First time ever I saw your face...

It's a story within a story really. Ever wondered what happened to Peeta in prison in the hands of the capitol we know he got hijacked but what happened before that? This is the story of what happens to him and the realization that for the girl he loves- he will be her biggest threat.

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2. chapter 2

 

It's the moon that grants me it's presence when I hear Joanna's voice from the other side of the room that wakes me from my halfway land between sleep and awareness. Ever since I've been here I've never had the luxury of being allowed back into the land of full sleep- A place where no-one can hurt me. I sit up and shuffle to the glass where she lies. I haven't seen Joanna awake for days, and by the way she speaks I can see she's a complete opposite copy from the strong district 7 tribute who entered the arena a few months back, her skin is flaking, her cheeks have caved in and her eyes are out of proportion with her face. Like the morphling who saved my life. "I thought I should tell you what they're going to do with you" she says her voice wobbling. 

 

Everything in my body starts to shake my brain then starts surging warning signals around my body as I try and just imagine what kind of hell they have in store for me. I knew they wouldn't leave me alone, I'm now just a more important part in their games- especially now the whole country is in full scale rebellion. I can tell she's reluctant to tell me, it's like she's navigating walking on egg shells- somehow she thinks she has to tread carefully around me- like in the games I guess, plan an escape from the arena but let the two people you actually want out to be totally oblivious. 

 

She starts off slowly:

 

"They're not looking for answers y'know, they want to play with us- make us pay miserably for what we've done to the country." She gives me a minuet for my mind to register every last scrap of detail she has placed forward for me, before she returns back to navigating. "Death isn't an option, be aware of the fact that they wont kill you, just not us 4 anyway. If they give you too much of something they'll just resuscitate you back so they can do it all over again." I knew that, even though I didn't want to realise the fact I knew I wouldn't be finished any time soon; 

"You'll pay for this terribly- you telling me" not wanting a replay of what happened when they found our escape plans.

She somehow manages a smile, "stuff it I'm in enough trouble as it is" she extends her arms like a bird taking flight, "Have you not seen me? I think I'll survive another round of electricity and water and if  not if I die, lets face it you've done me a favour!" 

She breaths in:

 

"What's the worst thing they could do with you Peeta?"

"Nothing" I bet she was hoping I'd say something worse than what they've actually got in-store for me to ease me in.

"What if you forgot about Katniss, what if you forgot you loved her, and instead hated her and you hate her so much you could kill her?"

 

This sentence hits me like a ton of bricks, I'm winded, yet whimpering, my heart's feeling like it's not beating yet I'm still living. I cling onto the glass as my breathing quickens to an ineradicable speed that I'm on the edge of fainting. "I had to tell you" she says but I don't even give her the courtesy of a reply. I just sit. Isolated and let my body start to kill itself as I try and mentally prepare for the day when I stop loving the girl I've loved for 10 years, the girl that's been my companion in the games, the girl that's supposedly my future wife, the girl I'd happily give my life down for; Friend, neighbour, lover whatever she is, she's my everything.

 

Whimpering like a wounded puppy, I somehow stagger back to my bed.

What if wherever Katniss is she's trying to get me out of here, bring me to where they are?

I then realise what hating her means: I am to be a forever threat to Katniss. I am now far more dangerous to her than the capitol. I can do her greater damage than they ever can For I have the inside key.  The rebels know and trust me, with that all-access-pass I can so easily kill her. All they have to do is drop me outside the rebels camp and let me do the rest. I'm the one that they are planning to use to get Katniss. Not them. And I can't stop it. No. "Joanna if they come and rescue me, can you please kill me before they can save me?" 

 

"Alright"

"Promise?"

"Promise, what are friends for?" she giggles slightly before her tired body drags her back under.

 

With that security I start to smile, at least you'll be with Gale now I think, he'll treat you well you like him allot you've been inseparable since forever; Realising that she can still be happy and safe I give up fighting, give up grieving for the love I've now lost and accept my fate for what it is, don't try and change it, or hide from it- for it will find you. "It's been fun" I say to the peeling walls that stare at me; maybe this is what it's like to be mad? you randomly start talking to objects that will never give you the satisfaction of an answer? For the first time in years I am at peace with myself; I close my eyes knowing it's much easier to care for my broken heart than her broken body. That I'm doing the right thing.

 

But before I truly give up I say my final goodbye to the beautiful girl on fire wherever she is in the world:

"If I ever make it out here alive, I won't be able to stay with you even though I promised you I'd always will" I say reminiscing to the time when 'always' was my answer to her pleading 'stay with me' all those months ago. "But you must remember this: I promise you I'll love you no matter what they do-" 

 

"And that is for always."

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