Falling

Jess is just starting her second semester of being a Junior in high school. To start the semester off, she volunteers to show the new kid around the school. Mainly because she gets to skip gym class, but also because she is intrigued by the idea of meeting someone new. Over the first month of school, Jess becomes really close friend with the new student, but who wouldn't become best friends with Louis Tomlinson. He's funny, entertaining, and not to mention cute, but Jess would never admit to thinking that. Louis is always there for Jess, especially when she gets heart shattering news that changes everything.

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28. Twenty Seven.

On most days, I was with Jared, with my family, with Louis, always doing something to keep my mind busy so I wouldn't have to focus on the things in life that were less than stellar. I always had someone there for me, someone there to keep my thoughts from killing me from the inside out. Whether it was my mom, dad, or Louis, I made sure that someone was around at all times in case my state of mine went in a downward spiral. I needed the reassurance that I would have someone to hold me if I needed it, someone to distract me from what I was thinking, someone to catch me if I began to slip. I struggled with this especially at night, when I would lie in my bed surrounded by nothing but my thoughts. There was often no one beside me when I was in my room at night. Though my parents were only down the hall, it felt like no one was there for me. It was me and my thoughts, which wasn't a good combination.

During a particularly rough night, when my parents were spending the night with Jared, when John was at a friend's house, when I was alone, I found myself slipping at a fast pace. I was losing control of my thoughts and emotions, slowly drifting into a space of hazardous nothingness that was the terrifying wasteland of my mind. I felt paralyzed by my thoughts and fears, stuck in my bed where the thoughts were free to gnaw away at my brain.

“Louis,” I chocked into my phone.

It was an automatic response to call Louis. It was something that I did without thinking, without fully knowing what I was doing. It was a natural reflex, one that meant saving me from falling any further. I knew that he kept his phone's ringer on at all times, all hours of the day, just in case I would need him. Which was lucky for me, since I was calling at nearly two in the morning.

“Jess?” Louis sounded panicked. “What's going on?”

“I need you,” I said through broken breaths.

“I'll be there in five minutes.”

“Please,” I sobbed. “Don't... Hang... Up.”

“Okay, Jess. Okay,” I could hear the sound of his movements through the phone. “I'm putting on my shoes. I picked out my black vans. Classic shoes. I ought to get you a pair someday. Okay, now I'm getting into my car and starting it. My engine has been making this really loud squeak lately, I bet you can hear it. Listen... See? It's horrible. Now I'm pulling out of my driveway. I just passed my neighbors house, who still has their Christmas lights up in the middle of March.”

Louis continued to talk to me until he got to my house. He told me about everything he drove past, every detail that he could think of. It calmed my racing heart to him talk about things that were simple. I closed my eyes as he talked and tried to picture what he was saying, in an attempt to push out the current images scrolling through my mind. And, soon enough, Louis was knocking on my bedroom door.

As soon as he saw the state I was in, he raced over to my bed and was holding me in an instant. I was in his arms, face tucked into his neck, arms around his body, sharing the warmth of the person that means the world to me. It took a while for me to calm down enough to be able to take a full breath without choking on a sob. It took a while for me to stop shaking. It took a while for me to clear my mind back to an empty state.

“What's on your mind, Jess?” Louis whispered to me.

We had gone from an upright position to laying down on my bed, my head pressed to his chest, finding the steady beat of his heart calming to my mind that was buzzing with unnecessary thoughts.

“Everything,” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I'm terrified to live in a world without my brother.”

Louis didn't say anything.

“I can't imagine what will happen when he's gone. It's going to hurt me everyday,” I continued. “Worst of all, I don't know how my parents will handle it. I don't think they can, I don't think their hearts are strong enough to lose one of their children and still be able to live a normal life. I don't think they will be able to move on, not even in the slightest. It scares me that I may also lose my parents in the midst of losing Jared.”

I turned my head to look at Louis for the first time since he sat down. His eyes were swollen and tinted red, like he had been crying earlier. His breathing ragged as he stared at the ceiling. He blinked and tears fell from his eyes. I had seen him cry only once before, but this time it hurt more. It felt like a part of me was being ripped in half.

“Are you crying?” I croaked.

“No,” he sniffled.

“Yes, you are,” I frowned.

I turned my head to look at Louis and placed my hands on his cheeks, forcing him to look at me. I felt my lip tremble when we made eye contact, seeing how truly upset Louis was. I hadn't imagined that he would cry. He's the strong one in our relationship and it hurt me deep inside to see him cracking.

“Why are you crying?” I asked him, using my thumbs to wipe the tears from his face.

“I was so scared when you called me,” He cleared his throat. “I heard your voice, the panicked tone you had, and I thought I wouldn't be able to help you this time. I thought that I wouldn't be enough to calm you, and that thought scares me. I always want to be enough for you. And when I saw the state you were in, it broke my heart to see you in such a large amount of pain. I would take away your pain if I could, in an instant I would. I hate seeing you like this.”

His words sent a chilling feeling down my spine that felt like tarantulas were crawling on my back.

“You mean so much to me, and it tears me up that you are in constant pain,” he continued, hugging me closer to him. “I just feel like there is nothing I can do.”

“Louis, everything you do helps me. Being next to you is enough to calm me down. You helped me when you talked to me on the phone while you were coming over here, you helped me when you sat with me and held me close, you help me by just existing. Please don't ever think that you aren't enough because you are more than enough.”

Louis' chest rose as he took a deep breath.

“I hate crying,” he shut his eyes as more tears escaped his eyes.

“I hate seeing you cry,” I told him.

Louis looked at me and smiled, his eyes swollen and his nose red. His fingers moved to tuck my hair behind my ear, before resting on my cheek. I closed my eyes and sighed, laying back with Louis. He held me close to him, like he was scared that I would slip away at any moment. His presence comforted me in my moment of darkness, which become something that I was always thankful for. He was my solace, my safe haven.

Slowly, I fell asleep. It was an easy slip into the darkness of rest, which felt like a heavy blanket resting over me. I was whisked away in the nighttime and became bombarded with dreams that prevented a solid nights sleep. It was Louis that allowed for a few hours of complete solitude inside my mind. But, soon enough, I was awake and thinking too much about the events that plagued my mind.

“What are you thinking about?” Louis whispered suddenly into the quiet room.

The sun had just begun to rise. Sunlight was peaking through the curtains in my bedroom, allowing for a slight glow to illuminate my surroundings.

“Jared,” I brushed the hair out of his eyes.

His eyes were glassy and full of sleep, a clear sign that his night of rest was no better than mine.

“Shh,” he said, placing his hand over my mouth. “Happy thoughts only.”

I smiled lightly at the boy in front of me, the boy that captured all the beauty in the world in a single body.

“I have something for you,” the lovely boy said.

“You do?”

“Yeah,” he rolled onto the floor with a thud. He crawled over to the bag that he left on my floor the night before and pulled a little box out of it. When he crawled back over, he playfully shoved me over, declaring that I was being a bed hog.

He rested his back against the headboard of his bed and smiled at me as I moved to sit in front of him. He leaned over and kissed me, my hands going to his neck as his lips moved against mine. He pulled me closer to him until I was practically in his lap before he pulled away, lightly biting my lip as he did so. I felt so close to him, his scent invading my senses and filling me with happiness and feeling so light that I felt like I was floating away.

“Here,” Louis said as he handed me the present that was momentarily forgotten about.

Our fingers brushing as he handed me the box.

“Oh, my God, Jess. Our fingers touched. It's meant to be,” Louis said in a girly voice while he waved his hands in the air. “Hold on, I need a moment.”

“You are so weird,” I laughed.

“This is a sign,” he continued. “I mean, did you feel that spark?”

“Oh, my God. You felt it, too?” I exclaimed, playing along.

“Do you know what this means?” He asked, holding my cheeks between his hands.

“What?”

“This is true love,” he nodded.

I giggled. “We're soul mates.”

“Imagine the spark that would occur if we kissed.”

“Let's try it,” I said.

Louis leaned forward in an exaggerated slow movement and kissed me.

“Electric,” I smiled as I pulled away.

“I think I may faint,” Louis joked, holding the back of his hand to his forehead.

“Weren't you going to give me a present?”

I shook it, joking about how I hoped that it was a puppy and tore off the blue wrapping paper off the box. Inside the box was a gold necklace with a heart pendant that was no bigger than the size of a penny. It was simple, sophisticated, and stunning.

“I was going to give it to you on your birthday, but I forgot,” Louis smiled a clumsy smile.

“Oh, Louis,” I sighed. “It's amazing.”

“So, you like it?”

“I love it.”

“I'm glad,” he smiled again.

He took the box from my hands and pulled out the necklace. He motioned with his hand for me to turn around, so I complied, lifting my hair off my shoulders as I did so. Louis' hands came around the front of me, clasping the necklace around my neck. The heart pendant fell between my collarbones. Louis kissed the side of my neck before his arms wrapped around my waist and pulled me back against his chest.

“I love you,” I told him.

“I love you more.”

“I doubt that.”

“It's the truth.”

“Nope,” I shook my head. “There is no way that you love me more than I love you.”

“But I've loved you longer than you've loved me.”

“Oh, yeah. Throw that out there,” I turned my head to look up at him and smiled. “I really love you.”

Louis' sweet smile appeared, and he stood up and held his hand out to me. I took it and stood before the boy that represented my whole world. He looked at me, his blue eyes looking as clear as ever in the sunlight sneaking in through the cracks in the blinds. We stared at each other, unblinking and unmoving. I moved closer to him until our noses were touching, our lips brushing against each others. Louis smiled, still looking into my eyes.

“You have amazing eyes,” Louis told me.

“So do you.”

“Why are we being so fluffy today?”

“Because we can,” I shrugged.

“Then we have to act punk rock tomorrow.”

“Deal.”

“Seal it with a kiss?” Louis asked hopefully.

And so we did.

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