recover my love

Its hard you know?
When someone close to you is ripped away.
Never going to hug again.
See smile again.
It hurts.
Its a feeling you can't explain.
Just a numb, empty feeling.
That's when a savoir comes along, to teach you how to smile again, love and laugh.
My recovery.


3. three.

Ok, so this chapter contains graphic description about self harm, so don't read if you are easily harmed by this. 


Fuck sake. 

I can't do this. I hesitate before opening the box for me that was delivered today from her will. 


A letter is taped on the lid, I carefully peel it off, I stare down at the label which states 'Ailish'  

I take a deep breath before slowly opening up the sheet. 


Dear my beautiful Ailish, I know this is hard for you. I guess that if you are reading this then I am actually gone. Wow that seems weird to write. I just want you to know that you are the most beautiful and strong girl out there. I need you to be happy for them, you know your cousins, can you kiss them on their forehead, just in between their eyebrows just above that would be great. I want you to play the piano to them. Teach little Katie how to because I was meaning to but never got around to it. Could you help wee Jamie how to play football please? I know this is a lot to ask for but please? 

I remember at your year six leavers party and I seen you get up onto the little black stage and you were thanking all the teachers and all the others were laughing but you just held your head up and carried on. That day I seen my little niece be brave and strong. That day I knew how much of a cheeky, open minded girl you would grow old to be, you are going to be strong and confident I know it. I will miss the way you smile, I hope that the blood will keep you going for the years to come. I will be watching over you. I will never stop protecting you. I will be the brightest star in the sky I promise. I am about to go into the prep room now. I am shaking but watching you this morning nearly die is something I couldn't bare but you still looked beautiful you know? Your blonde hair braided onto your left side and your eyes peacefully shut. 

I hope you get the results you need to get into that university you want. I just need you to promise you will look after my little ones I've written eighteen birthday cards and put money in all of them. I need you to give them advice when they are finding life hard. 

Ok so I have to go now. I am so scared. I'm shaking so much right now. I love you my baby. You deserve every drop of this blood, this will either work on you or me but either way the thought of not seeing you again kills me. 

All my love, Auntie Margret. XOXOX 


I feel my hands shake as the tears drip onto the paper. 


"It should be me up there." I whisper looking up. 


"I promise." I say kissing the letter while my shaking hands fold up the paper, I put it on the table and look at the silver chain, I see the heart attached, I look at the back of the heart and stare into the writing, 'Angel' written swiftly. I quickly kiss it and clip it onto my neck. 


I slide down my yellow and pink wall and cry. 


Why did she have to cost this? I should have died. I should have fucking died. 

I shut my door and go to my white draw set into the second draw and get my pink wash bag and get my razor blade, I move my bracelets out of the way and press it against my pale skin. I draw it up my skin to get a catch and slid it to the left. I wait a second before the cold sting arrives followed by blood. I do it again watching the blood exit my veins. I stare at the multiple cuts while the blood drains. It should have been me. Its all my fault. Why did i have to get ill? Why did my body reject my blood? Why? I wish that they didn't find a match of blood. That I drowned in my own blood.

I hold tissue to my cuts. I let the bleeding settle a little before pushing my bracelets back on and I put my razor back into the bag and then into the draws. I go to my window and look at the twinkling stars. I look for the brightest which catches my eye, I smile at it before blowing a kiss to it. 

I climb down from the window and get into my covers. I shut my eyes hoping not to wake up. 




"Oh look who it is." Daniella said with an evil smile. 


"Where have you been? I missed my punch bag." She added tipping her head to the side smirking. 


"Fuck off." I sternly warn clenching my fists. Oh if only she knew eh? 


"Or what?" She challenges crossing her arms. 


"Or I will do something I may just regret." I clench my jaw while slowing speaking. 


Daniella raises her hand while I catch her arm. I twist it around her back making her bend backwards gasping in a sudden pain. 


"Don't test me." I spit in her ear. 


She uses her free hand to attempt a punch I catch and flip her over probably breaking her wrist. 

I stamp on her palm and straddle over her clamping her hands under my knees, I punch her eye twice and then her jaw; I slap her and rip her gold looped earrings out causing her to scream while the blood begins to pour from her lobes I throw her loops at her and get up from her leaving her sprawled on the floor screaming. I look around to see many teens crowded taking videos from their phones. 


I look ahead to see Mr Sin storming up looking quite mad, he catches my eye line and stops in his tracks, he motions for me to come to him, I follow as ordered and shamefully walk up to him. 


"My office now." He sternly demands not even looking at me. 


I nod and walk through the glass hall, I enter the main reception and I storm to the front desk. 


"Mr Sin sent me here." I say with a blank expression.


She nods and opens the door for me to go through. I get into the office part of the school and enter the lift. It goes up and comes to a quick halt. I get out and walk to Mr Sin's office. 


I sit in the seat and entwine my fingers together biting my inner lip. 


"I'm getting into so much shit for this." I mumble to myself dropping my head a little. 


"Why?" Oh shit! oh its just Mr Sin. 


"She was going to slap me." I say as he walks round to his desk. 


"I know its a hard time for you but I can't accept this behavior." Mr sin states clearly. 


"I knew that things were bad between you two but seriously Ailish? Do you not think that you went a little overboard??" He asks leaning into his desk. 


"Look, I can't tell you. I don't feel ready for any of her arsey crap. I really do not care what she thinks anymore. I just don't give two shits!" I say looking at him with an arched eyebrow. 


"Mind your language." He roughly speaks. 


"Two day exclusion. Daniella will also find consequences clean up your act. I suggest you ring someone to collect you from the gates." Mr Sin also adds adding a sympathetic smile. 


"Ok." I agree getting up from his chair and walking back through I enter the lift and quickly go down, I go back through the offices and back into the main reception.  


I go to my locker which is allocated by the main doors. I grab my bags and walk through the door and through the turnstile. 


I look at my contacts unsure who to call.


I get a buzz indicating I have a text message. 


I open it up. 


what the hell were you thinking? I will be at your gates in ten minutes wait there. X -H

What who?


I get to the gates and look around to see no one. 

I scroll through my contacts scared to call my mother. Hell no. 


A black range rover pulls up beside me I take a deeper look to see Harry?


I go to the window and he scrolls it down. 


"Jump in." He says with his hand gripped onto the steering wheel.


I go around to his left into the passenger seat. I get in and place my bag by my feet. 


"Seriously?" He asks showing me his phone.


I open the video, I look to see its the fight from me and Daniella. I hold back a few tears to the realization I just can't take this anymore. But hell do I look brave?! 


"She was going to slap me." I say shrugging my shoulders. 


"Well I don't want to have to see this by text again." Harry states like a father would. 


"Alright Dad." I say sarcastically.  


"Where are we going?" I ask as he drive into the distance. 


"Mine." Harry states like its no biggy, I don't know where he lives?!



update tomorrow!:) love you my people! 

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