In The Depths

Loneliness is like a deep dark void, with nowhere to go and nowhere to hide. As much as I try, I just get deeper into the depths of loneliness, and into the depths of my soul. I just want to get out. I don't deserve this.

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1. About Me And My Sucky Life

I’ve lost all direction. All my excitement and goals have slipped through my fingertips. It feels like my world has caved in, every day the walls getting a little closer. Whenever something extraordinary -or at least remarkably well arises to me, I don’t have anybody to share it with. I’m cold, always so cold inside, with a hollow feeling deep in the pit of my chest and in my heart, which will never be replaced. All of this is because I am lonely, oh so lonely, and getting lonelier as the time passes.

Moving out of one’s mother’s house is something typical. It is life changing, yes, but definitely not so life changing that it rips something out of your emotional train of thought, like it did to me. Moving away from the people one loves and cherishes is a hard step in life, so hard that one can’t get over it in three or so years, or maybe even more.

At age eighteen I moved out of my childhood home. Parting with my mother and all of my sisters gave me a deep pain, but I got over it. Or so I thought I got over it. A year after I moved that pain came back and bit me in the bottom. I had no friends and no real job, leaving me with myself and my crummy apartment with my crummy roommate and my crummy life.

Things have changed since years eighteen through nineteen. I've managed to get a better apartment, and a job. Don’t get me wrong, the job isn’t one I particularly like. It’s a job, nonetheless, and a job is a job, right? I’ll answer: Right.

I work at a theater of musical arts and Broadway plays. By work, I mean sweep up after the show. It’s pretty ironic, being I’ve always wanted to be an actor. The job just rubs it in my face, because I’m not good enough to be an actor and I’m barely good enough to sweep rose petals off the stage grounds.

Some days, if I’m lucky enough, I get to clean during rehearsals, and if I’m really lucky enough, I can talk to the actors. They sometimes like to share stories of acting with me, or tell me tips. Once, I even practiced with them, but got caught by my boss, almost losing my job. I didn’t lose my job (thank God), or else I would have been a financial wreck. The sad thing is, I take all of these encounters with the actors for granted, and they just think I’m some buzzkill trying to ruin their fun.

Back to topic, back to the subject of loneliness. I do have one acquaintance, but we rarely interact. He’s my neighbor, Jake, and he’s a cool man. At about my age, we only interact whilst getting the mail or going outside to leave. He is way more successful than me. He works at some doctor’s office across town, making shitloads of money, and has a good looking girlfriend. Oh, I would kill to get a shitload of money. On the other hand, I would never kill to get a girlfriend.

I would kill to get a boyfriend, because I’m totally gay. 

I discovered my sexuality when I was about fifteen, ever since I noticed myself checking out hot male magazines rather than hot female magazines. My mum thought I was joking when I told her, but I was not joking. My sisters took it even harder, being they were all so young. They didn’t think boys liked boys, but now they know.

Oh yeah, my name’s Louis Tomlinson. Please sit back and enjoy my exhilarating story. 

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