Draco Malfoy and the Rejected Handshake

A scrapbook of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone from Draco Malfoy's point if view. Made for laughs, enjoy!


23. Mirror of Erised - A chapter from Draco's memoirs

There was one time I remember well, right back in my first year at Hogwarts. Lovingly, I'll still call it one of my finest moments, reminiscing on the way I tackled several obstacles set by various mundane proffesors with absolute ease. After conquering a three headed dog, defeating a Draco eating plant, tackling flying keys without even calling on my unicorn friends, whooping ass at wizard chess (pathetic game really. that's what I've always told popsypoo anyway!) tying a troll up in knots and using my amazing lesser known powers of telekinesis to deduce that potion number.... Er.... 7.... Was the correct answer, I finally came face to face with my last and final terror.

Despite the brave boy I was, even I couldn't stop the tremor in my legs or the way I whimpered almost pleadingly "POPSSSSSSYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!" at the top of my high pitched squealing voice. Although I knew I should run away, I was frozen quite stiff apart from my trembling fake moustache which I'd forgotten I'd been wearing the whole time. And then, tears starting to stain my cute red little puckered up old soggy beetroot of a face, I yelled the word, "PIZZZZZAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!"

Unfortunately, no one answered and the horror that was in the middle of the floor didn't go away. It stayed there, getting more and more terrifying with every growing second. My heart in my mouth, I crept slowly forward and nudged it with the end of my slightly singed middle toe. 

What I saw then only confirmed my darkest fears. 

The thing in the middle of the floor was a UNICORNS NOSE.

At that point, first year little me jumped 90 ft in the air, grew wings and ears bigger than me. (I am NOT exaggerating Pansy. What do you MEAN I just sat down on the floor and tried to teach it a clapping game??!!!! What? I really did grow wings...I bet the Dark Pizza believes me) 

Anyway, then the strangest thing happened right after I JUMPED 90FT IN THE AIR AND GREW WINGS AND EARS BIGGER THAN ME. The nose on the floor began singing. Which was completely normal, obviously. The really weird thing was that it was singing in the Dark Pizza's voice when the nose was obviously a unicorn. The song went something like this:


"I am a nose and not just any nose

I'm part of The Lord Voldemort 

And here's how my song goes...


I'm something called a horcrux 

I stop Voldy from dying

And if somebody eats me then Nagini won't be crying


If I'm eaten I'll be hidden from Dumbledore

Who wouldn't kill a student to get back at Tom

So all you have to do kid, is go NOM NOM NOM NOM" 


I still don't understand a word the nose was saying but it did look rather delicious and it was pretty useless at clapping games. So I did exactly what any unicorn would do for another and ate it. It was quite delicious actually. Then seeing no other signs of danger or Granger or Snotter or Poo Head, I waltzed back up to the fire when a mirror caught my eye. 

I caught a glimpse of myself it as I went past, just to check how gorgeous I was looking! Funnily enough, I was holding a Wizard Of Oz book, Selena Gomez on my arm, the oh so hot star of Wizards of Waverly Place. Meanwhile, the lion the witch and the wardrobe were balanced on my head and Lena Duchannes practiced spells while standing on my shoe. Then I saw myself being turned into a pig by Circe while Medea fed me special poisons. Then the Worst Witch accidentally turned me back and Merlin gave me an award. 

Obviously I'd already met all these celebrities, but for some reason I saw them in a mirror with me. Compared to me, they were all D-. I wouldn't even have wanted to meet them, being the famous Draco Matilda Malfoy. Nope. Not at all. NOO!!! Pansy, I'm being serious. Pansy? Pansy? I DO NOT have a really secret mega crush on Galinda the Good Witch! No! I don't!!! Ohhhhh PANSY! I was TWELVE! What?! You've found the signed posters under my pillow? And the walking talking Galinda doll? And destroyed them?? All of them? WHAT?! NO? NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!




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