!”  Maezee laughed and walked out the door, again with a malicious smirk on her face. She had no problem going to the principal’s office because she had figured that the principal would receive his message soon from the dumb rat. Into the office she walked, hearing the secretary speaking with her teacher already about the situation.  “Yes, yes, Mr. Jaguar is in and I’ll send him straight to her.  Oops, I meant her to him.” She sat down the phone and looked at Maezee while chewing her gum so loud that people at the Indian gas station could hear her.  The office lady didn’t even have to say anything before Maezee walked straight into the principal’s office.  She sat down in a chair in front of his desk and crossed her arms.  “I have been informed that you sprayed pop all over Jewish McColley.” Said Mr. Jaguar.  “Yeah so what?” proclaimed Maezee.  “I’m just going to let you off with a warning missy.” Said the wrinkled principal.  “Listen Maezee, I’m the kind of fellow who gets along with everybody.” He said.  Maezee rolled her eyes.  “I love to have fun with my friends and golf on the weekends.  I have to learn to get along with people I don’t like.” “But you’re so daggum old!” yelled Maezee.  Principal Jaguar lifted up his fist to slam it on the desk  when Maezee said “Watch it old man, you might break something.”  He stopped his hand from slamming and began to open his mouth when suddenly he heard a “squeak squeak” coming from the bookshelf.  “What the?!”  yelled Mr. Jaguar raising out of his seat finding a rat.  He had no fear of the rat, which was quite surprising to Maezee.  He placed the rat quite violently onto the desk and pulled out the small note on the rat’s back.  He unrolled the splotchy piece of paper with a look of anticipation on his repulsive face.  He read it silently and sat in his chair with a puzzled look on his face and immediately ran for the door and then wasn’t seen for the rest of the day.

            Maezee had quite a laugh about that little meeting and made sure to tell Walter.  On her way home, she stopped at an old lady’s house that she liked to visit.  Maezee felt more comfortable around folks of older generations, but unfortunately all of the old folks around town were all a bunch of turds. The old lady’s name was Minerva Swine.  With such a hideous maiden name, people would think of her as a witch or an evil old hag of some sort.  She was actually a very kind old woman and every  time Maezee visited (which was quite frequently) she made cookies for her. Maezee and her loved to talk about the disgusting men of the town. She never acted crazy and wild around Minerva or “Peaches” as Maezee called her.  The reason she didn’t act wild and crazy is because every time that she would visit Minerva, she would walk home with a bear hug full of miscellaneous trinkets ranging all the way from cups to chamber pots. Minerva is a very funny woman and is often seen goofing around. This day Maezee had been waiting in the living room for atleast 15 minutes when Minerva walked in and said, “Well daggum girl I though you were Mr. Jaguar. You know me and him used to be sugar honey gumdrop lovey lovey lovers right?”  “Haha! No I didn’t know that.” , said Maezee.  “Back in the day he was quite an outgoing fellow, but now he’s a big, fat, stupid, jerk.  Maezee shook her head in agreement.  They sat and chatted for sometime about various topics.  Minerva had quite a laugh whenever Maezee told her what had happened today at school. Minerva always keeps a knife by the door because one time a six foot tall midget broke into her house and raided her drawers and stole all of her skirts.  That was twenty years ago and she still talks about it every day.  “Would you like to stay the night tonight honey bee?” Minerva said to Maezee.  “Yeah sure, I would love to, but only if you’ve got a tub of ice cream!”, exclaimed Maezee with a large chuckle.  “Honey bee, if I didn’t have any ice cream, how would I get these love handles?  You get your little tuchas in that freezer and eat your heart out.”  Maezee ran to the freezer before she even finished her sentence.  “I’ll have to call my mom and ask her first If I can spend the night over here.”  She called her mom and she approved of her staying at Minerva’s house.  Thirty minutes later, they were sitting in the living room playing backgammon, which Minerva was totally winning at, whenever her phone rang.  Maezee had never heard her phone ring, but was astonished when she heard her Heavy Metal ring tone.  Minerva hopped into the next room to answer her new “smart phone” which she still couldn’t figure out how to use. “Yes?” , she said with a sweet old lady voice.  “He did what?! Oh my lord, I’ll have to call you back later.”  She hung up the phone and busted into laughter and told Maezee that Mr. Jaguar was in the town square wearing a dunce cap holding a sign that says “I’m a bad bad boy.”  “His wife must get him in trouble quite often I guess! Ha!”  Maezee asked Minerva who she was talking to and she replied, “That was my first husband Willy Nelson.”  Minerva had many husbands, like six or so.  “Time to go to bed kiddo”, said Minerva.  She followed Maezee to her guest bedroom and tucked her in bed. “Now you listen to me sugar pea”, said Minerva. “If you need to use the bathroom, use the chamber pot underneath that bed.  Here at my house we don’t leave our rooms at night, because sometimes giant midgets will break in and try to kill you.” Maezee laughed and said , “Okay”.

 

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