Draco Malfoy and the Rejected Handshake

A scrapbook of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone from Draco Malfoy's point if view. Made for laughs, enjoy!


22. Potion Commotion

Draco reads: Danger lies before you, while safety lies behind, 
Two of us will help you, whichever you would find, 
One among us seven will let you move ahead, 
Another will transport the drinker back instead, 
Two among our number hold only nettle wine, 
Three of us are killers, waiting hidden in line. 
Choose, unless you wish to stay here forevermore, 
To help you in your choice, we give you these clues four: 
First, however slyly the poison tries to hide 
You will always find some on nettle wine's left side; 
Second, different are those who stand at either end, 
But if you would move onward, neither is your friend; 
Third, as you see clearly, all are different size, 
Neither dwarf nor giant holds death in their insides; 
Fourth, the second left and the second on the right 
Are twins once you taste them, though different at first sight.


Draco: "Confusing much? I'm calling Crabbe,"

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Crabbe: "Hello?"

Draco: "Crabbe? Is that you?"

Crabbe: "I think so... Wait, let me go check! Be right back"

Draco: "Check? Check what?"

Line gets cut.

Draco: "Crabbe? Are you still there? Oh... you left didn't you?"

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Crabbe: "Hello?"

Draco: "Where in the name of the Dark Pizza did you go, Crabbe?"

Crabbe: "To check if... wait... did you just say my pizza is dark? AAAAHHHHH!!!!!"

Draco: "No Crabbe... I - I -"

Line gets cut.

Draco: "Stupid Crabbe..."

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Goyle: "Hello?"

Draco: "Goyle! You are so much better than Crabbe!"

Goyle: "I am?"

Draco: "No, you both are stupid. Anyways listen! I've got a problem."

Goyle: "Then solve it."

Draco: "That's what I need help with, smart one!"

Goyle: "Then get help."

Draco: "That's what I'm doing! Why do you think I called you?"

Goyle: "Don't ask me. I thought you were the pizza delivery man with my dark pizza..."

Draco: "Idiot! The Dark Pizza is my nickname for Voldy-Moldy! Now are you going to help me or not?"

Goyle: "Voldy is moldy? Ewwww!"

Draco: "You are quite the genius, aren't you, Goyle?"

Goyle: "I don't get you... first you say I'm better than Crabbe, then you say I'm stupid, and then you call me smart, and then you say I'm an idiot... and now you're telling me I'm a genius? Which one am I?"

Draco: "Goyle, I can't waste my time here... I'm in a bit of a trouble here!"

Goyle: "Oh wait a second, I'm getting another call. IT MUST BE THE PIZZA DELIVERY GUY WITH MY DARK PIZZA!!!"

Line gets cut.


Draco swings his arms in disgust, accidentally knocking over the potions on the table. The vials rolled off the table, spilling their contents into the black fire guarding the exit door. The mixture of the potions created such a strong aura that they extinguished the fire completely.

Draco: "Learn from the true genius, Goyle. It's good to be clumsy, sometimes."


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