In The Depths

Loneliness is like a deep dark void, with nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. As much as I try, I just get deeper into the depths of loneliness, and into the depths of my soul. I just want to get out. I don't deserve this.


22. Masculinity Overpowered

We sit in a semi-circle on Harry’s carpet of his family room. And by “we”, I mean Will, Jamie, Harry, and I. After the whole realizing-your-lover-is-a-lesbian event at the airport, we decided to catch up on current events later. So, of course we resorted to Harry’s cozy house, although it wasn’t so cozy with a depressed Will and a pissed-off Jamie.

“So, I take it you two are Will’s homies?” Jamie points to Harry and me as she raises a well-plucked eyebrow.

“Yeah,” Harry says. “And boyfriends.”

Will snorts.

“Cool,” Jamie says. Everything at this moment is pretty much at an awkward level. I can’t help but to feel a little bit of hate towards Jamie. The fact that she basically broke Will’s heart is a deal breaker.

“Okay, Will, can you not make that pouty face?” Jamie questions and points to Will, who’s face is cupped in his hands and his lips is curled downward.

“Uh, sure. I will when you realize that all my hopes and dreams are crushed.” He pushes his glasses up his nose angrily. I sigh, and so does Harry.

“C’mon,” Jamie responds. “We can still be friends. It’s not my fault that I like girls now. Ask Harry and Louis. It just comes to them.”

I honestly don’t want to get into this drama. If Jamie is gay, so be it. If Will is being a baby, so be it. But anything would be better than me trying to defend Jamie, because A; Yeah, she is kind of cocky, and B; Will is closer to me than I am to her.

“Erm,” Harry slowly turns his head to me. I could tell he doesn’t want to be involved either. “Louis, come with me to the kitchen to uh, make some cookies for all of us.” He flashes Jamie a fake smile and stands up along with me.

The kitchen is messy and untidy, but it’s not like I expect anything less. Pots and pans are scattered across the countertop, with silverware sprinkled around the sink.

“As you can tell,” Harry mutters. “I don’t fancy doing dishes.”

“Me neither,” I respond with, plucking a plump grape off of a vine in the clean side of the sink. “But what we need to discuss is this whole heartbreak cry baby situation.”

“Y’know what I think?” Harry says. “I think Jamie is sort of a bitch.”

“I agree.” I bite half of a grape off and squirt the juice from the other half into Harry’s face. He giggles and swats the grape onto the ground. “So should we just keep talking to her?”

“Well I’m not kicking her out of my house or anything. I just think we should push her to be a bit nicer to Will.”

“And,” I point out. “push Will to get over it.”

Harry sighs at the floor. “I kind of get Will for being so devastated. I mean, imagine if, in two years’ time, I suddenly became straight and rubbed it in your face.”

I swallow the burning thought down, loathing the idea of Harry betraying me. Suddenly I have a whole new viewpoint on Will’s behalf: He has every right to be upset. Let him be a puddle of tears and disappointment. It won’t affect me, for all I know. And, in the end, they could be friends.


“So, I take it we’re not making cookies?” Harry’s throaty voice interrupts my thoughts.

I open the refrigerator, look at the contents. Two bananas, some hot sauce, a bagel, and a carton of eggs are all that occupies the space. “I don’t think we can. Unless we make cookies that are spicy and diarrhea triggering.”

“You know what’s diarrhea triggering?” Harry wraps his arm around me.


“Seeing Fifty Shades of Grey in Will’s bookcase.”

I laugh and push his arm off. “You really hold me close while talking about diarrhea and erotic novels?”

“Two of my favorite things.”

We decide to go back into the family room. Will is sitting with his arms crossed, obviously holding back tears. I feel a pang of sympathy for the guy. He’s obviously in pain, and it must be hard for him to face his only love, only to get slapped with the fact that she would never get sexually or even emotionally driven to males. Jamie is looking down at the carpet, breathing out through her nose and shaking her head. It’s obvious that she’s tried to persuade Will to have a heart, forgive her for… well, being gay.

“Cookies?” Will asks.

“Harry only carries bruised fruit and hot sauce.” I sit down on the floor, legs spread out in front of me. Harry sits next to me, shaking his curly hair.


Jamie speaks up, “Will, it looks like you just got hit by a plane. I said I never meant to hurt you.” She rolls her eyes.

“What happened to the nice girl, though? I thought that when you saw me in the airport you would hug me and be all teary-eyed, not, y’know, tell me that you can never love me.”

Jamie flutters her eyes. “Yes, because I didn’t want you to be all lovey-dovey a week later, still believing I’m straight. I had to tell you so I could get it over with, dude.”

I could see the hurt in his eyes. “I miss the old you.”

“Excuse me?”

Will ruffles his blonde hair with his hand. “I miss the girl who, if she hurt someone accidentally, would hug them for five minutes really tightly, and keep whispering nice things into their ear until they smiled again. I-I miss the girl who always cracked jokes and was happy every second, the girl who kissed my cheek with a smile on her face and a gleam in her eyes.”

“Will, I-”

Will cuts her off, continuing his sorrowful blabbing. “I miss the girl who played violin to me in the band room at lunch when we were all alone as I studied. I miss the girl who always wore that dorky charm bracelet like a good luck charm. I-”

“Will,” Jamie starts, only to be cut off again.

“I just don’t-”

“WILL!” Her shrill voice pauses his mumbling. She’s finally cracked. “Can you shut up?! Wake up! I’m not your baby girl goody two-shoes anymore. Get a grip and stop being such a…” She claws at the rug with her well-manicured nails. “God. I don’t want to say anything more. You might sob like a baby right here and now and I might have to get you a fucking pacifier.”

I blink twice before softly saying, “Let’s not get out of context, here. We came here to be friends.”

“Friends?” Will spits out suddenly, standing up. He tugs at his hair with a closed fist. “I don’t think I can be friends with this…”

“Will,” Harry pipes up. He stands. “Will, c’mon.”

“I mean, I try to bring back old memories when this-”

I stand up briskly, as does Jamie. I raise my hands and say, “Will, it’s okay.”

“I TRY TO REUNITE AN OLD LOVELIFE AND THIS LESBIAN BITCH COMES AND RUINS MY FUCKING LIFE!” He flings his words directly at Jamie, who is clenching her teeth and closing her fists.

Do not call me a lesbian bitch,” she hisses.

And then her fist is punching his face. The cracking of his glasses echoes around the tall ceilings. Her fist hit with so much force that he falls to the floor immediately, crumpling like a piece of paper. His nose is blue and black and bloody. Blood seeps into his mouth, his eyes flickering with pain and anger.

He’s up, already attacking her. He punches her on the side of her face, getting her square in the ear. She doesn’t fall down, only curses. Obviously, Jamie is the stronger one of the two. She advances towards Will and punches him in the stomach. He groans, grasping his abdomen.

“Jamie!” Harry screams. He’s too late to stop her from injuring Will further.

She furiously knees Will in the crotch with so much force that he falls to the floor again. He lets out a wail, causing his lip to crack open and trickle a deep velvety red. He curls up into a ball and lets out a small whine. I can’t take seeing him like this.

“Get out,” I yell, pulling Jamie back by the shoulders. “I don’t ever want you coming near any of us, ever.”

“I don’t want to see you cunts anyway,” she yells, pulling herself out of my grasp and stomping to Will again. Her voice angrily rips through the atmosphere as she says, “You deserve every ounce of pain you get. You’re an unforgiving bastard who doesn’t have a sincere nerve in his weak body.” She kicks his three times, once in the ribs, once on the shoulder, and once again in-between the legs.

And with that, she’s gone, leaving Will on the floor to sob. 

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