She is me

A poem of a girls life

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1. She is me

This poem is based on these words.

She is sad.   She is hurt.   She is dying.   She is alone.   She is lonely.   She is a mess.   
She is judged.   She is ignored.   She is suicidal.   She is stressed.   She is confused.   
She is fucked up.   She is depressed.  She is misunderstood.   She is tired but still living. 
She is hurt but won't show it.   She is screaming but is silent.   She is in pain but still smiling. 
She is me.  

Every time somebody comes up to me, it's hard words that is coming out if their mouths. Words that hurts so much. Words that keeps repeating in my head. Words that makes me wanna cry. Words that make me suicidal. Words that confuse me. Words that goes right trough my heart. Some of you properly knows how I feel. Some of you don't. And some of you are the people that say these words. Some people are to afraid to stand up for them selfs or for other people. People that say these words, only say them to hurt the other person or to make them selfs feel better. But that is only a thing that isn't good. It's never a good thing to lie about people or say things to people that isn't true. Every time you say something to me I feel sad, alone, stressed, lonely, depressed. It makes me feel like a nobody. You should know that I'm am myself and I can stand up for myself. But I'm silent. I'm smiling while I'm in pain. While I want to cry my heart out. While I'm empty inside. While I wast to kill myself for being ugly, a bitch, a little baby, a idiot, a filthy dog, a dirty dog, a smelly garbage and the worst a whore. I hate myself because of you. I'm misunderstood because of you and your little gang. I'm tired of everything but I'm still living my life, because deep inside I actually care about myself and about you. But is still feel like dying every time you come up to me and say words that hurts. I'm a mess and so are you. I'm judged because of you and your hash words. But you are judged to, by some people. They think you are cruel, but to afraid to say anything. Because they are afraid the will end up in my shoes. And they would. I know they would.  Because we where best friends until you thought I was sleeping with your boyfriend, just because he was in my room at a wrong time. Since that day, you have made my life a living hell. And I thank you for that. Because of that it makes me stronger every time. Every time you say a word, I know that it's only a word. A thing you say, that might not be true. But for some reason I believe those words. Like it comes from my mom or dad mouth. But it doesn't. It comes from your mouth. The mouth I don't trust anymore. The mouth that has made rumors about me, that is not true. The mouth that has made my life miserable. But you know it has. Because that is what you want, right? That is what you like to see. To see me crying, because you humiliated me I front of the whole school. To see the bruises on my body after you kicked me, punched me. To see the cuts on my arms, when I cut myself. To hear the news saying I'm in the hospital because I 'fell' down the stairs, that only you know was, because you pushed me. To see other people walking up to me saying I'm ugly and filthy. That is what you want right? That is what you need to make yourself happy. Well I only gave you a few punch and a few kicks, but you always have somebody with you so it's 4 against 1 or more. I hate everything because of you and your 'friends'. I hate the idea of going to school every week day. I hate the idea of going to the mall, because I'm afraid to walk into you. I just hate everything. Well except for my family. They don't even know anything. I just come home from school and I'm happy. But that is just a mask. A mask to cover up all the pain, that is inside of me and outside. I wear long sleeves and never shorts. I always over up my bruises with makeup so nobody sees it. I hate myself so much. But I hate you more. Everyone of my friends has left me, because they are afraid of you. And I hate them for that, for not standing up for me and help me though the tuff times. They just left me standing alone and afraid. I hate you! And I will lean how to handle you, but I think I already know how, I just need to look deeper. Then I will find my inner strength and I will stand up for myself, and for everybody els.

This is writing from my heart, but It's not my experience, I just want people to know that they hurt others. And it is not okay! I hope this will teach some of you, that you are not alone, and you can stand up for yourself, or tell other people your problem. Like you mom, dad, uncle, teacher. Somebody that can help you. And if you have problems, write to me on kik, my name is heskitty. And I will love to talk.

- Nicole  

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