Falling

Jess is just starting her second semester of being a Junior in high school. To start the semester off, she volunteers to show the new kid around the school. Mainly because she gets to skip gym class, but also because she is intrigued by the idea of meeting someone new. Over the first month of school, Jess becomes really close friend with the new student, but who wouldn't become best friends with Louis Tomlinson. He's funny, entertaining, and not to mention cute, but Jess would never admit to thinking that. Louis is always there for Jess, especially when she gets heart shattering news that changes everything.

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14. Thirteen.

I knew that I needed to find a way to apologize to Louis for what I had said. The only problem was that I couldn't figure out how to make up for everything, considering how awful it was. I knew that I screwed up when he started to cry, but when he took me home instead of going to the movie that we had planned on going to, I knew that it was worse than I thought. The guilt that I felt was weighing me down. All I wanted to do was take back what I said. I knew that there was no reason for me to act like I did. And I know that he may never fully forgive me, I don't blame him on that, but I have to try to make up for it.

When I arrived home early, my parents were worried that something had happened. I simply told them that Louis had started to feel ill and didn't want to end up getting sick on our first date, so we decided to call it a night. I don't think they believed me, because I'm a terrible liar, but they didn't push the topic. So, I went to my bed and laid awake for hours, replaying every horrible thing that I said that night.

At three in the morning, I realized that the person that I needed to talk to was Jenna. I needed to talk to her about what had happened with Louis, so I could get her opinion on the situation and see if she knew what I should do. Not only did I need to talk to her about Louis, I needed to talk to her about Jared. She's been in the dark for so long, she deserves to know what is going on.

Four hours later, the sun was rising, and my mind was set on going to see Jenna. Though my brain had only gotten a few hours of sleep, I had to get up and talk to her. I really needed her right now. Though it was still early, I knew that she would be up for one reason and one reason only. It was Sunday, and her mom would be making pancakes, like she does every Sunday.

I dragged myself out of bed and quietly got ready. I brushed my teeth and threw on a sweatshirt, before going downstairs and leaving a note for my parents. They weren't up yet, as it was only a little past seven in the morning, and I didn't want to wake them up to let them know where I was going. They needed the sleep.

When I got to Jenna's house, it took me a while to convince myself to get out of my car. I sat in my car for a while, breathing and talking myself into getting up. But, when I finally approached Jenna's front door, I was so glad that I made the decision to go to her house.

“Jess!” Jenna's mom greeted me at the door. “Welcome. Jenna's in her room right now, but the pancakes should be done pretty soon.”

“Okay, thank you,” I smiled at her. I slid of my shoes and made my way upstairs. I took a breath as I stood outside Jenna's room, thinking about what she was going to think about me just randomly showing up at her house, especially after not seeing her for so long. Then, I began to panic and regret coming here, and I probably would have turned around and gone back home, if Jenna hadn't of opened her door and seen me in the hall.

“Dude,” she smiled at me. “I saw you park your car on the street like, ten minutes ago. What is taking you so long to come into my room?”

“I got scared,” I said, swallowing back tears and pulling Jenna into a much needed hug. Jenna hugged me back then pulled me into her room, sitting us down her bed.

“Are you going to tell me where you disappeared to? Or do you not want to?” She asked me.

“Well, it's about Jared,” I said.

The room got ten degrees hotter, shrinking rapidly, as I tried to bring up Jared.

“Jess, we have been friends forever. Don't freak out,” she told me, putting her hand on my arm.

“He has leukemia,” I said, looking at Jenna.

She didn't say anything, and the silence felt heavy on my chest. She didn't say anything at all, just moved closer and hugged me. And it was the best response that I could have asked for.

She didn't ask any questions about it, just silently comforted me until her mom called us down for pancakes. After that, we fell back into our normal routine with each other, betting on who could eat the most pancakes, laughing, smiling, and being best friends.

Jenna filled me in on all the recent drama happening at school. Including the rumors about Louis and , one in particular being that we ran away together because I got pregnant with his baby. She told me that no one really believed it. It was just the only thing to talk about, so people were spreading it around the school like crazy. That didn't bother me that much; who cares what any of them think of me anyway.

“Can you believe it's already March? This year is going by way too fast,” Jenna said, as we sat in her room after breakfast.

“I know. It's crazy to think about school ending in three months. Then, we're going to be seniors,” I said back to her.

“That's so weird,” she replied, shaking her head.

The thought that I've known Louis for three months now and have already managed to cause a huge dent in our friendship makes me sick.

“So, what was it like staying with Louis?” She asked me.

“It was actually a lot of fun. I mean, besides the fact that I was crying and sleeping most of the time, I enjoyed myself. His parents are very nice, and his mom cooks amazing food.”

“Have you two hooked up yet?” She asked, as though it was an inevitable thing.

“Definitely not,” I smacked her on the arm. “But, we did go on a date.”

“Oh, my God! Details!” She screeched.

“It was horrible,” I frowned. “He was being so nice to me and so gentleman-like. It stirred up all kinds of feelings in me, so I did the stupidest thing ever and kissed him.”

“Why's that so bad?”

“Okay, well, I never told you this, but when Louis first met my parents, we kissed twice.”

“How could you not tell me that!” She whacked me on the arm.

“I forgot!” I laughed, pushing her away from me. “Anyway, when I kissed him on the date, it was our third kiss, and it wasn't legit or anything. You know what I mean?”

“I guess. But, I have one question.”

“Yeah?”

“How was the kiss?” She wiggled her eyebrows.

“It was okay,” I blushed. “Okay, a little more than okay. I really, really liked it. Which freaked me out.”

“I can understand that. Okay, continue.”

“Okay, so after that, I basically told him that I regretted kissing him and that I only went on the date with him because I thought I could start to like him. So, I totally shot him down, and he got so upset. Like, really upset, Jenna. We left the restaurant early, and when we were in his car, he started crying. He told me that it was okay, but I know that it's not. I basically told him that I will never like him the way he likes me. Which isn't even that true. I don't know what to do to make up for it. It's killinf me to know that I hurt him so bad, especially since he's always been there for me. And I can't be there for him right now, because I'm the reason that he's so upset,” I said, flopping over onto my back and covering my face with my hands.

Jenna thought about what I said for a couple seconds, before she started talking.

“That really sucks, Jess. That's a really hard thing to fix. You totally screwed up, to be honest. I know for a fact that he really likes you, and this had to crush him. He's told me so many times that he really wants to ask you out. I can tell that whenever he's around you, he just gets happier. He also stares at you with a dopey look in his eyes, which is kind of creepy, but that's besides the point,” she laguhed. “Obviously you guys can't kiss and make up. If it were me, I would plan a whole day of his favorite activities, and then tell him how sorry I am every two seconds. Whatever you do, you have to make it special.”

“Okay, I can do something like that,” I said, sitting up again. “Thank you, Jenna.”

“No problem, that's what best friends are for,” she said, leaning over to give me hug.

“I think I'm going to go now. I have to figure something out for Louis. I'll see you at school tomorrow, though,” I gave her another hug.

“See you then,” she said, waving as I left her room.

On my way back home, I thought about all the things that I could do for Louis. He's told me before that he really likes soccer and old movies, which isn't a lot to go off of, but, knowing him, including all the little things that I know about him will make everything special. It helps that it's only a three day week of school this week, because Spring Break begins on Thursday, so I have time to plan everything out.

Talking to Jenna really helped with sorting my mind out. It also lifted a huge weight off of my shoulders, knowing that she wasn't mad at me. She really knows the best advice for every situation, especially the really complicated ones, like Louis and me. She gave her honest opinion, which helped me see everything from another point of view, and she also told me an outsiders view of how Louis feels about me.

I find it hard to believe that Louis really likes me as much as she says. I mean, Louis told me that he likes me, but he hasn't gone into that much detail about it. He hasn't told me the full extent of his feelings. It would be interesting to know how he truly feels about me. I want to know what runs throgh his head when he hears my name, if his heart races when I walk into the room, and if his palms sweat when he thinks about me.

I like the thought of someone like Louis feeling that way about me. Someone funny and sweet, someone that my parents love, and someone who is like a brother to me. Someone who makes me laugh almost every second we are together. Someone who makes my cheeks hurt from smiling too much. Someone who makes my sides hurt and makes me feel like I may pee my pants when we laugh together. Someone who I trust my life with. Someone I feel more comfortable with than I sometimes do in my own house. Someone like Louis, the perfect boy that knows just how to talk to me to make me feel better about everything going on in my life. The one who causes me to go weak at the knees at times but also makes me feel to embarrassed to be alive at times. The boy whose appearance is enough to make me forget things. And the boy with the lips that I haven't stopped thinking about since the first time we kissed.

Maybe I do like Louis.

I wish that I could talk to my mom about this, but I really don't want to get her involved. It's too messy to involve more people, and what Jenna told me helped me a lot. But, if what I plan isn't enough, then I will have to ask my mom.

I hope my plan works. I don't know what I will do if it doesn't. I already can hardly function knowing that Louis must be hurting and knowing that it's all my fault. I don't think I will be able to go all Spring Break without him. Especially since we have plans to go camping at a lake nearby with the rest of the gang. It would be awfully awkward sharing a tent with Louis after making a fool of myself while trying to cheer him up. I really want to have fun on this trip, without having to worry about Louis still being upset with me.

I really need to stop over thinking this. I should call Louis and see if he wants to do something.

I sent him a text, hoping that he would respond as a sign that he was okay.

To British Mania: Want to do something?

From British Mania: YES. I was just about to text you the same thing.

To British Mania: Yay! Do you want to come over? Home alone.

From British Mania: I'm already on my way.

I smiled at the screen of my phone and got out of bed to make myself a little more presentable. I ran a brush through my hair and changed out of pajamas into a pair of leggings and one of Louis' shirts. I couldn't tell you how or why I had one of his shirts in my room, but it was comfy and smelled like Louis, so I wore it. Once I no longer looked like a hobo, I made my way downstairs and into the kitchen. As I turned the corner, I saw someone going through my first. I screamed at the top of my lungs, my heart stopping for a split second, until I saw who it was.

Louis!” I exclaimed. “What are you doing in my house!”

What does it look like? I'm looking for something to eat. All you have is healthy things, where is all the junk food?” He asked, closing the fridge door.

You can't just walk into people's houses!” I yelled, hitting him on the arm.

If you don't want people to walk in, then you should learn to lock your front door,” he said, as if it was a normal thing for him to walk into my house without me knowing.

You're luck that I don't own pepper spray.”

And you're lucky that I'm not some weirdo.”

You are some weirdo, Louis.”

Ha ha. Anyway, I'm here. What do you want to do?”

Movie?”

Alright, let's go!” He said, running towards me and throwing me over his shoulder. I screamed as he ran up the stairs, not stopping until he, not-so-nicely, threw me onto my bed.

If you keep doing that, I think I might have a heart attack,” I said.

You should be used to it by now. I'm surprised that it still catches you off guard,” he told me.

He laid down next to me, on his stomach. He rested his chin on his hands, with his legs bent at the knee, swinging back and forth.

You're such a girl,” I said.

You have no idea,” he said, snapping his fingers in a circle.

Freak,” I laughed. “What do you want to watch?”

I'm in the mood for Finding Nemo.”

Sounds good to me,” I agreed, standing up to get the movie from my desk.

Cuddle with me, Jessi-poo!” Louis said, flopping over onto his back, as I came back over to my bed.

I laid down beside him and laid my head on his chest. I felt weird doing this, considering what happened last night. We haven't fully made up, but it must have not bothered Louis. He happily cuddled closer to me, making it seem like we were on perfect terms with each other.

Hey, Louis? Can I ask you a question?”

No, Jess. I'm sorry, but we can't run away together. No matter how many times you ask me, I just can't agree to that,” Louis responded, smiling at me like he was the funniest person in the world.

Louis--”

Okay, fine. I'll run away with you.”

Louis, I'm serious,” I told him, sitting up and leaning against the headboard of my bed.

Sorry,” he sat up as well. “What were you going to ask?”

What were you thinking last night?” I asked him quietly, looking at my hands.

He paused. “Like, the whole night?”

Sure.”

Well. When I came to your house to pick you up, I was thinking about how nervous I was to finally be going on a date with you. I was beyond nervous, because I didn't want to mess anything up. I wanted it to be perfect, because I wanted you to smile. I love seeing you smiled, and you haven't been smiling that much lately, so I though having a good night could help you smile more. And when I saw you come down the stairs, I didn't feel nervous anymore. It was just you, my best friend, and I shouldn't have been nervous. All of my jitters were gone and all I could think about was how amazing you looked.

After that, I was freaked out a little bit in the car because you grabbed my hand, which I wasn't expecting. It caught me off guard, but that only made it better because I love toughing you. Oh, that sounded wrong, but you know what I mean. I love being close to you like that. Your hands are so soft and they feel so nice in mine,” Louis stopped to take my hand in his. “It always makes me happy to hold your hand. I felt so lucky to be next to you, with my arm around you, with your hand in mine, taking you on a date.

And then that stupid waiter starting hitting on you, and it made me so mad. I didn't want anyone else to think about you because you were there with me. I didn't want to imagine you being there with anyone else because I had finally gotten my chance to be with you. But then you got upset about our friends and kissed me. When you kissed me, I finally felt like I had found my place, like I belonged with you. I thought that I had finally won you over and that you really did feel the same about me. When you said that you shouldn't have done that, that you regretted kissing me, it was like everything that I had worked for came crashing down around me. I had worked so hard to keep my feelings hidden from you since we meet, and then to make sure that our date went perfectly. As harsh as it sounds, you ruined all of that by saying you shouldn't have kissed me. And then you made it worse by not shutting up,” he paused to chuckle a little.

I know that you didn't mean to sound all mean as you did, but it hurt so bad, Jess. I was mad at first, because I just wanted everything to be perfect for you, and then I was mad because I just wished that you would like me back. I didn't get how I could be so head-over-heels for you without you even liking me a little bit. When we got back to my car, the anger that I felt was replaced with sadness. And, as unmanly as it sounds, I tried so hard not to cry but I just couldn't help it. I couldn't stop thinking about everything that you had said to me and hurt so much. It hurt my head to think about it.

“I don't know if you know this, Jess, but I like you a lot. I have wanted to ask you since that first week we meet, but I knew that it wasn't a good idea. I knew that you didn't like me back, and I didn't want to make a fool of myself by asking you out and getting shot down. And when we kissed that one night, it was because I knew that it was my only chance to kiss you. I knew that I would never get to chance to feel your lips on mine again, so I went for it. And we ended up kissing twice, which, sadly, fueled my hope that we would maybe get together someday.

“But after you stayed with me, I started to lose hope. I knew that you only thought of me as a friend, and would always think of me as a friend, when you thanked me for being like a brother to you. You have no idea what that did to me. It was like I was thrown head first into a hole and then was buried. Part of me saw it coming, so in that moment I was able to keep my reaction normal. But, once you left, I left myself break down just enough to be able to move on. But that was impossible.

“I'm getting off topic here, but last night was going to be the best night of my life. I could feel it. I knew that things were going to be perfect, and I knew that it was going to be the beginning of our relationship. I was wrong, obviously, because it ended up with me crying with my mom. I spent the rest of last night in my bed, and I would have spent the rest of today in my bed, too, but I decided that I needed to see you. So, I showered and got dressed and planned on coming over to your house because I really needed something to cheer me up. Seeing you always cheers me up. Then, you texted me to come over, and I couldn't help but get excited. I love when you text me because you send really cute messages and sassy remarks to my stupidity. Okay, I keep getting off topic. That's basically what I was thinking last night, and some of what I've been thinking since I met you,” he ended his story with a chuckle.

He was still holding my hand, his thumb rubbing circles over mine.

To say that I felt bad would have been an understatement. The heavy feeling had returned to my chest, making me feel like I was sinking through my bed. Louis telling me all of that opened my eyes to everything that he must be feeling.

Last night wasn't the first time that I've crushed his heart.

“I'm so sorry, Louis. I know sorry isn't good enough, but I'm so incredibly sorry for everything I have done to you. If I had known--”

“No, it doesn't matter. If you had known, then we wouldn't be where we are now. We wouldn't be as close. Even though I have been hurt before, it wasn't your fault, and I got over it. I wouldn't change a thing, because I'm so glad that we are friends,” he said.

“I don't deserve to be friends with you,” I frowned.

“Of course you do,” he pulled me close to him.

His arms went around my waist, pulling me onto his lap. I buried my head into the side of his neck, loving the feeling of being in his arms. I tried not to think about what he had told me, because the more that I thought it, the more I realized that I have hurt him more than I originally thought.

The longer we hugged, the more I regretted some of the moments we have had together. Which defeats the purpose of everything Louis just told me, but I couldn't help it. Because while they were fun for me, they had to be killing him on the inside.

 

a/n: just over 4,000 words, BOOM.

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