Draco Malfoy and the Rejected Handshake

A scrapbook of Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone from Draco Malfoy's point if view. Made for laughs, enjoy!

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17. Fluffy Monologue

Don't you worry, my unicorny fans! Draco Matilda Malfoy is here to the rescue! Yes, that humongous dog-monster-thing was quite a horrid sight... and I had to feed the previous page in this book to it, just so I could save my own precious life... but all that isn't important! What's important is that I'm  still ALIVE!... Uh, I mean... WE ARE ALL STILL ALIVE! Wouldn't want Potter and his pals to die before they got detention!

So I followed Potty-head and his gang into the third floor corridor. The one which the Dumb Door (Dumbledore - HAHAHA IM SO GOOD AT NICKNAMES POPSICLE WILL HEAR OF THIS HAHAHA HE'LL BE SO PROUD) had specifically warned us not to go into. It's not like I would listen to the Dumb Door on most circumstances... but... but... I'M SCARED!!! 

NOTE: If anyone asks, Draco Matilda Malfoy the Third did not just admit to being scared. Got it? Got it? Got it? GOOD!

And they opened the door...

and they screamed...

and they screamed some more...

and they cried for help...

and cried some more...

and I didn't help them because I'm practicing to be the Dark Pizza's henchperson...

and that btw means being Evil with a capital E...

and then they cried some more...

and some more...

and then they died.

Or I think they died, but their bodies have somehow disappeared. I wonder if somehow a magical unicorn surfaced out of thin air and took them to Australia. Maybe they're surfing on the beach right now... I WANNA GOOOOOO!!!!!! 

So I followed them, in hopes of going to Australia to surf with the pretty pink unicorn faries. But guess what happened?A three headed dog was there to welcome me in place of my dream unicorn. Think I was disappointed yet? Well then I realized there was a wide hole at its feet in which Potty-head and his friends had disappeared through. I was thinking of plummeting down that hole when I also realized that THE STUPID DOG WAS GROWLING INTO THE HOLE WHILE SNAPPING ITS TEETH INTO THE HOLE AND SPITTING ITS DROOL INTO THE HOLE AND SPREADING ITS NAUSEATING BREATH INTO THE HOLE! YOU THINK I STILL WANT TO JUMP INTO THE SAME HOLE NOW? Nope! Not in a MILLION years! NEVER! You hear me?

So I did the only thing possible. I jumped into the hole. Ok, you can elect me as the leader of the World's Most Stupid People Organization. WAIT NO I TAKE THAT BACK!!! THAT'S POTTER. AND HIS ANNOYING SQUIB FRIENDS! ... Not like I'm holding a grudge that I'm not his stupid squib friend too...

WAIT. I am NOT stupid! How DARE you insult me? Yeah, I'm talking to you! I find the very little time I can spare while I'm plummeting down the (unexpectedly deep) hole, escaping the (really scary) three headed dog, and saving my life to put down a few words in this beloved book of mine for all of you and you return the favor by INSULTING ME? How dare you...

Wait did you just put the blame on ME? Are you claiming that I called MYSELF stupid? And a SQUIB?! You've GOT to be kidding me. Why would I ever do that?

Oh no... Oh no... Oh no... Wait... I hear screaming! Something scarier must be down there! NOOOO!!!! I'M GONNA DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! POOOOOOPSICLEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! (Wait does that say Poopsicle or Popscicle? DOESN'T MATTER! THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH HERE!) HELP ME POOOOOOOOOPSICLEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! I WANT MY PIZZZZZZZA TO GIVE ME A HAND!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

Help... HELP... HHHEEELLLPPP!!!... HHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!

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