Draco Malfoy and the Rejected Handshake

A scrapbook of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone from Draco Malfoy's point if view. Made for laughs, enjoy!

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14. Undercover footage...

[Spooky muggle music]

Draco: Hello to all of the Wizarding World. It is I, Detective Inspector Sherlock Draco Matilda Malfoy- Poirot-Cleaseau-Holmes, undercover in Hogwarts school. And now, I, Detective Inspector Sherlock Draco Matilda Malfoy Poirot Cleaseau Holmes will sneak out of the Slytherin dorm and rescue the unicorns of the world by putting them into my care. 

[Spooky muggle music]

[Draco vanishes in a puff of smoke, then reappears, coughing manically.]

Draco: Ahem. Yes, as I was saying, I Detective inspector Sherlock Draco Maltilda Malfoy Poirot -

[Ron, Harry and Hermione suddenly appear] 

Draco: ...Cleaseau... Forget the long name. Are you getting this? Now watch as I, Captain Awesome, track down these no good students out of bed and get them put on detention!

Goyle from off screen: Um...Draco... We're out of bed too...

Draco: Whatever. And you can call me Captain Awesome. Awesome. Because I am.

[Draco tosses what little hair he has and winks at camera.]

Draco: Because I'm worth it! Unlike you slobs. Now follow me...

[Spooky muggle music as Draco walks towards Ron and Hermione, disappearing after Harry down a huge corridor.]

Draco: Come on boys... McGonagall will regret the day she rejected my fashion advice!!!! And Potter... Potter will regret the day HE REJECTED MY .... rejected my... handshake...

[Draco starts sobbing uncontrollably. Crabbe grabs the camera and turns it to face himself.]

Crabbe: And on the next exciting episode of Undercover Hogwarts Footage, see if the out of bed Gryffindors -

Draco from off screen: HE REJECTED MY HAAANNNDDDSSSHHHAAKKKKEEE!!!! 

Crabbe: Ahem... Um...If the out of bed Gryffindors get what they...

Draco from off screen: WAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Crabbe: Um.. Get what they.. Um...

Draco from off screen: I WANT MY POPSICLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

Crabbe: Yeah... Get what they Popsicle.. Um... I mean...

Draco from off screen: IM TELLING THE PIZZZAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Crabbe: I mean pizza... Um er deserve... Get what they deserve... Er...

[Spooky music interrupted by Draco's wailing and screaming.]

Goyle from off screen: Cut! Cut! 

Crabbe (sarcastically) : Yeah... A bit late for that Goyle. You're forgetting this is live to the Slytherin dorm...

Draco: WHAT?! NO!!! MY REPUTATION!! WHAT WILL MY PRECIOUS PANSYWANSYWOOWHOISASBEAUTIFULASTHEUNICORNWEWERESUPPOSEDTOSMUGGLEINTOHOGWARTS

THINK OF ME? WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

Goyle: Cut! Cut Cut!

Crabbe: I'll cut you up in a minute, Goyle...

[Crabbe runs off screen brandishing wand.]

[Draco sobs uncontrollably until the camera screen turns black.]

 

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