Draco Malfoy and the Rejected Handshake

A scrapbook of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone from Draco Malfoy's point if view. Made for laughs, enjoy!

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13. How to Brew An Acne Potion

*EXCERPT FROM TEXTBOOK*

 

How to Brew an Acne Potion

Acne is a common disease for young witches and wizards, but it is also very annoying. This potion shows how to brew an acne potion to surface many pimples on the victim's skin. It works on any witch or wizard, young or old, thin or fat, tall or small, smart or dumb. (That's you, Longbottom.) This potion must be brewed with caution. Once the symptoms begin, the acne doesn't go away for a month. Follow the directions carefully.

Alright Textbook. Lead me to pure revenge on McGonagal...

MWAAAAHAAAAHHHAAAAAHHAAAAAHHHHAAAAAHHHHAAAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAAA!!!!!!

 

Ingredients: 

- 3 snake weeds 

- 1 vial of troll breath -Ew gross, I hear it's really bad for your hair... - Draco

- 2 strips of boomslang skin

- 1 cup of caterpillar hair -Well I'll find that on Granger's ugly head - Draco

- 5 vials of spider venom

Oh I hope these are all available in Snape's storage room... otherwise I'll have to order it from The Witch's Well of Goods... hopefully it isn't so costly this time...

Procedure:

Step 1: Chop the snake weeds to get the juice out. Pour juice into cauldron. Heat the cauldron at a boiling temperature.

Okay.. uh... I couldn't find snake weed. Would gilly weed be ok? I found that by the Black Lake. Although, I'm thinking of leading a petition to Dumbledore to rename it. Maybe the Lake of Unicorn Happiness? Or the Pansywansywooisasbeautifulasaunicorn Lake? So far Crabbe's voted for his own suggestion, the Eat the Mudblood's Lake.

Step 2: Shake the vial of troll breath well before pouring it onto the boomslang skins. Make sure there is a strong essence of the troll breath on the boomslang skins.

Troll breath! Gross! Unicorn breath sounds like a MUCH better option.

Step 3: Rub the boomslang skins together to produce boomslang aura. Set it aside for 5-10 minutes (for best results).

I see these gross white stuff oozing out of the boomslang skin aura... I think I'm supposed to wash it off. But actually, it's doing wonders for my skin... Hmmmm, an hour draped in glistening oozing pus and my skin will be as perfect as Pansy's!!

Step 4: Mix the caterpillar hair with the spider venom. Stir counterclockwise twice.

Stiiirrrrringgggg, stiiirrrrringgggg... Oh Popsicle's going to be so proud once he hears about this! Popsicle's definitely going to hear about this! Though that's no surprise, Popsicle hears about everything...

Step 5: Pour the newly created mixture directly into the cauldron. Let it set for 2 minutes.

2 minutes, huh? That's perfect. I gotta go take a wee... I'll be right back!!!

Step 6: Scrape off the white oozy liquid from the boomslang skin aura into the cauldron. Stir clockwise 8 times.

And I'm back! Woah... wait a second... white oozy liquid? So I wasn't supposed to eat it to see if it tasted like cupcakes? Oh great... now what do I do? I know! I'll use milk instead! It's also white and liquidy. I'll just make it ooze out of the boomslang aura.  Pshh... same thing.

Step 7: Perform the Bubbling Hex on the cauldron while it is still boiling.

The Bubbling Hex? I'm no swotty snot like Granger. You have the wrong guy!! ...Hmmm.... Wait didn't that go something like this: 'Bibbity bobbity bubbly blop' ?

You have successfully created your Acne Potion. Be sure to use it wisely.

Is my finished product supposed to be an icky green mess? I think so. Great! Oh McGonagal! Guess who's in for some pimply problems? Huh? Huh? YOU!! That's right. YOU!! Time for my evil laugh...

MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHHAAAAAAAAAAA

*Any mistakes may cause harmful potion-poisoning. Be sure to be careful.

Mistakes? By the great Draco Matilda Malfoy, the son of the amazingful Lucius *Popsicle* Malfoy, the follower of Voldy-Modly the great Voldemort? I doubt it...

 

After Note:

I poured my Acne Potion into McGonagal's pumpkin juice at breakfast this morning. And guess what happened? When I went to check it after she had left, I found it COMPLETELY EMPTY! I was so happy! But when I went back to the common room, Crabbe was on the couch covered in pimples from head to toe. He had apparently found McGonagal's pumpkin juice goblet smelling extremely delicious and drank it all up before McGonagal got there. Then VOILA!! He was completely acne-fied. Stupid Crabbe, no wonder my Lake suggestions have more votes than his...

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