A life within Poetry

I like to write and so after beginning to suffer with depression i began to write poetry to express how i felt and pieces of my daily life.

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22. I am afraid

I am afraid, very afraid.

Afraid of failing in everything.

Afraid of falling into hell.

Afraid that life will never get better but will get worse.

 

But what can i do? There's nothing to do.

Nothing can be erased and the future cannot be seen.

I don't want to face reality. The reality of growing up.

"Oh if you fail you can try again" they say to me. 

"Oh you make me feel so much better" i think sarcastically.

 

My future is set, if i fail. I fail all.

And my Goal will not exist. My life will not exist

If i fail. I am afraid that i'll want to end it all.

End everything that's hurt me, made me laugh and cry.

 

I am afraid of reality. It is the reality that if i fail

My A-levels, my goal will be harder to reach.

I'll be sadder and when i look back in 30 years.

I'll think, "what could have happened if i hadn't failed?

If i'd succeeded in everything. Where would it have 

got me? Would i be happier with that reality?"

 

And if i fail i'd feel ashamed at how stupid i was,

 how blunt, how ignorant i was. And my Parents,

At the moment they don' understand.

They may never understand that if i fail i'd never

be able to face them because i'd feel ashamed

and i'd feel like i had failed as their only child..

 

Only one went to college, so of course they don't completely 

understand the stress, the fear and the occasional happiness.

So.. of course i am afraid of failing everyone's expectations 

of me. 

 

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